Terry On the Move? Maybe, If His Feelings Are Hurt.

Apparently Manchester Arabia are keen on making another bid for England's brave John Terry. Two bids have already been turned down by Carlo Ancelotti for the Chelsea man, but that won't stop Manchester Arabia (MA) trying again.

They believe that John Terry wants to move to the Mancunian desert. I wonder what gave them that impression? Maybe a certain ex-Chelsea left back? Or maybe a chance meeting over a sea breeze?

Now, I like John Terry. He is a no nonsense center half who always gives his all for his country, but some reports in today's papers are suggesting that EBJT is a little upset and feeling 'unwanted' by Chelsea.

Surely this can't be true?







The Independent is suggesting that Wayne Bridge is well, the bridge between the Russian sector of Saaaaaath London and the Mancunian desert. Surely if Terry wasn't interested in a move he would have said so by now? But he hasn't!

The Sun say that Terry is up for a move also, but they are suggesting that's because he feels 'unwanted'. But why? Chelsea have turned down TWO mega offers for their captain and handed him a 5 year deal in 2007, worth a whopping 130k a week! That deal made Terry the third highest earner at the club after Lampard and Ballack. If that's a sign that the club doesn't want you, then you need to get your sign-sensors checked. 'An insider' (i.e his agent) says that John has heard nothing from Chelsea and feels "betrayed and unwanted". Obviously turning down more than 30 million smackers and paying you 130k a week is a right good kick in the knackers. If that's the case, kick away, my legs are parted.


I said NO. What more do you want?

But this is where the Sun's theory plays on the common theme of footballers as mercenaries. They say that Terry's unhappiness is because he hasn't been offered a new contract, putting him on a par with Lampard. That MA's offer should have sparked his club to throw money at him, making him feel 'wanted'. If this turns out to be the case then Terry will lose any respect he may have earned with football fans outside of the Stamford Bridge walls, making the England captain just another greedy footballer, out for another Ferrari.

Personally I think there is something to the Sun's musings. Not that he feels "betrayed and unwanted" but that he wants whatever will make him happier, which translated in football land means 'richer'. Last week, right before Manchester Arabia made their bids, MA manager Mark Hughes and John Terry stayed in the same hotel in Dubai. Now what are the chances that they didn't have a little chat on the beach or over dinner?

"We met John Terry in one of the restaurants and saw him around the hotel gardens. We also had breakfast at the next table to Mark Hughes." - Holiday maker Jason Dyer.


Jumeirah Beach, Dubai. The perfect place for Arabia manager Hughes to hang with his new captain?

Whatever happens over John Terry's future, he will need to say something soon, not to could drag this on and spoil Chelsea's pre-season preparations. To lose their captain a few weeks from the new season would be a real blow, money in the bank for a replacement or not. New center halves do not just slide into place a week before the first game.

If Terry is sold to Manchester Arabia, he will need to be honest or risk losing any integrity or respect he has earned over the years as a nations captain. Because a move won't be for the Champions League football and it won't be for the new City his wife will get to party and shop in. It will be for the reported 300k a week that Manchester Arabia will put in his pocket.

Read more on "Terry On the Move? Maybe, If His Feelings Are Hurt."...

UF Quick Throw: Lest You Think Real Are Done

There is this fresh from the Guardian. The money quote:

"The answer [from Valencia] was 'no' because negotiations with Real Madrid are very advanced," [Chelsea scout Juan Cruz] Sol said. "So there's no possibility Villa will go to Chelsea because he wants to go to Real Madrid."

It's been a crazy day. We're currently trying to figure out who's out at Madrid and what the starting line-up looks like next season. It's like playing fantasy futbol and it's only crazier if they land David Villa. Our collective thinking in a post tomorrow.

At least it hasn't been a bore waiting for the Confederations Cup to start.

Read more on "UF Quick Throw: Lest You Think Real Are Done"...

Ancelotti Will Get £1M To Do The Impossible

Newly minted Chelsea manager Carlo Ancelotti has a £1M bonus in his contract if he can keep John Terry upright on penalties win the Champions League while at Stamford Bridge.

When you consider the probable price tags on the players Ancelotti's new club's captain is already telling him to sign—Ribery, Villa—then the bonus seems downright quaint.

Then again, when Satan Claus owns your club, signing the two biggest transfer targets on the market isn't that ridiculous. Even as a relative pittance, the £1M is probably going to stay in Arbramovich's pocket. The backroom talk on UF today was pretty much consensus'ed on Ancelotti not lasting the season at Real London Chelsea.

Read more on "Ancelotti Will Get £1M To Do The Impossible"...

Chelsea Fans Continue to Display Maturity of a Four Year Old, Alexander Rybak to Feel The Wrath

File Under: 'Grow Up Already' as Chelsea fans who still can't bring proper perspective to a football game have begun a campaign to bring referee Tom Henning Øvrebø to justice.

And they will do it by voting against a sensitive singer songwriter:

Now an internet campaign has been launched to hit [Øvrebø's] native country where it really hurts – at the Eurovision song contest. Norway is favourite to win Saturday night’s event in Moscow with singer Alexander Rybak, 22, and his ditty Fairytale.

Angry children Chelsea fans are urging people to give Rybak "null pionts" so that he loses in Moscow, just like Chelsea did last year.

Oh history, sometimes we do underestimate your sense of humor, don't we?

For those not in the know, the Eurovision song contest is kind of a big deal, or at least it is as a cultural phenomenon. But winners aren't magically transformed into Celine Dion, except maybe Celine Dion who won in 1988.

So Chelsea fans have turned a ref into Salman Rushdie and now they are going to crush an innocent singer songerwriter. Yet, they still aren't going to Rome. Stay classy, Blues'ers.

Read more on "Chelsea Fans Continue to Display Maturity of a Four Year Old, Alexander Rybak to Feel The Wrath"...

LiveBlog: Tootsie Pop FC v. Blue London Scum

Bendtner may have de-pantsed himself midweek, but it's the Blue Scum doing the de-pantsing today

Which teams got eliminated from the CL this week? Oh right, these two. So there's that displaced rage to feed into the proceedings, as well as the FA Cup semi, although let's not ignore the fact that this game is largely meaningless. It's all about pride, folks!

Let's go!

Lineups:

Tootsie Pop FC: Fabianski, Sagna, Toure, Silvestre, Gibbs, Walcott, Nasri, Song Billong, Diaby, Fabregas, Van Persie.
Subs: Mannone, Denilson, Ramsey, Djourou, Adebayor, Bendtner, Eboue.

Blue London Scum: Cech, Bosingwa, Alex, Terry, Ashley Cole, Essien, Mikel, Lampard, Anelka, Drogba, Malouda.
Subs: Hilario, Ivanovic, Di Santo, Ballack, Kalou, Belletti, Mancienne.

1 min: The Gunners break well with Walcott steaming up the middle like a greyhound and having two cracks at goal, the first blocked before the second ended up in Row ZZ. Bright start.

3 mins: The ball is being knocked around at a fast pace thus far, with Lamps and Anelka trying to break through seconds ago, the move ended by the Frenchman's weighty first touch.

Walcott is caught offside as Arse try to get the ball over the top. It's an interesting tactic, as Chelsea are defending way back and not leaving much room for Gooners to sprint into.

Gibbs's cross is shinned out by Alex for our first corner of the game... Fabregas takes it long, but it's way too long and it dribbles out for a Chelsea goal kick.

6 mins: Walcott wins a corner off Ashley Cole. Young Theo looks a lot more up for it than he did midweek. Nevermind; Cech collects the corner with ease.

At the other end, Gibbs makes a strong tackle and snuffs out some danger down right right wing. Emirates applauds him warmly after the nightmare in the CL. Good confidence boost for the young lad.

Then, in the space of 60 seconds, two great moves by the home side; Nasri runs onto a nice pass dummied and left for him, but he turns Bosingwa too many times and it ends up out for a throw. From the dead ball, the Gooners work it across the pitch from left to right, and a neat pass through the Chelsea backline gives Walcott a sniff at the back post, forcing a punch save from Cech. Van Persie wastes the resulting corner.

Reds definitely looking sharper than the Blues thus far, which is to be expected -- after all, whose CL defeat was more heartbreaking, controversial and bitter?

10 mins: First real attacking move for Chelsea, involving a speculative lofted pass from Lamps to Drogba, but Toure is there to nod it away.

Lamps gets some space 20+ yards out and dead in front, but his shot is always slicing wide.

The two sides are enjoying time on the ball to knock it around (mostly Arsenal), but one suspects it's due to the lack of pressure on either side to win.

GREAT MOVE by Arsenal --- Diaby toepokes wide after a lovely build-up; Nasri spins away from pressure in midfield and sprints on goal. He feeds Walcott wide, and his square pass back into traffic but Diaby can't finish.

Drogba slips at the other end trying to keep the ball in play, prompting more than a few jeers. No displays of rage and/or petulance from the Ivorian. Yet.

15 mins: The Chelsea backline is looking rather drab thus far. Malouda's hair, however, is looking fantastic, dahling.

Silvestre mops up an attempted cross-field release for Anelka, and the Gooners break quickly; Walcott chases down an overhit pass into the left corner and slams it across goal -- no-one there to finish. Ball ends up whizzing in and around the Chelsea goal, but no actual shot to speak of.

Arsenal are playing with the unfettered exuberance of a team with little to lose. If only this game had some fucking meaning or consequence!

18 mins: Just as Lampard begins to exert some calming influence over the midfield, Arsenal break quickly with Diaby down the left. He has Bosingwa on his heels (and in his pocket) all the way back to the edge of the Blues' box, and his low cross reaches all the way to Walcott at the back post... the youngster sidefoots it wide. Excellent chance again for the Gooners.

This game doesn't mean anything for next season's CL, does it? 3rd and 4th place go into the 3rd qualifying round... although Chelsea could keep pace with Liverpool for 2nd and the automatic spot in the group stage.

21 mins: Chelsea grind some passes out, and a lovely move by Drogba to backheel the ball through his marker sets Ashley Cole off on a race towards goal. He squares it for Malouda, but his sidefooted finish is too casual and Gibbs is there to block. Anyone other than the cornrowed Frenchman and it's a goal, me thinks. Arsenal scramble it clear -- Drogba has a chance to shoot from the top of the box, but his curled effort it 1,000 miles wide.

On replay, Malouda didn't even hit it cleanly. Douche.

24 mins: A mildly entertaining game thus far, a bit like Ocean's Twelve in its ability to keep the viewer amused without insulting their intelligence.

Mikel fouls near his own area (as he is often wont to do), giving Fabregas a chance to angle one in. He opts to shoot right into Bosingwa behind the wall, and then the Blues play statues from the rebound; inexplicably, the ball is allowed to bounce in the box, and Diaby shins it wide from close range. Cech is pissed, and rightly so; should be 1-0 Arsenal right now.

27 mins: Fabregas touches Drogba's heel as the Ivorian receives the ball. It was a light touch, a feathery contact to say the least. Drogba tumbles like a Jenga tower missing one too many bricks, and Phil Dowd issues the Spaniard a yellow for his efforts. The free kick is floated in...

... GOAL GOAL GOAL for Chelsea! What a shambles, and completely undeserved. Alex rises to meet Drogba's inch-perfect cross, and his header from 12 yards rattles off the underside of the bar and in. Silvestre didn't bother to leap and disrupt the Brazilian, and Fabianski stood and watched the ball hit the woodwork and fall in.

Shambolic goal -- but I await the fun in the comments! Tootsie Pop FC 0, Blue London Scum 1

Not good for Fourthsenal. Boos echo around the Emirates, and the Reds need to respond quickly.

30 mins: Almost 2-0! Malouda nips in behind Sagna and canters towards goal, but his cross for Drogba is deflected behind for a corner. Lamps bends it in and Fabianski comes out a mile to punch and scramble it clear. He fails, but Arse are lucky as a whistle blows.

32 mins: Dowd ushers Cesc over for an actual foul, as the Spaniard poleaxes Malouda in full sprint and fails to get a toe on the ball. I'm confused; the first foul on Drogba (the first "foul", rather) wasn't card-worthy, but this one certainly was. Dowd preaches leniency, but one more of those and Fabregas will shower early. Lampard is right to question the ref for his inconsistency.

34 mins: That Theo sure is fast, isn't he? A long ball springs him free over Ashley Cole, who's caught ball-watching, but Walcott runs out of steam in the box and Chelsea are able to clear.

36 mins: We're entering a bit of a lull; to continue the Ocean's Twelve, it's that bit in the movie between when they piss off the French bandit and start planning how they're gonna steal that Faberge egg.

But wait! Intrigue! Walcott again gets down the right wing and crosses right across goal but the Gooner in the middle (Diaby?) can't usher it in with a backheel. Just Bolton that, lad, and knee/shin/ankle/waist it into net. Flair has its place, but so does brutality. Finish with some force!

38 mins: Drogba receives some healthy boos when he gets the ball. I wonder why?

GOAL GOAL GOAL GOAL... and it's the visitors again! Gooner fans should complain about the pathetic effort of Samir Nasri, who was supposed to be marking Nicolas Anelka there. Absolutely awful. Anelka picks it up miles from goal, has time to control and turn past the frosted-tip traffic cone that is Nasri, sprint some 15 yards and rifle a right-footed shot past Fabianski. Not a single Gooner touched him the entire time.

If there was still a Gilberto Silva at Emirates, Anelka would be hobbling towards early retirement and Arsenal would still be down just 1-0. Such is life. Tootsie Pop FC 0, Blue London Scum 2

42 mins: Arsenal try to free Walcott, the only Gooner giving an effort thus far, down the right again, but he's double-teamed and can't keep possession.

This first 40 has been difficult for the Gooners, showing them in the cold light of day (even though it's summer); when unpressured, they are transcendent in moving forward, but for all their pacy, slight attacking middies, they are awful in tracking back. Sure, the first goal came from a textbook Drogba dive, but you could have made an effort in defending that corner. There's precious little in that midfield that can actually tackle, and in the EPL, such frailty will resign you to 4th place. Sorry, folks, I calls 'em like I sees 'em.

At Anfield our defense might be wobbly, but woe betide the poor soul who wanders into Mascherano's territory looking for some room to skip and stepover.

Somewhere in the middle of my rambling, Malouda could have made it 3-0. Wenger needs to buy some old-fashioned grit for that midfield this off-season. They're a team of supermodels that desperately need some gap-toothed hustle and bustle to keep them grounded. Can Nobby Stiles still play football?

45 mins + 1: Nothing of substance to talk about. Essien finds Malouda in the middle after another breezy run at the Gooner backline. Malouda loses it, but Anelka is there to sidefoot into Fabianski's legs. Decent save, but Anelka should have done better.

HALF TIME: Tootsie Pop FC 0, Blue London Scum 2
At the risk of inciting The NY Kid's ire in the comments, the gap between Arsenal and Spurs won't be twenty points next season. Why? Because Spurs have a defensive midfielder in Palacios who can tackle. And that Jamie O'Hara's good at that too.

Arsenal played well for 25 minutes but couldn't finish. Chelsea played simple footy and are two goals to the good, aided by some defensive generosity from their hosts.

Let's hope for some action in the 2nd half and not a sleepy continuation of the half's final 10 minutes.

CONGRATS TO MIKE GEORGER, UF's favourite resident LFC fan in the sandbox. Well done, sir. You made it!

New name for Arsenal: Tootsie Pop FC (at least until you purchase a quality DM).

Although, that implies a hard exterior. Hmm... back to the drawing board. I mean, you all realize I'm doing this because the game itself is now even more devoid of excitement and intrigue, right?

BRILLIANT! They show Gold Cup teaser commercials, and the first three snippets involve fighting, arguing and shocking tackling. I cannot wait! That's definitely the best way to sell that tournament.

We're off again!

47 mins: Anelka gets behind Mikael Silvestre, but his cross is off-target and the Tootsie Pops clear.

GOAL GOAL GOAL GOAL... Kolo Toure swallows a bullet for his team, and that just sucks. A lovely outside-of-the-foot ball by Ashley Cole gets over the top for Drogba, and Kolo Toure gets in the way of Drogba's cross (something he had to do, really) to turn it into his own net. Fabianski was caught between all the action like a moron. Unlucky, really, but it would have been a tap-in for the Blues had Toure not tried to defend. Tootsie Pop FC 0, Blue London Scum 3

So, in order to keep everyone chatting, let's start seeing some summer shopping lists (best case, and realistic) for all our clubs. Who do you need to succeed next season?

Liverpool could use some decent wing-backs and a second striker. Zhirkov and Villa, please.

50 mins: Van Persie gets behind the Scum backline (though offside not called, whoops), but his low shot is well saved by Cech. Are you taking notes from the other end, Lukas?

54 mins: Walcott's fine, looping cross to the back post finds Nasri, but he can't finish a difficult volley with Essien closing in, and the ball ends up in the stands.

56 mins: The stands are still pretty full as the cameraman takes some time off from the melee to look around. Wenger looks rather pissed off.

Walcott again gets some room down the right -- he's working his arse off, give him credit -- but from the cross, van Persie's shot is deflected out for a corner. Fabregas takes it, but Drogba heads it clear. It comes to Song, who plays a clever chip to the back post where Walcott is free, but he blazes a shot wide of the far post with no defender nearby. He should have buried that.

Toure needlessly gives away a corner. Malouda to swing it in.

Rejoice, Tootsie Pop fans... Bendtner is warming up!

59 mins: The commentator points out that if Arsenal had converted all these chances, it'd be 3-3. What good does it do to say that?

SUB FOR TOOTSIE POP FC: Abou Diaby crawls off, replaced by the pink-booted Dane. Time for him to prove he's the best in the world, then. He just needs to make sure he keeps his pants pulled up while doing so.

61 mins: Drogba spots Fabianski off his line and attempts to chip it over him from 45 yards. Predictably, he misses.

NOTE TO STEVE: Spurs don't steal players from anyone. They are, however, always available to buy back at a steal of a price.

64 mins: Walcott v. Terry. Who would win that sprint? Theo, while contemplating how to elegantly skip past the England regular, is dispossessed by Essien who tracks back. Tracking Back = something Tootsie Pop FC defenders midfielders need to do.

Bosingwa looks shocked he got that Cole cross at the back post; after all, two defenders had chances to clear before it got there. He blitzes the ball over the bar.

67 mins: Sagna avoids going into the book, and Wenger readies to roll the dice with his final 2 substitutions.

Bosingwa cuts in from the wing under little pressure, but his left-footed drive is a thousand miles wide.

FINAL TWO SUBS FOR TOOTSIE POP FC (pray there are no injuries): Theo Walcott and Alex Song off, replaced by Denilson and Emmanuel Adebayor. The lanky/useless striker gets a little bit of the boo-boy action as he saunters onto the pitch. He looks ready to gesticulate and look disgruntled as not receiving possession exactly the way he would like in the final third.

69 mins: Lamps fouls Fabregas in midfield, but the home side do nothing with it. Then Lamps plays a lovely first-time ball out left for Malouda, but he can't cross under pressure and Fabianski smothers the loose ball.

GOAL GOAL GOAL GOAL... a possible lifeline for the Tootsie Pops? Lovely cross by Sagna, and Nicklas Bendtner powers over Essien and Bosingwa, directing a fine downward header inside Cech's far post. The striker did very, very well there. Didn't Adebayor used to do stuff like that? Tootsie Pop FC 1, Blue London Scum 3

The Gooners are showing some life now, with Adebayor getting into interesting wide positions and looking to cause menace. Another goal in the next 5-7 minutes would make things very interesting.

Somewhere far, far away, Sir Alex Ferguson is fast asleep, not even bothering to watch.

Lamps blasts a free-kick from 30+ yards way over the bar.

74 mins: Nasri's been largely rubbish today. ANOTHER GOOD CHANCE FOR TOOTSIE POP FC.... another great cross into the heart of the box, and Bendtner powers a header back across goal, forcing a fine diving save by Cech. Van Persie was right behind the Dane, and should have probably been a bit more vocal in calling for that ball. A lot more momentum with the Tootsies now.

Then, a weak shout for a penalty as Adebayor nips behind Bosingwa and tumbles, but it was never going to be called, not even by the moron Phil Dowd.

Toure then levels Malouda with a hip-check as the ball's going out of bounds. Malouda is down, but just a free kick. Some emotion is being shown at Emirates!

SUBSTITUTION FOR THE BLUE LONDON SCUM: The Unibrow Bosingwa departs, replaced by Branislav "I somehow scored TWO goals at Anfield!" Ivanovic.

78 mins: There is still some fight left in this one (like that bit in Ocean's Twelve where they all end up in jail except for Matt Damon and Bernie Mac and the other guy, who plan that whole shenanigan with Julia Roberts acting as Julia Roberts in that Italian hotel), but Tootsie Pop FC need that 2nd goal quickly if there's to be any semblance of excitement.

80 mins: RvP fizzes a free header towards the top corner, but Cech is a giant and catches it easily.

PS. Both teams have had 13 attempts on goal?

A nice link-up down the left with Adebayor setting Fabregas off. The Spaniard gets to the touchline and chips a cross into the middle, but Cech stretches to grab.

82 mins: Bendtner finds Nasri in the box, who steps inside and has his shot blocked out for a corner.

A mess in the middle! The home side can't force it in with defenders everywhere; Toure, Silvestre and Gibbs all have chances to shoot, but it goes over the top.

Coulda been different if it wasn't three defenders trying to force that ball in.

85 mins: There's a surprising amount of excitement in this for a game that's 3-1.

UM, CONTENTIOUS PENALTY DECISION ALERT! Adebayor is through one-on-one with Cech, knocks the ball past the goalie and goes down! Emirates demands blood in the form of a PK! Upon review, Adebayor totally fucking dove. Sorry, Gooners.

GOAL GOAL GOAL GOAL.... that's how you respond. Malouda beats the offside trap and shoots into Fabianski's legs, Anelka hits the post with an empty net (he was a bit offside, no?), but the ball pings into Florent Malouda who bundles it into a still empty net. Some real pinball stuff, and also the final punctuation mark on a weird, wild afternoon. That's the best thing about liveblogging Tootsie Pop FC matches; win, lose or draw, you do get your money's worth. Tootsie Pop FC 1, Blue London Scum 4

SUB FOR BLUE LONDON SCUM: Malouda off, having had a surpringly decent game, and he's replaced by the growling, miserable Kraut, Michael Ballack.

90 mins: Curtains. Close. In Ocean's Twelve, George Clooney and Julia Roberts are smiling and giggling, having double-crossed the French guy. Brad Pitt is kissing his girl on an airplane, and everyone's happy.

Some lazy passing and both teams just killing time. RvP has a shot that's blocked, and the Blue London Scum knock it about a bit having calmly cleared their lines.


FULL TIME: Tootsie Pop FC 1, Blue London Scum 4
Not much to cheer about if you like Wenger and the youth/flair/potential, etc. Their midfield is shockingly soft when not in possession. Hiddink brought his men well-prepared, and the result is deserved. Maybe the 4th wasn't, but the margin of victory is a fair representation of the gulf between the two sides today.

Thanks for making this entertaining in the comments. I should liveblog the Gooners more often.

What have we learned?
- Buy some fucking midfielders that can tackle
- Ocean's Twelve is a decent flick, though not legendary
- Adebayor is a filthy diver

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It's All San Andres' Fault: A Second Semi-Final Redux

Didier Drogba has placed blame for Chelsea's Champions League exit squarely on his shoulders after his failure to score at the Nou Camp when he got in alone on Victor Valdes.

Just kidding. Chelsea players are all about Øvrebø.

Here's a link dump in the fallout of Barca's extra-time leveler at Stamford Bridge yesterday. Click bonanza after the jump.


Chelsea players now saying there were "six or seven" decisions against them. Pretty sure by next week, it will be between 15 and 20.

Graham Poll counts four. Also the only person in London not selectively forgetting that Chelsea received a bad decision gift with Abidal's sending off. Webchat with Mr. Three Yellows is here.

Pique admits his handball could have been legitimately given, then tells Chelsea to fuck off because they got all the calls at the Nou Camp.

Sun says Drogba attacked ref and is facing a ban.

Drogba consoles self after loss by dating a man. Great pic of Ballack flashdancing with Øvrebø.

The ref had to be smuggled out of the country due to death threats. Stay classy football fans. (Oh, and now UEFA has put a gag order on Øvrebø to stop talking about the match).

No shit? headline on this one. We just wanted an excuse to mention Guardiola. Was his sideline sprint more Mourinho at Old Trafford in the CL, or Slaven Bilic from last summer's Euro?

Anytime it's a choice between 'conspiracy' and 'incompetence' always pick the latter, people.

Finally, we end with this nugget from England's Brave John Terry: ''I am fully behind Didier Drogba for the way he reacted. The man wants to win. You can see the passion that he played with during the game and the passion afterwards."

Clearly, EBJT wasn't paying any attention the entire management tenure of Phil Scolari when Drogba couldn't even be bothered to mail it in. Anyway, that's the crazy person that Terry is backing up top. "You're not angry, you're just pointing. 'Hey you, I know you. I know you.'"

Thanks to Sarah for another fantastic animated gif. And here are some decent bonus pics here, here, here, and here.

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CL Preview, 2nd Leg: Barcelona cometh

Frank Lampard: excited. Possibly suffering from lockjaw.

When flair and class descends on the Stamford Bridge grass, we must hope and pray it doesn't end in 0-0 again. After all, the other semi-final provided way more goals than I expected (sorry, Gooners), so it seems criminal and unfair that a match involving Barcelona, scorer of 156,413 goals this season (at least 91,673 of those provided by Lionel "God" Messi), should give us nil-nil over 90+ difficult Nou Camp minutes.

What say you, folks? How about more dumb reasons why either side might win?

LB
WHY CHELSEA WILL WIN
- Lampard/Drogba in good form
- Far better at grinding out 1-0 wins than Barca

WHY BARCA WILL WIN
- Away goals, baby! Just need one
- They have a La Liga defense... nuff said


NY Kid
WHY CHELSEA WILL WIN
1. The French tandem of Anelka and Malouda [Ed. Note: He's totally kidding]
2. Abramovich and the Russian mafia want it that way

WHY BARCA WILL WIN
1. Titi, Messi and Eto'o are unstoppable up top
2. Pep Guardiola dresses nicer than Guus Hiddink


Autoglass
WHY CHELSEA WILL WIN
1. Full squad, in form, at home vs. Puyol and Marquez out.
2. Hiddink shut them down at the Nous Camp, this hasn't been done.

WHY BARCA WILL WIN
1. Barca remindes us in Madrid that they are the rampant side in Europe this season, the first leg aside.
2. Messi, Eto'o and Titty can't be held for 180 minutes, can they?


Spectator
WHY CHELSEA WILL WIN
- Because the football gods want a soul-crushing Man U-Chelsea final

WHY BARCA WILL WIN
- Because the football gods exist


The Fan's Attic
WHY CHELSEA WILL WIN
Michael Essien

WHY BARCA WILL WIN
Xavi


Precious Roy
WHY CHELSEA WILL WIN
The Baby Jesus hates me.

WHY BARCA WILL WIN
They'll probably get some room to operate as Chelsea can't play for a goalless draw again (unless they want to put their fate on EBJT's penalty-taking foot again)

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I Hate My Club's New Shirt

Editor's Note: While we realize that this is not breaking news to this site, we thought it would be fun to get Autoglass's response on the new Chelsea shirt. He doesn't disappoint.
---

I hate my favorite club's, Chelsea, new shirt. Sure, it’s still that beautiful “Reflex Blue” that CFC switched to several years back. And, sure, when compared to some of the shirts the Blues have worn over the years, it’s an improvement. But the panels? The form fitting look? The stupid crew collar? Yuck. Fundamentally, there are three problems with this shirt. After the jump, we’ll review them...

First, it’s going to make the team look stupid. They’ll look like they are wearing unitards under their shorts. Unitards with man-bra panels.

Second, this technical fabric and design trend is moronic. I guarantee you that no Chelsea player will at any point next season say, “Wow, this shirt keeps my body cool and allows me greater freedom of movement!” Never. It’s a fucking t-shirt. They are already more than forgiving and comfortable enough.

Finally, think of the fans. We’re supposed to go out and buy a shirt that, when stretched over our middle-aged torsos, will make us look like a Blue sausage crossed with the paneled look of Edward Scissorhands? Tens of thousands of these shirts are going to be stretched over the paunches and man-boobs of the Stamford Bridge support? To paraphrase Jerry Seinfeld, who were the marketing wizards that came up with this idea?

In summary, Chelsea have launched a new strip that makes the team look stupid, personifies the excesses of hype in design, and absolutely maximizes the doofus factor among the supporters.

I hate it. And when I go to Wembley for the FA Cup Final (Yes, I am going. And I’m taking my 8 year old son to his first match in Europe…to see Chelsea…in a Cup Final…at Wembley), I will proudly wearing my old Autoglass shirt. It was ugly, but at least it's not stupid.



Your thoughts on that latest trends in stupid shirt design? And will Liverpool AGAIN simply take the same basic Adidas shirt, except in red, such that Liverpool and Chelsea look like two sides of the same club wearing different colors for a training match?

Read more on "I Hate My Club's New Shirt"...

The UF Power Poll: The Karol Wojtyla Edition

So here we are, just weeks from Rome; hours from the first leg of Barcelona v. Chelsea at the Nou Camp. These are truly the champagne days of European footy, and if you go by our rankings, it truly is the best of the best left to play it out for Chaaaaaaaahhhhhhmpions League glory.

Gone, of course, are usual suspects Liverpool and AC Milan. But no one-- outside their respective supporters-- should find that especially upsetting. Liverpool's annual psychodrama has played itself out to the only logical end, even if the process-- goals goals goals-- was unfamiliar. Milan, of course, have been an afterthought aside from the Beckham intrigue.

Let us now focus on the contenders!

So here they are-- no frills-- with your Facebook votes appreciated, as ever.


1) Barcelona - 1.38 (1st, 1.4)

Take a long look at Barca in their familiar top slot. It may be the last time. They welcome Chelsea to the Nou Camp today for what Abramovich serf and manager Hiddink admits could be an attacking bonanza. Now, our instincts say the Catalans will be the side enjoying said bonanza, but if we've learned anything this year, it's that Chelsea can give it as easily as they get it. So would it be outlandish for the Blues to leave Barcelona down, but with a few away goals in their back pocket? Surely not. Could sure set up an intriguing second leg in London. Another question: Do Barca have the stick to step onto English soil and play their clever game? That's to be seen, of course, though given Chelsea's GK situation right now-- they'd be better with 11 outfield players-- Barca retains the edge.

Oh and they have a +68 GD (!!!) in La Liga.


2) Manchester United - 1.63 (3rd, 3.6)

They've played a lot of games this season. And just when you think it's all caught up with them... when there's nothing left in the tank... when the League is once again in doubt... well... Howard Webb steps in and hits the restart button. United always get the benefit of the doubt. That may not be enough to carry a club to tens of trophies, but it is those small (sometimes big) moments that can turn a tight game, a tough run, a championship in their favor. They'd have probably come back and salvaged a draw on Saturday, Webb disgrace or not, but the way they got the first goal game has to be dispiriting. United: they can beat ya 12 different ways.


3) Chelsea - 3.88 (6th, 7.2)

The Guus has been cooking up EPL and Euro competition alike (and where they intersect) and doing so with some attacking flash. This three spot is tantamount to a mark of applause from our voters, who had become accustomed to Mourinho Chelsea. The Special One's sides rarely ran riot scoring goals-- but they also rarely lost, or conceded more than a hard-fought one or two-- unlike this side which pop in 3 or 4 for fun... but then return the favor, and not just to Liverpool. If they ship three in a row home to SF Bolton, imagine what Leo and Co. could produce.


4) Liverpool - 4.13 (2nd, 1.6)

Los Rojos take the steepest plunge among the perennial top four. By the last poll, they were dominating Euro competition (see: Real Madrid mollywhopping) and feeling fresh after a legendary dismantling of the Chaaaaaaaahmpions at OT. But prosperity sits about as well with Rafa's chicos as the Pig Plague does with Mexican railworkers. We'll give them this: Never has a team, guaranteed to finish the season with no silverware, had such a memorable run... and not in a bad way. Cold comfort, I'm sure.


5) Arsenal - 4.88 (9th, 12.7)

The Super Adventure Club doesn't have to travel too far for their tie with the reigning kings of Europe. Sadly, that trip takes them north to Manchester, where they will contend with both a football team and the stench of inevitability. As always, the key is to come out of tomorrow's first leg with at least a goal to their name. And hey, given their form, Gooners have as good a chance as anyone.


6) Real Madrid - 6 (7th, 7)

The Morbo is building in Spain these days, as Madrid continue to close the gap on leaders Barcelona. Quoteth manager Juande Ramos, these recent developments feel "nice." And why not? Real were dead in the agua a month or two into the season. But they were decisive, canning the bo-ring German bloke who led them to last year's title in favor of the super-queer, lisping Spanish magico that is Mister Ramos. Madrid have played some interesting games of late, scoring and conceding at a pulsating rate.

And speaking of pulsating, they will host Barca (whom they trail by 4 points) on Saturday. Madrid's last loss in La Liga came at the Nou Camp on December 20 of last year.


7) AZ Alkmaar - 8.13 (unranked)

And speaking of teams that just do not ever lose... well, AZ Aalkmar have finally lost. Their unbeaten run, which started September 20, 2008, came to an end 10 days ago, nearly SEVEN MONTHS after it began. AZ are 11 points clear atop the Eredivisie and followed streakbreaker with a road draw to Ajax.


8) Inter Milan - 8.8 (4th, 5.1)

Even an attempted subterfuge by our Facebook voter(s) couldn't drop Inter below their San Siro flatmates. For all the entertainment of the Mourinho Era (2008-2009), Inter will likely come away from this season much like last (even considering Sunday's slip-up.) And the year before. A shiny new Scudetto and a weakass exit from European competition.


9) AC Milan - 14.88 (unranked)

Unbeaten in seven, six of those wins, and all this with Phillippe Senderos in the squad! But even their lovely form, coupled with Inter's loss on Sunday, won't be enough to overtake the long-time Serie A leaders. But, fear not Rosanero, Beckham will be back in the winter! (As will Chaaaaaaahmpions League football. Seriously, been weird with out this bunch boring us all to sleep on matchday.)


10) Porto - 15.25 (10th, 14.3)

Four points clear of runners-up Sporting with four to play. They gave United a bit of a scare in the CL quarterfinal, ultimately trembling before the passionate Manc supporters and their leader, their enforcer, the seargant-in-arms for all things United, Lingering Bursitis.


Dropped - Bayern Munich (along with their coach), Hertha Berlin

In the mix - Marseille, Wolfsburg, Everton, Spurs (until about 3.23 pm edt Saturday... dammit.)

Read more on "The UF Power Poll: The Karol Wojtyla Edition"...

Gus Hiddink is a Nut Job Who Needs to Buy An XBOX

Don't worry Chelsea fans. The Barcelona games are in the bag. You have them covered. How is this possible? Gus Hiddink has already played them for you....In his head.

Hiddink has confessed to playing full matches in his noggin in advance. Wow...

“You have to think ahead and I have played Barcelona twice in my head. In my head, I have never lost a game in preparation!" - Gus Hiddink.

I'd be a little worried for him if he was losing games in his head wouldn't you? Hmmm, I am now left wondering why Hiddink has never won the World Cup and how Chelsea managed to draw a blank against Everton last week. Do players get sent off in his head or throw coins at fans? This past weekend, Chelsea only managed a 1-0 win at West Ham. If I was playing that game in my head, I know I'd have scored at least 6. Maybe he's just keeping it real. Good for him.

Seriously though, this is a little nuts no? I guess to be a top-flight manager you have to be a little crazy, just look at Glenn Hoddle. That's one guy who was deffinately a sandwich short of a picnic.

-Bigus.

Read more on "Gus Hiddink is a Nut Job Who Needs to Buy An XBOX"...

John Mikel Obi John John Obi needs a chauffeur

Poor John Obi Obi John Mikel John Obi. Having been caught back in January for some rather nifty, though horribly illegal, driving under the influence, the Chelsea midfielder appeared in court this morning to get his punishment.


What Obi John's driving might have looked like

Let's just say he'll be spending most of his annual salary on taxis.

Hop to it, Guardian!

District Judge Jeremy Coleman banned him from driving for 15 months and ordered him to pay £1,580 at West London Magistrates' Court. Mikel looked stumped as he was ordered to stop driving.

His solicitor said he would not undertake a drink driving course to shorten the ban because he "would just like to serve it out".

Ouch. Apparently being caught at nearly twice the legal limit (to get technical: 66 micrograms of alcohol in 100 millilitres of air... crazy science) gets you a healthy ban.

So, Mikel is car-less for over a year. Thankfully he works in a city known for his mass transit system, although I'd be careful taking the District Line to work; if you miss your stop at Fulham Broadway, the next one is Parsons Green, and then you're in the heart of Cottagers Country.

They don't take kindly to Nigerian defensive midfielders from Chelsea around those parts.

Read more on "John Mikel Obi John John Obi needs a chauffeur"...

This should make for an awkward conversation

Frank Lampard's having a fine season on the pitch. Instrumental for his team in their drunk punch-out with Liverpool on Tuesday, playing well in the EPL, and keeping his club competitive on three two fronts.

Off the field, it's not so good. His recent split from his fiancee Elen Rives has been difficult, although by the looks of this picture above, he's found some rather attractive, though disheveled, counsel to aid the healing process.

She joined Lamps for dinner on Wednesday with his dad and teammates Petr Cech (he dropped his silverware within minutes of sitting down!) and Henrique Hilario (who?) to celebrate their passage to the semi-finals of the Champions League, and had a good night, going on to a nightclub with the brunette for a few night-caps.

However, John Terry may have rocked things a little bit. Who was his dinner accompaniment the other night? Lamps' ex.

Hit it, Daily Mail! To the Gossipcopter!

As the Man of the Match dined at the Italian restaurant, his former love was less than a mile down the road at Japanese eaterie Zuma in Knightsbridge with Terry and his wife Toni. Zuma is Rives's favourite restaurant and the scene was many a romantic dinner date with Lampard.

Despite calling off their engagement two months ago, it appears Spanish beauty Rives, 30, is still very much a part of the Chelsea social circle.The mother-of-two has been friends with Terry's wife Toni for several years and attended the couple's 2007 wedding with Lampard.

I'm sure it's all fine. I mean, my best mate and his wife have dinner with my exes all the time. Totally natural.

The fact that they went to a regular date spot for Lamps and Rives is an especially nice flourish to the tale, and I'm sure they'll have plenty to talk about as they prep for the FA Cup semi-final this weekend.

*sigh*

Slow news days bring out the gossipmonger in me. For shame.

Read more on "This should make for an awkward conversation"...

Quick Throw: David Villa to Chelsea, or not?

Anatomy of a Transfer Rumor: because a lot can happen in 3 hours.

Friday morning, EARLY: Chelsea prep a 45 million pound bid for David Villa. [Guardian Sport]

Friday, 5.37am: No, sorry... Chelsea prepare 40 million pound bid for David Villa. [Daily Mail]

Friday, 6.42am: David Villa is adamant that he doesn't want to leave Valencia for Chelsea, but he'll be ready to discuss his future should a suitable bid come in for his services. [Guardian Sport]

Friday, 8.10am: David Villa says he wants to see out his crazy contract at Valencia. [Daily Mail]


In less than 150 minutes (or roughly the time it takes for Alex Ferguson to complete a regeneration in his wicked biochamber that's fueled by the souls of children), you damn journos have messed with the hearts of middle-class Chelsea fans everywhere.

For shame, Daily Mail and Guardian. Foooooorrrr shaaaaame.

Read more on "Quick Throw: David Villa to Chelsea, or not?"...

Ancelotti to Chelsea? The Papers Seem to Think It's a Done Deal

Ancelotti and Hiddink.... Which one is which???

The Sun has reported that Ancelotti is definitely going to Chelsea this summer. As these things are want to do, this news has quickly been picked up around the world as fact. Done deal. Signed and Delivered.

But you'll have to forgive us if we are still a little suspect.

First off, Milan has denied that Ancelotti is leaving.

Second, despite Hiddink's prostrations that he is definitely heading back to Russia, if Chelsea continue on their current run than I'm sure Abromovich will make Guus an offer he can't refuse. He just seems like the right man for the job. (Want proof? Just compare the post-game interview Hiddink gave after Chelsea beat Liverpool to any that Scolari gave during his tenure.... Scolari always looked like he was having a Maalox moment, while Hiddink looked like everything went according to his plans.)

Third, it's the Sun for criminy's sake.

And fourth, this move would violate Spectator's First Rule of European Football: No sane person would ever leave Italy for England except under extraordinary circumstances.

But there you have it. Summer rumors will be summer rumors: Either they happen or they fizzle out and are replaced by the next surefire, it-definitely-will-happen move. Like C-Ron to Real Madrid.

Read more on "Ancelotti to Chelsea? The Papers Seem to Think It's a Done Deal"...

Autoglass speaks...

The busy Blues fan, Autoglass, took time out from his hectic gloating schedule to pen this missive from the road...

I’ve been traveling far too much lately. This week I found myself in Tampa when my beloved Chelsea came upon a critical Champions League tie at Anfield. Liverpool in the Champions League has become an April ritual. Those Blue and Red shirts are the crocuses of Spring. After the break, you get Autoglass’ Tampa travelogue.

I lived in New York for ten years. There, a Champions League session was two blocks away. Out and back in a scoot. There are twenty good football pubs in New York. Always one a short hop away. It spoils a guy.

I then moved to California. Still, options. More driving, but I watched John Terry cry not three miles from my office.

But I’m in Tampa this week and Chelsea visit Liverpool for a Champions League Quarter-Final. First, I needed to find a decent pub. That was easy. There is apparently exactly one. MacDinton’s is the clear choice. No disrespect to Tampa, but there is no second or third choice. If you’re in Tampa and any important match is at stake, just go to MacDinton’s.

By some miracle, my Wednesday afternoon was free work-wise. I cleared the time of any incursion, and made tracks for MacDinton’s. But late. I couldn’t get on the road until match time. I called Lingering Bursitis.

". Mate, you need to talk me in! I’m 15 mins from the pub!"

", I’ve got you covered."

We hang up. Not two minutes later, I’m on I-4 in Tampa and the phone rings…

"Fernando Torres, Liverpool’s number 9!" The bastard sings. Fuck. We’re behind and I’m not even there! Fuck! I know this movie. Liverpool rampant. Our season in tatters. Me at a strange footie pub pissing in my Guinness.

I make my way to MacDinton’s. Nice place in Tampa’s SoHo neighborhood (South Howard Avenue. Lame. But then, all such NoMaSoFoMoFu things are lame, even in New York.) They have free valet parking! And two outside bars with plenty of screens, pretty raven-haired Irish barmaids, and Florida sunshine. I settle in.

Outside sports bars. If you’ve been, you know. If you haven’t…it’s better than you are thinking. You really need to move somewhere warm…but you know that already, right?

Anyhoo, I settle into a lovely crowd. Red, Blue and hangers-on for Arsenal, United and, yes, Nottingham Forest... all in Tampa. (Bigus, the Forest dude convinced me that you are going down. I argued gamely for our Canaries. Up the City!)

At first, the lack of bile was unsettling. What is this Chelsea shirt doing chatting up this group of faux Scouse losers? Laughing? Enjoying the sunshine? Without trash talk and the ever-present electric risk of Glasgow kisses? Toto, we’re not in New York anymore.

Then, the match. Chelsea won going away. Rafa’s zonal marking left our Serb reserve fullback utterly unmarked for our equalizer AND our winner. Drogba then put in our third...the THIRD! (A third goal away in a Champions League tie is a heady thing, indeed) At Anfield. Hiddink ran out a 4-3-3 and ran at the Red back line. Liverpool were not up for it.

I wouldn’t have predicted it. Chelsea have been solid, but Liverpool have been the in-form side in Europe. My only hope was that Liverpool would return to Earth in this fixture. Oh, did they. They missed Mascherano massively. Essien utterly took Gerrard out of the match. Chelsea came forward in numbers. Ballack was majestic. Lampard, Kalou and, yes, Malouda were free in space and connecting.

Spring football can be a fickle mistress. Your club fights through the winter and find themselves, still, in 2 or 4 competitions. You’ve had your run and survived, sometimes even romped. But now, everything is running down to the quick. You come upon a bad run or injuries and - boom! - 7 or 10 days can take you out of everything. We’ve all been there. Hell, Arsenal has LIVED there these last five years.

Well, Liverpool woke up before this match right in the thick of the Champions League and in with a shout for the League. In 90 minutes, at home, they about crashed out of the CL and are left looking somehow farther up at United in the League. Devastating.

The best teams in Europe play 60 some-odd fixtures a year, and that’s beside their players’ international duty. Work, work, work, and then bad luck or bad form runs you out of everything in a sneeze. Brutal. Imagine the 2007 Patriots ruining three trophies with losses to three Giants. Ouch. Yet it happens every year in soccer.

MacDinton’s is a fantastic football pub. If you are in Tampa, look it up. Great crowd, velvety Guinness, and sunshine. Oh, and Chelsea won 3-1 at Anfield! Stevie G wandered by at the end looking for his pants! Carefree!!!!

Postscript: My favorite moment was meeting an Arsenal supporter wearing one of those “Kings of London” shirts. I got to say “That’s a really old shirt, isn’t it?” Get in.

Read more on "Autoglass speaks..."...

CL Open Thread

The previews are below and the football is up ahead. Just a quarter-hour until Champions League (Chaaaaaahhhhhmpions!!!) glory is unleashed on the planet. And then there's the Liverpool-Chelsea game, which also begins in 15 mins.

Details after the leap...


Chelsea v. Liverpool on ESPN2 and ESPN2HD

Barcelona v. Bayern Munich on Setanta and Setanta Broadband (NO re-broadcast on ESPN Classic. Stupid F%^7ckin' Masters.)

Lineups:

at Anfield:

Liverpool: Reina, Arbeloa, Aurelio, Carragher, Skrtel (in the Riise role?), Xabi Alonso, Lucas, Kuyt (aka the Dutch Wayne Rooney), Riera, The Talismanic Steven Gerrard, Torres.
Subs: Cavalieri, Dossena, Hyypia, Agger, Benayoun, Babel, Ngog.

Chelsea: Cech, Ivanovic, Cole, Terry, Alex, Essien, Lampard, Ballack, Kalou, Malouda (hahahaha), Drogba.
Subs: Hilario, Carvalho, Belletti, Mancienne, Mikel, Deco, Anelka.

at the Nou Camp:

Barcelona: Victor Valdes, Dani Alves, Puyol, Marquez, Pique, Toure, Xavi, Iniesta, Messi, Henry, Eto'o.
Subs: Pinto, Caceres, Gudjohnsen, Bojan, Keita, Sylvinho, Busquets.

Bayern Munich: Butt, Breno, Ze Roberto, Demichelis, Altintop, Van Bommel, Oddo, Lell, Schweinsteiger, Ribery, Toni.
Subs: Rensing, Podolski, Ottl, Sosa, Lahm, Borowski, Badstuber.

Fearless predictions: Altintop will score a goal. Barca will win, but not by enough to moot the second leg... There will be two goals scored in the Pool-Chelsea game, either one for each or both for Los Rojos.

Enjoy!


***Halftime Update***

for you Johnny and Jenny-come-latelies...

Barcelona 4, Bayern 0

Goals: Messi 9, 38; Eto'o 12, Henry 43
Yellow cards: Messi 17
Red cards: None


Liverpool 1, Chelsea 1

Goals: Torres 6; Ivanovic 39
Yellow cards: Kalou 31
Red cards: None

Read more on "CL Open Thread"...

UF POWER POLL-- MARCH 18, 2008

Get it? Courtesy of Bigus

The Power Poll returns this week with as much movement as we've seen since it all began, way back when in January of 2009. But before we get to it, you should know there's something of an internal debate in these parts about metrics used to rank the teams. Some in the resident cabal tend to argue that we're obliged to account for a body of work ("It's not a form poll!")... others are more inclined to look at just the past game or two. But even with the dissent-- handbags, nearly-- and up-and-down movement, this newest poll offers a pretty thorough consensus. Point averages are nearly aligned with rankings and just looking at the list, for me, it's hard to find much fault.

Do you not agree?

Also: a very special UF hurrah to the Facebook voters. Champions. Everrrryone of ya.

1) Barcelona - 1.2 (4th, 3.4)
Back to their old dickstomping ways. If there was any doubt from midweek, then little Bojan Krkic's double (in four minutes) on Sunday was proof enough. But can we be sure the Catalans are over their early-late season hump? Four first half goals in Champions League play against the 374-time French champs would indicate, "yes." That those goals came from Henry (2), Messi, and Eto'o is positively arousing... Currently six points clear of Madrid atop La Liga. Do two?

2) Manchester United - 1.9 (1st, 1.2)
We'll leave this to the professionals, that is, the respected professionals:

Liverpool revived their ambitions of claiming the Premier League title in remarkable fashion as they humiliated champions Manchester United at Old Trafford.

That was BBC's Phil McNulty-- Lingering, you may now retire to the bathroom with your catcher's mitt-- who goes on in his game account from Old Trafford to use the following words to describe Liverpool's decisive performance.

*misery(2x)
*nightmare
*torment
*lifeless
*unsettled
*toothless
*subdued
*stunned(2x)
*harrowing
*punishment

Point taken, man! Damn.

3) Liverpool - 3.4 (10th, 11.7)
Speak o' the devil. Los Rojos have been positively devastating without the weight of a title race to pin them down. Since being effectively removed from Premier League contention at Middlesbrough, Rafa's niñoshave cleared their collective windpipe and battered the life out of two of the greatest clubs in world sports. Brilliant all the way around... and I'm still trying to figure how precisely Torres sliced that first ball past van der Sar. Genius.

4) Chelsea - 5.2 (7th, 7.4)
Like it or not, Guus, you're staying in London. Unless you lose a game. So, uh, yea-- Chelsea have been very good. The return of a certain Michael Essien, who's apparently a goal-scoring machine now, shouldn't hurt, especially in the next round of CL matches. It's odd to say, but this weekend at WHL has to be a bit of a measuring stick. The Blues have been good, and beating Juventus is always a feather in your cap, but have they really faced down an in-form club and dominated? Nyet. Stomp Spurs on derby day and we'll be wholly convinced.

5) Inter Milan - 5.5 (3rd, 2.9)
Other have fallen further, but none so tragically. And none with such devastating effects for the UF psyche. I won't name names (Likely Lad!), but some of us had convinced ourselves-- and done their best to convince others-- that a win, or 0-0, at Old Trafford was possible. Of course, it was no competition. Inter looked old. Like a team that was going to win another Scudetto, then watch their manager skip town for... ahh... let's save that for the summer.

And how about that Zlatan Ibrahimovic??

6) Hertha Berlin - 7.0 (6th, 7.2)
The Bundesliga leaders are our consensus champions! I mean, champions of consensus! Aside from the top two, the only thing we are more convinced of here is that Hertha Berlin, Die Alte Dame!, is the sixth best team in the world, Europe, this power poll.

T-7) Bayern Munich - 8.8 (unranked)*
Don't care who it comes against, 12 goals in two Champions League second round ties is awesome. I venture to guess that had Klose not broken his ankle (out 8 weeks), the Germans might have climbed a bit higher. Still, an exciting, attacking team, that at their best remind you of the ol' mannschaft from back in '06. How about a showdown with Barca in the quarterfinal? That might be good for a goal or nine...

T-7) Arsenal - 8.8 (unranked)
Arse clowns are back in the pack thanks to a long undefeated run in the league-- which has them back fourth after Spurs win at Villa... uncomfortable situation for all involved-- and some penalty heroics in the land of the half-hearted stabbing. Yes, yes, the Arshavin goal was quality, and yes, yes, they've done this all with Denilson being their most used outfield player, so credit where it's due: Arsenal will finish fourth, lose in one of the next two rounds of the CL, and be paid back for their cheating in yesterday's FA Cup win with a Chelski-authored thrashing in the semifinals. (Note: Optimistic Lad reminds me that it's now a Big Four FA Cup semifinal round... so another Euro spot opens up... so... whatever)

T-9) AZ Alkmaar - 12.0 (9th, 8.1)*
We've been through it already with these Dutch bastards. They haven't lost since September 13, 2008... Bush & Cheney were still in the White House. There was a half of a half of chance that Sarah Palin was headed there, too. The Dow was at about 11,400. And so on.

That said, related/unrelated: you should really watch this video right now. I was reading (ok, re-reading, again) "Brilliant Orange" last night, so I decided to find video of "The Lost Final." That clip came up first, and though we know it's an unhappy ending, if you love football in the special way we all do, you might get emotional... (don't give up, go all ten minutes! Volume up! You'll understand what I'm on about by the fifth...)

T-9) AC Milan - 12.0 (unranked)
Yawn. They were gangbusters at Siena this weekend. For what that's worth. Quite an enjoyable game actually. Not competitive by any means, but Pippo Inzaghi did notch his 299th and 300th goals, and the Brazilian Pato is a delight. Throw in Beckham's neck tat and you've got... Unprofessional Foul's 10th best team for the week!

*Bayern Munich and AZ Alkmar scooch ahead on high score, that is, their highest ranks, respectively, beat those of the club with whom they'd tied. I swear, it makes sense.

Dropped - Real Madrid, Juventus

In the mix - FC Porto, Besiktas

Not in the mix, but in really fine form - Spurs (no votes)

Read more on "UF POWER POLL-- MARCH 18, 2008"...

Happy Birthday Chelsea

Breast wishes to Chelsea FC on its 104th birthday. Even this can't ruin today's massive victory by Liverpool.

Read more on "Happy Birthday Chelsea"...

Pink Floyd and Barack Obama Join Forces to Thwart Chelsea

Roman Abramovich.... Ha, ha! Charade you are.

Anyway, that's the Battersea Power Plant, famous mostly for being on the cover of Pink Floyd's Animals. The plant, and not so much the band, is relevant as there's land near there which might be the center of a tussle between CFC and the US of A.

The president of the United States doesn't care what happens to you. If "you" in this case happen to be the owner of Chelsea FC. So just zig zag away, bitch.

From the Daily Mail:

US President Barack Obama might have the final say on the location of a new Chelsea stadium. If the club decide to move from Stamford bridge, a site in Nine Elms near Battersea Power Station has been identified as an option.

But the US Embassy in London are further advanced in their plans to relocate there from Grosvenor Square, which will depend—because of the cost—on Obama. And if he gives the embassy move the green light, Chelsea will have to look elsewhere.

We'd love to tell you more, but that's the extent of the Daily Mail's reporting. It wasn't even dated, just one of those disembodied "related" blurbs sitting on the bottom of a page. So we might be exceeding the limitations of excerpting for fair use, but we're not sure how to quote any less, short of maybe removing the articles and just say we're paraphrasing.

Oh Roman, don't you know that you've got to strike when the moment is right without thinking. On the bright side, at the rate your wealth is evaporating, you mightn't have to worry about a new stadium for quite some time.

Read more on "Pink Floyd and Barack Obama Join Forces to Thwart Chelsea"...

Stunning Strikes, Poor Ad Placements, and the FA Cup Draw

Something tells me that people who want to read about Arsenal's FA Cup win, probably don't want to buy an Aston Villa kit any time soon.

Just a hunch but I bet that ad on that particular page nets zero sales. In fact, if there's such a thing as negative sales, that'd be a good candidate to achieve that benchmark.

Anyway, Arsenal and Everton both won today. And for their efforts, the Toffees get to go to Wembley, while the Gunners go home. Life is so unfair.

Actually, Arsenal still have their quarterfinal against Hull to play. The Tigers have been woeful as of late, collecting only 3 points so far this calendar year. But, seeing how Hull City won at the Emirates back towards the start of the season, the Gunners can't take them lightly.

Who are we kidding? That's the hallmark of this Arsenal team: 1 point from Tottenham, 1 point from Fulham, 2 points from Sunderland, and zero points from Stoke (although there are three points still waiting in the rematch). If this Arsenal team is good at anything, it's taking lesser sides lightly and giving up points they should bag. Ergo: fifth place.

But while there's one quarterfinal still to be played, the FA Cup semi-final draw is set. United get the easier of the draws (shocker!) as they pick up Everton. Chelsea get the winner of Hull CIty and Arsenal.

Anyway, rather than squint to read about Eduardo's backheel strike, just watch it here. And really this is where low frame rates and shitty Flash compression go a long way toward ruining a thing of beauty, but this was pretty sweet.



Oh, and yes, we know we stumbled toward the finish line this week. Shit we didn't even get an open thread up this morning. We'll make it up to you this week. Promise.

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