David Beckham: not liked by Norwich schoolchildren

It's been a while since I had the chance to skewer Beckham, but it appears that his time might finally be up -- thanks to the children and toddlers of Norwich.

As more and more schoolchildren aspire to being megastars and massive celebrities, the kids of Norwich have their eyes on more practical professions like builder, fireman and steelworker.

Way to go, Norwich.

According to the Norwich Evening news, children they talked to idolized few celebrities, and the ones they did look up to included Hilary Duff and Frank fucking Lampard. [wrap your head around that one].

In addition, they wanted to take on everyday jobs, shunning the vacuous pursuits popularized by Beckham and his ugly robot wife.

However, they know that it's not all easy work, like the potential problems of being a scientist.Said seven-year-old Keira Poulton:

“If you were a scientist, you could make a potion that could accidently poison someone which would be very bad.”

Much like watching Spurs games every week.

I realize this story has a rather tenuous link to football, but at the end of the day, it's good to know that not every child is chasing the vainglory of the David Beckham or Ronaldinho lifestyle.

So, Mr. Beckham, I implore you: become a builder now. It's the only way for you to salvage any self-respect.

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Gretna Updates

The weekend has passed, and Gretna is still alive. The team is not completely out of the woods yet, but the skyline does seem a little bit brighter in the South of Scotland. Careful, though, Gretna well-wishers, things could fall apart at the drop of a hat.

The best bit of news to come through for Gretna since last week is that the SPL granted Gretna's request for an advance on their league finish bonus. The emergency loan was given so that Gretna would be able to continue this season, at least until the schedule split. Given that the split is five games away, I think they will make it. What happens after that is anyone's guess at this point.

So, with the future assured beyond the weekend, Gretna traveled to Aberdeen, and lost 3-0. On the plus side, Gretna was able to field a full team, complete with subs. On the bad side, they had to use mostly youth squad players, since the senior squad had not been paid.

So, with the away trip behind them, Gretna was able to look forward to this weekend's assured payday against Celtic. Sure, they have to play their home games in Motherwell, 75 miles away, but at least Gretna get the home gate. Well, they will still get the home gate, but Gretna are no longer allowed to play at Motherwell. The SPL deemed that Fir Park is too banged up to continue to support two home squads, so now Gretna play their home matches in Livingston, which is just over 100 miles from Gretna. It sucks when all fans at a match qualify as "traveling support".

Still, at least it's a game, right? Well, maybe, maybe not. It seems that those senior players who stuck around for the team are not too happy with not getting paid. In fact, they are so unhappy, they almost started to strike. The strike was quashed with an emergency payment, but the amount paid was well short of what was owed to the players. Remember, the SPL has gone on record that if Gretna fail to field a team for a match, they are out of the league, and that has its own set of problems for everyone else in the league.

Finally, if I had a wish on the matter, this would be the only story on Gretna that would have made it to the pages of UF. In the midst of everything that was going on last week for the team, it seems that someone forgot to lock the kit room. Twenty pairs of boots were stolen from the Gretna dressing room midweek, and as of yet have not been recovered. When it rains, it pours, I guess.

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Kids Say The Darndest Things

Kids suck. Well, at least kids I don't like, they suck. But the kids I do like, they are ok. The rest, though, they suck. They are whiny, noisy, obnoxious and dirty.

But, I gotta admit kids are sometimes quite humorous, especially when they start to have rational thought but lack that filter that most adults develop between their thoughts and words. Zinedine Zidane, if he didn't know this already, probably knows now.

On his recent trip to Brazil, Zizou toured the country and played an exhibition match or two.

But, his presence has led to an attack on his friend Ronaldo.

From the report:

Zidane was even more rusty come an indoor exhibition match a little later. He had already made a fan in 11-year-old Guilherme Gomes de Assis, who won a signed France shirt from the former world player of the year.

An excited Guilherme declared he would henceforth support France, taking a swipe at Brazil's ailing star Ronaldo. "Ronaldo is fat and no longer scores goals," said the boy. "I prefer Zidane."

See? No filter. Sometimes I wish I could live that way. "Yes sir, I completely understand. You are an utter moron that has no idea about what is going on. And, I am screwing your wife." But, alas, that cannot be. Thankfully, we have little whipper snappers (and anonymous blog posts) to serve these functions.

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The Good, The Bad, The WTF

I'm sure you would be very welcome to wear this at Parkhead.

Don't say I never do anything nice for you. Not only do I bring you some of the best worst shirts you will ever see, I also sometimes provide you with an eBay link to go purchase it yourself. This week's horror show, in honor of their failure in front of net against Aberdeen yesterday, is Celtic's away shirt from '89-'91.

Sometimes I just don't know where to begin. I guess the color scheme is as good as any. It's not that this is yellow and green together. I like yellow and green together, ask my wife. But it has to be a strong yellow and a darker green. This is some namby-pamby yellow mixed with a lighter green. It makes me think of scrambled eggs with some parsley mixed in. Good for breakfast, but not to wear around all day.

Then there is the pattern. I understand the impetus of the late '80s and early '90s to get away from what had been cookie-cutter, boring shirts. But let's pick one idea and run with it. Either go with the thin stripes or the chevron thingies. Using both is akin to a local artist who adorns her beautiful painted canvas with a mess of papier-mâché. I understand that you have multiple, great ideas. Take the time to flesh them out separately, please. Thank you.

If I have sold you on this shirt, follow this link. Right now, you can import this beauty to the USA for under $25. Hurry, though, you only have about a day left to pick it up.

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We are the Village Green Preservation Society

Rooney's house under construction.... no word on where the padded room will go

Anyone else love that Kinks album? Songs full of efforts to preserve the sleepy, small-town country life that used to exist up and down the country before urban sprawl. Ray Davies and co railed against big business and the influx of city-slickers looking for their slice of the Good Life.

Well, if that album had been produced today, they might have added another song, one that addressed the horrific, gaudy tastes of well-paid footballers.

The people of Alderley Edge, Cheshire, one of Britain's wealthiest villages, are striking back against the trend of footballers moving in and bulldozing bungalows in favour of high-priced mega-mansions.

And they're going to vote on whether or not they think the new buildings are spoiling the area.

Take that, Wayne Rooney!

The vote is being sought by the Edge Association, a community group that represents the rich and reclusive residents of the village, who are fed up of what's now known as "The Rooney Effect" after he and his fiancee knocked down a five-bedroom house in nearby Prestbury to make way for their $9 million mansion.

Said Edge Association spokesman Ian Standen:

"What we're concerned about is perfectly good houses being knocked down and redeveloped. It's changing the character of the village."

It's a hilarious situation that the North West's rich are putting themselves in. Simply, they don't want to share their old-aged utopias with the new wave of wealthy that's making their money in the area. Rooney, Michael Carrick, Roy Keane and Mark Hughes all live in the area, and England cricket star Andrew Flintoff recently moved in as well.

The vote is not binding by any means, but the Edge Association hopes to influence policy with the council next year. All the neighbouring villages will be paying attention as the drive to preserve historic houses and landmarks from the hands of football stars and their gaudy taste escalates.

We don't have this problem in Liverpool. We let our superstars live nearby, because let's face it: they're much easier to rob when they're right down the street.

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Scottish football team celebrates big promotion.... with soda

Champagne: not allowed in East Stirlingshire

Over the weekend, Scottish Third Division team East Fife won yet again, a 3-0 victory at East Stirlingshire that moved them to an unassailable 24-point lead at the top of the table.

Congratulations, East Fife! You're the champions, you're getting promoted, and it's time to celebrate, right?

Wrong.

The police confiscated all their champagne.

Directors of the club were warned that alcohol in glass containers was illegal in football grounds, and that the police would have reason to arrest and confiscate the bubbly should it be brought out. Fucking killjoys.

The police warned them several times to keep their booze on ice, forcing them to wait until they made it back to the safety and comfort of their local pub to toast their successes.

Said Chief Inspector Audrey McLeod, from Central Scotland Police:

"During the subsequent celebrations the bottles were produced and champagne was sprayed over the fans who were gathered on the pitch.
Officers again spoke to club officials, explaining the legislation again and highlighting the potential for glass bottles to present a health and safety issue, particularly with a number of families with children in the vicinity.
Following a brief discussion, the bottles were again removed."

Police 1, Common Sense 0.

I wish I had more of a joke here, but the story's hilarious enough. I'm just glad that the fine police of Central Scotland are doing their job and taking care of the real crimes in their jurisdiction. The thugs of East Fife FC must be stopped!

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Sven Will Save Thierry from Sad, Gloomy Barcelona, Promises Sunny Beaches of Manchester

Last week, you might have heard Thierry Henry telling Marca that he wasn't unhappy with Frank Rijkaard's system, just unhappy in general. And while he maintains seeing his daughter just five times in the last eight months has nothing to do with his performance at Barcelona, it would help his performance if he could see her more often.

Wait, what? Oh, and the accountants at Barcelona must be thrilled to learn that the club paid 24 million Euro for someone other than "Henry of Arsenal".

Whatever Titi was trying to say, Citeh boss Sven Goran Ericsson heard him loud and clear. Now Sven's #1 goal for the summer is to save Thierry from the dark cloud of sadness that envelops Camp Nou and to bring him to the City of Manchester Stadium.

This should work out well, because if the movie title is to be believed, the people of Manchester party for 24 hours at a time! And Spain is a sad, sad place – I know this because I have seen Pedro Almodóvar movies and Picasso's "Guernica".

And Henry isn't the only one in a funk at Barcelona. Knocking off Celtic in the Champions League turned out to be rather pyrrhic, with Leonel Messi going down in the first half with a torn thigh muscle again, raising questions about his long-term health. And former wonderboy Ronaldinho missed Thursday's practice and the team's trip to Almeria.

So it comes as surprise that Samuel Eto'o, the one member of the supposed "Magnificent Four" who looked to be the odd man out at the start of the season, is the only one of the quartet of high-priced forwards who's in form. And even he can't be too thrilled about Barça's current slump, which finds them closer to third place Villareal than to the La Liga-leading Real Madrid, after dropping two crucial points in a 2-2 draw at Almeria.

Now Barcelona finds itself seven points behind leaders Real Madrid and just two ahead of surging Villareal.

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How not to ingratiate yourself to a population

It's been a while since any soccer players have really said anything stupid or idiotic in the media, unless you count the almost-daily David Beckham self-updates about his playing condition, his skincare regimen, or his desire to make slippers.

However, Beitar Jerusalem's Croatian goalkeeper, Tvrtko Kale, has decided to throw his hat into the ring of poorly-timed, ill-conceived comments in the press.

In an interview with the Israeli TV Sport5 channel, Kale went on record about the Gaza conflict [scroll down].

Now, there are a whole lot of people wishing he hadn't.

Kale's ideas are simple and Bush-like in their focus. How do we deal with the problem? Simple: bomb the living fuck out of it.

"I get lots of SMS messages from my friends who ask, how is the constant Hamas shelling of Sderot and Ashkelon being allowed? How can the citizens stand this? And I remember how the Croats solved it when we had these problems: Shoot, kill, destroy, and then you have no more problems."

Kale was a soldier in the Croatian army during the battle for independence in the early 90s, so he can be excused slightly considering that before his soccer career took off, he did walk the walk somewhat.

However, you can't really excuse the idea of killing lots and lots of people, can you?

Here's a video of Kale in action, proving once again that it's virtually impossible to put together YouTube clips of goalkeeping. Check out his leaping save!

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Olympic Qualifying; Group Stage Final

As we American users say in the forums of hattrick when the Mexicans fail miserably: jajajajajajaja. USA, Canada, Guatemala and Honduras go through to the next round of qualifying, Mexico do not. Inside, a look at how that happened.

In Group A, we saw the reason the World Cup Finals play the final group matches at the same time. Before the USA-Honduras match even started, both teams knew they were going through. In the first match on Saturday, Panama took out its frustration on the undermanned Cuba squad, with Panama winning 4-1. At least Cuba was able to field 11 players this time, as Linares' suspension had been served. The result left both teams shy of the USA's point total, leading to a listless final match in the group.

The USA-Honduras match up was played as if both teams did not want to win the group. Results in Group B meant that the feared Mexican squad could only finish second at best, and the winner of Group A might have to face them. So both the USA, starting the day in second, and Honduras played the match not to win. The USA took it to the extreme when Charlie Davies sprayed a penalty about 3 yards wide of the right post in the 62nd minute. Davies earned another penalty in injury time, and a lackluster-so-far Eddie Gaven put it in the net.

Group A final standings (W-D-L; Pts; GD)
USA 2-1-0; 7; +2
Honduras 2-0-1; 6; +2
Panama 1-0-2; 3; +1
Cuba 0-1-2; 1; -5


In Group B, the sea change day was on Friday. Haiti pulled out a 2-1 thriller over Canada, but the real story was Guatemala defeating Mexico, also 2-1. It was Mexico's first loss at this level in 23 matches, and it propelled Guatemala into the next round.

On Sunday, the last two matches of the group were played. Canada, sitting on one point played Guatemala, who had already clinched first place in the group. Haiti, on three points, still needed a result to go through in their match against Mexico, who had their lone point from the Canada draw. If Guatemala played an inferior squad, it set up nicely for Canada to pip Mexico at the post, and it would appear that is what happened.

In the first of the day's two matches, Canada routed Guatemala 5-0. Will Johnson scored a brace on both sides of halftime, and Tosaint Ricketts added his own second-half double. The game was sealed in injury-time by Kyle Hall. Mexico now had a seriously pitched uphill climb ahead of them in the second match. The Mexicans came out quickly and put one in the net in the first 20 minutes. Mexico also caught the benefit of an early red card as Haiti's Aveska was sent off in the 26th minute. After Mexico went two up in the 61st, they had the mental breakdown that would lead to their tournament demise. In the 62nd minute, Leonel Saint-Preux broke through the Mexican defense and scored. Mexico, previously even on goal difference with Canada, now had to pull at least six goals to advance. They ended up with five, which might cost Hugo Sanchez the senior team job as well.

Group B final standings (W-D-L; Pts; GD)
Guatemala 2-0-1; 6; -3
Canada 1-1-1; 4; +4
Mexico 1-1-1; 4; +3
Haiti 1-0-2; 3; -4


The semifinals of the tournament, and the de facto Olympic bid finals, will be held on March 20 in Nashville. The matches are Guatemala-Honduras and USA-Canada. The first one should be a barn burner, the second one will (hopefully) be a walkover.

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The Bigus Tripus Roundup.

The Ricoh Arena: "Your ground is too big for you" (and your pies are shit.)

Well I am back. 0 for 2 with no goals and 2 red cards. Either I am unlucky or are Norwich are just shit at the moment? I have never been very lucky but unfortunately for me the later is the correct answer to that question.

Our trip to Coventry was certainly a fun day out. It's just a shame that the Norwich line up treated it in the same way. They were shocking. Spanish new boy Juan Velasco juant the wrong way letting Jay Tabb inside to score the games only goal 6 minutes in. Velasco was substituted on 21 mins and has not been seen since, nor is he likely to be.

I won't bore you all (or few) with a match report... needless to say the game was forgettable. What was I talking about again? Ah yes Coventry! We were crap and the referee lost his mind. Lets hope he finds it before we see that fucker near a Norwich game again.

Packimo (Michael Packard) indicates that the pies are so so. He later retracted this statement and called them 'shite'!

On to the pies. Generic steak and Kidley......... Thats what I said diddle I? Sorry, could not resist that one. The Ricoh is a great ground. Just like most new stadiums. Shame the people of Coventry don't agree. The place was like a morgue. 18,000 were inside but 4,000 sitting in our end.

Packimo was a little delicate on the way up to the Ricoh. I had introduced him to bitter and a decent curry the night before. Not to mention the magical beer scooter than runs from Soho to Stevenage (where we were staying - Up the boro!) at light speed powered only by Cobra.

Packimo grew fond of the bitter rather quickly! (second from the right)

Someone mentioned Ipsw...Ipsw..Them! (It's obligatory and my arm just springs into action on its own)

A night out back home is not complete without shoving your money into a machine with flashy lights (magnets to the drunk) and pushing the buttons in no particular order until you realize that you are going to win fuck all and have just missed the train while doing so.

"Ooooooooooo. Flashing lights and a spiny thingy"- Garry 'Gal' (QPR) Phillips shows Packimo how to lose 20 quid in just under 90 seconds. Wasting money seems to be a popular past time for QPR fans these days.

Sunday brought Packimo a trip to White Hart Lane. I gave my brother-in-law (another yid supporter) my ticket and sent them packing with a broken bottle and a manual on how to start a fight in the club shop over the last Berbatov 9 carat gold M-sized chav ring.

I stayed home and introduced my little angel (foreground) to her cousin. AHHHHHHHHH.....

Packimo returned with stories of Berbatov's alleged brilliance (Yids won 4-0) while waving a Spurs beanie bear. "They only had ten men" I sang over and over and over and over again.

We went to a little country pub in Aston in the evening and had a heated discussion with an Irish Liverpool fan.

- "IIIIIII'mm suo disappointed that they haven't won tha layygue in suo laang."

- "Get over it you spoilt twat. How many trophies do you want in 20 years. I just endured a nine-man morris dance in Coventry. Knob."

Packimo let him have it too.

The pub was so taken with the first American the place had EVER seen that they let us drink after hours. The land lady was wasted... maybe that was the reason.

Monday arrived and I was chuffed at the thought of heading to Colney (Norwich training ground) for a visit and a look at how we would defend Stoke's long throws the following night. The weather was the worst for years. Howling winds up to 80 mph and driving rain. A hurricane in England! Just my luck. We stayed in. So did the team apparently!

Later in the day we made a short trip to JJB sports in Stevenage to waste money on a lot of crap. Packimo bought a Spurs piggy bank and I bought my little boy and England shirt. Idiots. We are aware!

I also bought Lingering Bursitis some Frazzles. They made it home but are now more like Frizzles. Packimo sat on them at one point and so did I come to think of it! Sorry mate.

On Tuesday night we were invited to join Ex Norwich player and Radio Norfolk commentator Neil Adams (top man) and his family for dinner in Delia's restaurant before City played Stoke at Carrow Rd. Had a great time. The food was delicious.

Before dessert we were picked up by Norwich legend Jeremy Goss and walked through to the Gunn Club (named after legend Bryan Gunn) where he interviewed us in front of 300 as part of his hosting duties. Packimo was on good form and even sang to the crowd. They laughed and I laughed at him. Seriously though it was like watching Robin Williams at a Comedy club. I don't know what he was on but I wanted some!

I told a story about an Ipsw..Ipsw...IPSW...scummer that lives above the Norwich bar (George Keeley's) in NY and talked about the NY Canaries (http://www.nycanaries.com/) . Mike closed out with a song he had heard days earlier and another dig at the state of Coventry's pies.

We watched Norwich lose to a long throw from Rory Delap from a box owned by a Guy named Garry Mansell. A top fella!

Again I will not elaborate on the match as it is still too painful. Oh go on then. It wasn't that bad we played a lot better than we had against Coventry but still couldn't hit a barn door with a banjo. Cureton missed another sitter in the dying moments (similar to Coventry). Stoke, however, were crap and are a one-trick pony. They are very tall and physical like Watford. They will be destroyed in the Premier League if the go up. All they want to do is keep the ball in the air and exploit long throw-ins.

The following day we headed home with twice as much crap as we went with. I had eaten so many scotch eggs that I had the bug and craved more. Yesterday I whipped out the Delia Smith cook book and made my own. They are bloody hard to get right I can tell you. 4 left the pan burnt (looked like onion bhaji's) and 2 were edible....just.

Ask me nicely and I'll make you some!

-Bigus.

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