Sunday, February 17, 2008

UF Weekend Poll

Once a week, we poll ourselves to find answers to the burning questions of the football world. We are, of course, experts in the field, so the results can be taken as definitive. This week: Top Ten hated players.

Extra bonus for you, dear reader, uncensored emails with votes and comments by every participating UFer.

1. Cristiano Ronaldo
2. John Terry
3. Ashley Cole
4. Frank Lampard
5. Landon Donovan
6. John Obi Mikel
7. Rafa Marquez
8. Marco Materazzi
9. Wayne Rooney
10. Torsten Frings

We sure do hate Chelsea, don't we?

And now, the emails.

Lingering Burstitis:

1. John Obi Mikel - fuck this dude to high heaven. He's a dirty player, moans incessantly to the refs, gets away with murder on the pitch. That, and he's only 20 years old, which means we'll have to fucking deal with his bullshit in the EPL or wherever for at least another decade. Can't stand the guy. Wish Crouch had ripped him in two with that karate kick.
2. Cristiano Ronaldo - ugh. I am jealous of his talent, I am sickened by the fact that he plays for Man U, and I long for the day he gets hurt.
3. David Beckham - he would be higher, but he's competing with a lot of fucking hate already. Plays the media better than he plays in the MLS, forever running his mouth for good and bad, inspired by money and promotion, and has lost a lot of his fucking talent. If the game were just 90 minutes of free kicks, he'd be immortal. However it's not, and he is pretty fucking useless otherwise.
4. El Hadji Diouf - parlayed one good game in a World Cup into a high-profile move to my club, where he proceeded to change hairstyles more than he scored goals. Then, he somehow managed to find another EPL team to take him, and he's continued in the tradition of being fucking terrible.
5. Tim Cahill - he's a douchebag, and he plays for a team I hate more with every passing second.
6. Ashley Cole - he's worn the colours of two teams I hate. Oh, there was some sex thing, too.
7. Landon Donovan - fucking wuss. Tried to make a name for himself in rough-and-tough Europe, but boo hoo it was too hard, so he fucked off back to MLS where he peddles his mediocre skills and still gets endorsements. Loves to disappear when it counts.
8. Titus Bramble - it's hard to hate such a dunce, but that goal against us almost fucking killed me a while back. He's a muppet in football boots.
9. Frank Lampard - Ghost Dad in midfield. Only reason he scores goals is because he takes penalties that his team didn't earn. A fucking huge waste of time.... disappears more from games than grass stains.
10. Andrei Shevchenko - I was so fucking happy when you missed that penalty in Turkey. Eat shit and die, you overpriced 5-goal-a-season scorer.
1)c ronaldo
3)j terry
4)cashley cole
5)michael owen
6)p robinson
8)ronaldo (fat one)
9)D Kamara
Badly Drawn Boykins:
1. Mikel John Obi - First of all, pick a name - you were born John Michael Nchekube Obinna. Second, learn how to tackle properly. Third, what a dick.
2. Stephen Hunt - What a dick.
3. Brave John Terry - What a dick.
4. Frank Lampard - What a dick.
5. Rafa Marquez - What a dick.
6. Luca Toni - Get up, you pussy.
7. Pippo Inzaghi - Maybe not a dick, but he's definitely one of those players who are infuriating to play against, but would happily have on your team.
8. Rivaldo - What a dick.
9. Lothar Matthaus - What a retired dick.
10. Ashley Cole - What a dick.
The NY Kid:
1. Marco Materazzi - do I really need to rehash my reason?
2. Ronaldo (the Portuguese Diving Cunt)
3. Cashley Cole - you fucking useless mercenary twat
4. Frank Lampard - a complete waste of supposed "skill" and completely useless in midfield
5. Landon Donovan - seriously, sack up you nancy-boy
6. Jens Lehmann - has given me too many near-heart attacks with his howlers at Highbury/Emirates (and he's back for a little while, YAY!)
7. Wayne Rooney - what a disgusting little troll
8. Tottenham Hotspur (except Pascal Chimbonda and Gareth Bale, for some strange reason)
9. Donadoni - my first true footy hate
10. That douchebag in my rec league who amasses 3-4 red cards every year but never gets permanently kicked out
Precious Roy:
1) Torsten Frings: Hey, old grudges die hard. I'm shallow that way.
2) Rafa Marquez: Thought I might be the only one, but nope.
3) Jared Borghetti: I'd hate him more if I didn't think he wasn't useless now
4) Cuauhtemoc Blanco: Anyone noticing a leitmotif?
5) Frank Lampard: Fuck that guy
6) Ashley Cole: I hope his gets the HIV.
7) Sylvain Wiltord: Ref should have blown the whistle long before he scored to tie Italy in the Euro 2000 final. Dick.
8) Wayne Rooney: Ugly as fuck. Stupid pick-up lines. And he's probably already cut more ass that I ever will. I wouldn't be so upset about that if he weren't such a twit on the pitch.
9) John Terry: See "Frank Lampard"
10) Mark Viduka: I probably wouldn't have remembered what a dick he is if someone else hadn't had him on their list first, but they did. And I'll hate a foreigner over Landycakes any day.
1. C Ronaldo -- Because he's such a supremely cocky douchebag, I wouldn't feel the slightest twinge of regret if I got the chance to mow him down, end his career and deprive the world of such an awesome talent.
2. John Terry - You're rich, you can stop cutting your own hair. I'd take up officiating just for the chance to bust him wide open with a Glasgow Kiss the second he and his cockknocking teammates swarmed me to argue a call.
3. Gary Neville -- Because he's fucking Gary Neville.
4. Diego Maradona -- Die already, you bloated sack of coke & snot residue.
5. Frank Lampard -- #1 for breaking Xabi Alonso's ankle... #2 for getting much too much credit for all his 'goals'.
6. Oliver Kahn -- I could break a few fingers, force his retirement and move to Germany to live like a Konig.
7. Raphael Marquez -- Because he's the captain, all my hatred for the Mexican nat'l side gets heaped on head, therefore ruining his hair and whatever lame-ass headband he's wearing.
8. Arjen Robben -- Constantly under sniper fire, even his receding hair line irritates me.
9. Rivaldo -- I'm not sure why he drives me up the wall, but he does.
10. Claudio Reyna -- Sure the guy had talent, but his lack of on-the-pitch leadership in the US captain's role irritated me to the nth degree. Plus, he's a Sicknote.
1. Ashley Cole - Cunt
2. Robbie Savage - Even on Derby, still a cunt
3. Robbie Keane - Unbearably crap
4. Gennaro Gattuso - Dude just seems like he beats up kindergarteners
in his spare time
5. Steven Gerrard - I know this is blasphemy in these parts but I'm
sick of how he always manages to somehow "earn" free kicks just
outside of the box
6. Fat Frank - For being fat, and ugly
7. Brave John Terry - For being a prick
8. Sheva - For being the nadir of outrageous transfer fees
9. Cristiano Ronaldo - For being a whiny priss
10. Darren Bent - Get Bent (I don't really hate him that much, just
enjoy saying that)

1. John Terry. Always a douchebag, he solidified this position for me
after he ripped a swapped shirt out of the hands of an Andorran player
in the tunnel after England performed miserably. It takes a real
fuckwad to do that to an amateur player. I sometimes wish that kick
to his head had done just enough brain damage to rob him of his
abilities on the pitch but nothing else.
2. Leonardo. That elbow to the head of Tab Ramos still stays with me.
USA had a shot that day, but without Ramos, they went limp.
3. Daniele DeRossi. Similar to above, but not as vicious of a player.
4. Fabien Barthez. He bothered me since I first saw him winning the
Champions League with L'OM. I hated his stupid floppy hair (back when
he had it), but more for his short sleeved keeper shirt.
5. Cristiano Ronaldo. True Story ahead--I was out at a rock show with
my wife on Friday night. I was wearing an Aberdeen shirt because they
had performed so admirably the night before. A guy approached me and
asked if it was an Arsenal shirt. I answered him, explained which
club it was, and why I had chosen to wear it that night. He
recognized that a draw with Bayern was huge, and started telling me
about how the day before he had run into problems while wearing a C.
Ronaldo jersey. I nodded, smiled politely, and tallied his score.
Doesn't know that Arsenal almost always wear white sleeves (except in
the recent Redcurrant season). Wears a C. Ronaldo jersey. Is gay (or
Bisexual--he was confused) with "poet" tattooed on his arm. Went to
Bob Jones, Was "blessed". He scored enough points for me to not give
him a link to this site. In all honesty, the only one that mattered
was that he wore a C. Ronaldo jersey.
6. Wayne Rooney. I liked him until he moved to Man U from Everton.
It wasn't that it was Manchester United, honest. It's leaving your
boyhood club to go to a club that is inherently more likely to win you
titles. Okay, it was because he chose United. That, and he has the
face of a Greco-Roman wrestler
7. Matterazzi. All you need to know are in the fan compilations up on
youtube. Dirty, and a liar about it, to boot.
8. Landycakes. Whenever a USNT thread pops up on hattrick,
non-Americans like to chime in and tell us how Landon Donovan is our
best player and they never understand why most American soccer fans
don't like him. Yes, he is a good player who has pulled off sompretty
important goals in his career. But, we like players who challenge
themselves. We like players who push themselves to get better
everyday. It's part of the Puritan work ethic that is instilled in
this country. We really don't like it when our great talents decide
they are good enough. Iverson got ridiculed for his "Practice?!"
speech. Landycakes could have easily replaced "practice" with
"Europe" in that speech, and let Americans know how he felt about
challenging himself. And that catching the kiss and putting it in his
pants goal celebration is just damn gay.
9. Joe Cole. Anytime he loses the ball, his immediate reaction is to
chase the guy down and foul him from behind. Wears his damn shorts
too tight as well. I don't really want to see any of that, thanks.
10. Roy Keane. Like Joe Cole above, he was big on retribution.
Unlike Joe Cole, he was up front about it, and thus garners my
respect. If he had been like, say, Materazzi, this guy's a #2 for

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