We apologize for the lack of content today. I have a feeling it's down to anticipation of what's to come and lamentation of what was lost over the last couple of days. In hopes of atonement, I give you this.
This may or may not be Autoglass as a child.
Of course it's not, but he is the resident UFer who has a crying interest in the outcome of this two-legged tie. In the spirit of how we all cared about Norwich yesterday, I ask that you support him and carry Spartak to the CL Final. So we can all laugh at Michael Ballack when he finishes runner-up again.
UPDATE: One more thing... the US put their clocks forward ages before everyone else (I assume this was GWB's idea in order to fight terrorism with an extra hour of daylight or something), so we're in a holding pattern until 3.45. Even so... come insult me and your peers in the comments!
There's a reason we don't get paid to put out predictions, as evidenced by our performance two weeks ago when all these teams met the first time. We were bang on about there being a few close encounters, but alas, in the case of Sporting Lisbon, several UF pundits smelled an upset that simply wasn't there.
I mean, they could score 5 goals in Germany, right?
Thank the gods that the other three fixtures still have a frisson soupcon of intrigue to them. LIVERPOOL v. REAL MADRID Alright, so it may not have been pretty, but that's European football for you. Put all the continent's best teams together, and they're gonna give you a lesson in defense-first.
Rafa Benitez is no different, but shit, his system works. Despite being woeful in the league, he's managed Liverpool to a CL trophy in 2005, a runner-up medal in 2007, and a semi-final in 2008. What for 2009 is anyone's guess, but at home, with a lead and an away goal to protect, can there be any outcome that doesn't involve Liverpool's name in the hat for the next round?
Real may have attacking threats in Higuain, Guti and Robben, but they were collectively dire in the first leg (except for the meandering, aimless left-to-right dribbling power of the Dutch winger) and don't seem to enjoy facing actual defending, something La Liga isn't exactly known for.
Mark it down. LFC snooze into the quarter-finals with another cagey 1-0 win.
JUVENTUS v. CHELSHEA FSHEE This is Juve's last chance at Champions League glory for a while, namely because their talisman Pavel Nedved is hanging up the boots at season's end, and there's really no-one to fill the void. Add to that an injury list including their best player this season, ex-Liverpool scapegoat-come-good Momo Sissoko, and it looks grim.
Under Hiddink, the Blues have magically unearthed some nice form, which is a euphemism for "the manager they didn't like has gone, so they're finally playing like they always could have, if they'd wanted to."
Playing away from home isn't always kind to Chelsea (see: 3-1 drubbing at AS Roma in the group stage), but there's honestly little in that Juventus lineup to trouble them. Honestly, who's going to do the scoring? The 77-year-old Del Piero? David "I fucked the coach's wife and now I can't get a game for France" Trezeguet? Vicenzo Iaquinta? Despite the fact that John Terry appears to be aging rapidly and defending like a pregnant teen, mark it down for a 1-1 draw.
BAYERN MUNICH v. SPORTING Without embarrassing the lads further (u75 and Precious Roy), I think we can add the creaky, unfashionable Bundesliga side to the quarter-finals, right? Maybe they'll rest a few guys and give up a goal or two, but nothing that should trouble the aggregate score.
2-1 win for the Portuguese.
PANATHANAIKOS v. VILLAREAL Not wishing to toot my own horn (except for that spot-on score prediction from the first leg), I still think the Greeks will bang this one out at home. It's an unforgiving place, football-wise, and you can bet their tails are up from the good result away from home. Plus, they're in good form at the moment (draw at Olympiakos, 3-0 win this past weekend), and with former Gooner Gilberto Silva patrolling the midfield, I fancy them to win, albeit with little flair.
2.58pm: Instead of just harassing people, I figured I'd add the lineups as they trickle in. It'll only help cement my prediction skills.
LIVERPOOL v. REAL MADRID: Liverpool: Reina, Arbeloa, Skrtel, Carragher, Aurelio, Alonso, Mascherano, Kuyt, Gerrard, Babel, Torres. Subs: Cavalieri, Dossena, Hyypia, Lucas, Ngog, Spearing, Kelly.
Real Madrid: Casillas, Sergio Ramos, Cannavaro, Pepe, Heinze, Robben, Lassana Diarra, Gago, Sneijder, Raul, Higuain. Subs: Dudek, Saviola, Marcelo, Guti, Metzelder, Miguel Torres, Van der Vaart.
Notes - Gerrard and Torres both pass fitness tests to get in the starting XI, and the only intrigue in that subs bench is whether oft-named Jay Spearing or Martin Kelly will ever get a minute of playing time.
Standard stuff from Real, and look to Juande Ramos to bring on every striker midway through the second half to prove once and for all that he's not got many good ideas.
Only three games today, and none worth that much coverage (sorry, Spartak fans). That game's a bit dire so far, with Spartak holding a 1-0 lead at half-time. Where is this Coventry team we saw play with gusto and style at Carrow Road last weekend? Oh, that's right, their best player, the left-back Dan Fox, isn't playing.
Meanwhile, Essien's on the bench, meaning he's about a week away from being that bulldog in defensive midfield again, much to the chagrin of any team still left to travel to Stamford Bridge.
We might well liveblog some La Liga later on in the form of the Madrid Derby, but for now, this is it. Gripe about Spurs, or offer your prayers for a home win at Craven Cottage.
Whatever you do, come cupset with us after the jump. FA Cup Fixtures: Coventry 0, Spartak London 1 (half-time) Fulham v. Manchester United (12.30pm kick-off)
EPL's Sole Release: Sunderland v. Tottenham (10am kick-off)
Spartak left-back Ashley Cole was arrested last night for being drunk and disorderly after a charity event in South Kensington. No comment yet from the club, and young Cashley was too busy napping off the champagne headache to give a quote. Selfish bastard.
Allow me to set the mood for Precious Roy, who shall be doing us all a solid by covering the afternoon's "big" fixture on ESPN2, the one that inexplicably involves Spartak London.
As Autoglass intoned earlier, they're up against the good manager they had before Mourinho, so respect and adulation will be in full effect (until Juve score an away goal, that is).
Will an English side come off good against Serie A yet again?
Oh, and in that other fixture, the failed ex-Spurs manager welcomes the failing Liverpool manager (soon to be ex? Surely not) to the Bernabeu for what promises to be a gripping, thrilling 0-0 draw.
It's the Champions League, take 2. After yesterday, we'll take all the goals we can get.
Fixtures, lineups and Precious Roy's commentary (from kick-off through to the bitter end) after the jump. LINEUPS FOR THOSE GAMES WE'RE INTERESTED IN
Real Madrid v. Liverpool Real Madrid: Casillas, Sergio Ramos, Pepe, Cannavaro, Heinze, Robben, Gago, Lassana Diarra, Marcelo, Higuain, Raul. Subs: Dudek, Saviola, Sneijder, Guti, Metzelder, Miguel Torres, Van der Vaart.
Liverpool: Reina, Arbeloa, Skrtel, Carragher, Aurelio, Benayoun, Alonso, Mascherano, Riera, Torres, Kuyt. Subs: Cavalieri, Dossena, Hyypia, Gerrard, Babel, Lucas, Ngog. --- Spartak London v. Juventus Spartak (in a 4-1-2-3): Cech, Bosingwa, Terry, Alex, Ashley Cole, Kalou, Ballack, Lampard, Mikel, Drogba, Anelka. Subs: Hilario, Ivanovic, Mancienne, Ferreira, Malouda, Di Santo, Stoch.
Juventus (in a catenaccio-inducing 4-4-2): Buffon, Chiellini, Mellberg, Legrottaglie, Molinaro, Nedved, Camoranesi, Sissoko, Tiago, Del Piero, Amauri. Subs: Manninger, Grygera, Marchionni, Poulsen, Marchisio, Iaquinta, Trezeguet.
And we're live... Okay, someone at ESPN got my note about the weenie techno music. It's gone. Instead our montage features someone who just discovered Trapcode's 'Shine' plug-in. Everything in moderation there, boys.
Oh, and can I add another ESPN-specific comment? Hey guys, go fuck yourselves. All Chelski, all United. It's what we can expect when the 4-letter gets the Prem rights. Not that this is a bad match, but I think the Liverpool v. Real match-up holds a little more intrigue for the impartial fan.
Oh fuck, the crawl is running something called a "Tiger Alert." Big fucking deal. It's golf. The ball isn't moving. Nobody is trying to prevent him from hitting it. If they break the full screen picture at any point to tell me about fucking Tiger Woods I am going to drive to Bristol and vandalize their bike rack.
Secret: I want Del Piero to get a brace. I love that guy. Donadoni lost his job because he didn't love that guy.
The Portabook is the new Sham Wow! Discuss.
NY Kid: You're French, I'm Italian. I think they fully explains our positions on the matter.
Our ref is a Portuguese insurance broker.
Jesus, Juve is as old as Chelsea, aren't they?
Kick
And we're off...
1st minute: Think the ball has hit the ground 3 times in the first 30 seconds.
2nd minute: The mids are jamming each other. Neither team has seen the other's attacking third.
3rd minute: Chelski finally get a deep throw in, but Bosingwa puts too much weight on it and Juve shields it out for a goal kick.
4th minute: Amauri with a nice turn to get some space, but Terry cuts him off and Chelsea come back the other way. Kalou with a shot that is handled by Buffon.
5th minute: Shit... I'm going to have to type Cameronesi a bunch today aren't I? I always fuck it up. I'm sure it's wrong there. He committed a foul anyway.
6th minute: How many times are they going to mention Terry's miss from last season? Juve moving deliberately.
7th minute: Chelsea waste a chance. Chiellini makes a mistake but the deep cross is cleared out, only to be picked up by Ballack who sends it high and wide and nowhere near a threat.
8th minute: Oooh... Bosingwa from the end line with a cross that finds Drogba on the head. Could have easily scored but it goes high and Juve dodge a bit of a buller. First real threat of the match.
10th minute: First bench shot of Guus. Spartak with the balance of possession here. But they are backing up.
11th minute: Long ball in by Terry and on contact Drogba goes down. No penalty. That could have gone either way. There was contact, but Drogba went down too easily.
12th minute: Free kick, Chelski. Lamps kicks it to the... Goal! 1-0 Chelsea.
Okay, the free kick went to the feet of Cameronesi, but Juve didn't clear. Kalou collected it from about 35 out and made a nice feed to Drogba slipping through the defense. Juve held up like he was offsides but nope. He slipped it past Buffon and we're 1-0.
14th minute: Sorry, right on the goal, blogger wants to be slow to load the updated page.
15th minute: Could be 2-0. Okay, Anelka gets in on the left. Mellberg blocks the low shot out ofr a corner. On the corner Drogba gets free and unmarked gets a good header on it that just goes wide of the post left. He could have just as easily buried that. Juve getting toyed with.
17th minute: Juve look like Inter did yesterday in the first have. At least they have the excuse of being on the road.
19th minute: Juve just look lost in the midfield. And their backline is going to get caught pushing high before too long. Showing the replay on the Drogba goal. It was close, but the ref let it go. Sissoko on the other end takes a shot but it never is near on goal sliding low and right and away from danger.
20th minute: Frank makes a shoe change on the fly.
21st minute: Juve almost string together 4 passes. Almost.
22nd minute: Cole with a ball to Ballack but they are on the wrong page and the ball rolls to Buffon. Tommy Smyth just asked "Where's Del Piero?" Oh, and Tiago with a pass to Del Piero almost on cue. It's a good shot that goes just wide of the far post low.
23rd minute: And Juve blows the chance to level on the resulting corner. The ball clears the mass of humanity in the box and falls to Chiellini on the groud at the back post. But he's off balance and can't get a foot it. No soup for him.
24th minute: Juve have shown up finally. Shot (can't see who) sent a rocket that was deflected out for a Juve corner. Terrible corner goes long to Nedved who should have been carded for an intentional hand ball. But no...
26th minute: Some nice work from Drogba in a 1-on-2. He holds it up waiting for Lampard, but Mellberg gets a nice header on it to clear the threat. Good stuff from both teams now as Juve go forward and Chelsea counter.
27th minute: Cech punches out a Juve corner. Ball comes back it. Kalou chases it to midfield but Juve kepp it. And Cole fouls Cameronesi. Juve in the game now.
28th minute: Nice turn by Del Piero to get space. But his shot is maybe one of the 12 worst ever taken in football. Don't think he even hit the corner flag on the far side.
30th minute: Every time Chelsea get a dead ball, Blogger doesn't want to respond to my mouse clicks. Anyway, Spartak wasted a free kick from about 35. It went into the wall.
My clock disappeared so I don't know what minute it is. Nice work ESPN.
32nd minute: Chiellini doing his best to keep the ball in his own end. Spartak with a corner of a deflected shot. Juve's marking and clearance off of corners is really, really bad. Tottenham-esque.
33rd minute: And off another corner there is danger for Juve. But Terry's header is weak and goes right to Buffon. Just an aside... Roman should get wages back from Drogba for the last 6 months of the season because the guy out there today proves that the guy out there before today wasn't giving shit for an effort.
35th minute: Nice touch by Amauri to feed Nedved and Nedved goes down on almost no contact to waste the threat. Ballack gives it back... but Cole steals it and there should have been a foul as he hacked Sissoko. Instead Chelski play it around the Juve box. A couple of nice passes until Juve can get it to play it out. Sissoko still down.
38th minute: Sissoko up and we play on...
39th minute: Chelski holding possession. Some really nice touch passing almost gives a streaking Drogba a shot. Instead the danger is turned away. Cole should get a yellow for hacking Del Piero but he doesn't. Cunt. Cole that is.
41st minute: Chelsea owning possession. Kalou takes the ball on the right and drives deep. He gets a low cross off but it's too deep and collected by Buffon.
42nd minute: Nedved with a weak shot after a bad clearance by Bosingwa. It rolls to Cech and we play on...
43rd minute: Bosingwa trips Nedved. That might have been a card. And now we've got a late but accurate whistle for a hand ball on Drogba. Juve with a free kick from about 22 out.
45th minute: Del Piero kicks it right into the two man wall. Derrick Rae jinxed him by calling Del Piero a 'free kick master' right when he took it. Dick.
1 minute of stoppage time.
+1 minute: Nedved wins a corner and takes it quickly. Cech comes out to make the save. And it's a decent one as there were unmarked Juve players waiting for it.
Half.
And it's another montage with too much of the Shine plug-in. Good to give your video 101 interns a run out. It's the Champions League, how about putting 1/100th the resources to it that you do to trailing A-Rod or Brady?
Unbelievably Juve actually have more possesion. Really?
The more I hear Tommy Smyth, the less I care for him. He was conviced that the goal was the work of Ballack. All he did was gather the deflection and feed it to the top of the box. It wasn't even a good pass. Kalou did all the work to make space and feed Drogba. I don't even have a European accent and I could see that.
Second Half
Kick
46th minute: Good start from Chelsea. Juve can't clear and from 30 out front Ballack fires one that goes wide right.
47th minute: Quickly back the other way and Del Piero's low shot is blocked out by Alex for a Juve corner. Cleared but not out. It comes back in and a header is sent out for another Juve corner.
48th minute: Cameronesi's corner is low and short and toe punched back toward midfield. Sissoko wins a footrace and Juve tunr it back upfield.
49th minute: Nedved with space outside the box takes a long shot with little on it that was never going to bother Cech. That was a bit of a waste. Pavel, don't be a hero.
50th minute: A great cross from Bosingwa finds a streaking Drogba who turns it toward goal with great power but it's wide right. Nice work between the two. Both the feed and the work by Drogba. Cameronesi is grabbing his hammy. Uh oh... Got a change coming for Juve if they can get someone up and ready.
52nd minute: Molinaro gets a yellow. Totally earned. Late and high and studs up he stepped on Mikel. Marchionni on for Cameronesi.
54th minute: Drop ball. Not sure why. Thought Alex fouled someone. Huh...
55th minute: Drogba in the box. Cheillini with the challenge. He barely gets near him and Down Goes Didier, Down Goes Didier... No call. And no call was the right call. Drogba pitches a fit.
56th minute: Juve a bit sloppy. But Chelsea can't take advantage. Cole takes down Del Piero. No call.
57th minute: Chelsea corner: Lampard. Juve can't clear it. After some slop it finds Lampard who kicks it to Buffon. Ballack cleats Nedved in the knee as things were headed the other way and he gets a yellow for that foul.
59th minute: Terry with a push. Nice job. Free kick to Juve from 45.
60th minute: And Cech makes a mess of it almost to the point of getting a penalty as he took out Amauri(I think). That was really bad by Cech. Tiago looks hurt no, so he's coming off after a collision with one of his own players. Despite looking less crisp, Juve not without chances.
62nd minute: Marchionni with a blast that goes past the far post by just a couple of feet. More pressure from Juve.
64th minute: Juve with more possession. But not pressing much with it. Long ball goes to Cech harmlessly and he collects it.
65th minute: For someone on a yellow, Ballack, that's a fucking stupid foul. You got zero ball and all ankle.
66th minute: All kinds of space for the kids in blue, but Kalou is offside.
67th minute: Chelsea is starting to look a step slower, but Juve doing nothing to take advantage. Kalou offsides again. Flag was slow to go up.
68th minute: Amauri's header falls to Nedved who takes another shitty shot. Marchionni gets it back in to the box twice. The second feed goes toward the top of the box but Del Piero can't get to it to keep the pressure on for Juve.
70th minute: Kalou with a cross into the box. Drogba was free but the ball went right to Buffon.
72nd minute: Sorry, after a crowd shot of Bob Geldof's doppelganger I made a joke that blogger didn't like so it fed me a few errors. We missed a Juve corner and Amauri just made a run in deep on the right. Alex cleared it for a corner.
Oh and Malouda came on for Kalou.
74th minute: Bosingwa with a low cross in punhced away. Mikel gets in on Amauri and it's a free kick to Juve.
75th minute: That last bit probably didn't make sense. Mikel fouled Amauri... Chelsea on a break. Anelka chips it from the center to Malouda. It goes off him and past the end line. Goal kick taken by Buffon.
77th minute: Ballack with a second bit of play that was kind of rought for someone on a yellow. Didn't even draw a look from the ref though. Alex fouls Amauri and the ball goes of Ballack who appears to be giving a bear hug to someone. Really, let me say this a 3rd time because he's not playing like someone on a yellow.
78th minute: Sissoko splits two Chelsea defenders, gets taken down and earns a free kick. Del Piero has been shite on the free kicks. Flag was up anyway.
80th minute: Cole with a great ball to Lampard. He picks out Anelka on the right who crosses it in. Bad job by Le Sulk. Drogba was open but the ball missed him by plenty.
Mancienne in for Chelsea. Ballack off. Good move by Guss. Ballack is tired and he's playing reckless on a yellow.
82nd minute: Yellow for Sissoki. Deserved. He chopped someone... could tell because I was checking out the comments where I got shredded for picking Sporting against Munich. Drogba again takes a dive. Chiellini got him shoulder to shoulder. Was probably a bit of a risk, but that wasn't a PK's worth.
84th minute: So, 180 minutes of liveblogging and I'm going to get 1 fucking goal for my efforts. Thanks Champions League. What the fuck...
Also, is someone else cleaning up behind me and editing? I keep getting duplicate edit errors.
86th minute: Trezeguet on. Sissoko off.
87th minute: Oooh... Anelka from way out almost beats Buffon to the far post. THat was a rocket from about 25-plus. Really, nice by Le Sulk. Then on the other side Trezeguet can't get a good foot on it from the edge of the box. Both teams with chances. Still 1-0.
88th minute: I'm going with Nedved and Amauri as the biggest disappoitments of the match. Nedved's work rate has been good, but his touches have been disastrous. Juve chasing the game. Drogba with a ball from Lamps and he gets in the box and he doesn't go down. That's a mild surprise.
90th minute: Marchisio with an easy yellow on an intentional hand ball to stop a Chelsea break as Juve are pushing people forward.
Three minutes of stoppage time.
90 +2: Chelsea playing possession. Nice work by Amauri to keep the ball for Juve. They earn a free kick.
Juve get two good balls in the air but can't get a head on the end of eithe one. Nervy moments for Chelsea, then they break and have the advantage... It's snuffed out. Second left.
Oh, and Nedved with a deflected ball that JUST misses the right post. Then the ref fucking blows the call and gives a goal kick to Chelski. How did they not see the deflection of Alex. Juve robbed of at least a corner. Almost disaster as it was as Nedved's shot went just wide.
And judging by this picture, Deco, the ex-husband in question, is a very lucky man. From the Daily Mail, a newspaper whose plan for surviving the economic crash appears to be printing nothing but pictures of hot women in bikinis:
Deco admitted he was shocked by Scolari's sacking last week and explained that he rejected other offers to hook up with his former national team boss in west London. But he may be ready to at least return to Dias's arms following a lengthy split dating back to last March.
She said: 'Playboy offered me a lot of money for me to pose naked. I would say that it was a millionaire proposal. It was a good opportunity, but I didn't accept because I do not want to spoil the good contact that I have with Deco at the moment. I have the opportunity to grow in other ways, to show my value as a model and actress.'
That's lovely! Love is not dead after all!
Deco does have a new girlfriend, or at least did when he signed for Spartak London in the summer, but Dias doesn't care. She still loves the pint-sized midfielder:
"I do not know if they are still together," said Dias. "What I can guarantee is that we have a very good relationship, that all those sorrows and the trauma of separation are left behind. At the beginning everything was very difficult and painful but now... thank God."
Here's hoping it all works out. A new manager at Stamford Bridge who should turn things around, and the chance of love again with his former wife! What more could he ask for?
UF feels like we should offer some advice to Deco, because getting back with exes isn't all fun and games. It helps when they're gorgeous, of course, but the crazy will still be there just under the surface, ready to flare up at any given moment.
So take it under advisement. In the words of UF's resident love guru MoonshineMike, "it's not all peaches and cream, BUT she is so uber hot so that helps ease the crazy."
Spartak midfielder Frank Lampard might well be looking at a summer of coupon-cutting, with the news this morning that his fiancee, Elen Rives (the bread of this lady-text-lady sandwich), is breaking up with him.
They never married, but she'll probably leave with half his fortune. This stuff is never pretty, especially as they have two children caught in the middle, but I'm sure they'll sort something out, for their sake if nothing else.
The problems appear to revolve around some cheating on Lamps' part, although as part of the financial deal, she'll likely be signing confidentiality papers, meaning we'll never hear all the sordid details of his infidelities (clearly not a thought that ever occurred to Danielle Lloyd), which is probably a good thing.
And so, the speculation begins. What went wrong?
Friends of Lampard have put the split down to the trauma brought on by the death of his mother Pat in April.
But the seeds of the break-up appear to have been sown when Miss Rives, 30, twice endured allegations of his infidelity. Friends of the model said she has never forgiven him for his alleged fling with an eastern European brunette during a boys-only jaunt to Las Vegas two years ago. Lampard, 30, was pictured with the woman by a tabloid newspaper and is said to have spent four hours with her in a villa.
'Elen felt humiliated by the whole episode,' said a friend. 'Frank has also never given her an adequate explanation for what he was doing, so it has simply festered. 'He has also not followed through on his promise to make her his wife - but it is the Las Vegas trip which has done all the real damage.'
Lampard had been accused of playing away before. In 2006 a woman claimed she had sex with him at a hotel in Barcelona - Miss Rives's home city.
The footballer, meanwhile, is said to have been enraged to discover in a Sunday newspaper that his fiancée had been married before. A friend of Lampard said: 'There was Elen going on to Frank about the importance of being honest with one another when she had been married and never told him.'
... but it is a good place for a manager. After all, you get to marshal a decent-enough squad for seven or eight months before turning up at Roman's office for your giant severance package.
In fact, it's this wonderful business practice that's contributed significantly to the money mess at Stamford Bridge, with the news this morning that the Blues revealed a 65.7m pound loss ($95m) for the financial year ending in June 2008.
How many Andrei Shevchenkos would that buy? Sadly, considering they announced losses of 140m back in 2004, it just shows that they're slowly getting better. But still, this is difficult terrain for a club and owner who were so used to being able to outbid anyone on a player at any time.
From the Beeb:
The BBC has learned that Mr Abramovich's investment in the club has reached £710m. He has now changed part of that investment from an interest-free loan into shares in the club, as a sign of continuing commitment to Chelsea.
The move will also help defuse European criticism that Chelsea is a heavily indebted business, says BBC business correspondent Nils Blythe. In another attempt to scale back its debt, the club is aiming to pay for any purchases this summer by selling players.
The club has also reiterated its intention "to require zero cash funding from the owner [Roman Abramovich] at the beginning of the financial year 2009/2010". Chelsea chief executive Peter Kenyon added: "There is no doubt that the positive upward trends of turnover and the continued reduction in losses shows that Chelsea is building a strong business base to build on in what will be challenging times. This is even more evident given that the results were adversely affected by the exceptional items."
He also said that any squad restructuring in the summer would be funded predominantly by sales, and that over the past five years the club had "consistently reduced our net transfer spend".
The BBC's business editor Robert Peston said Mr Abramovich and the club's executives were "doing what they can to transform Chelsea from a trophy asset that only a multi-billionaire could own into a something that might be describable as a business".
Still, we can point and laugh, right? Bringing in players on loan seems a long way away from the 25m and 30m price tags of Veron and Shevchenko.
23m pounds spent on severance for Mourinho, Grant and five other coaches lost in the year, and Scolari's losses are yet to hit the books, although it's in the range of 7.5m pounds. Hiddink is collecting 100,000 pounds a week until the end of the season, and that wage bill needs to come down somehow.
Will they able to remain a competitive Top 4 team while also trying to become a respectable business. If Roman has 10 quid left, he might wish to bet on "no".
News is trickling in now with some words on the CFC website. They paid him about 6.25 million pounds a year to get them back to the top, and he's gone after 7 months in charge, proving that absolutely no-one's job is safe in the world's most pressurized, demanding domestic league.
In a statement, Spartak gave the usual bullshit:
"The Chelsea board would like to place on record our gratitude for his time as manager. Felipe has brought many positives to the club since he joined and we all feel a sense of sadness that our relationship has ended so soon. Unfortunately the results and performances of the team appeared to be deteriorating at a key time in the season."
And the man now in charge, Ray Wilkins, will presumably get the ship righted. Meanwhile, Mourinho is in Italy, laughing over an afternoon aperitif, and Avram Grant realizes he could now be stuck in a bidding war.
It also begs the question: just who on earth is out there that could possibly be the high-level replacement they're obviously looking for? Alan Curbishley? Keegan?
To recap: Tony Adams and Luis Felipe Scolari fired within 24 hours. Avram can't replace them both at the same time, can he?
Fat Frank's red card has been stricken from the record, and rightly so. He'll be free to play on Saturday, unlike England's Blowhard John Terry, who picked up a yellow for yelling at Riley and now has enough to miss a game or two.
Spartak London "striker" Salomon Kalou scored twice at the weekend, seemingly defying the laws of nature in doing so (he's not that good, you see).
And yet, the most reported-on aspect of his feat was the celebration for Goal #1, an arms-crossed salute (with fellow Ivorian Didier Drogba in close attendance) that looked, to some, an awful lot like something political. The FA doesn't take kindly to those making statements on the pitch, whether with hand gestures or scribble on an undershirt, but fear not: Kalou has a response!
Was it a sign of solidarity to jailed Ivory Coast activist Antoine Assale Tiemoko? Of course not -- it was a tribute to the WWE! Said Salomon:
"I don't even know this guy [Tiemoko]. That has nothing to do with football. Why should I celebrate for him? It was crossed arms, not wrists, [the celebration was] about my strength."
It appears that John Cena pulls a similar move right before finishing his opponents, and Kalou, the massive wrestling fan that he is, decided to use his goal-scoring to show it off.
Will the FA buy it? Probably, as they'll buy anything. As much as they love doling out punitive punishments for ill words spoken against referees, surely they'll let Salomon off the hook.
So, to summarize: not politics, but pro wrestling. Word has it that other Spartak players are catching on. For example, the next time Drogba scores, he'll DDT Florent Malouda.
Ok folks it's a Bigus live blog extravaganza. Those of you interested in Wigan v. Liverpool can click on over to the other post where MORE live-bloggery is in action courtesy of Lingering Bursitis.
I had a choice of this game or Everton v. The Arse, but after Liverpool v. Everton on Sunday I have vowed never to watch the depressing Toffees again. Well not this season anyway, so that leaves Spartak London at home to the smoggies. Come join me for all the exciting action from the bridge.
Excitement is building, will Big Phil start that lazy cheat Drogba? Will Downing look like he gives a shit. Will Chelsea stand statuesque for set pieces? Will Alves miss an open goal? I can't wait! I'll do my best to keep up but be warned I am watching my sick little girl also. Let's hope nap time holds eh?
Carvalho is out with a ropey hammy, but Terry is back and willing to shank any penalty Chelsea may win. Sorry Chelsea fans, that's getting a little tired now isn't it?
Match Fact: Chelsea are hoping to beat Middlesbrough for the fifth consecutive time in the Premier League. They have won the last four with an aggregate score of 11-0.
Chelsea haven't kept a clean sheet in 6 and Boro' have lost last 4 on the road.
Chelsea stick with the one man up front routine with 14 goal leading scorer and king of the sulky babies Anelka. Terry and Alex form the CB partnership and Malouda gets a run out amid speculation of a bid from Juventus. Is he in the shop window tonight?
12 million pound man Alves is on the bench for Boro and Deco rides the wood too.
This is a must win game for Chelsea. A slip here and they can kiss any hope of the title goodbye for sure. The teams are in the tunnel. Lee Probert is the ref tonight..Gawd help us!
Boro look as if they are lining up to match Chelsea's five man midfield. Marlon King will lead the line for them after just signing on loan from Wigan.
.....and we are off!
3 mins: Chelsea are setting their stall out. Playing pretty deep and looking for access to the Boro box. Big Phil is looking relaxed tonight, legs crossed on the bench, maybe someone should get him an otterman. Boro haven't been in the Chelsea half thus far and are sat behind the ball. I fear they may resort to lining up along the goal.
7 mins: Lampard's free kick hits one of the many Boro bodies in the box but Boro fail to clear immediately as Chelsea bring the ball back for another go before the ball is hoofed clear. Marlon King is looking rather lonely up front on his own. Kalou runs into the box squeezing between Boro players but the ball slips away from him for a goal kick. One way traffic is an understatement.
12 mins: The Chelsea pressure is mounting. Boro's only outlet is King and he has touched the ball once in the first 12 mins. Bosingwa sends a long cross to the far post and Ashley Cole arrives for a free header but 120,000 a week buys you the side netting. Boro breathe a sigh of relief.
15 mins: Ballack's free kick is saved low by Turnbull. Boro have committed 5 fouls so far and in dangerous areas. Not a good idea! U75, I chose this one as watching Everton brings suicidal feelings.
22 mins: More Chelsea dominance. Back to back corners fail to yield a goal although the second one bounced through the box begging to be smacked in. Matter of time before Chelsea score here. Downing must love having to stay at Boro, he has spent the game so far defending. Boro win their first free kick and launch a ball into the box which results in a throw in and the return of the ball to Chelsea.
25 mins: This game is as balanced as Russian election. I expected Chelsea to have a lot of possession but this is ridiculous. Boro have just parked the bus. When they do have the ball they pass sideways before deciding to pass backwards! King just pulled a rubicks cube from his left sock. Oh hold on..action. A corner to Boro! Will Chelsea go all zonal?
No. Ball cleared at the near post, a cross returns but Cech claims it.
27 mins: Come on Exeter! Yawnnnn.
30 mins: John Terry is so bored that he tries a run himself, getting to mid way in the Boro half before being dispossessed. King has finished his puzzle and is trying to coax Alex into a wrestling match on the side line. What is amazing is that for all Chelsea's dominance, Turnbull has only made 3 or for saves. And only one of those was a real chance for Chelsea.
33 mins: Lampard sends a free kick over the bar. Scolari just nodded off.
38 mins: Look, I know I'm not that good at this live blogging malarky and my spelling is dodgy, but quite frankly 17 comments on the other thread is just rude. Come on people. I am here for you! Boro are getting brave and starting to commit the odd body forward. There was actually 3 Boro players in the Chelsea half for a moment there.
King is fouled 30 yards out and he falls like he was shot from behind. Downing sends the resulting free kick into the wall.
40 mins: I am praying for half time at this point. I have some high hopes for the commercial break. I may get a Sham WOW commercial if I'm lucky. That will be exciting.
Half Time: Chelsea 0, Middlesbrough 0 Chelsea have probably shared 300 passes this half and only created one decent chance. Boro have come for a point and Southgate looked pretty happy as he hit the tunnel. Chelsea's fans were getting a little tetchy towards the end of the half and boooooooooed their team off. For all this possession Chelsea were crap. No bite, not finish.
Boro will look to see this one out in their own half I am sure. A point at Chelsea is in sight. Adam Johnson did have a chance for Boro at the end of the half as he tried the Ronaldo step over in the box a couple of times before sending a weak shot in the direction of Cech.
To summarize....This one is a snoozer. I'd actually like to take a nap but 2 people are actually reading this. Don't want to disappoint.
Back for the second half in a few, don't go away, either of you! I need to splash some water on my face and brew some coffee brb.
46 mins: Alright. We are off again. SUBSTITUTION: Moulada is off and Drogba is on. Get ready for some second half diving action!
To answer Andrew's question....TEN.
47 mins: Chelsea have changed shape to a 4 3 3 and immediately Drogba gets a through ball at his feet into the box but he shanks that across the goal about 5 meters from the keeper. There seems a little urgency to Chelsea's play now. They are looking more direct and trying to come through the middle.
50 mins: This is more like it. Chelsea are looking direct, instead of probing around the box they are looking for one two's and players are actually starting to look for space behind the Boro backline. In return, Boro have decided to make a little bit of an effort on the counter attack.
53 mins: Downing makes a surging run down the left but his cross can only find Mikel and Chelsea pass out of trouble and race down the other end and win a corner via John Terry. That's right Terry is in the Boro box! Desperation is setting in for Chelsea. Lampard lifts a corner from the right into the box and Ballack's header is nodded on by Alex as Turnbull tips over.
57 mins: The crowd are up for it now and we have some end to end football. A Boro attack is broken up and Chelsea counter, winning a free kick 30 yards from goal. Alex strikes the ball against the wall and out for another corner.
GOAL GOAL GOAL GOAL GOAL....HALLELUJAH!!!!!
Lampards corner inspires header tennis and the ball finally breaks at the edge of the box finding Kalou who smashes a right foot volley into the net.
Chelsea 1, Middlesbrough 0
60 mins: Half an hour to go and Alves is warming up. Boro's 12 million pound man has scored 4 in his last 4 which makes me ask myself...Why the f**k is he on the bench?
Drogba has certainly made a difference to Chelsea's attack. he has made runs in and around the box in an attempt to break up the mass of red bodies in there.
64 mins: SUBSTITUTIONS: Alves is coming on for Shawky and Tuncay is coming on for King. So 2 forwards on and a forward and a midfielder off. Tuncay likes to play in the hole and he should slot in behind Alves.
Anelka breaks into the box but is muscled off the ball as he shoots weakly at Turnbull from the right hand side of the box.
68 mins: Boro are actually enjoying some possession and passing the ball into forward areas in an attempt to pressure the Chelsea deffence. Downing finds Alves on the edge of the box but his shot is weak and wide.
Oh lordy...Lampard misses a sitter. Anelka surges down the right and into the box, he squares the ball across to Lampard for a free shot, just the keeper to beat. Pick a spot Franky boy......But Lampard uses his left peg to shoot embarrassingly wide.
74 mins: It's an open game now. Boro want back into this and Chelsea are trying to exploit the space. I say 'trying' as they are not committing enough bodies into forward areas. Lampard strikes a free kick from 30 yards and Turnbull spills it to Kalou who can only fall over and fail to find Anelka in front of an empty net.
76 mins: Thank you for your concern Andrew. The first half was painful but at least its openning up a bit now.
Chelsea should be 2 up by now but I feel they are hanging back and trying to walk off with the one goal. Thats a dangerous game to play. Drogba has made the difference but he is not finding the support he wants once he gets into a good position with the ball. Lampard shoots from 20 yards with his left and the ball goes narrowly wide.
A Lampard corner finds Kalou all on his own 6 yards from goal and he heads into the empty net.
Everyone was crowding at the near post and Kalou stood alone.
Chelsea 2, Middlesbrough 0
Kalou is rewarded for his double haul by being immediately substituted for Deco.
86 mins: Huge cheers at Stamford Bridge as the scoreboard shows news from Wigan. Oh dear poor Liverpool.
Chelsea have been better in the last 10 mins, playing some nice football. Passing with purpose and not just passing back and fourth. Still, they have not created much today and look a shadow of the Chelsea that made the final of the CL and competed for the Premiership title last year. They look old, and exhausted of genuine ideas.
They have certainly made hard work of this one.
89 mins: Chelsea probing for a third and they may get it. Bosingwa and Cole are finally getting forward down the flanks and sending crosses in. Boro look dodgy at the back.
SUB: Anelka is off and Miroslav Stoch is on. The young forward will get a run out as the punters head for the exits.
93 mins: Mr Probert puckers up and blows his whistle. This one is done. Chelsea didn't really start playing football until 20 mins from the end. With the possession they enjoyed they really should have buried this one much earlier. They seemed content to just keep the ball. Sorry Chelsea fans, based on this performance I'd be worrying about 3rd and 4th place. Forget the title, you just are not good enough. Better teams would have made you pay for your reluctance to create chances tonight.
Compatriot Jose Bosingwa claims he can stop Ronaldo, from which I'm inferring Chelsea are going to align their defense like an airport traffic barrier.
Cristiano Foyt hasn't even been much of a threat this season so the kids in the blue kits (or are they going to wear safety yellow to make them easier targets for the Mancunians who come packing heat) might want to pay more attention to Wayne Rooney who has been pretty superb in recent form. Clearly, he's already stopped having sex with his wife.
If Chelsea get dismantled, Phil Scolari might be back in Brazil by February. Chelsea have a brutal road on the road in the back half of the season, so things might get worse before they get better and Abramovich isn't the most patient fellow in the world. Is Avram Grant employed?
I'm predicting a 1-1 draw with goals by Michael Ballack and Darren Fletcher, which means it will be a 3-2 affair. Hell, Ballack probably isn't even healthy. I haven't had coffee yet, so I can't be bothered to make the two mouse clicks it takes to get to PhysioRoom.
There's a decent after party with A.C. Milan v. Roma. Milan will probably debut a player who can't run, can't tackle, can't head, can't take on players heads up, and is really only effective when the game is stopped. But, wow, he sells a lot of shirts. Brace for Vucinic. Roma cruise.
The rest of Serie A is at half with a collective 4 goals in six matches. Wigan and Tottenham are scoreless with 15 to play (and 12 shots between them... it's like they're not even trying). Spain has a bunch of crap. And Hearts beat Hibernian in the Scottish Cup.
Father Xmas has seen better games than this, clearly.
It's been almost 3 weeks since a Big 4 club won a game in the EPL, but with 2 soft fixtures today for Spartak and Manchester United, surely that will end. It's 0-0 with Man U at the moment, and I'm just getting settled in for Spartak.
Come Boxing Day with me after the jump. This is truly the best day of the year. LINEUPS: Chelsea: Cech, Bosingwa, Ivanovic, Alex, Ashley Cole, Ballack, Mikel, Lampard, Joe Cole, Drogba, Anelka. Subs: Malouda, Ferreira, Deco, Kalou, Cudicini, Mineiro, Belletti.
Interesting to see Drogba and Anelka playing *gasp* TOGETHER for once... will it last beyond half-time? Ivanovic fills in for England's Moronic John Terry.
3 mins: My feed just woke up in time for GOAL GOAL GOAL GOAL to Spartak, and they don't come much simpler. Deep cross in from the right, and Didier Drogba got free of his marker to head back across Carson into the corner. Expect plenty more goals. Spartak London 1, West Brom 0
8 mins: There's a predictability about the early going: West Brom defending from the edge of the 18-yard box, and Spartak merely passing it around until an opening appears. The Baggies don't have much promise going forward, besides an early shot from Chris Brunt, but this could easily be a cricket score by full-time.
10 mins: Lampard tries his luck from fully 40 yards via the free-kick, and it does reach Carson, to my surprise. The Baggies goalie smothers it like a problem child and play resumes.
13 mins: The tempo has slowed somewhat, as Spartak are playing like lions facing wounded prey. They're pawing with it at the moment, biding their time, prolonging the Baggies' misery as they slowly, methodically look for ways to break through. West Brom are loving the long ball forward but can't seem to master the art of staying onside once the ball's in flight.
16 mins: Whoa, almost spoke too soon. Ivanovic lets Kim in behind him but his shot from a tight angle is easily saved by the Czech traffic cone. Bosingwa gets forward down the right, but his cross drifts all the way out for a throw-in on the opposite side. Not good.
18 mins: The Baggies have decided to let Jose Bosingwa cross at will on the right, as he whips in three or four crosses under little duress. None of them especially threatening, mind you -- he looks more Pennant than all-Pro -- but West Brom seem content to keep the middle crowded and play header tennis all afternoon. Olsson punts it clear for Beattie, but he's offside!
Lampard sneaks into the area unmarked but wastes the opportunity, hacking wide from 15 yards. Ugly shot from an ugly player. Is it just me, or is he wildly overrated?
20 mins: Neat flick by Joe Cole that almost breaks for Lamps through on goal, but a heroic slide from Zuiverloon takes the ball right off his shooting foot and to safety.
22 mins: Ballack lands a shot in the proverbial Row ZZ after Drogba's blocked from goal by Abdoulaye Meite. The flirtation with a 2-0 lead continues.
Elsewhere, Pompey-West Ham is locked up at 1-1, as Collison's scrappy effort cancels out a fine goal by Nadir Belhadj. No score with Stoke/Man U (was anyone else perplexed by Fergie's lineup for this afternoon? Evans in for an injured Rio makes some sense, but Scholes, Fletcher AND Giggs?) or at White Hart Lane between Spurs and Fulham.
25 mins: Joe Cole puts Drogba clean through on Carson, but he's a mile offside. Easy call for the linesman.
Jonathan Greening takes an awful knock in heading clear a Lamps' corner, headbutting the back of Alex' head and is slooooooow to get up. In the meantime, an injury-related switch for West Brom: Abdoulaye Meite off with hamstring knack in conceding that corner, Leon Barnett on.
29 mins: Bosingwa's cross misses everyone on its travels across the 6-yard box. The pressure is building once again... seriously, where is this second goal coming from?!?! Joe Cole shoots weakly from distance, ruining a good passage of play. The crowd is getting restless.
31 mins: A rare attack for the Baggies! It ends with Chris Brunt hoisting another speculative shot high into the crowd.
Lamps sidefoots a Bosingwa cross well wide, but he does find that room between the center backs and their cover. Both Barnett and Olsson were glued to the edge of the 6-yard box, but Lamps couldn't exploit.
This isn't a very good game so far, folks. It has the lazy pace reminiscent of Thanksgiving morning football games, where everyone's still hungover from the night before, and their minds are clearly focused on the starchy excess to follow at dinner-time. Every Spartak chance on goal is rather tame. Can the Baggies exploit? As some boy band once said, "it only takes a minute, girl."
Half-Time for Fergie: Stoke 0, Manchester United 0. Not a good day if you bet heavily on the away win, like I did.
36 mins: That should have been 2-0! Ashley Cole slips around the back and strikes it beautifully, but it pings back off the post and Carson recovers to save Cole's second effort. This is why defenders should practice shooting more. It reminds me immediately of his chance against LFC all those weeks ago, when he should have equalized but buried it in the crowd. Good times. Also, f*ck Ashley Cole.
38 mins: It's raining Bosingwa crosses at Stamford Bridge, but the 8-1-1 formation by the visitors are still keeping them at bay.
39 mins: West Brom win a corner as Bosingwa deflects Brunt's cross out of play. Can they take advantage?
Answer: No.
Having seen snippets of the first half, I think it's safe to say that Manchester United are still suffering from some jetlag, as they look awfully ordinary thus far. Might be in for a shocker there.
42 mins: Ashley Cole again demonstrates why he shouldn't be getting in front of goal, as Bosingwa's teasing cross just eludes his outstretched foot in front of an open goal. Carson was beaten, and Olsson was out of position, but Cole at full stretch still couldn't turn it in. Shame, that.
I am craving half-time right now. Spartak are looking Arsenal-esque in their final pass. Bosingwa puts another ball along the 6-yard box, but Carson intercepts this one and the crowd groan at another missed opportunity. The Baggies then give them the ball right back by hoofing their clearance out for a throw. Not smart.
45 mins: Joe Cole takes a hand to the face from Koren as they go for the ball, but then he does his best "Willem Defoe in Platoon" impression. Sorry Joe, no free-kicky for you.
45 mins + 1: Bosingwa's 1,283,957th cross of the first half floats into Carson's grasp. Another wasted effort.
45 mins + 2: GOAL GOAL GOAL GOAL, and Lampard looks to have cemented his overrated status with this one. Nice build by Spartak, and Ashley Cole's pass lands in Lamps' path. He slips past one weak challenge and chips over Carson. Spartak London 2, West Brom 0
HALF TIME: Spartak London 2, West Brom 0 A 15 minute break never looked so sweet. Not particularly thrilling football at the moment. Both teams could be forgiven for looking like the grass is covered in molasses.
Elsewhere, Defoe misses a penalty to give Pompey the lead. Lucas Neill fouled Crouchie, and Defoe dragged his effort wide of the post. Could be a contender for the next volume of "Worst Penalty Misses Ever". Not good for someone who wishes to play for England, and really, not good for anyone who plays football professionally.
46 mins: And we're back. Stoke had a wonderful chance to take the lead just a minute ago. Good for them.
Sub for Spartak at half-time: Belletti on, Bosingwa off. I had no idea crossing the ball so many times could result in injury, or maybe Big Phil was sick at seeing his attempts always end up miles from goal.
50 mins: Robert Koren breaks the sleepy monotony by firing wide from 20 yards. Still, it woke me up temporarily.
51 mins: Belletti demonstrates his wastefulness in front of goal by trying the cheeky chip from the edge of the box. It sails high and wide, hardly vindication for his half-time entrance. All the time in the world to actually shoot and he pulls that out instead.
55 mins: This is dire to watch. Koren and Kim are finding some room down the right, and Alex gives away a corner. If the Baggies would like to make this competitive, now would be a good time.
Brunt's effort is cleared with ease at the near-post, but from the rebound, he gets a chance to strike. Dipping, curving, powerful shot... right into Cech's hands. The agony continues.
58 mins: Lampard is through on goal again thanks to Drogba's pass, but he tries the cheeky chip and Carson's unimpressed.
For the 10am games, I'm not sure which will end up liveblogged. Of course I'd love it to be LFC, but it all depends on which dodgy Southeast Asian video feed I can find. Of course, follow along any other fixtures or games in the comments. Once this one's over, we'll leap to a new post, and then leap again at noon for the Villa/Arse marquee clash.
60 mins: The malaise is interrupted temporarily by a West Brom substitution: Luke Moore on (hero last weekend against Citeh), Craig "Did I Even Touch The Ball Today?" Beattie comes off. His most meaningful contribution today by far.
62 mins: It's Drogba's turn to be profligate, shanking his shot wide from 12 yards. Florent Malouda prepares to enter the fray. He and Solomon Kalou are equally useless, and I love seeing them flounder. At the very least we should be able to glean some comedy from the final half-hour, right?
Drama at Stoke as Andy Wilkinson attempts limb-removal on Cristiano, earning himself the most obvious 2nd yellow card in history. Off he goes, leaving his team to struggle out the final 10-15 minutes a man down. Still 0-0 there.
65 mins: Carson saves well from Drogba twice as his defenders sleep around him. Should have been 3-0 there.
That's the end of Didier too, as Scolari seems to think his formation must change to protect a 2-0 lead; Drogba off, Malouda on.
Early team news from Anfield suggests we were the victim of a cruel, and awfully early, April Fool's Joke: no Torres anywhere near the 18 to face Bolton today, as Keane will forage alone up-front once again and Carragher ends up at right-back for Boxing Day.
68 mins: Luke Moore gets a sniff at the other end, but Alex closes him down quickly and the danger subsides.
Sub for the Baggies: Kim Do-Heon off (he's been half-decent today), Roman Bednar on.
Man United finally take the lead despite playing like absolute pants today, and saving my betting day in the process. Carlos Tevez is the scorer, and hopefully his goal will get him a game or two in the starting XI. Elsewhere, West Ham take the lead late at Fratton Park' the hero is Carlton Cole. "Hero" and "Carlton Cole" are not things you see together very often. Savour the flavour, Sir Carlton.
72 mins: To prove to you all that I'm still watching this drivel, Joe Cole shoots three miles wide despite having time and space to pick his spot. It's petering out to a snooze at the moment. The crowd is rather quiet. I reckon washing Xmas dinner dishes would prove more exciting and enjoyable at this point.
Ballack gets a yellow for punching Chris Brunt in the face. I thought fist-to-face contact was a red card, no?
75 mins: A rare West Brom raid into the Spartak half dissolves, and at this point, I feel like I deserve a medal for stomaching this one. Send all medals to: UF Towers c/o Kinsale Tavern, New York, NY.
76 mins: Ivanovic whips in a decent corner but Ballack's header is no trouble for the defense. Alex gets on the end of a second cross, but it's well wide of Carson and the goal. Still 2-0.
James Morrison does well to dispossess Joe Cole on the right, and the Baggies counter well as Chris Brunt wins a corner. Please, pull a goal back, just to make this watchable!!!
Scolari makes his final substitution before the kick is taken: Deco on (what's happened to him since September?), Joe Cole off.
Paul Robinson has a crack at goal following Ballack's weak clearance, but Alex throws himself in the way and Cech is spared the work.
87 mins: A simply dire last 10 minutes, so I didn't bother typing. After all, to paraphase some ancient Zen koan, how does one describe nothingness?
West Ham score their 4th, and it's Bellamy again. So is everyone sold on the fact that he's going to White Hart Lane in a week or two?
3 minutes of stoppage time. Heaven help us. I can only watch so much more of this disjointed, uninspiring football. If I squinted, I'd swear I was watching Serie A.
Spurs and Fulham are doing their best to discourage people from supporting them, as the clock ticks down on an awful 0-0.
90 mins + 2: Belletti wins a late corner after a nice run down the right. The wonderfully-named Gianni Zuiverloon heads it clear, and Deco fouls in the race for the loose ball. That's it, surely.
I could watch John Terry's sending-off over and over again until I die. It's a fun one; for once he keeps his mouth shut, and I can't help but wonder how long until England stops calling. There are definitely better alternatives out there.
Whoops, forgot the song wasn't exactly work-safe. I was assuming you're all in bed still anyway.
Just remember John, if we get a penalty tonight, leave it for someone else. Got it?
Ah what the heck, let's do this. Spartak have won their first eight away games this season, tied with Spurs from 40+ years ago, and a win tonight would give them the record all to their greedy little soulless selves. Can they get it done at Goodison, a place where many decent teams get unstuck?
Does Tim Cahill have another injury-time header in him?
Bear with me, as this is a difficult undertaking: it's truly a case of lesser of two evils tonight.
Won't you come Toffee with me after the jump? Lineups: Everton: Howard, Hibbert, Yobo, Jagielka, Lescott, Neville, Osman, Arteta, Fellaini, Pienaar, Cahill. Subs: Nash, Baines, Van der Meyde, Rodwell, Jutkiewicz, Gosling, Kissock.
Once again, Everton have no actual striker on the pitch, and their subs bench would give Wikipedia nightmares. If you know who Gosling or Kissock are (besides perfectly good names for a new piano-driven indie band), then bully for you.
Meanwhile, for Spartak, Big Phil has continued to keep Anelka and Drogba separated, like the unstable elements that they are.
2 mins: Shaky start for Everton, as Bosingwa's deep cross from the right floats over Hibbert and gives Ashley Cole a great opportunity. Cole volleys it and forces a difficult save from Howard. They then waste the corner.
This is Spartak's to lose, honestly. They're playing a team that hasn't won at home yet in the league and has no healthy strikers. If those aren't helpful, I don't know what is.
7 mins: Scrappy in the midfield, just how Everton would like it. The only chance they've got is to double-team whoever's on the ball and get a leg in. These Spartak lads don't like being knocked around.
Neville tests Cech from 25 yards, driving a low shot that the helmeted traffic cone smothers easily.
10 mins: Good chance for Everton. Arteta finds Pienaar on the right, and his lofted cross to Cahill at the back post ends up in Cech's arms. He tried heading back across goal, but no-one was there. That'll happen when you have no-one who knows how to play striker.
12 mins: Another good opening for the Toffees, again via the air. Some neat interplay down the right yields a half-decent cross, but Fellaini can only head straight to Cech. Encouraging odds for an Everton goal at the moment.
15 mins: Chelsea's passing from left-to-right is very nice, but they're not finding much room moving forward.
An errant pass from Lampard ends up with Tim Howard. The home side are showing much more enterprise going forward. Lescott has a jaunt down the left, of all people, and wins a corner off Bosingwa. Arteta to take...
... and nothing.
18 mins: Nervy for Everton, as Joe Cole's cross meets Alex's head and falls to Anelka, but he's narrowly offside.
20 mins: Spartak are beginning to wake up. Some lovely passing frees Lampard at the top of the box, and his shot thumps off Jagielka's head and over the bar. Never mind -- Anelka handled it in the build-up.
23 mins: The gaps are appearing in Everton's rearguard as Spartak press the tempo down either wing. It helps their cause that Everton haven't cleared the ball beyond halfway for a couple of minutes now. Fancy footwork from Joe Cole releases Lamps, whose cross is knocked out for a corner, which is headed out for another corner. Deco takes it short and Arteta takes a piece of his ankle for the trouble. Free kick out on the left, Lampard to whip it in.
26 mins: Hello, Everton? Feel free to make this competitive. Their efforts of 15 minutes ago seem like they were months ago.
29 mins: Sorry lads, not much to report at the moment. It's about as dreary as any other Everton game we've seen this season.
31 mins: Phil Neville wastes a long throw deep in Spartak territory, and Spartak counterattack. They respond by dithering in midfield and when they finally do decide to move forward, Joe Cole is offside.
34 mins: Everton create some space in midfield, and Phil Neville responds with an excited, leaden-footed long ball to Fellaini that ends up in the crowd. Dismal stuff at the moment. Deco and Mikel run like headless chickens, Lampard has had no contributions of merit, and now trouble for Spartak...
RED CARD FOR SPARTAK: John Terry is off, and the boos rain down at Goodison (can boos rain down? Discuss). Terry flies in like a maniac as Leon Osman controls the ball. He flies off his feet, studs up, and takes out Osman's foot. Phil Dowd fumbles in his pocket for the red and waves it like a peacock displaying his plumage. Terry is speechless, which tells the whole story really. Dangerous play, Osman hobbles for a while, and Spartak are without their captain and central defender.
38 mins: Cahill finds the book for a hand-to-face rake on poor Michael Ballack as the two challenge for a header. More sendings-off in this one? Quite probably.
So... 10 men and away from home? Will they play for the point now?
40 mins: It's in danger of boiling over at Goodison as both teams are tackling later and later. Plan of attack for Everton will be to ping crosses in from both sides to test out Alex.
42 mins: Surprising to no-one, all the action is down at Spartak's end as Hibbert and Pienaar are trying to bomb down the right wing every chance they get. As the pressure mounts, Alex bundles Cahill down and wins possession, but Dowd gives a free-kick to Everton, 20 yards out and bang in front of goal. Arteta will fancy this. Meanwhile, Lamps shows his appreciation for the Respect The Ref initiative and gives Dowd some lip service, receiving a yellow card for his choice of words. Dissent -- look it up, folks. Ashley Cole picks up a yellow seconds later for the exact same thing. Hilarious, really. John Terry's absence has rattled the visitors. They could end up with 8 men by the end of full-time.
Arteta's free-kick hits the wall, and falls to Yobo who volleys into Cech's stomach. Good low save by Cech, and Spartak breathe again. They're in no rush to attack. Half-time will be a refuge for their tempers.
2 mins of stoppage time.
Half Time: Everton 0, Spartak London 0 The rest of the first half passes (sadly) without incident, but the home side will fancy their chances after the break. Fellaini, Cahill, and Pienaar look far more enterprising than Deco, Ballack and Lampard.
Subs for Chelsea: Joe Cole and Anelka off, Ivanovic and Drogba on. 4-4-1 from hereon out.
48 mins: Mikel gets a half-chance, firing wide from 20 yards. You get the feeling there won't be many of those chances in the 2nd half.
52 mins: Hibbert puts a glorious cross on Fellaini's head, and he heads right at goal. Good pressure from Everton at the moment! I am surely not the only one who hopes it translates to goals.
55 mins: Lampard whips in a free kick from the right wing that Alex gets to over Lescott, but his powerful effort was always going wide.
Another surge by Everton sparked by Fellaini through the middle - his presence is rather difficult for Mikel to handle - but Phil Neville's cross has no power behind it and Alex hoofs it clear.
60 mins: Another cross for Everton, this time from the left, that Cech rises confidently to steal from Fellaini's fro'd head. Yobo picks up hamstring knack and is replaced by Leighton Baines. Spartak don't look too terrible on the counter as Drogba is used to creating his own scoring chances, but if goals are coming from anywhere (and believe me, I'm skeptical), you have to fancy it at Cech's end.
Mikel wastes a free-kick, sailing it over Drogba's head for a goal kick. Uninspiring play from Mikel.
64 mins: A couple of corners in quick succession for Everton as they keep asking questions down the wings. Arteta's latest one is cleared but he gets a chance to cross again, and Jagielka's flick is well-blocked. Another cross from Arteta gets a gentle flick from Fellaini (who is becoming a real nuisance in the air) but Cahill can't get on the end. The home crowd is singing loud, now. They feel due for a goal. Do any of you?
68 mins: Spartak win a free kick 20 yards out, and while Phil Dowd struggles to set the wall, Ballack complains a little and becomes the 3rd Spartak player booked for dissent. Hilarious, although this one was unfair. Big Phil can do nothing but laugh in the dugout. When it's not your day, it's just not your day.
72 mins: Patchy play at the moment, as Everton aren't really maximizing their man advantage. Plenty of possession for Spartak at the moment, and they're quite happy to knock it around and kill some time.
Ballack wins a rather lazy corner, and Lamps swings it into Tim Howard's hands.
76 mins: Almost a goal! Very much in the vein of Milner's late winner on Saturday. Hibbert's deep cross takes a huge bounce off Lampard's back (yes, he was ducking out of the way, shielding his face) and almost loops over Cech, but he reacts quickly to palm it over.
Cech then makes another phenomenal reaction save as Lescott's strong header was destined for the top corner, but Petr made it across in the nick of time. Great pressure for Everton now. It's almost enough to make me wish Hibbert played for LFC, as he's actually capable of a good cross from the right.
79 mins: Pienaar wins a free kick 25 out. Arteta fancies this one... his corners have been crap today, but Fellaini and his hair are eager to get another chance.
Arteta takes it short and it fails, but Baines gets it right in the corner and he skids it agonizingly across the 6-yard box. Fellaini backheels it along, and it bobbles just wide of the post. Can Spartak hang on? Cech had no chance with that one.
Ivanovic takes out Cahill in the air and Everton get another chance. Free kick, 25 out, just right of goal. Arteta, Baines and Pienaar huddle over the ball.
81 mins: Arteta lofts it over the bar. 8+ minutes left. Andy Gray thinks Chelsea would take a point right now. Really, would they? I mean technically you're right, but I think they'd be ecstatic about it. I don't even know where to begin. Such salient wisdom from the former Everton man.
83 mins: Spartak threaten, and Drogba snuffs out the chance by shoving Jagielka in the back.
84 mins: GOAL GOAL GOAL GOAL.... well, no. Another of those low, fast crosses along the edge of the 6-yard box, and a melee ensues. Fellaini puts it in, and from the scrum, Pienaar stabs it in through Cech's fingertips. Goodison erupts, but Pienaar is a step offside. Cech takes an awful beating in trying to keep the ball out. I am unsympathetic. Sorry about that, it's still 0-0! Just add another talking point to the list.
86 mins: Play finally restarts, and Drogba fouls immediately. Back down the other end, then. Plenty of stoppage time to follow too, we can expect.
Spartak sub: Wayne Bridge on, Deco off.
90 mins + 1: Just two minutes added, and all that tension of 10 minutes ago appears to be fizzling out.
To reiterate: Spartak down to ten men after 35 minutes, 0-0 at the moment. David Moyes should be a little upset at this. Spartak get a late free-kick in Everton's half, and a chance to snatch it.
Mikel's effort is headed clear, and Dowd blows his whistle.
Full Time: Everton 0, Spartak London 0 To be fair to the bastards, Spartak did battle bravely after losing their captain in the first half. He'll miss the West Brom game for his troubles. Cech limps off after taking a beating, and he was a titan today, keeping everything out.
Of course, this means Liverpool head into Christmas Day at the top of the English Premier League, and I feel obliged to point out that in almost every instance, the league leader at Xmas itself has been the eventual league winner.
Here at UF, we love a good WAG. Big Phil Scolari, however, does not.
The Spartak London gaffer and Gene Hackman look-a-likey has asked that his players find some nice un-wag-like ladies to settle down with, due to his disdain for the glitz and glamour that so easily sidetracks players and derails a season faster than you can say "Jermain Defoe."
So what's he have to say about it all? Surely there's a good quote or two... The WAG culture is set in deep at Stamford Bridge, Ashley Cole is married to super WAG Cheryl Cole. Namesake Joe is currently enjoying his WAG Carly Zucker, and she is enjoying the lime-light of reality TV as she stars in I'm a celebrity, Get me out of here. Anelka also keeps a WAG (Barbara Tausia) in togs. Frankie Lamps likes to hang out with his hot Spanish WAG Elen Rives and Champions League Trophy escape artist John Terry has his own WAG, Toni Poole.
Anelka and his WAG.
Big Phil should surely be thinking about his team's chances of dropping out of the Champions League later today. Maybe Big Phil is trying to launch a second career as a match-maker? He may need a job; if Cluj draw or win at the Bridge and Bordeaux beat Roma, that scenario would see them crashing out of the competition leaving Big Phil without a job. He announced last weekend that he would quit if Spartak London lose to Cluj and fail to make the next stage of the CL. But no, Scolari is only interested in WAGs today...
"The best thing for a player in their football life is to have a good wife. If a player has a good wife, you don't need to worry about him. Today, if a player is intelligent, they have money for their family for the second generation and even the fifth generation. But some players don't think about this. Some players only think about today, spending money for the day, spending money on a car, nights out and on this and on that."
So who would Phil prefer his Spartak stars hook up with? Here is the UF Big Phil Suitable Birds Top Ten as suggested by the UF crew, along with possible players that might be compatible. We realize several of the lads are married, but should their star-studded unions shatter like most do (especially when the ladies concerned are impossibly gorgeous), this list is full of suitable fallbacks.
10. Rachel Ray: Fairly hot, and she cooks! No more nights out at China White, but nights staring at white China. Would be a good fit for Frank Lampard, a man who knows and appreciates a good meal.
9. Carol Vorderman: You will never need a calculator again. Just let Carol tally up your ridiculous wages. She will also help you spell your name. A good fit for Ashley Cole, whose vanity might well require a lovely lady to tell him how much money he made switching from Arsenal to Spartak.
8. Katie Holmes: No fear of her looking at another player across the dance floor at Stringfellows. Oh no. Holmes is, well, a Holmes maker. She will bare your child, chop of her hair and join a cult for you. Now that's dedication. Michael Ballack, obviously! With Tom Cruise playing a German in his latest film, me thinks Holmes is just warming up to a far more authoritarian life.
7. Sarah Palin: Bit MILFY but she would keep you in check. Saturday nights at the witch doctors house to help that Saturday afternoon knock heal and Sundays shooting dinner from a chopper. Then it's back home for some deer dressin' and some baking, maverick-style. More fun? Days off will involve 20 mile snomobile races and icicle counting competitions. You Betcha! Don't forget to wrap up warm, we don't want those soccer balls to freeze. The perfect foil for John Obi Mikel, a man who could use some backcountry discipline.
6. Anne Robinson: Available to entertain all the kinky school principal fantasies you ever had. Smart, condescending, and will keep the hungry paparazzi at bay with her 'death stare' and collection of ancient torture weapons. "Did you play well today? Were you the weakest defensive link?" Surely the apple of John Terry's eye, as Robinson can soothe his Champions League pain while dishing out the grit needed to helm the Spartak central defense.
5. Erin Burnett: Sexy, smart and sassy. Has a real career of her own and is unlikely to show up in a bikini in any sort of public forum (though, yoga attire on the Today Show cannot be ruled out). Plus, we generally lust after her. A perfect match for Deco, one whose baffling inconsistency in form could only be explained by someone who can read the stats and make sense of them.
4. Helen Chamberlain: She clearly knows the sport well thanks to Soccer AM, and her lifelong love of Torquay United might well make her the most boring wife-to-be on the planet. No danger of trouble in the press (although her Penthouse photo shoot makes her a daring choice - NSFW) Ricardo Carvalho could use some south coast culture. He should be so lucky...
3. Jennifer Aniston: She's flexible/understanding; Can put up with douchebags (see: Mayer, John), pretty-boys (see: Pitt, Brad), big-game-talkers (see: Vaughn, Vince) or basket-cases (see: Wilson, Owen). Methinks if you give her a baby, she'll give you the world. Didier Drogba would work well, as he's a combination of all 4 types of men Aniston has experience with in her dating history.
2. Brandi Chastain: The ultimate soccer mom! Made famous by her sports bra, she'll surely be able to help out in training while also making sure the kids understand the offside trap. Boring enough and quiet enough for the lumbering giant in goal, Petr Cech.
1. Natalie Portman: She looks great and will dress up in Star Wars outfits for you. 'Nuff said. Oh you need more? She speaks French, German, Arabic, Japanese and of course Bocce. Joe Cole, step on down! You're the only one small enough and likeable enough to deserve her.
Honorable Mention: Karren Brady You would be dating a football boss which would give you an advantage in negotiations either because she's your boss or she would give you pointers. Plus, she ain't bad for a millionaire 39 year old lady. She'd have been good for Shevchenko while he was still at the Bridge, mainly because she could have negotiated him a much better career.
Any other potentials that could keep the Spartak London players quiet?
It's the day before Thanksgiving, which means I'm not at work and I'm sitting in front of the television ready for some live Champions League action. Shame they picked the dud of the fixture list. Ah well, beggars can't be choosers.
So join after the jump, won't you? Come read my disparaging assessment of a team I hate playing a team from a country I hate. But first... what other games are on tap today?
Group A Bordeaux v Chelsea CFR Cluj v Roma
Group B Anorthosis Famagusta v Werder Bremen Inter Milan v Panathinaikos
Group C Shakhtar Donetsk v Basle Sporting Lisbon v Barcelona
Group D Atletico Madrid v PSV Eindhoven Liverpool v Marseille
Some intriguing storylines there, I think. I wanna see the Romanian team win again, personally.
Starting Lineups for LFC and Chelsea: ---- Liverpool v. Marseille Liverpool: Reina, Arbeloa, Carragher, Agger, Aurelio, Mascherano, Alonso, Kuyt, Gerrard, Riera, Torres. Subs: Cavalieri, Dossena, Keane, Benayoun, Babel, Leiva Lucas, Kelly.
1 mins: Immediately a foul by Chalme in the corner as he protects the ball out for a goal kick. I approve of this aggression against Scolari's Spartak side.
4 mins: Nice little backheel flick by Cole that amounts to nothing, although Wendel gets clattered while chasing possession. A very cagey start early. The French crowd are singing at full volume, while both sides are playing in very ugly shirts.
Bordeaux break down the right wing but the move is halted when Terry hip-checks Gouffran and the ball goes out for a goal kick. No foul there?
6 mins: An early shot from Fernando tests Cech, who is forced to parry it out for a corner. Ballack gave him all the time in the world to shoot. Never a good idea, really.
11 mins: Sorry folks, a bit of technical trouble there slowed me down. Chamakh played Gouffran through on goal with a nice pass, forcing Cech to come out and clear, and then a foul by Mikel on the right gave an early free-kick some 30 yards out that Wendell promptly wasted. Bordeaux look much brighter than the garish yellow shirts of Spartak London in the early goings. The strategy seems to be attacking down the right wing, and so far it seems to be effective.
14 mins: Malouda scraps and hustles at the touchline under pressure, but nothing comes of it. Really, I don't see how Spartak can continue being good with Kalou and Malouda. Sure, they're top at the moment, but does anyone really think Anelka can keep scoring like he is? Not to mention the Drogba situation. Just offering that out there...
17 mins: I'd type faster if anything were really happening. Spartak aren't showing much fluency moving forward, and Bordeaux are definitely looking more inventive. Spartak are playing the long ball game, which is drawing boos, wolf whistles and jeers from the style-minded crowd.
20 mins: Chalme gets clean through on the right edge of the box and blasts it goalward, forcing a diving save from Cech. Slowly but surely, the game is opening up... it helps that the two teams are now scuffling in midfield after an ankle tap by Mikel on Gourcuff right before John Terry clips him and falls all over him. The referee handles the mess with a yellow card for England's Blundering John Terry.
22 mins: Tommy Smyth beats me to it: where are Frank Lampard and Michael Ballack? The middle of the Spartak midfield is practically empty, giving Gourcuff and Gouffran plenty of running room. Anelka fouls trying to get under yet another speculative long ball. Very dull stuff so far, really.
(A goal flourish elsewhere. Roma score on a tap-in, Simao puts Atletico Madrid ahead with a determined finish, and Barca have scored twice in two minutes. Oh, and now Totti's added another: CFR Cluj 0, AS Roma 2)
Goal for Gerrard too! A nice header at the back post off Xabi's cross. Liverpool 1, Marseille 0... now goals almost everywhere but at Bordeaux.
29 mins: Gourcuff works himself some space and gets an open shot from 25 yards, forcing another diving save from Cech. Spartak will cough up a goal soon, I reckon.
And then seconds later, Fat Frank gets into the action for the first time today. His contribution to the game? A late sliding tackle on Chamakh that earns him a yellow card. Wendel promptly shows manager Laurent Blanc why he shouldn't be taking any more free-kicks in scoring territory as he blasts it high over the crossbar.
30 mins: Dear, oh dear. Spartak are playing hack-a-Frenchman at the moment. The crowd goes absolutely apeshit (and rightly so) as Ashley Cole scythes Chamakh down, making no contact with the ball. Terry sprints over to remonstrate and complain, but the ref issues another yellow card. Wendel miraculously gets to take it, and his cross ends up being cleared comfortably. As Andrew said in the comments, there will be red in this one. Hopefully it'll be Terry. Smyth is wrong to say that proceedings resemble "a rugby game". I swear it's like listening to Alzheimer's with that aging Irishman behind the microphone.
32 mins: More danger for Spartak. Ball is cut inside from the right wing, and played right across the edge of the area to meet Jurietti's sprint from left-back. Joe Cole reads it well and slides in to intercept in the nick of time, else he'd have been one-on-one with Cech. Scolari looks rather pained at the moment.
(Cluj have pulled a goal back.... CFR Cluj 1, AS Roma 2)
35 mins: A rare period of comfortable possession for Spartak as they move the ball around midfield with ease. The final pass comes to Malouda, but his shot was a shot in name only.
Bordeaux break again down the right side, forcing Terry to shin it out for a corner. Gourcuff's outswinging corner misses everyone and everything.
38 mins: I fear we're entering that dreaded pre-half time lull. Amazingly, Spartak have had far more possession, but nary a shot on goal. That sounds more like Arsenal than anything else.
39 mins: Move that sums up Spartak's evening thus far: Malouda sprints across to the right wing to receive a throw-in, gets boxed in against the touchline, does that nifty backheel flick thing to himself but it trickles out of play for a goal kick. Kalouda are awful, both individually and as a collective. To the transfer market in January you should go, Scolari. Anything to prevent this pair from sniffing the starting XI.
At Anfield, Pepe Reina does well to turn a Taye Taiwo free-kick onto the post and out, while Rodrigues Jadson has scored to give Shakhtar Donetsk a 1-0 lead at home to Basel
41 mins: Pretty dismal evening for Spartak thus far. Lampard, Ballack, Kalou, Mikel and Joe Cole have done fuck-all thus far. I hope this trend continues. That said, all this pressure for Bordeaux and no goals only serves the visitors' cause in the long run.
Jesus... a foul throw? When was the last time you saw one of those? Chalmat is the guilty party, guilty of looking like an absolute clown. Really. You learn throw-ins when you're 14 years old.
44 mins: The game has descended into a nit-picky midfield battle, a style that neither team are rather good at playing. It's boring as shit to watch, that's for sure. Is it any more boring to read about?
45 mins: Ballack gets free on the left, but his cross never reaches the lone Spartak player, Anelka, in the box. Then Bosingwa tries to assert himself on the right wing, but is handled tidily by Diarra. Bordeaux break and Gouffran gets free in the middle, only to blast his shot high over the bar. If the goals were 15 feet high, it'd be 3-0 Bordeaux at this point. As such, we prepare for half-time, and the ref mercifully puts us out of our misery.
HALF-TIME: Bordeaux 0, Spartak London 0
Around the grounds: CFR Cluj 1, AS Roma 2 Anorthosis Famagusta 0, Werder Bremen 0 Inter Milan 0, Panathanaikos 0 Shakhtar Donetsk 1, Basel 0 Sporting Lisbon 0, Barcelona 2 Atletico Madrid 2, PSV Eindhoven 0 (clearly, they're missing Heurelho Gomes) Liverpool 1, Marseille 0
I'm off for a nap until the second-half.
46 mins: We begin again, and hopefully these two teams will actually play soccer in the 2nd half. I have my doubts.
Early pressure for Bordeaux forcing yet more muscle from Cech, coming out to collect a deflected cross and climbing over Terry in the process.
50 mins: Drogba is warming up. I repeat, the sullen striking malcontent is warming up. I wonder if he'll replace Kalou and Malouda, because frankly Spartak would be more effective with 10 men than either of those two.
No chances early. It bears noting that Spartak don't really need to win this game to qualify for the knockout stages, but still, think of the poor French people who took time off not-work and spent hard-earned Euros to watch this game! At least provide something that we can believe is an honest effort, even if you're not really trying.
52 mins: A long ball ends up safely in Valverde's hands. Anelka's been shit today. Without his tapped-in, empty net goals, he's really not very industrious or inventive unless you tee up the goals for him so he can't miss.
Gouffran breaks down the right but his sharp, low cross is deflected out for a corner. Scolari looks even more pissed off than he did an hour ago, and maybe it's because his midfield has been non-existent so far.
(Goals a-plenty everywhere else, yet again: Danny Koevermans pulls one back for PSV, Lionel Messi adds a 3rd for Barcelona, and Da Silva Willian makes it 2-0 for Shakhtar Donetsk over Basel and surely cementing their UEFA Cup spot.)
56 mins: Yellow card for Jurietti after his 11th ticky-tack foul. Does anyone even care?
And yes Adam, that Golf Academy ad is awful. It looks about as reputable as that Minnesota art school where you have to draw the pirate and the turtle to get accepted.
60 mins: Well, whaddaya know, I didn't miss a thing while I searched on YouTube for that ad!
61 mins: GOAL GOAL GOAL GOAL Spartak London, and what a fucking joke that was. An innocuous pass forward to Anelka somehow beats Diawara, giving the Frenchman about 10 minutes to canter down the pitch untroubled before slotting the ball past Valverde as Jurietti finally arrives to apply pressure. Awful. Their first shot on goal, and they've scored. Anelka's immediately subbed off by Scolari, which you know was the plan anyways, but that's a heck of a way to say farewell to the action before hitting the pine. Bastard. The crowd is subdued. Bordeaux 0, Spartak London 1
64 mins: Lampard blazes a free-kick narrowly over the bar, and surprise surprise, Chelsea look a lot more confident now, so much so that Cech almost gets caught in possession while trying to dribble it out of his area. What a clown! Still, it's on Bordeaux to force the issue now, as they can't exactly afford defeat with just one group game to go. Shake off the mistake and get upfield!
(Another goal for AS Roma, which looks to be pushing Bordeaux towards elimination unless they can knock off Spartak somehow this evening. Also, Cypriot side Anorthosis are close to qualifying from Group B as they take the lead 1-0 at home to Werder Bremen, the goal coming from Nicos K Nicolaou.)
66 mins: Fernando Cavenaghi on, Gouffran off for Bordeaux.
69 mins: Anyone still out there? I realize this game is tough going, but stick with me, please... I could use the support and comfort of knowing I'm not suffering through this hell in vain.
(Alright, try to keep up with this from the last 5 minutes: Sporting score 2 in 2 minutes before an own goal makes it 4-2 Barcelona. Anorthosis double their lead to boost their chances of making the knockout stages, and Shakhtar Donetsk score a 3rd goal at home to Basel. All good?)
73 mins: Gourcuff gets some medical attention for a head wound, and it's really the only meaningful thing he's done in the 2nd half. No more goals in this one... mark it.
(Panathanaikos take the lead in Milan.... Greek team 1, Jose Mourinho's team 0. If it holds, then Group B becomes a clusterfuck on Matchday 6. Meanwhile, Werder pull a goal back in Cyprus, making squeaky bum time a certainty there. Anorthosis 2, Werder 1.)
76 mins: The crowd aren't happy at how the home side have been rather bad since the sucker punch goal. Drogba gets fouled, and Bordeaux make another substitution: the bad free-kick specialist Wendel comes off, replaced by Gabriel Obertan. That's about as exciting as it's been for the last 15 minutes.
(Game over in Lisbon, as Pedro is sent off and Bojan scores from the penalty spot... Sporting 2, Barcelona 5. Also, Shakhtar score their 4th of the night. Good for them!)
And yes Georger, I do hope Dossena leaves. He's fucking terrible. Let's get this Jurietti guy from Bordeaux. He seems decent enough.
78 mins: Spartak settle into playing 8 behind the ball and double-teaming every tackle, which is just the trick if you're looking to squeeze the life out of the final 10 minutes as they are planning to.
Lampard forces a low save from Valverde after being put through by Malouda, the clearance ends up with Lampard again but no such luck second time around. Funny how Lampard always seems to spring to life once his team is winning, isn't it?
(Shakhtar score a 5th, and its dawning on me that Group B is going to be fun in 2 weeks. After all, any one of Anorthosis, Inter Milan or Panathanaikos could go through. Nothing is guaranteed after today, if the results hold. At least one of these groups has proven to still have drama heading into the final matchday.)
82 mins: Bordeaux appeal for a backpass, to no avail. A bit desperate, really.
83 mins: GOAL GOAL GOAL GOAL and it's one of the amazing Diarras! There's quite a few of them, but make no doubt on this one: Alou Diarra leaps like a gazelle from a nice inswinging corner, and he buries it in off the near post. Cech doesn't move, and nor do any of the Spartak defenders in the box, all of them remaining rooted to the grass. They deserved that. Bordeaux 1, Spartak London 1
I blame John Terry for that one. Then again, I'd blame him for global warming if I could.
Substitution for Chelsea: Joe Cole off (he gave away the corner that Bordeaux scored from), Paulo Ferreira on.
86 mins: Wonderful! Lampard, who's had an awful game, slides late on Fernando Menegazzo and picks up a yellow card. He slinks away as it takes the ref a minute to realize Lamps was booked earlier. Thankfully, the ref got it eventually and beckons Lampard over to show him the red and end his dismal evening. Can Bordeaux sneak it with the man advantage? This liveblogger hopes so.
88 mins: Bordeaux are pouring forward down the left and Jurietti's cross is cleared to Planus, who seizes his chance to hammer it high into the stands. Good effort from the defender there. Spartak are shaky as the clock ticks down.
3 minutes of injury time.
(Also, all the Cypriot talk should be put on hold temporarily, as there's a chance no-one will face them in the knockouts: Werder Bremen just equalized. 2-2 in Cyprus with seconds remaining.)
90 mins + 1: Chalmat hoofs it forward to no-one in particular, which is not the strategy you'd expect from a team with a man advantage. They do get a more meaningful attack shortly thereafter, and Malouda gets the last touch as it goes out. Corner to Bordeaux. Gourcuff to thwack it in.
The outswinger causes trouble as Diawara got a head to it. It bounces around a bit but no shot before Terry belts it long down the pitch... and that's all she wrote.
FULL-TIME: Bordeaux 1, Spartak London 1 As painful to watch as it was, a deserved result. I do love to see Spartak struggle, and Lampard's sending-off was a particularly happy moment. --- Thanks for following along, one and all. One last look around the grounds (all full-time scores):
CFR Cluj 1, AS Roma 3 Anorthosis Famagusta 2, Werder Bremen 2 Inter Milan 0, Panathanaikos 1 Shakhtar Donetsk 5, Basel 0 Sporting 2, Barcelona 5 Atletico Madrid 2, PSV Eindhoven 1 (I forgot this was played behind closed doors bc of their home fan troubles) Liverpool 1, Marseille 0
This may or may not be Autoglass as a child.
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