The Bigus Tripus Roundup.

The Ricoh Arena: "Your ground is too big for you" (and your pies are shit.)

Well I am back. 0 for 2 with no goals and 2 red cards. Either I am unlucky or are Norwich are just shit at the moment? I have never been very lucky but unfortunately for me the later is the correct answer to that question.

Our trip to Coventry was certainly a fun day out. It's just a shame that the Norwich line up treated it in the same way. They were shocking. Spanish new boy Juan Velasco juant the wrong way letting Jay Tabb inside to score the games only goal 6 minutes in. Velasco was substituted on 21 mins and has not been seen since, nor is he likely to be.

I won't bore you all (or few) with a match report... needless to say the game was forgettable. What was I talking about again? Ah yes Coventry! We were crap and the referee lost his mind. Lets hope he finds it before we see that fucker near a Norwich game again.

Packimo (Michael Packard) indicates that the pies are so so. He later retracted this statement and called them 'shite'!

On to the pies. Generic steak and Kidley......... Thats what I said diddle I? Sorry, could not resist that one. The Ricoh is a great ground. Just like most new stadiums. Shame the people of Coventry don't agree. The place was like a morgue. 18,000 were inside but 4,000 sitting in our end.

Packimo was a little delicate on the way up to the Ricoh. I had introduced him to bitter and a decent curry the night before. Not to mention the magical beer scooter than runs from Soho to Stevenage (where we were staying - Up the boro!) at light speed powered only by Cobra.

Packimo grew fond of the bitter rather quickly! (second from the right)

Someone mentioned Ipsw...Ipsw..Them! (It's obligatory and my arm just springs into action on its own)

A night out back home is not complete without shoving your money into a machine with flashy lights (magnets to the drunk) and pushing the buttons in no particular order until you realize that you are going to win fuck all and have just missed the train while doing so.

"Ooooooooooo. Flashing lights and a spiny thingy"- Garry 'Gal' (QPR) Phillips shows Packimo how to lose 20 quid in just under 90 seconds. Wasting money seems to be a popular past time for QPR fans these days.

Sunday brought Packimo a trip to White Hart Lane. I gave my brother-in-law (another yid supporter) my ticket and sent them packing with a broken bottle and a manual on how to start a fight in the club shop over the last Berbatov 9 carat gold M-sized chav ring.

I stayed home and introduced my little angel (foreground) to her cousin. AHHHHHHHHH.....

Packimo returned with stories of Berbatov's alleged brilliance (Yids won 4-0) while waving a Spurs beanie bear. "They only had ten men" I sang over and over and over and over again.

We went to a little country pub in Aston in the evening and had a heated discussion with an Irish Liverpool fan.

- "IIIIIII'mm suo disappointed that they haven't won tha layygue in suo laang."

- "Get over it you spoilt twat. How many trophies do you want in 20 years. I just endured a nine-man morris dance in Coventry. Knob."

Packimo let him have it too.

The pub was so taken with the first American the place had EVER seen that they let us drink after hours. The land lady was wasted... maybe that was the reason.

Monday arrived and I was chuffed at the thought of heading to Colney (Norwich training ground) for a visit and a look at how we would defend Stoke's long throws the following night. The weather was the worst for years. Howling winds up to 80 mph and driving rain. A hurricane in England! Just my luck. We stayed in. So did the team apparently!

Later in the day we made a short trip to JJB sports in Stevenage to waste money on a lot of crap. Packimo bought a Spurs piggy bank and I bought my little boy and England shirt. Idiots. We are aware!

I also bought Lingering Bursitis some Frazzles. They made it home but are now more like Frizzles. Packimo sat on them at one point and so did I come to think of it! Sorry mate.

On Tuesday night we were invited to join Ex Norwich player and Radio Norfolk commentator Neil Adams (top man) and his family for dinner in Delia's restaurant before City played Stoke at Carrow Rd. Had a great time. The food was delicious.

Before dessert we were picked up by Norwich legend Jeremy Goss and walked through to the Gunn Club (named after legend Bryan Gunn) where he interviewed us in front of 300 as part of his hosting duties. Packimo was on good form and even sang to the crowd. They laughed and I laughed at him. Seriously though it was like watching Robin Williams at a Comedy club. I don't know what he was on but I wanted some!

I told a story about an Ipsw..Ipsw...IPSW...scummer that lives above the Norwich bar (George Keeley's) in NY and talked about the NY Canaries (http://www.nycanaries.com/) . Mike closed out with a song he had heard days earlier and another dig at the state of Coventry's pies.

We watched Norwich lose to a long throw from Rory Delap from a box owned by a Guy named Garry Mansell. A top fella!

Again I will not elaborate on the match as it is still too painful. Oh go on then. It wasn't that bad we played a lot better than we had against Coventry but still couldn't hit a barn door with a banjo. Cureton missed another sitter in the dying moments (similar to Coventry). Stoke, however, were crap and are a one-trick pony. They are very tall and physical like Watford. They will be destroyed in the Premier League if the go up. All they want to do is keep the ball in the air and exploit long throw-ins.

The following day we headed home with twice as much crap as we went with. I had eaten so many scotch eggs that I had the bug and craved more. Yesterday I whipped out the Delia Smith cook book and made my own. They are bloody hard to get right I can tell you. 4 left the pan burnt (looked like onion bhaji's) and 2 were edible....just.

Ask me nicely and I'll make you some!

-Bigus.

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Bigus Tripus, part 4

While I shake off the last of this flu that's been plaguing me, and while I wait for Bigus and RZM to file more reports [too drunk, too full of pies], I'll dust off RZM's interpretation of Saturday's Norwich game, sent from an iPhone and containing more spelling errors than Vince Young's Wonderlic.

Get into it, RZM, and try not to mention how much you love Dimitar Berbatov....

I do not know where to start. I will not even go into details re Friday evening 7 pints and a curry. You know for a fact that I am "Two Pint Pack", so 7 was a big effort. Saturday a.m the day began with a very hung over Packimo rolling out of bed to a banging on my door.

Bigus Dickus and Bigus Dickus Sr. were up and ready to hit the road in their neon yellow Norwich kits. After I managed to get dressed we hit the road for the Midlands, Coventry City here we come.

As we were zooming up the M1 I quickly realized that everyone on the road was heading to a fixture somewhere in the country. That thought was validated as we made a pit stop at The Watford Gap rest stop (Nowhere near Watford). Everyone going inside for a coffee and egg sandwich had a kit on. Leicester, Oldham, Barnsley (Well done mate), and of course Norwich City.

We made it to Coventry approx 1:00 and headed to a pub dedicated to away supporters. Coventry is clearly not the wealthiest town in England and I really should not have been surprised that the pub did not have Sky Sports. Instead of having Man U-Portsmouth we had to settle for Rugby. (Crap).

We met up with some Canaries that Bigus Dickus met on the Norwich chat sites, and as you would expect they had the personalities of people who hang out on Norwich chat sites. Not the funniest bunch but overall were good people. After the previous evening I surely was not going to drink again yet Bigus had the Tetley's [Ed. Note: the English Ale, not the tea] on the table before I could decline. 2 Tetley's later we were off to the Ricoh arena for the 3 p.m kick off.

Walking up to the Ricoh I was very impressed with stadium. Very modern with all of the amenities that you would expect in a modern stadium. We walked in and I had a shite Carling in a bottle and a rather dodgy steak and kidney pie. My stomach was not pleased that I made such a poor decision.

Anyway it was now time to head for our seats. This is where I got scared. We were in the JEWSON stand row SS. What the fuck is that about?

A New York Jew has to sit in the JEWson stand in row SS. Not the best feeling in a country of 4 jews. When I did make it up to our seats they were in a sea of yellow, approx 3800 Canaries in full voice.

No need for a match report, Norwich lost 1-nil. Great atmosphere, shit footy. Tomorrow I am off the White Hart Lane for proper football and a proper club!! C'mon You Spurs!

Read more on "Bigus Tripus, part 4"...

Bigus Tripus, part 3

First full match report up, as they're filing on the way home from the most dismal, dreary part of the Midlands.

So Bigus, how did things go?

Coventry 1, Norwich 0.

Well that was well worth flying 3500 miles for.

If it was not for David Marshall, we would have lost by 4.

Let's start with the first 15 mins. Roeder started with a 5-man midfield who had no idea how to execute that formation, producing nothing but confusion. We couldn't keep the ball for more than ten seconds.

Juan Velasco was skinned twice and the alarm bells were ringing. He then showed Jay Tabb inside, creating a free shot, and that was one-nil. Off came Velasco to cap an outing to forget.

Will we see him again? Let's hope not.

He is not a patch on Otsemobor.

Roeder immediately realized the mistake he had made and changed to a 4-4-2, bringing on Cureton for Camara to keep Dublin company up front. He had been very lonely.

Pearce had replaced Velasco after 20, and Doherty moved to right-back. We were still awful and couldn't produce anything but long hoofs and wayward passes.

The Referee was one P. Taylor and his performance was woeful. He could not get the whistle out of his mouth and stopped the game about 15 times for no good reason. The game had absolutely no flow.

We started the second half a little better and looked as if we were going to get going.... then it happened. A second yellow for Doherty and we were down to ten. He should have gone in the first half as he performed his usual pull-down routine when beaten at the edge of the box.

This time, however, a nothing incident gave Taylor the chance to open his little book once again. Russell argued with him and tempers were up. Taylor had it in for Russell from then on and found a weak excuse to produce a second yellow to him not long after. Nine men.

The game was over. Cureton had a good effort saved at the death but judas between their sticks saved well. It would have been a stolen point and undeserved, but I'd have taken it.

At the end of the day we were crap in the first but the referee ruined any potential for a good second.

The Ricoh is a very nice place to see a game. Its a shame that most people in coventry disagree.

Attendance: 18,000... 3,500 to 4,000 were from Norwich.

Chant of the day: Your ground's too big for you.

- Bigus.

Packimo: not impressed with his first meat pie at an English ground

Read more on "Bigus Tripus, part 3"...

Bigus Tripus, part 2

Well, the lads are still going strong, and it's the full Day #1 of the odyssey. They're up, and on their way to Coventry...

10 am. Packimo is feeling a little fragile today. He has discovered a new-found love for bitter. Especially Director's. I too had to bust out the neurofen [Ed Note: Advil]. It was that last Cobra at the Rupa Tandoori that did it! The rupa is my favourite restaurant anywhere in the world and if you are ever in soho then pop up brewer street and give it a go.

There were lively discussions at the table over the Premiership's 39th game. Split decision.

Packimo was also impressed with our trains. He is now going back to NY to demand 40 miles in 23 mins from the MTA.

Packimo is a Spurs fans but he was highly impressed by the Emirates stadium as the train rumbled by... in fact he was so enamoured he forgot to spit.

10:35. Just introduced packimo to the scotch egg.

Note: Bring some back.

- Bigus.

Read more on "Bigus Tripus, part 2"...

UF Presents: Bigus Tripus 2008

At UF, we're trying to get into the experience business, instead of merely reporting on the sad and the hilarious from the futbol world. Precious Roy has his excellent TWAG column, and we're planning a few field trips for the spring and summer once the MLS season has kicked off.

As such, Bigus Dickus has stepped up and decided to take a little jaunt across to the UK, his homeland [and mine too], to take in 3 games of varying quality and a couple of training sessions at Norwich City over the next 5 days. He has Relegation Zone Mikey, the erstwhile Spurs fan and butt of many jokes in Hirshey's Deadspin column, along for the ride, and they'll be sending field reports from their travels.

Saturday, they're off to see Norwich City at Coventry [been there, the old stadium was great], Sunday it's Spurs at West Ham, no doubt to try and wash off two consecutive embarrassing defeats, Monday it's off to Norwich for their training sessions [and maybe even a stint on Radio Norfolk], and Tuesday night concludes the journey with Norwich at home to Stoke City. Yes, it's the highs and the lows of the EPL and the Championship.

Without further ado: Bigus' first report. There will be more.

Flight left an hour late but we got a touch when they called me up to let me know they were moving me forward to world traveller 'plus' and giving me the entire row! Leg room too! Note: travel with a baby! You also get on first!

Felt bad as Packimo [Ed. Note: RZM] looked on sad and desperate with the fate of one being sat for 7 hours next to a fat old snorer with a Birmingham accent, a weak bladder and no leg room. Gave him the 'come on son' nod and hooked him up.

He was asleep before we took off. Bastard! So was Ivy (see pic). Once we were airborne she retired to her 'crib' which was essentially a box with a blue checked tea towel in it. No expense spared.

Which brings me to the in flight meal: Chicken. One bite. Gone.

Question. Was that chicken? Note: Best not to ask.

Read the Times and noted that Matt Hughes described Chelseas football against Olympiacos as "cold-hearted professionalism" so in other words, "crap".

"The Greeks came bearing the gift of qualification, their ambition so limited that it was a wonder they had travelled at all".

This is my slap to all those misguided Chelsea fans like my mate Q who watches amazing football through his blue-tinted glasses.

"3 nil!" he emails. Get excited when you draw someone good pal. From the look of what's left that will be rather soon! For now, you are Bolton.

Unlike Packimo, I havent slept yet so I look forward to filling my arteries with a greasy breakfast offering upon arrival before taking a nap to prepare for 6 pints and a curry. Packimo is in for a treat. Taking him to one of the best curry houses on the planet tonight after some beers and a catch up with some friends in Laaaandon.

Note: This has been sorely missed.

Tomorrow we will head to Coventry to see Super Glenn's Super Yellows at the Ricoh Stadium. An early start is required to make it to a pub called the Blackhorse in time for United v Pompey and a few beers with some City fans I know from the NCFC message boards.

Sad git I know!

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