Welcome to Bizarro World

Not pictured: Owen having to be carried off the pitch after he broke his ankle posing for the photo.


I'll admit, upon reading the late night rumors that one Michael James Owen, former England goalscorer, was being lined up for a move to Old Trafford, I was giddy.

Little Mikey Owen, former Liverpool golden boy, who'd burst onto the scene with THAT goal against Argentina in 1998, only to see his career spiral continually downwards after a move to El Bernabéu in 2004, was actually on the cusp of joining the reigning Premier League champions.

This was the man who had resurrected Liverpool back from the dead in 2001, stealing the FA Cup from the Gunner's grasps. He seemingly had the world at his feet, until the rest of his body started letting him down.

And yet, his career takes another interesting turn.

You know the recent history; marginalized at Madrid, the return to England with the Barcodes, doing his knee against Sweden in Germany and the subsequent laundry list of injuries and underwhelming performances that have followed.

Michael Owen is supposed to be washed up. Those weak little hamstrings can no longer propel him past defenders so easily like they used to. It would appear that his bones have been crystallized and are just as fragile. His game is begging for reinvention, yet he can't stay on the pitch long enough to unveil Michael Owen 2.0. For the love of God, fucking Hull City Football Clubwere flirting with signing him. Big Sam, whose gotten more than a few miles out of older, supposedly 'done' players, even took a pass on bringing him to Blackburn. Yet, here's Sir Alex Ferguson, swooping in the sign up the diminutive forward. (interesting fact: if you write about Michael Owen, you're legally required to use the word 'diminutive' in any essay over 200 words)

Manchester United have lost His Doucheness and Carlos Tevez and are replacing them with Antonio Valencia and Michael Owen. Really? As Father Time continues to stalk Giggs and Scholes, this is how SAF chooses to replace all that lost firepower? With a man who hasn't played more than 30 league matches (he's hit 31 total each of the past two years) and has only scored 30 goals over that same period of time.

This is the man United are turning to in hopes of continued glory? That must have been one hell of a brochure.

Obviously, he's passed a physical so his legs can't be utter Jello. Obviously, his deal will be structured around how often he features and produces. Obviously, United will consider an alternative option to Rooney and Berbatov.

But, still... Is this actually happening?

Sure, if Owen overcomes his own past history, stays fit and fires home a few crucial goals to help United lift more silverware, it will be one hell of a story. (and good cause for certain UFers to cry into the massive amounts of alcohol they've turned to ease the suffering -- present company included). But what are the chances that this actually happens? Does anybody REALLY think Owen is going to stay healthy and find that elusive renaissance under SAF?

Um, no.

This ends as expected. This ends poorly.

I'm sorry, Michael. "I wish... you had... more time..."

But you don't.

And I'm going to enjoy this.

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UF Quick Throw: Owen To United. No Really!

It's surprise Friday, the unthinkable is happening. Michael Owen is joining Manchester United! That's if he passes a medical. Owen is currently at United's Carrington training ground undergoing fitness tests. If Owen gets the green light and signs for the Premier League champions, then surely this could be hailed as the mother of all comebacks. Just last week Owen's desperate plea for a new club, was met with interest from Stoke and Hull. Owen is available on a free transfer after 4 injury hit years at Newcastle United, making just 79 appearances. Owen's injuries whle at Newcastle included groin, ankle, thigh, hernia, metatarsal and knee ligament tears. Time will tell if Owen can produce the kind of form he had while at Liverpool, early in his career, but United have successfully been here before. Anyone remember Teddy Sherringham?

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Did Hull Even Get A Brochure?

I doubt it. What brochure do I refer to? This one, that Lingering Bursitis told of last week. But while the glossy book featuring Owen's career was sent to Everton, Man City, Arsenal and Liverpool, plus a few select top European clubs. Only ONE seems interested in saving Mr Owen from a trip to Peterborough next season.

While team Owen try to sell brand Owen to some of the top clubs in the world, just one team are trying to sign the forward. Hull City. Team Owen were trying to attract a top club, by sending the book, a glossy effort filled with images and facts, highlighting Owens achievemnents and stats.

Under 8 weeks remain until Newcastle kick off their Championship campaign at the Hawthorns against West Brom, and Owen is still a Geordie. He may have thought that a host of clubs would be eager to sign him. A player, to be fair, who has a very impressive record. But those days are gone and that lengthy knee injury has stolen most of Owens pace. He was not a first choice towards the end of last season and this did not go unnoticed.

While Hull haven't made a firm offer to Owen, who is a free agent on July 1, they are certainly planning to.

"He has got a proven track record as a goalscorer and that's an area we are keen to strengthen. However, it would have to be on the right terms." -Hull Manager Phil Brown.

Should Owen join Hull City, it will be another nail in the coffin of his career. One that started brightly and promised to deliver years of consistent goalscoring for club and country. At just 29, Owen should be playing at his best. In his prime. Still, I am sure he could find the net for Hull and would be an upgrade on what they currently have. Wherever Owen plays next season, I am sure it won't be Newcastle. For that to happen he would need to sign a new deal, for a Championship club.

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How many of those pages are pictures?

As you take a break from the breathtaking Confederations Cup action, let's look to the EPL again for a second. You have to admire the hard-working people at Wasserman Media Group (home of Brian Ching, Steven Gerrard, Landon Donovan and Robbie Keane, among others), as they take the job of looking after their clients very seriously. One such client is a difficult sell, so much so that not even Billy Mays would shift him on the open market.

But, try as they might, the Great Sell of Michael Owen has begun. And it's in full color!

To help drum up interest in the striker, his people assembled a 34-page brochure that they've been shopping around to anyone and everyone. Owen would love to stay in the EPL, and I'm sure he'll get that wish, but given that he'll be out of contract as of June 30th, it'll be a tough, tough sell. When was the last time he managed 20 goals in a season? For the money he'll expect to be paid, the numbers just don't add up.

The brochure does try hard; take this slice of breathtaking prose:

"Were it not for an unhappy spell at Real Madrid and two injury-scarred years at Newcastle, he would be spoken about in the same breath as Torres and Ronaldo and valued in the priceless figures that only match-winning goalscorers ever justify."

That's a pretty big if, right there, although it does show what happens to folk heroes who dare leave the cushy confines of Anfield (ask Ian Rush, too; his brief spell at Juventus brought him back to us a changed man).

Don't get me wrong; I loved Owen as a LFC player, and always followed his post-Liverpool movements with some interest, even once injuries took hold and the career of Michael Owen became defined by several high-profile benchings at Newcastle, the lack of faith in his abilities being unbearably and uncomfortably put on display when the Magpies desperately needed goals.

And so, we are left to wonder where he'll land. Portsmouth? Bolton? Wolverhampton Wanderers? Take your best guess.

In the meantime, if you're lucky enough to get hold of one of these sales documents, enjoy its every page. Presumably the brochure comes with health insurance?

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Unlike His Groin, Michael Owen Doesn't Know When To Quit

The moniker Little Mikey Owen suggests oft-injured Newcastle star Michael Owen would have a nice disposition, cherubic in his innocence, and generally a likeable person. This video suggests otherwise.

Just watch as Owen dissects and demoralizes a poor, teenage Ginger in the Stoke City stadium. It's not so much that Owen has greater skills than the young goalkeeper. It's that he must gloat and celebrate every goal scored on a boy half his age.



Big hattip to The Beautiful Game via The Offside.

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Pocketbook Ouchie for Owen

Little, but not so young, Mikey Owen seems to have found himself in a spot of bother thanks to Stanford Financial and the allegations of fraud against the investment company. Owen was a celebrity endorser of Stanford Financial and will likely not be seeing any more money from the company.

It's unclear whether Owen has invested any of his own personal fortune in Stanford. It is clear that Owen's refusal to take a pay cut from Newcastle was a wise decision because he'll need that extra money now.

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UF Quick Throw: Michael Owen to take his non-scoring elsewhere

All the reasons for the constant contract talks being delayed are now made clear, as Owen won't be at SJP much longer according to the boss. The only question is: how soon will he limp off? Who would want him? How much would you pay for a man hobbled by various injuries who scores every 3 weeks?

[BBC Sport]

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A Very Unprofessional Christmas

What does Santa Seppy Claus have in his magic sack this holiday season?

While we here at UF respect the holidays of many faiths (...any excuse to drink...), it's obvious that the 800 lb gorilla this time of year is Christmas. In my family, Christmas means one thing (two actually, if you count liberal self-medication) -- good ole fashioned consumerism. If you're part of our clan, whether by blood or relationship, my mother demands a wishlist from you. And in the interest of self-preservation, you'd had better give her one in a timely fashion.

This year, outside of the 3rd season of "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" (seriously, if you don't watch this show, do it now) and assorted Liverpool swag, I'm not really wanting for much. But that's not to say that aren't those who are, though.

So, let's take a peek at what's on the wishlists of some of our Favorites (and non-Favorites) from around the World of Football.


Roy Keane:
A new job and a razor to shave his Unabomber beard ahead of his next interview. Better yet, how about a job as the next pitchman for Gillette razors? Unfortunately, that gig comes to an abrupt end after the red mist descends and he chokes out Titi during the filming of his first commercial.

Kevin Keegan:
Forget the razor, this man just needs a job. Do you have any idea how important it is to a man's self-worth to have a job which he can quit at the first sign of trouble? In lieu of gainful employment, a fat, undeserved pay-out from Newcastle would be welcomed.

Michel Platini:
The Beatles' complete catalog and a lifetime's supply of Thomas' English Muffins, simply because he appears to depise all things English so much.

South Africa:
Luck. With 2010 looming and continued doubts over their ability to stage the next World Cup properly, they're going to need it.

Cristiano Ronaldo:
A body-length mirror to admire himself in and which will tell him who's the loveliest in all the land. Also, lessons from a six-year old on what to do when the ball is headed for your face/head.

Vinnie Jones:
A taste of his own medicine. Oh, he already got it. Then, a tampon to sop up all the blood.

Major League Soccer:
A g*ddamn clue. You don't have the talent pool for continued expansion. Why do you refuse to heed the lessons of the NASL?

Barcelona:
More of the same, please. The UF Crew collectively pities the fools who draw the Catalan club in the knock-out stages of the Champions League. [Ed. Note: And we collectively wish that our teams avoid Barca at all costs]

Sam Allardyce:
A do-over. After passing up the Sunderland job, leaving it for Roy Keane, Big Sam is hoping somebody remembers what wonders he worked at Stupid F-ing Bolton. Also, the Jawbone Bluetooth so he'll continue to look like a fast food drive-thru employee upon his return to management.

Robbie Keane:
A rich vein of form in front of goal. Despite his claim that he's not worried about himself and therefore nobody else should be, it's time for the ₤20M man to start banging them in for Liverpool.

Michael Owen:
Rescue from Newcastle. Not that he deserves it.

The UF Crew:
Handjobs. Much like Polaroid pictures and Scottish football, what once was thought to be an obsolete relic of the past is making a comeback. (Just joking, Scottish football isn't making a comeback)

So, what's on your list?

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