Friday, August 15, 2008

Hair Today!

So...Kevin Keegan has finally got his man. Deportivo's Argentinean defender Fabricio Coloccini has finally signed for Newcastle today. But here at Unprofessional Foul we are never to be outdone by credible, established football sites..Oh NO. While everyone else discusses the atributes and skills of Coloccini and what he could bring to the Newcastle side, I am going to pay some attention to the ridiculous mop of hair that surrounds that Argentine bonce. What the f--- IS that? Is it 1985? Is he 16? Does he play in a glam rock band? Well if that head of hair is going to be appreciated by any Premiership manager it'll be old Kelvin Koogan. The Koogster was known for his own head of hair back in the day. He took the perm to new heights..literally!

So with Coloccini's frilly fop ready to grace the Premiership this weekend I thought we should have a look at some other horrendous do's that have invaded the world's pitches.

But I cannot depart on this crusade alone..Oh no..I am not nearly qualified enough to criticize the flopping, rising, combed, bouncy, curling bangs of others...So I reached out for some help...Tyson Kennedy works for top stylist and famous head pruner Rodney Cutler. He also fronts the band 'Steriogram'. Check them out here and here. Good stuff eh? Welcome back! Anyway I asked Tyson to have a look at some of the main offenders with me...The worst...AND most interesting barnets that have ever crossed the white line...Lets start with Coloccini's new employer..The Koogster...

Take it away Tyson!

TK: Reminiscent of the dashboard jesus bobble head... The butt of many bad perm jokes, big hair to match big hips. However, it was one of the most sought after hairstyles of the 80s. (Bigus-...and the 70's!).

Bobby Charlton

He may have played 106 times for England and scored 49 goals but I am ignoring that to point out that Bobby 'the comb over' Charlton had one horrific hairstyle..Just think how many goals he could have scored without that fop in his face?

TK: If this comb over was any further back, he'd be combing his arse.

Roberto Baggio

Ah Roberto Baggio...A great player, but remembered most for his blown penalty at the 1994 World Cup.

TK: WHAT? WHAT? Is there something crawling in my hair??

Abel Xavier

Oh lord.. Abel Xavier...Squeaking out the last days of his career at the Galaxy.. This is a beauty! With a matching beard!

TK: I call this look... the man's man Prince. I would love to see him in an ascott singing 'Purple Rain'.

Chris Waddle

You can keep your 'diamond lights' Waddle. Wowser, what can you say, I am almost lost for words...

TK: "When I'm not posing for my mugshot, my hair doubles as a scarf".

Carlos Valderrama

Now where is Carlos Valderama when You need him? When my kid throws up on the floor or when the windscreen on the Dickus family wagon needs a wash? General household work? I think he has missed out on a wonderful makerting opportunity. The 'Valderama!' "One swoosh in the loo, and your toilets like new!"



Toda: This Japanese international had a short and forgetable spell with Spurs...These days he can been seen at the local bingo hall with the other tint and rinise oldies...

TK: "This comes in an array of colors. I can't go anywhere unless my hair matches my handbag".

Rio Ferdinand.

Rio experimented with the corn rows...No one should be that hungry!

TK: There is nothing more intimidating than the European Gangster! WORD!

Ruud Gullit

Ruud Gullit...The departing Galaxy manager used to look like this....

TK: When a seagull shits on your head it's supposed to be lucky... right?

Jason Lee

Oooo.Oooo This next beaut is one of my faves! Before 'Clerks' and 'My Name is Earl' there was THIS Jason Lee. Fans used to serenade him (to the tune of 'He's got the whole World in his hands') He's got a pineapple, on his head, he's got a pineapple, on his head. He's got a pineaple, on his head... Pineapple on his head!.

TK: This haircut is for the man that wants to mop up the opposition.

Carlos Puyol

Carlos Puyol currently plays for Barcelona and just last week, U.F 'er The Likely Lad got a close up when Barca trained in Central Park. Click here for that (I am a shameless whoare!).

For anyone not from the southern hemmisphere... DAG means shite hanging from sheep's bum.
(Tyson is from New Zealand..You know, Flight of the Conchords, the Haka, Rugby, racing and beer, I think that's it?-They are easily amused!).

Bacary Sagna

Arsenal's fleet footed right back Bacary Sagna...He has a chord hanging from his shorts. Give it a pull and the curtains close. Evening ladies! That picture makes old Bigus want to buy one of those beaded carseat 'back' massagers.

TK: Bo Derek on Steriods...

David Beckham

Beckham has had more hair styles than the cast of Grease...This one was obviously inspired by DeNiro's character in Taxi Driver. Beckham is more 'tickle' than 'Bickle' however!

TK: Sharp looking dude, imagine what he's capable of once his golden balls drop!

Christian Ziege

Ahh German tough guy Christian Ziege...Travis Bickle again..."Ar zu torking tu me"!

TK: "Mom, I think I just used depilatory cream instead of hair gel."

Alexi Lalas

Now, He has just been fired by the L.A Galaxy and he reckons the M.L.S is as good as the Premier League (One good reason why he got fired!). Yep it's Alexi Lalas. The hairy U.S international used to rock the Jesus look.

TK: I love the mixture of the bibical look and 70s vagina.

Fabriccio Coluccini

Finally lets look at the mop at the top. The hair that inspired this piece. Newcastles Argie defender Fabriccio Coluccini. Wigs are sure to appear at St james park immediatley. Those Geordies are extremely un-imaginative and very predictable .

TK: This is the Michaelangelo's David look... comes with small package.

Thanks to Tyson for joining me wade through a mind blowing collection of the bristly, the brushy, the wooley, The fuzzy and of course the daggy!

Find Tyson at Cutler, here.

Bigus is taking a break next week. I haven't won anything, but I am off to Disney. You know you'll miss me!



The Fan's Attic said...

Clearly his excuse is that he is Argentine...apparently that's the only hairdo they can do as soccer players.

Spectator said...

Help!... It's the Hair Bear Bunch!

Mike Georger said...

just let your soul glooooo

en espanol!