Thursday, January 3, 2008

The All-Ugly Team [EPL Edition]

Football is a beautiful game, but it is so often true that many of its professionals and practitioners are not. It's an unfortunate fact, but one we are all aware of, and we stand defiant against their misshapen faces each time we sit down and watch a game or two.

In light of this fact, it's time some of these hapless misfits got recognition for their crimes against beauty. After tireless research [read: 20-25 minutes], and without further ado, I present to you the EPL All-Ugly Team, sponsored by UF.

GK - Brad Friedel [Blackburn Rovers]
He is the archetypal picture of hideousness as applied to football. He is not the first bald-headed man with a weird face to win this award, nor will he be the last. Neanderthal in his look yet often inspired in his play, it is a certainty that his wretched visage can inspire the worst of misses in front of goal. A solid choice between the posts.
DF - Joleon Lescott [Everton]
A tough choice, due to his difficult, painful childhood [almost dying at age 5 after being hit by a car, to name but one example]. However, his face is equally painful. As the hairline slowly recedes, revealing more of his formidable brow and cheek, we are aghast at the horror. He also makes the list because he plays for a team of fucking wankers.

DF - Paul Konchesky [Fulham]
Hideousness personified. Lay off the fake tan, my friend, and sit down a while. Sleep for an eternity, and run from the fact that you're fucking frightening to look at. Is it the piercing eyes that rob your spirit? Is it the hawkish nose, the sharp chin, or could it be the constantly wide open maw? So many possibilities, you ugly tw*t.

DF - Rio Ferdinand [Manchester United]
The Ferdinand brothers, Rio and Anton, are blessed in two ways: soccer skills and awful faces. Whether in cornrows or bouffant afro, Ferdinand's hair is a pleasant distraction from the fright immediately below. Take a bow, young man, for your horse-face awards you captaincy of this facially-challenged lineup.

MF - Ivan Campo [Bolton]
Flowing, curly hair, unshaven face, and giant divide between his eyes. Classic Mediterranean ugliness. He wears the face of a man who's known too many hungover nights, too many empty beds, and too much disappointment. He is lost in his own lack of appeal.

MF - Tomas Rosicky [Arsenal]
Christ, why hast thou forced upon us those cheekbones? Throw in two eyes virtually on top of each other, and it's a miracle he can pass with such accuracy.

MF - Stephen Hunt [Reading]
1970s hair matched with an 1850s face.

MF - Nicky Butt [Newcastle United]
A babyface that tried to grow up a few years too late, a receding ginger hairline, freckles, and a Napoleon complex on the pitch. God is cruel.


ST - Carlos Tevez [Manchester United]
Fucking awful. Part dragon, part unibrow, part fetal alcohol syndrome. Move on.

ST - Marlon Harewood [Aston Villa]
The dome shines, it shines for thee. Suffers from the unfortunate disposition of having all his facial features crammed into the middle third of his face.

ST - Dirk Kuyt [Liverpool]
Ugly speaks every tongue. In this case, it speaks Dutch. A tireless workhorse on the pitch, an actual horse off it.


Manager - Sam Allardyce
Owner of the most wonderful jowls on earth.

3 comments:

Precious Roy said...

Unfrozen Caveman Forward was kind of a no-brainer, but no Rooney?

Man, thank God for him he's a world class striker or he'd get laid less often than the head of the local Manchester SCA chapter.

Precious Roy said...

And let me guess, Nicky Butt really wanted to be a dentist

ü75 said...

I don't know how we left off Jimmy Bullard. Sure, he hadn't played for 15 months or so, but we just plain blew it.