Thursday, May 1, 2008

Tales of the Lovelorn: What's a Red to Do?

True love is achieved most often among men between that man and his favo[u]rite club. While the Gunners among us are heartbroken at the way our season has turned out, we console ourselves with 2 facts: (1) no one thought we would be any good this year; and (2) we are still a relatively young team. However, the Scousers among us have become quite despondent about their situation. Being mischevious and cruel, I snuck into "someone's" e-mail and found the following letter:

Dear Abby*,

Very recently I experienced extreme pain at the hands of my loved ones. I've never felt this low. I was beaten and abused for 120 minutes straight, unable to move, paralyzed with fear. They teased me with relief and happiness, only to snatch it away and leave me heart-broken.

The focal point of my loved ones, whom I shall call "Rafa", has an unusual sensibility. One moment he is a genius. The next? An abject disappointment. His moods and personalities are so inconsistent that I am often left confused and dissatisfied with the relationship. I mean, what about my needs? What about my happiness?

They give me pleasure one saturday, and misery the next.

Last night, it came to a head. I am a broken man. Tell me, what should I do? Do I continue to see these people, knowing full well that they never fill my heart with pride as much as I want them to?

What am I to do?


Down-and-out Scouser in Manhattan

This plaintive wailing of an e-mail was met with the following response:

Dear "Down-and-out",

At some point you must decide how long you are willing to stay in an abusive relationship - to be beaten and paralyzed with fear for over 2 hours is an incredibly agonizing experience, and it sounds like this is not the first time this behavior has occurred. The fact that "Rafa" teased you with happiness only to take it away reveals an especially cruel streak, and says quite a bit about your loved ones. If he insists on treating you poorly by toying with your emotions, you must stand up for yourself. Let him know that you find his behavior unacceptable, and that you expect it to change if he wants to keep your support.

Dealing with someone who leaves you dissatisfied and questioning your own happiness, who makes you miserable on occasion, can result in self-desctructive behavior on your part. Do you often find yourself at a bar early on Saturdays, drinking as a way of dealing with "Rafa"? Do you continue to profess your love while "Rafa" turns his attention to others? You said yourself that feel as if "Rafa" will never let your heart fill with pride as much as you want it to - are you willing to live the rest of your life being disappointed? These are all questions that only you can answer.

I would like you to know that your e-mail moved me so deeply, that I feel compelled to sign off with my real name so that you may contact me personally if you wish to speak further. And please remember that the color red is an angry color, and may contribute to the passion (both good and bad) in your relationship. Perhaps you should find someone who looks good in blue?

D. Moyes

*Not Abby Clancy, apparently.


Mike Georger said...

god i love that picture, just reminds me that its the closest evertonians will get to seeing a current player hoisting silverware for them

Mike Georger said...

also, holy shit @ munich's choke job today

Mike Georger said...

stellar baggio impersonation out of vieri

Precious Roy said...

Although not Italian, also would have accepted "Beckham" for Vieri's choke.