I Think I Got A Straight Six

Yes, Er's sexual innuendo is priceless, but not as priceless as our clairvoyance.

Without checking, I'm going to proclaim this the best week ever. You'd think this would be easy, right? Just pair up a couple of low numbers—lots of 1's and 0's with the odd 2's and 3's and you should get most results.

Eh, it doesn't work that way.

Well it does, but for some arbitrary reason we've made order count here at UF. So the first number we list, that's gotta be the home team's total. No switching as this ain't a game for swingers (but if you want to throw up on someone who's not your wife, knock yourself out, Cashley).

Point being, we've never bested 5 right before this week, and with the ridiculously improbable 4-1 (well, not that ridiculous *cough*Keegan*cough*) we lined up 6.

The downside is that we weren't really close on the other four. We had three draws, which we can't pair with three losses (or wins depending). And the only remaining game with a winner—excuse me: WITH A WINNER WHO IS NOW FIVE POINTS CLEAR AT THE TOP OF THE TABLE—didn't come close to matching the remaining available tally of 5-2.

Oops.


Yipee!

Villa 4-1 Newcastle
Bolton 0-1 Portsmouth
Sunderland 2-0 Wigan
West Ham 1-1 Birmingham
Chelsea 0-0 Liverpool
Derby 0-3 Tottenham

Skipee

Arsenal 2 - 0 Blackburn (5-2)

Citeh 2 -1 United (1-1)

Everton 1 -0 Reading (3-3)
'Boro 1-0 Fulham (2-2)


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Seemed Like a Good Idea at the Time

See that? That's Satan.

Sometime about 21:30 GMT on May 25, 2005, Liverpool walked into their Ataturk Stadium locker room in Istanbul to see that guy lounging in the corner casually smoking a Nat Sherman.

Basically, our friend the Dark Lord here said that he could assure the Reds a victory with what remained of their match against Milan, and it wouldn't even cost them anything that day. All compensation would be taken out of future earnings.

Great. The Scousers all signed up. And, holy shit, the Miracle of Istanbul was miraclized.

So fast forward two years to Olympic Stadium in Athens, and Liverpool had to feel that they got a fair deal when Milan won a far less exciting rematch by a 2-1 tally. "Okay, so we entered a pact with Satan, and we ended up batting .500 in a couple of Champions League finals. We'll take that any day and twice on Sundays." That was the collective wisdom of everyone in a Liverpool kit.

But, oh. How wrong. The '07 final wasn't payback. Mephistopheles was an uninterested observer that day. Nope, Satan is now extracting payment on the '05 deal week by week, point by point, and is slowly raping the collective lifeforce at Anfield.

There is no other explanation.

Liverpool held about 2/3 of the possession, outshot Villa about what looked like 31-2, yet they still needed a strike by Peter Crouch 2 minutes from time today JUST TO EQUALIZE! And Liverpool is, for the moment, out a of Champions League spot. Insult meet injury. Crosstown rival Everton currently hold the fourth spot in the Prem.

Satan is kind of a dick. So this might not be ending anytime soon.

He also might be fucking with UF as its majority shareholders are Scousers (present company excluded) and we had our worst week prognosticating, or whatever it is that we are doing pulling numbers out of a hat.

Crytal Soccer Balls

Man City 1-1 West Ham
Wigan 1-2 Everton
Birmingham City 0-1 Chelsea
Tottenham 2-0 Sunderland

Close

Portsmouth 4-1 Derby (3-1)
Fulham 1-3 Arsenal (0-3)

Close But Not Really

Newcastle 1-0 Bolton (0-0)

This Would Have Made More Sense

Liverpool 2-1 Villa (2-2)
Blackburn 2-1 Boro (1-1)

If I Could Make a Deal with Satan

Reading 4-2 Man U (0-2)


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Either We're Pretty Good at This, Or It's Really Easy

Could be some of both, but again we totally nailed five of this weekend's matches in our EPL predictions. (Suck it, Barclay's... okay, I'm just bandwagoning on that.)

Anyway, this is about the only fun left in the league, because the league itself, it's pretty much over. And that after we're just past the halfway point. Fucking Man U. The only remaining drama is the battle for fourth place. Everton and Citeh are going to vulture as long as the Reds manage to continually draw against lesser sides. Of slightly less importance is whether Grant can continue cobbling together winning sides to snatch second place, while the Gunners suddenly look way too vulnerable on the backline with Eboue and Toure kicking it old skool in the Crib of Civilization.

If schadenfruede is your thing, there's the possibility that there is even more unraveling to be done at the Toon, enough so that Newcastle threatens relegation. And really does anything strike less fear in an opponent than a Magpie?

Answer: Yes, a Wanderer.

But hey, get a Schlitz dropped on you by Man U, no worries just lead with a bit on your official blog about how cracking your junior side is.

Whatever, at least the trophy won't have to travel this season. Oh well, there's still beer.


Stuck The Landing

Sunderland 2-0 Portsmouth

West Ham 2-1 Fulham

Bolton 1-2 Blackburn

'Boro 1-1 Liverpool

Arsenal 1-1 Birmingham City 


We Dyslexia Heart (Right score, wrong order)
Tottenham 0-2 Chelsea
Reading 1-3 Villa

Horseshoes and Hand Grenades (Our predictions in parenthesis)
Everton 1 - 0 Citeh (3-2)
Derby 0-1 Wigan (0-0)


If it's much worse than this, what does it really matter.
Man U 6 - 0 Newcastle (3-0)

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