An Open Letter For An Open Thread

Dear English Premier League,

Hi, how are you? Just want to start out by saying, nice job. Not that I'm certain it has anything to do with something you've done, but the league this year has been awesome, especially in the bottom half of the table.

It's late January and there are only five points separating 10 teams from the drop. The bottom of the table is almost better than the top right now. I'm a total advocate for relegation in American sports just for that reason, but this isn't about our leagues as much as it is about yours.

See, we play football too. Only we use this oblong thing and we throw it around, and there's really not much "foot" involved in it at all. It's kind of a stupid name. But it's huge over here. It dominates the sports landscape in ways which defy explanation.

I mean they televise the fucking draft. And people watch it.

Our professional football (the National Football League) is having its championship next week. You've probably heard of it, it's called the Super Bowl. We like to pretend that the whole world watches it, but I can't fathom many people in, say, Ouagoudougou getting up in the middle of the night to take in a game that they don't even really understand.

Anyway, the way the whole NFL thing works is a bit like the World Cup. There's a kind of group stage—only this one last 17 weeks—followed by a knock out round. Now between the semi-finals and the final, the Super Bowl, they take 14 days off. Yes, there is actually a full off week to help build the hype or some shit like that. Or maybe give people a chance to reconnect with their families after 20 weeks of neglect. I don't know.

But that off week is this week. That means there's not a single fucking thing happening in American professional sports this week. Nothing.

Okay, maybe some college basketball, but seeing how 64 teams will get a shot to compete for that championship, this weekend's games are not really of consequence. It's not like a home loss at this point can cost you a title the way that a home loss and three dropped points to, oh, Stupid Fucking Bolton would.

To the point though, there are hundreds of thousands of men who have a pretty ingrained routine—put on a shirt with another grown man's name on the back of it, go to the bar a little before noon, start drinking and yell at television sets showing large men playing a game—who suddenly have this interrupted for one week. A little lifestyle hiccup if you will.

So, my suggestion (by way of a question) is: Why the fuck aren't you exploiting this hiccup?

This shouldn't be an FA Cup weekend. It's a great competition and all, but there should be Premier League fixtures today and Sunday. And among them should be matches between the Big 4—Manchester United, Chelsea, Arsenal, and Liverpool. Either do one a day, or even better, a double header on Sunday. That's the day that's already sacred to NFL fans.

Match those four teams up against one another (although might I suggest avoiding Liverpool v. Chelsea as those affairs have been a bit dull as of late) and promoting the hell out of it in the US. "While you're waiting for you're football, watch the world's football" or some shit like that. Push the kicks to late afternoon or early evening over there so that the starts coincide with what would be an NFL game kick over here. Sponsor watching parties at bars. Give away shit to get people out. I don't care what you actually do to market it, just do something.

The opportunity is there—again: there is nothing going on in sports this weekend, but there are millions of sports fans with 20-something weeks of conditioning to go watch sports—you should take advantage of it.

America is a huge market. If not in terms of size—certainly there are 3 times as many people on the sub-continent—at least in terms of dollars. And it is warming to soccer. The last World Cup, European Championship, and Champions League Final all exceeded ratings expectations over here.

Americans will gladly watch something when it's played at the highest level. And what's going on in Barcelona not withstanding, the English Premier League (suck it, Barlcays) is the highest level of league soccer in the world. Shit, even Wigan is pretty good this season.

So to recap: this is the bye week between the conference finals and the Super Bowl in the NFL. There is a lull in the America sports calendar that is just waiting to be filled, you, the EPL should fill it with your best—Arsenal, Chelsea, Liverpool, and Manchester United; Fabregas, Essien, Torres, Ronaldo.

There's my suggestion. It's yours to do with what you will. But you'd be stupid not to take it.

Hugs and kisses,
Precious Roy

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At it again!

Never far from controversy, Craig Bellamy has made the news again. Not for his pre-season goals but for allegedly, verbally abusing a female Ipswich fan as his West Ham side beat the scummers (Ip..Ip..Ip..Them!) 5-3 in a friendly on Monday night. Ashton scored a hat-trick (he also hates Ipswich). Get in Deano!

The woman claimed that Bellamy responded to her "on yer way Bellamy" (reportedly!) with a tirade of foul language.

West Ham have backed their man after reviewing the incident which 'happened' as Bellamy was walking along the sidelines on 22 minutes after being substituted. Bellamy is said to have kicked the advertising boards before the getting involved with the bin lady.

Now no one can blame Bellars for having a go at an Ipswich fan but C.B has certainly been no stranger to trouble.

There was assault in Newcastle City center, threatening behaviour at a Cardiff nightclub, the alleged attack of one John Arne Riise with a golf club (before the own goal!), an alleged 'chair throwing' incident involving Geordie coach John Carver, the $160,000 fine for calling Graeme Souness a liar (I have no problem with that one), a tunnel row with Terry McDermot and more recently he was cleared of assault in a nightclub involving a female 'admirer'.

Wow, has he been busy.

Bellamy when it all began.

Bellamy had so much potential as a teenager. He was an instant success on the pitch; off it, he was always cocky and a bit of a lad. Norwich coaches found him a real handful, but he was super talented and fast. Boy was he fast!

These days people don't remember that, he is known for the trouble that follows him more than he is for the football, and that's a shame.

At 29 Bellamy has a few years left and another chance to leave all the trouble behind and show the Premier League what a great player he can be. Whether he will take that chance this season or not remains to be seen.

-Bigus

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