How to re-anger a fanbase

DO NOT ADJUST YOUR SCREEN. THIS IS A TEST. THIS IS ONLY A TEST.

Displaying the kind of wisdom one would expect, England's Boring John Terry and Frank Lampard have agreed in principle to play in a testimonial match this summer. Oh, and they'll be playing this testimonial for a West Ham XI at Upton Park.

Common sense never was part of the footballer's skill set, was it?

The testimonial is for Hammers Academy Director Tony Carr, the man who nurtured both EBJT and Franky during their slimmed-down formative years. Lamps was a Hammer until 2001, while Terry trained there but never signed on, opting to join Chelsea at age 14 instead.

And now, presuming that the deep-lying scars of their traitorous London switch are fully healed, they'll both pitch up for the charity game.

Of course, for those of us with memories, just this past weekend the Blues endured a volley of abuse at Upton Park, so much so that Terry piped up to defend Lamps from the torment to which they were both subjected. And these remarks were just 2 days ago!

Don't get me wrong, it's a lovely gesture from the pair to acknowledge the importance of Carr in their footballing development, but it's also incredibly naive to think that playing 90 minutes at 1/2 pace in the Hammers kit will quell all the bad blood and backstabbing they've doled out to West Ham over the years from across London.

We'll now wait and see whether they follow-through with it, or whether they'll snap the hearts of Hammers fans and management for the 1,957,607th time this century.

Read more on "How to re-anger a fanbase"...

This should make for an awkward conversation

Frank Lampard's having a fine season on the pitch. Instrumental for his team in their drunk punch-out with Liverpool on Tuesday, playing well in the EPL, and keeping his club competitive on three two fronts.

Off the field, it's not so good. His recent split from his fiancee Elen Rives has been difficult, although by the looks of this picture above, he's found some rather attractive, though disheveled, counsel to aid the healing process.

She joined Lamps for dinner on Wednesday with his dad and teammates Petr Cech (he dropped his silverware within minutes of sitting down!) and Henrique Hilario (who?) to celebrate their passage to the semi-finals of the Champions League, and had a good night, going on to a nightclub with the brunette for a few night-caps.

However, John Terry may have rocked things a little bit. Who was his dinner accompaniment the other night? Lamps' ex.

Hit it, Daily Mail! To the Gossipcopter!

As the Man of the Match dined at the Italian restaurant, his former love was less than a mile down the road at Japanese eaterie Zuma in Knightsbridge with Terry and his wife Toni. Zuma is Rives's favourite restaurant and the scene was many a romantic dinner date with Lampard.

Despite calling off their engagement two months ago, it appears Spanish beauty Rives, 30, is still very much a part of the Chelsea social circle.The mother-of-two has been friends with Terry's wife Toni for several years and attended the couple's 2007 wedding with Lampard.

I'm sure it's all fine. I mean, my best mate and his wife have dinner with my exes all the time. Totally natural.

The fact that they went to a regular date spot for Lamps and Rives is an especially nice flourish to the tale, and I'm sure they'll have plenty to talk about as they prep for the FA Cup semi-final this weekend.

*sigh*

Slow news days bring out the gossipmonger in me. For shame.

Read more on "This should make for an awkward conversation"...

Credit Crunch Hits The Terry Family

Not even multi-millionaire football players mums are immune to the economic crisis. England's Brave John Terry's mum and mum-in-law were cited on shoplifting charges. The delinquent duo were cited for shoplifting £800 of goods from a department and grocery store.

Alyssa Milano they are not, but the youthful indiscretion probably made them feel younger than 18 shots of botox. Despite their son's £135,000-per-week salary, his purchase of exclusive homes for his mums, the criminal couple were nicked taking cheap track suits and food stuffs. I guess you really can't wash away the chav.

Predictably, the Terry lawyer says this is all a big mistake. The pair accepted the cautions, which is an admission of guilt, but their lawyer is now seeking to reverse the cautions. I await the Bernie Madoff excuse freezing their credit cards and accounts.

No word yet on whether they weeped like their son in Moscow.

Read more on "Credit Crunch Hits The Terry Family"...

Relief for West Brom: no tackles like this on Friday

I could watch John Terry's sending-off over and over again until I die. It's a fun one; for once he keeps his mouth shut, and I can't help but wonder how long until England stops calling. There are definitely better alternatives out there.

Whoops, forgot the song wasn't exactly work-safe. I was assuming you're all in bed still anyway.

Read more on "Relief for West Brom: no tackles like this on Friday"...

Terry wins red card appeal

Despite being sent off for Serious Foul Play and not for a Professional Foul, England's Brave John Terry had his red card suspension overturned by a board of appeals. Oddly, they cited that there were teammates behind him on the replay, and that he was not last man back.

One hopes the board enjoy their all-inclusive Russian vacations.

Read more on "Terry wins red card appeal"...

Ring Around the Ref'ree

Chelsea defeated Manchester City 3-1 in the EPL (Suck it, Barclay's!) in the billionaire version of Human Battle Bots. Roman Abramovich's expensive bot parts Ricardo Carvalho, Frank Lampard and Nicolas Anelka all scored for Chelsea while the shiny new Manchester City bot part Robinho scored in his debut on a free kick. Citeh held on in the first half but the Chelseabot just had too many parts, for now.

By the end of the match most of the excitement was gone, that is until England's Brave John Terry earned himself a red card and an automatice suspension for next weeks Manchester United match. (Video at approx. 3:00). True to form, Chelsea surrounded the referee to complain about the decision. Although, it does appear a little unjust as Terry was not the last man on the professional foul. Chelsea will likely appeal.

The appeal, though, will likely be unsuccessful according to Times Online.

It is understood that Mark Halsey, the referee, deemed Terry’s block on Jô, the City striker, to be serious foul play rather than a professional foul and he faces a three-match ban, ruling him out of matches against United, Stoke City and Aston Villa. The FA is unable to downgrade cards from red to yellow, so Chelsea must demonstrate that Terry should not have been booked to get the decision overturned, an unlikely proposition.

JT looks likely to miss the Red Devil match, but what of the Respect Campaign? You might recall that the League has initiated a campaign to increase the respect towards match officials from the players as a result of the proliferation of team protests and remonstrations surround the referee.

Much of the finger pointing has been directed at Chelsea for circling the refs, although it must be noted most clubs seem to have followed suit, including Man U and Liverpool.

As the pictures in the post demonstrate, much of the criticism is deserved. Even though, EBJT has said he supports the campaign.

The campaign may succeed eventually, but I suspect well soon be finding Chelsea players surrounding the houses of referees' with their SUVs, probably parking in handicapped spaces as well.

Read more on "Ring Around the Ref'ree"...

Let's Try This Again

Apparently there are second acts in English life. Failed Three Lions captain John Terry has been re-awarded the armband on a permanent basis by manager Fabio Capello. The Italian said Terry edged out fellow center half Rio Ferdinand on the strength of the little man's BIG personality.

Sure to be some strong feelings about this decision, so what do yooooou think? Is the Brave One the Right One, or has Capello made like his new captain and slipped up in a big spot?

Speak out!

Read more on "Let's Try This Again"...

Team US gets rogered in the rear by England

Alright folks, open thread time. Ian hinted at it in a comments section, so consider this the pro-active next step!

The game last night was like a David Mamet film: flashes of brilliance amid a sea of boredom. Capello confounded the world by picking the same old England team. My email to someone this morning: Capello was supposed to be the wind of change, but instead, he's just blowing David Beckham.

The idea of putting a relatively unchanged side out, with 18 kiddies on the bench who saw maybe 90 minutes between the lot of them, was ridiculous, but at least we won! Capello will have learned little from the squad's performance, aside from a few obvious home truths, but let's hope the young'uns get a chance against T&T next week.

As for the US, no Landycakes, and the inclusion of Josh Wolff was just baffling.

Video highlights are after the jump, but use the comments to wax lyrical about how crap the USMNT really was. I do rate Bradley and Dempsey, and at least Ricardo Clark had the balls to make a few strong tackles, but that was it really.

Also a fun stat of note: between the two XIs and benches named, only 5 MLS players. Both teams started 1 MLS player a piece, and the US had 3 on the bench, 2 of whom will likely leave in the summer.

Have at it, folks!

Read more on "Team US gets rogered in the rear by England"...

Now We're Just Piling On

This beauty above has been making the rounds on the intertubes and slipped into the Unprofessional Foul mailbox (send your tips, criticisms, NSFW photos and whatnot to Unprofessionalfoul@gmail.com).

Also, if you want to watch JT's slipup on a loop go here. I particularly like what sounds like an Armenian scream of anguish in there. Immensely funny on a loop.

Read more on "Now We're Just Piling On"...

Security, Please Escort the Freckled Man off the Premises

You know that guy at your office? The one who was fired three months ago, but keeps showing up anyway? He'll come in unannounced, gives unsolicited advice to his replacement, gives lectures about "that's not the way we do things around here", and otherwise acts like he wasn't fired for turning everything he turned into crap? You know that guy? Of course you don't! Because that guy would have to be pretty delusional to think anything he says would be taken seriously.

Unless of course, you happen to work at the Football Association and "that guy" is Steve McClaren.

He thought he'd be ever so helpful to his much, much more qualified replacement, telling us Fab Cap must (must!) hand the captain's armband to John Terry. If you feel like you've read this post before, it's because, well, you have. He just won't shut up!

Look, I'm not going to take anger management advice from O.J. Simpson, nor will I take pointers from Alan Greenspan on how to manage the interest rates, and Fabio Cappello certainly won't take anything Second Choice Steve says without a grain, nay, a sack of salt. And really, John Terry? The same Terry who missed the match that essentially got McClaren canned, but was fit enough to start 3 days later for Chelsea? That's some serious commitment to the national team, right there.

Read more on "Security, Please Escort the Freckled Man off the Premises"...