Vieri Expecting

That's Italian Christian Vieri and that's a nice little paunch there.

We're actually going to defend Vieri. You make over 300 appearances in Serie A over 20 years (not to mention another 30 in France and Spain) you're allowed to let yourself go for a bit.

Still. Gravity works, huh?

And guess who is giving him a look.

Fat Big Sam. Vieri is getting a run out with Blackburn as Allardyce tries to scrape what little tread is left on the tires.

If the second NSFW-ish pic is any indication, Vieri's ability to score hasn't been hampered in the least by his newfound affinity for mass.

The Daily Mail piece that is the source of the above-pic is worth skimming just to see if you can come up with a food or size pun that they didn't work over.

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Blackburn Are Too Fat To Win

Pot. Kettle. Blackburn.

Sam Allardyce thinks his players could stand to lose a few. That's pounds. Not points. They're accomplishing the latter just fine. But for the Blackburn manager, the two are probably related.

So he's called out Benni McCarthy.

Says Fat Big Sam: "We need to get a little bit more body fat off him so he can be more mobile."

Allardyce goes on to say that all of the players need to control their diet. He then blames the demon sugar: ‘Most have been brought up on sugars they shouldn’t have been, and those are addictive. It is not easy to wean yourself off those sort of sweets.'

Allardyce should know, as a kid he ate several candy stores out of business by himself. Okay, he's not mammoth, but he's not exactly svelt. We're just slightly amused that of all the things Allardyce could be addressing to help his team avoid relegation he picked sugar.

Cheer up, Sam. At least they're not addicted to blow. Although, maybe a casual coke habit would help with the weight loss.

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Guess Who's Back in the Premier League?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that makes for three short posts in a row. Look, news travels fast and some of us haven't finished our morning coffee yet.

Guess who the Guardian is reporting will take over running Blackburn Rovers? The Guardian is also reporting that Sunderland turned him down, Blackburn was his second choice, and Blackburn have no money to add players -- this will turn out well.

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A Very Unprofessional Christmas

What does Santa Seppy Claus have in his magic sack this holiday season?

While we here at UF respect the holidays of many faiths (...any excuse to drink...), it's obvious that the 800 lb gorilla this time of year is Christmas. In my family, Christmas means one thing (two actually, if you count liberal self-medication) -- good ole fashioned consumerism. If you're part of our clan, whether by blood or relationship, my mother demands a wishlist from you. And in the interest of self-preservation, you'd had better give her one in a timely fashion.

This year, outside of the 3rd season of "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" (seriously, if you don't watch this show, do it now) and assorted Liverpool swag, I'm not really wanting for much. But that's not to say that aren't those who are, though.

So, let's take a peek at what's on the wishlists of some of our Favorites (and non-Favorites) from around the World of Football.


Roy Keane:
A new job and a razor to shave his Unabomber beard ahead of his next interview. Better yet, how about a job as the next pitchman for Gillette razors? Unfortunately, that gig comes to an abrupt end after the red mist descends and he chokes out Titi during the filming of his first commercial.

Kevin Keegan:
Forget the razor, this man just needs a job. Do you have any idea how important it is to a man's self-worth to have a job which he can quit at the first sign of trouble? In lieu of gainful employment, a fat, undeserved pay-out from Newcastle would be welcomed.

Michel Platini:
The Beatles' complete catalog and a lifetime's supply of Thomas' English Muffins, simply because he appears to depise all things English so much.

South Africa:
Luck. With 2010 looming and continued doubts over their ability to stage the next World Cup properly, they're going to need it.

Cristiano Ronaldo:
A body-length mirror to admire himself in and which will tell him who's the loveliest in all the land. Also, lessons from a six-year old on what to do when the ball is headed for your face/head.

Vinnie Jones:
A taste of his own medicine. Oh, he already got it. Then, a tampon to sop up all the blood.

Major League Soccer:
A g*ddamn clue. You don't have the talent pool for continued expansion. Why do you refuse to heed the lessons of the NASL?

Barcelona:
More of the same, please. The UF Crew collectively pities the fools who draw the Catalan club in the knock-out stages of the Champions League. [Ed. Note: And we collectively wish that our teams avoid Barca at all costs]

Sam Allardyce:
A do-over. After passing up the Sunderland job, leaving it for Roy Keane, Big Sam is hoping somebody remembers what wonders he worked at Stupid F-ing Bolton. Also, the Jawbone Bluetooth so he'll continue to look like a fast food drive-thru employee upon his return to management.

Robbie Keane:
A rich vein of form in front of goal. Despite his claim that he's not worried about himself and therefore nobody else should be, it's time for the ₤20M man to start banging them in for Liverpool.

Michael Owen:
Rescue from Newcastle. Not that he deserves it.

The UF Crew:
Handjobs. Much like Polaroid pictures and Scottish football, what once was thought to be an obsolete relic of the past is making a comeback. (Just joking, Scottish football isn't making a comeback)

So, what's on your list?

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Sam Allardyce Is Your Delusional Ex-Girlfriend

Joining Steve McClaren in his Recently Dumped Delusional Managers Club is Big Sam Allardyce. Oh, just look at Sam babble away to Steve, Carrie and Miranda about how Newcastle wasn't big enough for him. "it didn't live up to my ambitions in the short time that I was there," said Sam as he gestured to the bartender to refill his martini glass, "And because it didn't do that the club missed a chance to realise its own ambitions."

And look, that's my head exploding!

Seriously, I haven't seen this much logical acrobatics since the Japanese justice minister argued that Europeans don't execute criminals because they don't value life.

Wait, there's more! "The more I analyse it, the more I come to the conclusion that it was never about me or results," continued Sam as Steve, Carrie and Miranda tried their awkward best to keep a straight face.

Oh, Sam. He's going to have one hell of a headache when he wakes up.

Image from Kick n Rush

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Allardyce Gone

Sky Sports is reporting that Sam Allardyce has been let go Actually, they are not sure if it was a firing or resignation. For their part, the club has announce "Mutual consent". I'll leave the pontificating to those who do well with that sort of thing, but I will gift you this photo of Big Sam in happier times.
Sky Sports
Bring on the Mourinho rumo(u)rs.

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