Euro 2008 Team Profiles: Germany

Boooooo hiiiiissssssss. Ze Germans. Ze clinical heartbreakers. Ze vell-organized XI with gameplans und strategies-oh alright, I'll cut the bad, borderline offensive German accent.

Germany is a country I don't much care for. I'm expected to not like them very much, you know, after those World War things, and although the new wave of German people are only irritating for how arrogantly they cut into the lines at theme parks and wake up early to put towels on the best beach chairs, there's still some lingering hatred.

Not much, but it's there.

Most of the hatred is born from jealousy [hey, I'm referencing something I wrote a while ago!], because their team is pretty fucking good. Boring at times, methodical, relentless, difficult to watch, but still pretty fucking good.

However, they roll into this tournament with a relatively new manager in Joachim Low [who took over after the '06 World Cup], and with a 12-year trophy drought. This is unannehmbar for a nation that's won 3 World Cups and 3 European Championships.

So, what are they bringing to the table? A young team with tons of efficient, effective stars. A solid track record in internationals under Low, and an air of confidence and ruthlessness not seen since the Fuhrer [really, I'm sorry for that attempt at a joke].

That's why I'm picking them for yet another third place finish.

Germany: they're kinda like Liverpool. They always finish off the pace despite the embarrassing array of talent they should be using to overwhelm anyone standing in their way.

Perhaps we could call them Thirdmany?

SQUAD:

GK
---
Jens Lehmann [Arsenal, still]
Robert Enke [Hannover 96]
Rene Adler [Bayer Leverkusen]

DF
---
Marcell Jansen [Bayern Munich]
Arne Friedrich [Hertha Berlin]
Clemens Fritz [Werder Bremen]
Heiko Westermann [Schalke 04]
Philipp Lahm [Bayern Munich]
Per Mertesacker [Werder Bremen]
Christoph Metzelder [Real Madrid]

MF
---
Simon Rolfs [Bayer Leverkusen]
Bastian Schweinsteiger [Bayern Munich]
Torsten Frings [Werder Bremen]
Michael Ballack (c) {Chelsea]
Piotr Trochowski [Hamburg]
Thomas Hitzlsperger [Stuttgart]
Tim Borowski [Werder Bremen]
David Odonkor [Real Betis]

FW
---
Mario Gomez [Stuttgart]
Oliver Neuville [Borussia Monchengladbach]
Miroslav Klose [Bayern Munich]
Lukas Podolski [Bayern Munich]
Kevin Kuranyi [Schalke 04]

And now for the important questions:

(1) Could England beat this team?
Absolutely not. We've beaten them once in recent memory [although it was sweet... 5-1 in Munich with a Michael Owen hat-trick and a gorgeous Stevie G. goal back in 2001], but they're a cut above. They even beat us last August, 2-1, if thetre was any lingering doubt as to how crap England are against them.

(2) Can they win Euro 2008?
I believe so, although they're notorious for being strong out of the gate and fading towards the finish line. In '06 they were dominant against the likes of Ecuador and Costa Rica, but when they come up against an evenly-matched opponent like an Italy or Spain, they tend to get flustered and the confidence disappears. For me, it's all about whether Low can adapt to the adversity and battle through. They're great when they're under little pressure, but once you show some fight, they fold quite cheaply.

(3) What is their pre-made excuse for not winning Euro 2008?
Probably the lack of adequate preparation. The German domestic league isn't great competition by any means, their Euro '08 qualifying group provided little difficulty, and they're just not prepped. Their last friendly was back in March, and their last 5 games including qualifying for the tournament? A 3-0 defeat to the Czech Republic, 4-0 over Cyprus, a 0-0 with Wales (!!!), 3-0 over Austria and 4-0 over Switzerland. It's simply not enough heading into a tough competition.

(4) What is their biggest question mark?
Overcoming their mental issues. Simply put, this German team is great when the stakes are low. Throw them in the ring with Italy, and it all goes to pot. Their toughest opponent will be themselves in that respect. I doubt whether they can handle the rigors of facing the better Europeans teams.

(5) Who is their worst player?
I'll go with Jens Lehmann. He's 38, he hasn't played meaningfully for Arsenal for ages now (7 appearances this season. Seven!), and he's their first-choice option between the posts? Be afraid, people of Germany.... be very afraid.

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We are the Village Green Preservation Society

Rooney's house under construction.... no word on where the padded room will go

Anyone else love that Kinks album? Songs full of efforts to preserve the sleepy, small-town country life that used to exist up and down the country before urban sprawl. Ray Davies and co railed against big business and the influx of city-slickers looking for their slice of the Good Life.

Well, if that album had been produced today, they might have added another song, one that addressed the horrific, gaudy tastes of well-paid footballers.

The people of Alderley Edge, Cheshire, one of Britain's wealthiest villages, are striking back against the trend of footballers moving in and bulldozing bungalows in favour of high-priced mega-mansions.

And they're going to vote on whether or not they think the new buildings are spoiling the area.

Take that, Wayne Rooney!

The vote is being sought by the Edge Association, a community group that represents the rich and reclusive residents of the village, who are fed up of what's now known as "The Rooney Effect" after he and his fiancee knocked down a five-bedroom house in nearby Prestbury to make way for their $9 million mansion.

Said Edge Association spokesman Ian Standen:

"What we're concerned about is perfectly good houses being knocked down and redeveloped. It's changing the character of the village."

It's a hilarious situation that the North West's rich are putting themselves in. Simply, they don't want to share their old-aged utopias with the new wave of wealthy that's making their money in the area. Rooney, Michael Carrick, Roy Keane and Mark Hughes all live in the area, and England cricket star Andrew Flintoff recently moved in as well.

The vote is not binding by any means, but the Edge Association hopes to influence policy with the council next year. All the neighbouring villages will be paying attention as the drive to preserve historic houses and landmarks from the hands of football stars and their gaudy taste escalates.

We don't have this problem in Liverpool. We let our superstars live nearby, because let's face it: they're much easier to rob when they're right down the street.

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