Phil Brown Gets His Comeuppance

Does this man look trustworthy to you?

Remember that whole brouhaha regarding the Hull City v. Arsenal FA Cup match? Remember how Hull City were whinging about Fabregas coming onto the pitch after the match despite not having played, and how they accused him of spitting on assistant manager Brian Horton? Remember how the FA cleared poor maligned Cesc of all wrongdoing?

Yeah, suck it Phil.


The FA has decided that Phil Brown was the one who misbehaved, fining him £2,500 ($4,100) for his comments regarding Mike Riley's officiating of the FA Cup tilt against Arsenal. Brown's most notable comments after the match were not appreciated:

"We've not been beaten by Arsenal; we've been beaten by the referee and the linesman. The game was turned on its head when the referee succumbed to local pressure."

Given the steep nature of this fine, I am not quite sure how Phil will manage to maintain his daily sessions at the tanning bed. He may have to resort to laying on the beach with common folk.

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Did Hull Even Get A Brochure?

I doubt it. What brochure do I refer to? This one, that Lingering Bursitis told of last week. But while the glossy book featuring Owen's career was sent to Everton, Man City, Arsenal and Liverpool, plus a few select top European clubs. Only ONE seems interested in saving Mr Owen from a trip to Peterborough next season.

While team Owen try to sell brand Owen to some of the top clubs in the world, just one team are trying to sign the forward. Hull City. Team Owen were trying to attract a top club, by sending the book, a glossy effort filled with images and facts, highlighting Owens achievemnents and stats.

Under 8 weeks remain until Newcastle kick off their Championship campaign at the Hawthorns against West Brom, and Owen is still a Geordie. He may have thought that a host of clubs would be eager to sign him. A player, to be fair, who has a very impressive record. But those days are gone and that lengthy knee injury has stolen most of Owens pace. He was not a first choice towards the end of last season and this did not go unnoticed.

While Hull haven't made a firm offer to Owen, who is a free agent on July 1, they are certainly planning to.

"He has got a proven track record as a goalscorer and that's an area we are keen to strengthen. However, it would have to be on the right terms." -Hull Manager Phil Brown.

Should Owen join Hull City, it will be another nail in the coffin of his career. One that started brightly and promised to deliver years of consistent goalscoring for club and country. At just 29, Owen should be playing at his best. In his prime. Still, I am sure he could find the net for Hull and would be an upgrade on what they currently have. Wherever Owen plays next season, I am sure it won't be Newcastle. For that to happen he would need to sign a new deal, for a Championship club.

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Windass Gets A Game

Jackass, I mean Windass. Joker Dean to get a farewell from Hull City.

He was on the Hull bench all of last season. He bitched about it and ended up on loan to Oldham. But now Dean Windass is getting a gold watch, in the form of a one off game in August.


Local lad Windass is a Hull favorite and fired the Tigers into the Premier League with a spectacular strike (see bottom) in the Colaship play-off final last year, but the Premiership was out of touch. At 40, Windass couldn't expect to be a regular in Hull City's Premier League team could he? He did!


SeeeeeYa!

Anyway, the stocky striker is now getting a game to wave goodbye to the fans. There are no details of the match yet, but one suspects that it will be part of Hull's pre-season preparations.

Windass scored one solitary Premier League goal last season against Porstmouth in November. Windass has played for 12 teams throughout his career and scored 201 goals. Impressive. He also holds the record of oldest Hull striker ever. It is likely he will now head into a coaching role. Possibly with current team Darlington.


Absolute belter. Note the pass from Fraizer Campbell, on loan from Manchester United. Campbell is deciding whether to re-join Hull, but permanently this time for 6 million smackers.

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UF Quick Throw: "Back and to the Left" or "Fabregas Cleared"

The FA thinks Brian Horton is a big, fat liar. Or at least that's the inference we're making as they cleared Cesc Fabregas of both improper conduct charges levied against him by Hull City FC (the biggie being that he spat on Horton).

The verdict was apparently handed down a week ago but the FA asked all parties to keep it on the DL. This means Phil "I'm Orange Not" Brown is likely be the only person to receive a disciplinary beat down from the FA.

Ha ha.

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Relegation: it's full of conspiracies

For all the perceived machismo in soccer (C-Ron not withstanding), it can descend into banter and vicious gossip more in tune with that of the local sewing circle. And with the final EPL weekend of 2008/09 looming on the horizon, the brewing discontent on Tyneside is hard to ignore.

It's also rather hilarious.

Right off the bat, Alan Shearer, he of the bland punditry and blander managerial nous, is pointing fingers in the direction of Sir Alex Ferguson and threatening to tell teacher that he's not playing fair.

With United's trophy secured and a more important Champions League final to prepare for, there's every chance that Fergie's side will be rather, ahem, depleted in their final league game against Hull City. Of course, Hull are right there in the dogpile for the drop, and Shearer's not happy that the perma-tanned microphone wearer Phil Brown might have an advantage in the fight for survival.

Of course, we'd be remiss in mentioning that the Magpies have had countless opportunities to climb out of the hole since Alan's arrival, and that Shearer should spend his Monday evening watching hours of Aston Villa game tape instead. One win and 2 draws in his 7 games as Newcastle boss isn't very good, is it?

What we forgot to mention was the "special" relationship between Ferguson and Brown, presumably derived from the latter's constant attempts to rattle Arsenal's cage. Fergie helped Phil get a job at Derby County back in 2005, and the two have enjoyed a friendship for many years. There's also the whisper that SAF still loathes Alan for turning down an offer to play for Man United back in the 90s. Considering the grudge-holding reputation of the drunk Scot, I wouldn't be surprised at all.

As one would expect, Phil is mumbling pleasantries and the usual pre-match jingo about "expecting no favours" and "working hard" and "it won't be easy." On the inside, he knows it will be simple, although given the Tigers' form since October 28th (2 wins and 9 draws in their last 28), they'd have a hard time beating the United U-10s.

Meanwhile, in his high chair at St. James's, Alan wonders whether he'll get any help from his Match of the Day cohort, Martin O'Neill. The prognosis appears grim. Shearer is trying to get Bassong's red card overturned so he can play in the final game (good luck with that, Alan), but other than that, there ain't much sunshine in their future.

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Phil Brown Has A Helluva Son

There's a silver lining ahead for Hull City Manager Phil Brown: In the Championship nobody will give a shit about your kids.

But for now the Tigers are still in the EPL (suck it, Barclays) and still above the drop. So you get to know that Phil Brown's kid, Jamie, is a cokehead.

Brown, 49, told the Hull Daily Mail he was concentrating on saving the struggling side from relegation despite the arrest and caution of his son Jamie for possession of drugs.

That's laudable and all and probably what the fans want to here, but maybe the fact that you seem to be indicating the team is more important than your family is the reason your kid is doing rails in the bathroom of a Newcastle nightclub to begin with.

To be honest, this isn't really that big of a deal. A line of blow is apparently now cheaper than a pint in England. They're both drugs. One just happens to be legal. And it's not like he was caught with 50 kilos.

It's not even that he was caught that makes this worth bringing up, it's how he was caught. The 25-year-old Jamie Brown was picked up after being found slumped over outside of a club. Huh? Dude, cocaine is suppose to wire you. Are you sure you're doing it right?

But there's one critical difference between Brown's son and his team. At least his son knows how to score. Zing!

Anyway, add "model father" to the things you can predicate to Phil Brown along with "captain of a sinking ship," and "orange."

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Arsenal-Hull City FA Cup QF Open Thread.

Boy that's a lot of info to try to get into the title line.

We, of course, tend to care much more about Arsenal than Hull, so let's hit the Arsenal news. Almunia is out after Diouf tried to break the Spanglishiard's foot off at the ankle. Clichy is said to be sitting as well, while Arshavin really wants to play but may be out due to eight stitches in his foot. Eduardo is lightly injured again and--news flash--Rosicky is never coming back.

Hull have some no-names back, some no-names injured or cup-tied, and Geovanni back in form just in time to repeat his heroics at Emirates. Great.

Full Lineups:
Arsenal: Fabianski, Sagna, Djourou, Gallas, Gibbs, Walcott, Diaby, Song, Vela, Arshavin, van Persie. Subs: Toure, Nasri, Denilson, Silvestre, Mannone, Bendtner, Eboue.

Hull City: Myhill, Dawson, Ricketts,Halmosi, Zayatte, Ashbee, Barmby, Geovanni, Gardner, Fagan Manucho. Subs: Hughes, Duke, France, Garcia, Mendy, Folan, Featherstone.

Enjoy it. Comment away as usual. Pagination is encouraged but not required.

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The Shadow Premier League Gets Its Second Team

This all started when The Offside received a Cease and Desist letter from the EPL's (suck it, Barclays) licensing arm, Football Data Co—and if that's not a sexy name, we're not sure what is.

Seems the EPL doesn't like people using their teams' logos and crests and such without their permission

Anyway UF's response was that of any sane entity: to roll out a giant wooden badger (Woot! Two posts, two Python references... it's going to be a good day).

So during some down time while watching the Montreal Impact in the CONCACAF CL last night (yes, we watched it, yes we need help—although 55,000 for a soccer match in Montreal is awesome; nice job Canada). Where were we? Ah, so that time produced the second in the series of EPL logos we might have to resort to using once we all get threatened.

We make a non-binding promise to roll out one of these for every Premier League club. Although we're kind of lazy and often times don't follow through. I don't think we ever even held the final of the FA Cup of Rock.

We understand the need for the EPL to protect their images and such. And we certainly hope we're not at the level of running enough afoul to attract attention but we just find this whole thing childish. Perhaps Football Data Co could instead come up with an agreement for the blogs. Allow limited usage. Specify terms under which it's copasetic.

If not you can see where this might head: A complete shadow league where Narcthistle United plays Pottymouth FC and Livelpool plays Assenal and the results are strangely always identical to the EPL results and it's just stupid.

Again, we'd like to thank Hull City for injecting some sanity into this. Almost solely on the basis of not being twits (and Phil Brown's awesome tan) we wish them enough points to stay up.

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EPL Liveblog: Hull City v. Tottenham Hotspur

Sorry Likely Lad... Spurs' Glory Days are just as far back in history

Why do we keep doing this to ourselves? Why do we continually subject our souls to this pain and suffering?

I'm not talking about the dismal weekend that just passed, aka "The Weekend the EPL Died", but the unenviable task of liveblogging a game between two teams about as attractive as Dirk Kuyt, and about as successful too.

It's the Battle of 13th vs. 16th!

Why do all signs point to this being awful? Well, Hull have lost 6 of their last 9 in the EPL (the other 3 games being draws, one of which was probably against Liverpool), and it's becoming increasingly difficult to remember the halcyon days of late October, when Hull were perched in 3rd place having accumulated 20 of their 29 points. Since then? 9 points from a possible 48.

Meanwhile, Spurs are sitting on pillows after the "Rape at Donetsk" and 'Arry tinkers with the lineup ahead of the Carling Cup Final on Sunday. Oh, and they've only managed 1 EPL win in their last 9.

I fear the worst.

Join me after the jump for tons of words describing the eye-bleeding nightmare from the KC Stadium. Here's hoping Spurs find some form before trying to topple Sir Alex Ferguson's Quintuple-Chasing Jenga.

Starting Lineups:
--
Hull City, in a "park the bus" 4-4-2: Duke, Ricketts, Turner, Gardner, Dawson, Marney, Ashbee, Zayatte, Kilbane, Garcia, Cousin.

Subs: Myhill, Doyle, Barmby, Geovanni, Halmosi, Manucho, Mendy.

Tottenham, in some kind of attacky, diamond 4-4-2, maybe: Cudicini, Corluka, Woodgate, King, Assou-Ekotto, Lennon, Jenas, Palacios, Modric, Keane, Bent.
Subs: Gomes, Zokora, Bentley, Huddlestone, Pavlyuchenko, Dawson, Chimbonda.

Referee: Lee Probert

Spurs are mired in rotations, so Keane and Bent will have a crack up-front while Gomes gets some rest ahead of Sunday, presumably because picking the ball out of the net 4-5 times against United will prove quite energy-sapping.

Hull, meanwhile, have dropped Geovanni and Mendy to the bench (why, I'm not quite sure; they're two of Hull's best players) and brought in Kevin "The Human Mule" Kilbane and Ian Ashbee, presumably to kick lumps out of Luka's legs while holding down the midfield.

We're almost ready for kickoff... Phil is right to feel dread. After all, Hull's PA system is playing that ominous song by Fatboy Slim/DJ Shadow/RJD2 (I forget who it is... sad, I know) that gets all the Northerners reet fired up for a good evenin' out.

Big Sam is in attendance, presumably with a few Sudoku puzzles tucked in his pocket for the dull moments when he's not scouting Blackburn's next EPL opponent.

And there's Robbie Keane with the armband, trying to get the lads fired up in the tunnel. And a Nick Barmby sighting!

As the teams spill out, I think I hear that dreadful song by one-hit "wonders" (and I use the term loosely) Republica. It's hard to find a worse song than that one. Really.

For further proof, consult the video:



Nevermind that, we're ready for kick-off!

1 min: Hull kick off, and immediately hoof it forward. Why am I not surprised?

3 mins: There's Bernard Mendy, warming up after arriving late (thanks, Ibra). Hull win their first corner, which Andy Dawson readies to take...

... and it coulda-woulda-shoulda been 1-0 Tigers! An unmarked header for Richard Garcia in the thick of the six-yard box, but he puts it off-target and despite good work by Gardner to keep it in, the chance is gone.

6 mins: Sam Ricketts does his best Jose Bosingwa impression, sprinting free down the right but failing to do anything with the possession. Spurs clean it up, and then Andy Dawson comes in late on Aaron Lennon, but gets no card.

8 mins: Nevermind, as Dawson gets his card barely a minute later, needlessly shoving Lennon to the floor after he beats him inside for pace. Spurs now have 82 minutes to get Dawson sent off, as he's clearly up for it.

10 mins: Some pressure for Spurs, with their second corner in quick succession. Modric ruined the first one, so he'll try again. It's cleared easily by Kamil Zayatte.

Palacios and Zayatte clash heads, and both appear to be a little dazed. Sorry lads, you're not hallucinating or concussed: you are actually playing in a Hull v. Spurs match on a Monday night.

12 mins: Hull are camping down at Tottenham's end with some good pressure. Corluka gives up a couple of throw-ins, and then concedes a corner under pressure from Cousin. LFC should buy Ricketts, because he is a full-back who appears to be able to cross the ball. Jenas heads over his own bar for the 3rd Hull corner already. Dawson takes, and Woodgate nods it away.

16 mins: Communication Breakdown, it's always the saaaaaaame.... especially when you're Spurs. A speculative long ball by Ricketts brings Cudicini off his line to collect, but Jonathan Woodgate has other ideas! He flicks it back to his keeper but it ends up flying past Carlo's shoulder and slowly towards goal. Luckily for Wooders, Cudicini gets back just in time to stop it going in.

Good spell of pressure for Hull, and Spurs don't appear that capable of stopping them. I repeat: Phil, you were right to be worried.

16 mins: Hull have a couple of shots at goal, to no avail. Spurs break down the other end via Darren Bent, but Gardner tackles him perfectly in the box and concedes a corner.

Modric to take...

... GOAL GOAL GOAL GOAL, and that takes the pressure off, doesn't it? Some dreadful, dreadful defending from the short corner catches Hull out. Modric plays it short to Aaron Lennon standing all alone at the top of the box, and no-one closes him down. He controls and shoots, curling it inside the left post with only Ian Ashbee making the effort to stop him. Pathetic effort at the back by Hull. Hull City 0, Tottenham Hotspur 1

18 mins: Hull come close to equalizing immediately! Zayatte gets through on goal, miraculously, burning past Corluka, but his touch on the ball is lead-footed and Cudicini slide-tackles the ball to safety.

20 mins: The Tigers aren't entirely done yet, but Ashbee's lucky to escape a yellow card with a cynical late tackle on Keane when it looked like Hull's defense was beaten yet again. If Ashbee doesn't trip Robbie, then Darren Bent is 1-on-1 with the goalie. Having said that, there's no guarantee that Bent would finish even with those good odds.

23 mins: Saying the game had become "scrappy" would be an understatement. Darren Bent thinks he's won another corner, but the ref says it's a throw. It was obviously a corner, for those keeping score at home. That's how unexciting things are at the moment.

The last 5 minutes, in bullet-point:

- throw-in
- throw-in
- corner
- tackle
- free-kick
- throw-in
- sideways passing
- complete and utter boredom

26 mins: Ugly stuff. Hull get a move going with a long ball to Cousin. He holds it up and gives it to Ricketts wide. His cross is ballooning a mile away from goal, but Corluka decides to thigh it behind for a corner, just to make sure. They waste that one, but then win another corner as Ashbee's cross gets deflected behind...

GOAL GOAL GOAL GOAL, Michael Turner. It all comes back to that needless corner conceded by Corluka. The theme of the day is "absolutely woeful defending".

On corner #2, Cudicini shows why he's better off collecting paychecks on the bench for the better part of a decade, coming to collect the corner but muffing it miserably. It takes a knock towards goal, and Turner bundles it in. Is it just me, or should Spurs spend 50 million pounds on Iker Casillas? Nevermind, it wouldn't make a lick of difference. I'm beginning to think there's a curse on Spurs goalkeepers. Hull City 1, Tottenham Hotspur 1

Definitely one of the worst goals you'll see all season.

28 mins: Danny Cousin attempts to atone for the ugly goal by ripping a wicked shot from 20-odd yards, but it's narrowly wide of the post. Good effort.

30 mins: Another corner for Spurs. Modric delivers right in the danger area, but Woodgate's flick lands at Ledley King's feet. From 8 yards out, he does what you'd expect him to do: spoon it over the bar.

33 mins: Hull with more good pressure. I'd put money on 'em scoring again before Spurs do. The last 10 minutes have seen Hotspur playing headless chickens while Hull try to grit, spirit and hustle the ball into the net.

Dean Marney lofts a cross to the back post, but Garcia can only half-volley it wide.

'Arry looks livid on the sidelines. I don't think he's happy with his squad. AGAIN. Expect the post-game chatter to involve him eviscerating the old boss for the players he's now forced to work with.

37 mins: Spurs' midfield has become as effective as wet toilet paper. Palacios loses possession and Hull break with Garcia, but his through-ball to Cousin was too heavy, not that it mattered; Danny C was a mile offside.

Spurs have subs warming up already. Both Dawson and Pavlyuchenko have been forced to jog and tip-toe down the sideline. Will we see the rare sub before half-time that isn't due to injury?

39 mins: THERE! I SEE ROBBIE KEANE WITH BALL AT HIS FEET! He gives it to Aaron Lennon, presumably so he doesn't have to do anything, and Lennon wins a corner. Modric tries it short again as the Tigers only send one out to defend, but it is cleared rather easily. Don't bring that weak cross action into Michael Turner's house.

40 mins: Ahh, a shame, that. Hull with another great move, cued by another good, strong run by Sam Ricketts. He played Marney free wide on the right and continued his run, meeting Marney's cross in the middle but it was just an inch too high for him. His free, open header ends up wide of Cudicini's goal.

42 mins: Ian Ashbee shows why he's the Hull captain, lumbering into Modric's stomach/forehead with his boot and getting a yellow card for his neanderthal challenge. Spurs put the free-kick deep, but Keane-o is offside. Whoops, Robbie.

44 mins: It's all rather frantic in the midfield as Hull throw themselves at the ball with every opportunity, breaking up the middle yet again with Kevin Kilbane. Modric trips him for no apparent reason (Kilbane was all alone moving forward), and gets himself a yellow card. Dean Marney and co. stand over the ball, 30 yards out, ready to take.

Andy Dawson takes it with his left foot and bends it high and wide over the top.

2 minutes to be added on... I wish it weren't true.

45 mins + 1: Robbie Keane is whistled for a foul in the Hull area, much to his amazement. That spell at Liverpool has done wonders for his confidence.

Darren Bent is then caught offside in pursuit of a long ball, surely meaning the end of this first half. I really hope it is the end.

HALF TIME: Hull City 1, Tottenham Hotspur 1
Not the worst match I've ever seen, but it's coming close. The Tigers are running rampant in midfield, but only have that one bundled goal to show for it. Meanwhile, Robbie Keane and Darren Bent have shown themselves to be complete and utter shit.

To illustrate, another song from the melodically-challenged band, Republica:



The combination of that needless techno beat, mixed with those lazy pop-rock guitars, makes me want to murder Lucas Leiva Andrea Dossena someone.

And we are back.

48 mins: Spurs win a corner off Turner and take it short to Lennon, but he wastes it. It's cleared as far as Jenas, and he does more than he's done all day, skipping past one challenge and crossing from the byline, but Zayatte heads it out for a corner.

Spurs try the same trick, taking it short to Jenas who's standing much where Lennon was when he scored, but it amounts to nothing. Still, Hull fail to clear, and Bent forces a decent save with a low volley.

The Tigers counter and win a corner of their own, the 13th corner of the game.

Cudicini makes a mess of it again, and it drops to Kilbane who shoots on the turn, blocked at the last second by Lennon.

51 mins: But wait, another Spurs corner! Zayatte clears it without too much trouble.

52 mins: It's all happening now! The corner is cleared as far as Robbie Keane. The Irishman dribbles to the edge of the box and cuts it back for Palacios, and his volley is blocked by Antony Gardner. The defender didn't know much about that, considering the speed on the shot... surely a goal if Gardner's chest didn't absorb that one...

... and it's another Spurs corner. It's cleared after Jenas fluffs his shot, but it comes to Modric, who dribbles past Turner but takes one too many touches and puts his cross/shot over the bar. Goal kick Hull, and a temporary lull in the flurry of corner kicks.

55 mins: Duke shanks a backpass right to Robbie Keane, and in trying to lob the keeper, he chips it 10 yards wide of the post. Not good, Robbie. I wonder which of 'Arry's relatives could have scored that. His nan? his aunt?

It's all Spurs thus-far in the second half, which inevitably means they'll concede a goal shortly.

57 mins: Lennon has a chance to run straight at the Hull defense, but he takes a touch too many and feeds Bent wide, but Bent's pull-back is smothered by the goalie.

Then, at the other end, Cudicini tries to mess up a decent cross from Dean Marney, not catching it but punching it down into the turf right in front of Cousin before collecting it on the bounce.

Another Spurs corner! I cannot keep up. Modric wastes it.

59 mins: Darren Bent can't control the long ball, and the video cuts to a crimson-faced 'Arry on the touchline, gesticulating wildly and yelling to anyone who will listen.

Hull win a corner off Ledley King, and it's Marney to take from the left...

... Cudicini bitch-slaps it to safety, and when Ricketts floats it back in, Gardner is a mile offside and the danger disappears.

Spurs break with Lennon in the middle, and Palacios wins ANOTHER CORNER when his weak cross is deflected behind. Don't worry Tigers fans... Modric wastes it.

It's alright though, as they win another f*cking corner off Sam Rickett's back. Modric puts it to the back post, where Darren Bent fouls in the air. Dismal. By my count, 22 corners thus far?

63 mins: Nothing of note happening. Just more wasted corners and long throw-ins. Spurs do at least have some stability in the midfield so far in the second half, but they're doing as much with it as Hull, that is to say, nothing.

Dear oh dear, Aaron. With a good, quick attack, Lennon cuts it back to the top of the box, where it finds Ian Ashbee. Hull break down the left with Dean Marney, but Kilbane puts the header into the side netting from close range.

66 mins: Lennon is bundled down 25 yards out, and Modric actually delivers a good cross. He floats it onto Corluka's noggin, but his free header skims off the top of the bar. Nice work by the Croat duo.

Phil Brown takes a second to make a substitution, removing Daniel Cousin in favour of Bernard "Tardy" Mendy. Here comes the 4-5-1, folks...

70 mins: It's become very sloppy. A few fouls, a throw-in here and there. Robbie Keane just lost possession in the Hull area while trying to make room to shoot, and Pavlyuchenko is ready to enter the fray at the next stoppage.

But who will he replace? Bent, or Keane? Which storyline will the press harp on endlessly in response?

72 mins: Yep, and it's Dazza Bent. An utterly crap game by the No. 10, and here comes a Spurs striker lacking in confidence to replace a Spurs striker lacking in confidence. The other Spurs striker lacking in confidence is still on the pitch, while the only Spurs striker with confidence continues to rehab his injury. Hilarious, really.

74 mins: Corner to Hull, after great defending by Ledley King to deny Marney some room.

It's corner #20, so I was wrong earlier.

Mendy fouls Palacios, apparently, although it looked like the Spurs midfielder wrapped himself around Bernard's legs first. That said, it doesn't matter. The long ball to Pavs is a waste, as the Russian is offside.

Discussion Question:
Which Russian striker will have more of an impact in the EPL over time? Arshavin, or Pavlyuchenko?

76 mins: Corner #21, this one for the home side. What will they do with this one? Andy Dawson to take...

... so close!! Kamil Zayatte has a free header, and puts hit off the far post with Cudicini beaten. Hull have Corner #22 immediately, but Zayatte puts that free header agonizingly wide.

Darren Bent is on the bench icing the side of his head, presumably to soothe the perforated eardrum he just received from a furious 'Arry. The cold stops the bleeding, apparently.

79 mins: Hull make another substitution, bringing off an exhausted Dicky Garcia and putting Manucho on for the final 10 minutes.

80 mins: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzHull caught offsidezzzzzzzzzzz

Tonight's attendance was almost 25,000. I am amazed.

Mendy's offside again, and the vein in Phil Brown's temple begins to bulge ominously. He's not happy, and neither am I... this game has been rubbish since half-time.

82 mins: Dean Marney has time and space to run and shoot, but it's blocked by Woodgate for a throw-in.

Andy Dawson has a head injury, as he dared to clash with the mighty Pavlyuchenko. He looks alright, however. It's the rest of us that are worse for wear.

85 mins: Pressure for Spurs, as Duke slices his clearance out for a throw-in. Jenas has a shot, but Gardner gives up another corner.

Modric to take short to Lennon...

... and GOAL GOAL GOAL GOAL. The most undeserved goal in the history of anything ever. The corner is bungled, as one might expect, but Assou-Ekotto picks up the pieces, loses his marker on the left wing, and floats in a wonderful cross that Jonathan Woodgate powers in at the far post. Not much Hull's backline could do about that, but shit... the law of averages would dictate that after some 14-odd corners, you'd get one right. Hull City 1, Tottenham Hotspur 2

Phil Brown puts on Giovanni to replace Zayatte, as a desperate late move.

'Arry puts Zokora on to protect the lead, removing Aaron Lennon.

88 mins: Woodgate cannot stop putting his head on things! After meeting that BAE cross a minute ago, he puts his head on Corluka's elbow and splits his eyebrow open. Claret spilled everywhere! 'Arry brings him off and gives Michael Dawson a run-out, against his brother. What intrigue!

90 mins: Cudicini does well under a cross for once, leaping and holding onto the ball under pressure from Marney.

4 minutes of added time, and if the result holds, a cruel twist of fate for a Hull side that looked good value for at least a point.

90 mins + 2: CORNER FOR HULL. Can they steal an equalizer?

The cross is met by Cudicini's fist, but Spurs can't scramble it too far from goal and Robbie Keane gives up a throw-in deep at the Spurs end.

It's cleared to Andy Dawson, but he puts a cross out for a Spurs goalkick. D'oh.

90 mins + 3: This is it, folks! 70 seconds from victory for a crap Spurs team that'll have trouble keeping the score under double digits on Sunday. I will be sure to report back, as I'll actually be at that game. Should be good.

A long ball into the Spurs box is flicked on as far as Geovanni, but he can't meet the flick and Cudicini collects.

FULL TIME: Hull City 1, Tottenham Hotspur 2
A rubbish game of football, but Spurs get a win thanks to Woodgate's forehead. The home crowd boo and hiss, while 'Arry and his limp-wristed lads climb up to 14th.

The winless streak for the Tigers continues, and Spurs are now 5 points clear of the drop. I'm not entirely convinced they'll avoid it, but this massive away win will help.

I'm off to bathe in chloroform to get the stink off. I feel dirty for having watched that. Thanks for playing along in the comments!

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Jimmy Bullard In Colorado to Ski Have Knee Surgery

It seems the tweak of Jimmy Bullard's knee is a little more serious than just a tweak. According to the Hull City official website, he's got a small tear in his cartilage.

We're a little confused by this episode—titled "The One Where Fulham Fucks Hull"—because here at UF we like Fulham (Deuce), Hull (for being smart about dealing with the media—and WSD listeners will know more about that), and Bullard.

If Fulham knew about the injury, then it makes sense they'd unload him during the transfer window. Bad on them if they shipped damaged goods (and bad on Hull for not doing due diligence).

But didn't the breakdown in new contract negotiations occur well before he was shipped out from Craven Cottage (meaning that the lack of contract from Fulham couldn't be injury related)? He made an appearance for Hull. Was he already injured when he played? Or is it just bad luck for Hull and their record £5M signing?

Bullard has already somewhat famously come back from one horrific injury which put him out the better part of a year and a half. We'll just hope this is something he can recover from quickly. If not, we're not sure who we're going to have to stop liking.

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Kinky King Charged

You may remember that Boro/Hull/Watford loanee extraordinaire Marlon King was arrested while playing for Hull, for alledged assault on a woman while partying in London's Soho area. Well King has now been officially charged with sexual assault and assault occasioning actual bodily harm.


Also, as the details of King's late night faux-pas come to light, I can reveal that the bar King was in at the time of the incident is a well known strip club. No, Bigus has not been there, but I did work in Soho for 12 years and know of its existence!

But alas, all good things come to an end....A quick look at the 'bars' website will reveal that the famous old titty bar has finally closed its drawers, I mean doors, for good. It seems that even the sex trade is on it's arse in this bad economy.

As for King, he is set to appear in court on February the 25th and if found guilty, he could be loaned out yet again, this time to the jail house XI Sunday team.

The glamorous life of a footballer, eh?

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UF Quick Throw: Bullard on the move?

Sky Sports News has just reported that Fulham have accepted a bid of £5 million from Hull City for Jimmy Bullard. Details (well, links) as they appear on the interwebs.

Requisite linkage. Who would have guessed it would be from Sky Sports?

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EPL Liveblog: Hull v. Aston Villa (aborted at HT)

So... one team's let in 9 goals in 2 games, and the other just snuck a point against Arsenal. Who's your money on this afternoon?

Phil Brown's on-field dress-down of his rather inept team can have one of two effects. Either they'll keep performing badly, or they'll get one of those life-affirming, heroic wins against all odds.

Starting Lineups:
Hull: (4-4-1-1) Myhill, McShane, Turner, Zayatte, Ricketts, Mendy, Garcia, Ashbee, Halmosi, Barmby, Cousin.
Subs: Duke, Doyle, Fagan, Geovanni, Hughes, King, Giannakopoulos.

Aston Villa: (4-3-3) Friedel, Reo-Coker, Knight, Davies, Luke Young, Milner, Sidwell, Petrov, Barry, Ashley Young, Agbonlahor.
Subs: Guzan, Harewood, Delfouneso, Salifou, Shorey, Gardner, Osbourne.

I am hoping for some goals, and against that Tigers backline, it's to be expected. No way does Sam Ricketts shut down Ashley Young for 90 minutes.

5 mins: Not a whole lot to report early on. The battle for midfield supremacy is only just beginning.

Defiant against the laws of nature, 138-year-old Nicky Barmby gets the ball out of Friedel's grip as they challenge for a high ball, and promptly bundles it into the net under pressure from Bald Brad and Mr. Reo-Coker. The ref gives a free-kick to Villa, which on replay is rather unfair. Should have been 1-0. Barmby is unimpressed.

10 mins: The pundits frequently gush about Villa, and rightly so, for their three-pronged attack that's (gasp) HOME-GROWN! Ashley gets a yard of space on the wing and turns McShane inside out before whipping in a weak cross that gets knocked out for a corner. It amounts to nothing. Still, you have to fancy them coming forward. It's the stuff of nightmares for a backline as sieve-like as Hull's.

14 mins: So far, the match is crying out for a hero, someone to kick things into life. It's not going to come from long balls to Agbonlahor that ends up safely in Boaz Myhill's hands, however.

David Pleat's voice is music to the ears, however. Hull have only won 1 of their last 10?!?! 20 points from their first 9 games, and only 7 points from their next 10. News to me, as they're still in the top 10. It's a wonderful league where you can fail that much and still look at an outside shot for a UEFA Cup berth.

16 mins: Hull start to find their feet, with Bernard Mendy causing all sorts of troubles down the right flank. His skidded cross misses everything as it flies across goal, with Peter Halmosi just unable to get a toe on it. I dare say this game is coming to life!

20 mins: Villa play the equivalent of forcing a square peg into a round hole, as their tactic of choice involves the long ball. Look, you have three incredibly fast, kinda-fragile players up-front who love the ball at their feet. This lofted pass rubbish isn't going to work.

Shit, and just like that, the feed has gone. Bear with me, folks, as I place a call to this shady website.

35 mins: Back up-and-running thanks to u75, and it appears I haven't missed much. Mendy was called offside rather unfairly, forcing some action from Friedel, and that's about that. Uninspiring stuff at the moment.

As I type that, Ian Ashbee puts a neat ball into the box forcing Curtis Davies to head over for a corner. Barmby wastes it.

David Pleat insists on filling every space with inanity, and I almost wish one of these teams (or both!) would do something to perhaps silence him. Barmby wins another corner on the left via Nigel Reo-Coker's leg. Barmby takes a rather illegal penalty, not putting any part of the ball in the corner triangle thingy before taking it. He's done it twice now, and Eagle-Eye Pleat has spotted it and opined at length about how long he'll get away with this practice.

And yes, the fact that I'm writing a lot about illegal corner-taking practices does indicate that the action's been rather crap thus far. It's enough to make me punch a part-time DJ.

40 mins: Pleat suggests that the away team "need some kind of strain" to get going. I wonder if such a strain could be equal to the strain David Pleat puts on the English language.

Sam Ricketts sputters in a weak cross, Villa clear zzzz... uh-oh, trouble for Hull! Steve Bennett is in the mix, giving Zayatte a talking-to as he bundles Gabby down once the striker turned him. Zayatte's already in the book, and he narrowly avoids seeing the 2nd yellow.

That's been the biggest event of note thus far. Gaz Baz squanders the free kick and Hull clear.

42 mins: Rather unwatchable stuff thus far, as Villa stick to their gameplan of hoofing it to space and hoping that Agbonlahor can out-sprint everyone to the ball. Yet another Hull corner, and yet another corner wasted. They keep the pressure on around the area, but McShane puts the cross over Friedel's bar, much to the chagrin of anyone watching this drivel.

45 mins: We will endure a minute of added time, and we will ponder the futility of both sides thus far in what's possibly been the worst half of football I can remember this season. I feel like I should at least write something on this liveblog, but there's nothing noteworthy in the game whatosever.

45 mins + 1: Oh look, another overhit cross. Friedel makes a dog's dinner of this one again, going up for it and then fumbling it right in front of goal. Steve Bennett gives a free-kick as Bald Brad was actually touched by the Hull player this time, but really, we'd be better served watching paint dry.

Half Time: Hull 0, Aston Villa 0


Aaannnd, the feed is gone. I'm quitting on this one. So bad, so awful. Sorry folks, it's unwatchable anyway, so maybe it's a sign from some higher power that I'm not supposed to watch this game.

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Hull's Star Hitman.

Hull hit man Marlon King has turned out to be one off the pitch, as well as on. Mr King was arrested yesterday for punching a woman in the face, in a bar in Laaandons trendy west end last weekend. Yes you read that right, he punched a woman in the face, alledgedly breaking her nose.



“He was repeatedly pestering her and grabbing her bottom. She kept asking him to leave her alone and at one point he just turned and punched her. It was not a slap and it looked like she had a broken nose. There was blood dripping on her clothes and handbag.” -Eyewitness report.

Married father of two King was apparently annoyed at his alleged victim after she spurned his advances, including a cheeky pinch on the botty. Nice. Police are in possession of CCTV footage and the victim is said to have a broken nose and cut lip.

King was celebrating Hull's 2-1 win over Middlesbrough on Saturday night, a game in which he scored from the penalty spot. But he certainly couldn't score on Saturday night and was a long way from the celebrations at home. London is 200 miles from Hull, but not far enough for a Premiership footballer to get away with assault. Mrs King will not be amused!

King has been bailed to appear in court in Feb.

Bigus.

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The Geovanni Magical Mystery Tour Continues

No, that's not a picture of Bigus. It's Joe the pub-goer, who is thrilled about the run of success that his club, Hull City, is having in their first trip to the Premiership. After gaining promotion from the Championship thanks to a 1-0 playoff win against Bristol City, many had predicted that Hull would be sent right back down. We at UF predicted a little better. For now, Hull are doing quite a bit better than anyone predicted.



Hull City have started off their first season of top-flight football with 20 points from their first 9 matches on a record of 6 wins, 2 draws, and only 1 loss. This puts them at the top of the table after today. Given that Chelsea and Liverpool play each other tomorrow, there are two possible results for Hull: (1) Chelsea and Liverpool tie, leaving Hull in 3rd place but only 1 point behind the leader; or (2) either Chelsea or Liverpool win, leaving Hull tied for second place with the loser of that match.

Aside from the wonderful job that Brown, the gaffer, has done, the early success of Hull City can be attributed largely to Geovanni. After scoring only 3 goals in 19 appearances for Manchester City last season, the Brazilian has already scored 4 goals in just 7 appearances this season. His diving header against West Brom today came from an excellent bit of skill by Marlon King, but was an exhibition of Geovanni's lethal finishing.

Can Hull City continue to pull off both the big shock wins (e.g. against Arsenal), the sturdy away wins (e.g. West Brom), and continue to handle business through the end of the season? Can Geovanni keep up this goal-scoring pace? I'm not sure if either is possible, but being already halfway to the magical 40-point "safe from relegation" total, I think that we will continue to have fun watching this club move through the EPL (suck it Barclay's!).

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A New York Yankee In King Arsene's Court

It's Monday morning and Bigus is still sleepy from a lazy weekend of watching footy, playing with Bigus Jr, napping and enjoying Smuttynose IPA a little too much (I have been re-born). I am certainly in no shape to offer you anything interesting today . That is why when my mate Scotty Olivenbaum told me he was stopping off in Laaaandan to watch the Gooners play Hull last Saturday, on his way to Switzerland (Go Rangers), I whiffed an opportunity. I aksed Scotty if he wouldn't mind taking a few notes between bevvies and writing up a report. This was Scotty O's first Arsenal game EVER and he should be held completely responsible for Geovanni's thunderbolt. Join Scotty after the jump for a virgin's report of the unexpected!





Let me first introduce myself to you fine soccer football
folks: I'm Scotty Hockey. I like hockey. A lot. But, I have always
held a passion for footy that usually concentrated itself upon the
almighty World Cups. After '94 I became a Dennis Bergkamp fan and a
year later, I visited London about the same time he signed with
Arsenal, so I became an Arsenal fan.

I always watched the Gunners from afar but I'll be honest, I am too
obsessed with hockey to call myself a Gooner. When the Rangers (the
New York ones) announced they would play in Switzerland, I figured it
would be a prime opportunity to stop in London and finally see an
Arsenal match in person. So I signed up for the membership, got myself
a ticket and went to Emirates on Saturday. Before you jump, yes, I am
apparently a jinx. My bad. But it was soooo good, let me tell you.
Instead of boring you with a blow-by-blow narrative, I will break it
down into bullet notes, since you don't know how I speak (rant) and
bullet points are just so much easier to read:

*See? You read this and it's a bullet point. Proving my point already ...

Ok, now, seriously, some observations and experiences:

*Before the match I heard a Hull fan say, in regards to being at
Emirates, "It beats going to Macclesfield, that's for sure." Let's
face it, these fans were just happy to be in London and their team had
nothing to lose, that should have been warning number one.

*Emirates, by the way, is just stunning. Granted, this is someone
coming off of seeing Barcelona lower themselves to play on the "pitch"
at Giants Stadium a few weeks ago, but it is a beautiful building with
gleaming green grass that would be perfect on a PGA Tour green.

*Somehow, though, the place had no pretzels. What the hell?? How can
you properly enjoy a pint (or three) without a pretzel???? Is it
because pretzels were German creations and, if not for us Yanks, you
would be German citizens? I didn't drink; I couldn't (but certainly
should have). And to top it off, instead of pretzels they served
doughnuts and Pringles!?!? I just don't get it.

*I also don't understand why, for all of the history of the club, the
most used chants by the fans were made up of repeating the word
"Arsenal" again and again and aaaaa-aaaaaa-gggaaaaaiiiinnnn.

*But at least there was some chanting, after hearing about the
Highbury Library, I expected a mausoleum but after some prodding by
the passionate away fans, the Gooners picked it up.

*It appears that hockey fans picked up an unfortunate trend from their
elder footy relatives - yelling "SHHHHHOOOOOOOOT!!!!!" anytime anyone
gets anywhere near the box, no matter which direction they are facing
or who is near.

*I mentioned 'elders' ... but there didn't appear to be many old
Arsenal fans. For a franchise that is over a hundred years old, the
stands were packed with legions of fans donning brand new kits. I
counted to JVC jerseys and a handful more O2s. That's it. Either
everyone has the money to buy new kits constantly, or they jumped on
the bandwagon with the undefeated season. Either way it isn't a good
thing. ('Throw back' is not something English people get. In fact wearing old jerseys
renders you open to utterings of 'gypo' as you pass your fellow fans in Tesco's. I have every Norwich home and away shirt since 1988. I could have bought something useful..I know-Bigus)

*That's another thing: the team should offer up some older kits - and
not just the 1989 redux. It's bad enough that I - a nonpracticing Jew
- picked the Gunners instead of the Yid Army, but I refuse to buy
something that outright supports hebe-hating Arabs. Call me racist -
I've been called worse by Islander fans - but I found their
announcement wishing Jewish supporters a Happy New Year amusing. Maybe
it was just because they asked the Jews who were going to celebrate
the holdday to give their tickets up to charity for free ...

(www.Toffs.com Here you go...Gypos!-Bigus.)

*Ok, back to football for a few. Oh Dennis, where have you gone?
Arsenal's set pieces sucked and they surrendered most of their corner
kicks by just tapping a short pass and dribbling in from the wing. How
dreadfully dull and ineffective, especially against a squad that
overloaded the box with smart defenders.

*Arsenal kept giving up space and field position and Geovanni
capitalized with an astounding shot (game highlights here).

*And thanks to the reaction of folks around me to the Hull goals, I
have successfully added the words "git", "slag" and "wanker" to my
vocabulary. Thanks guys.

Now don't think I have jumped ship, I haven't, but I'll end this
chanting along with the victorious fans: woa-oh, woa-o-a-oh, this was
the best trip I have ever been on.

Scotty.

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EPL Previews. To Hull and Back?

4/11. That's what the bookies are offering on Hull to be relegated from their first year EVER in top-flight football. Not looking good for the Tigers, is it?

As you can see from the picture, the KC is ready to rock. The newish stadium will be hosting top flight football and Hull's arrival in the Premier League will be announced with a bell!

Can they do it? Survive a year in the best league in the world? Well, Reading did it. Ip...Ip...Ip...Them, they did it. Fulham did it. It's getting harder but not impossible. If any of the three promoted teams have a chance at surviving the coming season, I reckon it's Hull. Now let me tell you why.

The KC... looks Premiership-ready to me!



Hull play football [Ed. Note: hang on, stick with him from here]. They put the ball on the ground and play football. This is the first tick in the "staying up" box. They will try to be competitive.

Stoke will do the opposite. They will try and muscle teams and play long ball, frustrating their opponents and keeping the ball as far away from their talented opponents feet as possible as they urge the ref to blow the whistle. But when Stoke inevitably concede, they will have nothing going forward at all to worry Premiership defenders. Sidibe and Cresswell? Ouch.

Another tick in the box for Hull is the home crowd. Hull could sell out the KC twice this year and the joint will be noisy. Why they didn't show up last year is baffling but there you are, Hull is a rugby town and apparently they only take note of the footy when the big dance comes to town.

Hull is also a trek for many teams and their fans, and any visitors will be greeted by a cauldron of noise. 25,000 fans eager to be the 12th man in their first ever season in the top flight. Home advantage will count for a lot with Hull... obviously not when Chelsea, Liverpool, Arsenal or United roll into town, but the Tigers will fancy their chances of nabbing some points with the rest.

The team...

While Stoke and West Brom have carefully thought about their attempts to stay up and the implications of going down, weighing up the budget and cautiously scouring the wage bill, Hull said f--- it! They got to work early and manager Phil Brown attacked the transfer market like a wild, crazy, early morning, get it first, go for it... beast.

Boateng has plenty of Premiership experience! Hull will need it!

Brown camped outside the shop overnight and was the first to dive into the bargain bin. In came genuine Premiership midfielders Geovanni and Boetang. Geovanni was a bench player for Man City but Hull will be happy with what he will bring and they are not chasing a place in Europe but just a 'place' come May!

They also signed defenders Bernard Mendy from PSG and Anthony Gardner from Spurs. Defence is Hull's strong point; they were already good in this area and conceded just 45 goals from 46 games last year, good for third-best in the Championship! They have strengthened at the back and wont be a push over, however, this is the only area of the pitch that has any depth.



Geovanni: Will he get playing time at Hull that he didn't at Man City?

Hungarian winger Peter Halmosi arrived from Plymouth and striker Craig Fagan was rescued from Derby. Hull are still short in attack but they are still shopping. The latest pair to join the party could be Marlon King and Chelsea bench dweller Claudio Pizarro, who will need to take a drop in wages as he is currently on 3 million a year at Chelsea! (f------ ridiculous!).

If Hull sign these two players they will have enough tools to have a really good go at staying up. Fagan, Folan and Garcia will not trouble many defenses, but realistically Hull ARE going to get a couple of competent strikers. They have not spent much but they would have busted the wage structure with the new signings, for sure.

The quality of Brown's signings so far would suggest Brown knows what he is doing, and he has his eyes on doing enough to keep the Tigers up. I would also expect at least 3 to 4 more players to arrive over the next couple of weeks.

The newbies will join a squad of Championship players, but Reading were no different when they were promoted (Shorey, Kitson and Hunt come to mind) [Ed. Note: Shorey is Villa's problem now, ha]. Some of these Championship players will settle in, step up and look like they belong in the Premier League. Sam Ricketts will certainly be one of these players.



In Boaz Myhill they have an excellent young keeper. Myhill was born in California but chose to play for Wales (His mother is Welsh!). He will need to be at his best if Hull are to avoid the drop. He is one to watch. By the end of this season he will be well-known to most Premiership viewers.

It's going to be tough for Hull and they are going to need to keep Boateng and Geovanni healthy (as they do not have Premiership quality in depth) if they are to survive, but Hull play nice football and by the time they kick off at home to Fulham next week they should have a new attack in place. They are also going to require a massive effort from their inexperienced squad but the first year will be a honeymoon period and Brown should get the drive needed to pick up enough points.

They may not have a long-term Premiership future but the passion and effort to prove themselves in their first year against some of the best teams in the country will spur them on. Bigus is a hopeless romantic when it comes to stories like that of Hull City and I have been wrong before! But I see Hull getting stuck in and upsetting the form book this season. They will surprise a few teams at the KC, pick up some points on the road and beat the drop.

Prediction? 16th.

-Bigus

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Premier League 0 Hull 4

Congratulations to Hull City for making it to the Premier League for the first time in their history, where they can look forward to many a trouncing next season.

(It will probably be quiet here for the next few days -- have a nice Memorial Day weekend!!!)

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The Good, The Bad, The WTF

Last week I highlighted a kit that some had decried as ugly, but which I though was quite attractive. Today, I will do none of the same. In fact, when your kit is voted the worst of all time in a (small) poll of Britons, well, it's just plain bad. If we had a jump, I'd save it for afterwards, but instead here it is:


Ladies, does that drive you wild with primal delight? Men, do you fear for your safety? Kids, do you want to pet the guy in front of you while cooing "kitty"? I'm guessing that the last reaction is most likely. The only think I can think of that would be worse to wear is if they made an entire kit out of these socks.

Oddly, though this shirt was only used for one season, the next one used was little better. As you can see on this page (scroll down), they next time out they went with a shirt that looks like what happens to carbon paper when you crumple it up tightly. Luckily for Hull City fans, their club chooses a much more sensible combination of colors today, even if they have that Umbro mess under the arms this season.

Before I go, one more full-frontal picture for your pleasure. Feel free to link to other horrible shirts in the comments.

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