The EPL (suck it Barclay's) season ends tomorrow, and Gillet and Hicks will have cemented their incompetence by having Liverpool finish with no trophies whatsoever (2 points to note here: (a) one could argue about how much influence Gillet and Hicks have on results on the pitch, but for purposes of this post just roll with me; and (b) this is not a dig at Liverpool, as my beloved Gunners have also won fuck-all this season). Unlike those two clowns, we here at UF know how to run a successful football club. Join me after the jump to see what I mean. Ebbsfleet's keeper Lance Cronin responded well to the Torquay attack throughout the game, making several important saves, including one at the 6-minute mark of the match to keep the scoreless tie. Despite 3 yellow cards in the match (including one to captain Paul McCarthy in the 11th minute), Ebbsfleet continued to play aggressively on both offense and defense, with the result being a championship to end the season for manager Liam Daish. In the end, an astounding 40,186 people watched our football club take home the hardware. It was a pretty impressive end to an exciting and unusual season.
Several of us here at Unprofessional Foul are owners of a real football club. We have previously mentioned our involvement with Ebbsfleet United of Conference National (Blue Square Premier LEague) in England. Well, this morning the UF owners of Ebbsfleet United became champions, as the club defeated Torquay United 1-0 in the FA Trophy final at Wembley. After having a penalty kick saved earlier in the match, Chris McPhee slotted home a shot from close range right before half-time for the match-winning goal.
Saturday, May 10, 2008
We're Smarter Than Gillet and Hicks
This Might Be One of the Funnier Things Ever
Fulhamerica play for their EPL (suck it, Barclay's) life tomorrow. And the baby Jesus must love the lads because, miraculously, they control their own destiny, although they are at Pompey while Reading get to play the Washington Generals Derby County, so they are by no means a favorite to avoid the drop.
But even if the Cottagers fall, they could end up in Europe next season.
Huh?
Okay, by "could" we mean we're guessing at a couple of things without bothering to look them up because the thought of them adds just one more layer of delicious intrigue to the final week viewing of EPL football but it still doesn't seem entirely impossible.
Follow along after the jump as we walk irresponsibly through this.
Where Enlgand the country suck as football—enjoy that summer vacation, boys—their league teams are very nice in the way they go about their business. So the EPL has managed to earn another UEFA Cup spot by topping Europe's fair play (or is that Fair Play?) rankings.
Currently EPL Fair Play 5th placers Man City are the highest ranked team without a guaranteed spot in Europe.
The entire table can be seen here but it's not the soap opera that is Man City that's of interest here, or of interest to us—frankly we can't collectively bring ourselves to care much about Citeh around these parts save maybe for their sweeping of United—its the MLS East club sitting in seventh.
So the first thing we're too lazy to look up: Is it possible to jump .06 of a fair play point in one weekend? We could probably do the maths but that seems like a lot of work when this kind of wild baseless speculation is more fun.
But if that kind of jump is possible, Fulham could conceivably get to that last Fair Play spot on points.
Perhaps some loyal Svenites at Citeh are so upset with the way that Trashcan Sinatra has left the coach dangling, that they might be happy to pick up some gratuitous cards, harass the refs and the opponents, and just generally have a good old time dropping Fair Play points this weekend.
In that instance, assuming Everton sew up their spot, Fulham would be the highest ranked remaining Fair Play team left in the Prem.
What we also don't know is that if there is some provision stating that a club has to maintain its top flight status to keep the spot. But still, how awesome would it be if Fulham couldn't keep it up but managed to snake a spot in Europe next season?
Might almost taking the sting out of dropping. Okay, it won't mitigate a full £50M sting, but still, it's a decent parting gift.
Friday, May 9, 2008
Friday Backpasses: Return of the Bowlcut
Noel Gallagher (remember him?) slams Thaksin Shinawatra. I wonder what Badly Drawn Boy thinks [BBC]
England pick up an extra place in UEFA Cup through Fair Play award [Soccernet]
That place likely to go to Manchester City [Guardian]
unless Fulhamerica can pip them at the post [Premier League.com]
Liverpool transfer madness on the other side of the jump
Liverpool turn down $50 million bid for Gerrard. Morons [The Sun]
Liverpool think they will get $30 million for Crouchdinho. Super fucking morons [The Sun]
Porto tried to bribe referees when Mourinho was in charge [International Herald Tribune]
England lets Russians into country for UEFA Cup final in an in-kind trade. Blah blah blah. What it boils down to is that drunken, better-off Russians will be rumbling in Manchester with drunken Scots next week. Watch this space [UEFA]
Finally, a This Is Extra Time two-fer.
Someone wants to employ Vickie Beckham as an actress.
Flamini flips off Arsenal fans, as apparently is becoming the style for Arsenal players. At least, that's how we're reading into it.
South Africa has problems beyond what you know already
A top South African female footballer was attacked, stabbed, gang-raped and killed two weeks ago in her hometown of Kwatema. While there is a good possibility that this was a random attack, many locals and activists are convinced that she was targeted. Why? Because she was a known lesbian.
Details (I cannot promise they will not be stomach-churning) after the jump.
Eudy Simelane was 31 years old, and a couple of years removed from her time on the national squad of South Africa. She was returning from a night out with friends when set upon by at least 5 teenagers. After the rape and murder, her body was left out in the open air. Five men have been arrested and charged with the crime.
On the surface, this may appear to be a random attack. It is difficult to hear about South Africa in the news without being told of its crushing poverty, the tensions that brings and high crime rate. So why are so many people convinced this was a focused attack on a lesbian? Well, it seems that one of the arrested was Miss Simelane's neighbor. Couple this with the information that lesbians in the area where Miss Simelane lived may have to endure "corrective rape", and the probability that her rape, at least, was not random goes up immeasurably.
"Corrective rape", as you may have guessed, is when a man rapes a lesbian believing that the experience will cause her to "be cured". In a country that has an HIV prevalence rate of 21.5%, such beliefs are deadly. Scarily, the rate of this disgusting and deadly crime is on the increase.
A quick search on the deceased turns up a host of sites that are following the news of her death closely. Many of these sites point to a movement, Campaign 07/07/07, dedicated to bringing notice to the world of the natures of the crimes against lesbians in South Africa. If this is something you can support, I urge you to look here. It's not the prettiest website, but it will give you the information you need.
Final EPL Weekend Preview
Usually the final weekend in the English Premier League (suck it Barclay’s) is fairly noneventful 
as most things have already been wrapped up. In fact the title hasn't been decided on the final day in something like 7 years. This year is different. There really are very meaningful matches this weekend.
It is quite spectacular, really, how many things remain to be decided. All of the Champions League slots are filled–Man U, Chelsea, Arsenal, and Liverpool (breathes sigh of relief for Liverpool)–and only one relegation spot has been determined, the honor of which is woeful Derby County–worst Premier League total ever, even if it claims victory over Reading this weekend (crosses fingers for Fulhamerica’s sake). But everything else remains, including the title.
After the jump, a quick rundown of the important matches, all of which are on Sunday....
Wigan v. Manchester United – The mangy Mancs can wrap up the title with a victory here no matter what Chelsea does, unless the Blues are able to make up the 16 goal goal-differential in its match plus whatever Man U’s is, provided the club wins.
Chelsea v. Bolton – The Abramovich’s need to win this match and get help from Wigan to pip the title at the post. Either that or beat Bolton 18-0 and have Man U win only 1-0. Now Bolton is woeful, but it isn’t Derby County.
Everton v. Newcastle & West Ham v. Aston Villa – The EPL UEFA Cup slot is still up for grabs. Everton is in the drivers seat as it is 3 points ahead of Villa. However, Everton has been in poor form having gathered only 6 points in its last 8 matches and Newcastle has seen a rebirth as of late with only Chelsea beating the club in the past 7 matches. Aston Villa needs to find its form again and soon if it hopes to catch Everton and probably say its prayers.
The Relegation Battle -- Portsmouth v. Fulham; Derby County v. Derby County Reading; Birmingham v. Blackburn
There is quite the fight for the final spot ahead of the relegation slots. Derby County already has its ticket to the Colaship, but Birmingham, Reading and Fulham all have a shot to stay up. I am pulling for Fulhamerica because there are 5 Americans on the squad.
Fulham controls its destiny and will remain up if it beats Portsmouth away. Reading faces Derby County so the odds are that Reading will get its three points, but it has been woeful as of late so there is a chance for Derby to pick up its second league victory. Birmingham is home to Blackburn and I fully expect Blackburn to win. Birmingham can survive only if it wins and the other two lose.
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Thursday Backpasses: Introducing the Victorian Beckhams
This is the earliest photo of an England National squad. The Daily Mail has the details.
Sepp Blatter approves of these women's uniforms. Marginally NSFW [The Sun]
Liverpool take their photo poses from the Phil Mickelson collection [The Spoiler]
Immigration officials to wannabe foreign footballers: "Speak English!" [Guardian]
More fun after the jump.
QPR boss leaves. Team rumo(u)red to be seeking high priced foreign coach [BBC]
Petr Cech still showing signs of brain injury. Thinks Chelsea play attractive football [The Sun]
Wigan player has bet on United winning the title. Nope, nothing to see here [The Sun]
Coldplay to sell Euros to American audience. Are you having a laugh? Is he having a laugh? [AP]
Seattle Sounders sign first player. Guess they couldn't find any Americans to fill that role [American Soccer Reader]
Times Magazine takes in-depth look at epidemic of knee injuries in girl's/women's soccer. [Times Magazine]
Jimmy and Brian's Excellent Adventure at the Bottom of the EPL: Fulhamerica Hoping to Avoid the Drop
It would be a death-defying escape act, but Fulham have a chance to avoid relegation despite being in the drop zone since December. One need only look at this chart – during which Fulham earned only 6 points in December, January and February – and see the flatline to which the doctor should have long ago called the time of death. And yet, Fulham have three wins in their last five games, including key victories over Reading and Birmingham. What has triggered Fulham’s decent run of play lately? Arguably, it’s two words: Bullard and McBride.
You see, when your team is languishing at the bottom of the Premier League, and you are fielding short defenders, and you basically stink to high heaven, a couple of cagey veterans with fantastic workrates can be the difference between 16th place and 19th. It’s hard not to root for Bullard and McBride. They both came back from potentially career-ending injuries. McBride is in the twilight of his career, but has become one of the most beloved players at Fulham. Bullard only looks like he’s in the twilight of his career (amazingly, he’s only 29 years old), but his surgeon famously stated that his injury a couple seasons ago “looked like a bomb had gone off in his knee.” In other words, McBride and Bullard are the antidote for every preening EPL player making 75,000 quid a week.Roy Hodgson’s kitchen sink strategy seems to paying off by rotating Erik Nevland, David Healy and Diomansy Kamara up front. And what of our fair Fulamericans? Well, Dempsey continues to start regularly and contribute, although I personally worry that he might have plateaued as of late. As for Bocanegra, he’s been on the bench a lot recently, which happened to have coincided with Fulham’s recent strong play. Draw from that what you will, but one has to wonder if there’s a future for Bocanegra in the Premier League, or if he’s destined to move to MLS soon.
Despite being 93 years old, Casey Keller has made a number of first team appearances, and surely his experience has helped settle Fulham. And then Eddie Johnson, who perhaps needs a full season before he can adapt to English football, or as I suspect really just isn’t all that good of a player - or, just doesn't have the work ethic to become one.
On Sunday, Fulham travel to Portsmouth, where a win would likely secure safety (as crap as Derby are, it’s hard to imagine Reading making up a six goal difference). A tie or a loss to Pompey would mean Fulham need help, and a lot of help, because as mentioned Reading play Derby and would surely leapfrog Fulham out of the drop zone. Birmingham play Blackburn, but they are behind by a point and the scenario is bleak for them.
So, for Fulham, it’s basically down to win and defy the odds. You would have to imagine that Portsmouth will not be up for the game, with nothing to play for except avoiding injuries going into the FA Cup final. Nothing should be taken for granted, however, especially at the ass-end of the league. At least Fulham have put themselves in a position to pull it off. Read more on "Jimmy and Brian's Excellent Adventure at the Bottom of the EPL: Fulhamerica Hoping to Avoid the Drop"...
An Education in the way of Hucks.
-Bigus Read more on "An Education in the way of Hucks."...
When $300 Billion is Not Enough
Zimbabwe's Dynamos budgeted 300-billion Zimbabwe dollars (Z$) to cover the costs of its return leg of the African Champions League tie against Etoile Sahel of Tunisia.
And it's not enough.
Because of currency buying regulations and hyperinflation the team is unable to purchase enough US dollars to pay for the trip.
The current cost of the trip would be 10-trillion Zimbabwe dollars.
At the turn of the new year, the country's Central Statistical Office had officially announced that inflation had passed the 100,000% mark. And on April 4, the Zimbabwe Financial Gazette reported that, by February, it had jumped to 164,900% (And you thought W. couldn't fuck things up any worse).
Last week, when the country unfixed its pegged exchange rates, Zimbabawe's official exchange rate floated to $1US = Z$ 168,815,000 (that's $169 million if the zeros are confusing you), meaning the cost of the trip would be about US$50,000.
So it's not just that Dr. Evil is running the Zimbabwe FA, it's that the government is trying to run a country on Monopoly money. Ask Germany, it doesn't work. The irony being it's a Munich-based company that's literally printing the money to run the economy into the ground. The München-based company, Giesecke & Devrient is receiving more than US$700,000 a week for delivering bank notes at the absurd rate of Z$170 trillion a week.
Hey, at least the Germans have experience with this sort of thing. Thankfully Zimbabwe doesn't have an antsy megalomaniacal streak in them. So it's neighbors are safe.
Anyway, it's a bummer because Etoile Sahel are the defending champions and Dynamos hold a 1-0 lead after the home leg and if any club would have that kind of coin you'd think it would be one whose nickname is the "Glamour Boys". But even at 10-trillion, it's probably even outside the spending habits of Roman Abramovich.
Although if anybody else has 10-trillion dollars laying around and has always wanted to help out Zimbabwe, opportunity has met preparation.
Rooney Family Jewels: The Female Kind
I always thought that once somebody in your family made it big, you wouldn't need or want to do something that may be considered, oh, I don't know...selling your body. I was wrong. Manchester United striker Wayne Rooney's cousin, Natalie Rooney, has new boobs and she wants everybody to know.
“If Coleen doesn’t like my new boobs, I’ll squeeze her head between them.
***
"I’ll soon be getting them out all over the place."
Read more on "Rooney Family Jewels: The Female Kind"...
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