Welcome to Bizarro World

Not pictured: Owen having to be carried off the pitch after he broke his ankle posing for the photo.


I'll admit, upon reading the late night rumors that one Michael James Owen, former England goalscorer, was being lined up for a move to Old Trafford, I was giddy.

Little Mikey Owen, former Liverpool golden boy, who'd burst onto the scene with THAT goal against Argentina in 1998, only to see his career spiral continually downwards after a move to El Bernabéu in 2004, was actually on the cusp of joining the reigning Premier League champions.

This was the man who had resurrected Liverpool back from the dead in 2001, stealing the FA Cup from the Gunner's grasps. He seemingly had the world at his feet, until the rest of his body started letting him down.

And yet, his career takes another interesting turn.

You know the recent history; marginalized at Madrid, the return to England with the Barcodes, doing his knee against Sweden in Germany and the subsequent laundry list of injuries and underwhelming performances that have followed.

Michael Owen is supposed to be washed up. Those weak little hamstrings can no longer propel him past defenders so easily like they used to. It would appear that his bones have been crystallized and are just as fragile. His game is begging for reinvention, yet he can't stay on the pitch long enough to unveil Michael Owen 2.0. For the love of God, fucking Hull City Football Clubwere flirting with signing him. Big Sam, whose gotten more than a few miles out of older, supposedly 'done' players, even took a pass on bringing him to Blackburn. Yet, here's Sir Alex Ferguson, swooping in the sign up the diminutive forward. (interesting fact: if you write about Michael Owen, you're legally required to use the word 'diminutive' in any essay over 200 words)

Manchester United have lost His Doucheness and Carlos Tevez and are replacing them with Antonio Valencia and Michael Owen. Really? As Father Time continues to stalk Giggs and Scholes, this is how SAF chooses to replace all that lost firepower? With a man who hasn't played more than 30 league matches (he's hit 31 total each of the past two years) and has only scored 30 goals over that same period of time.

This is the man United are turning to in hopes of continued glory? That must have been one hell of a brochure.

Obviously, he's passed a physical so his legs can't be utter Jello. Obviously, his deal will be structured around how often he features and produces. Obviously, United will consider an alternative option to Rooney and Berbatov.

But, still... Is this actually happening?

Sure, if Owen overcomes his own past history, stays fit and fires home a few crucial goals to help United lift more silverware, it will be one hell of a story. (and good cause for certain UFers to cry into the massive amounts of alcohol they've turned to ease the suffering -- present company included). But what are the chances that this actually happens? Does anybody REALLY think Owen is going to stay healthy and find that elusive renaissance under SAF?

Um, no.

This ends as expected. This ends poorly.

I'm sorry, Michael. "I wish... you had... more time..."

But you don't.

And I'm going to enjoy this.

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Turkey will take ANYONE.

The home of washouts Milan Baros and Antipodean sick note carrier Harry Kewell has bagged another EPL reject... in Citeh striker Darius Vassell!

You read that correctly: DARIUS VASSELL. He found a club to pay him to play soccer!

Wassermann Media Group, take note! Maybe Michael Owen won't be such a hard sell after all.

And, by the looks of the video after the jump, you'd think they'd signed Kaka, a young Platini and Alfredo DiStefano, back from the dead.



Pretty awesome, right? I mean, I'll be honest... if I ever received this kind of warm welcome, I'd be pretty damn happy.

The mania was orchestrated by Ankaragucu chairman Cengiz Topel Yildrim, who wanted to sway his decision (the two sides are still in talks... nothing has been signed yet) from the get-go, and I reckon it'll do the trick: "We aim to secure a big signing as this year is our centenary. He will visit the city and our installations. Then he will make a decision. I hope we can include him in our squad."

Can he at least score with the Vassell ladies? Maybe once every 5 games...

Fingers crossed for you, Cengiz! He orchestrated a convoy of 50 buses and 250 cars(!) to follow his car from the airport to his hotel, and the whole thing looks surreal and kinda brilliant.



Here's hoping Ankaragucu gets the good news it's looking for. Darius Vassell, scorer of 52 goals in 265 games for Aston Villa and Citeh, is on his way to the Turkcell Super Lig.



Stay tuned!

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Real Madrid Now Addressing The Defense

After splashing down well over 100M Euros for Kaka and Ronaldo earlier this month, everybody wondered whether Real Madrid ever address its woeful defense. The answer is beginning to take shape as it appears the first sale in Valencia's firesale will be Raul Albiol, and Real Madrid is doing the buying for a reported £12.8m.

That is one Liverpool target gobbled up by Madrid and it still looks like Real has eyes for a current Liverpool player, Alvaro Arbeloa. One wonders though, how much they will actually pay if Liverpool will not let Alonso go.

It might be time, soon, to revisit the Madrid roster and how it might look next year.

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Quick Throw: Glen Johnson officially joins LFC

The highly-rated Pompey right-back becomes the off-season's latest player to snub advances from Chelsea (Yuri Zhirkov and Kaka before him, if you're keeping score at home) and sign elsewhere with his confirmed move to Liverpool. It fulfills one of LFC's biggest needs in strength at the wing-back positions, and it also means we climb up the rankings for the number of English players in our starting lineup.

That makes three, bitches! Eat our dust, Arsenal!

[Guardian Sport]

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Quick Throw: Thomas Vermaelen Is a Gunner

Arsenal needed defenders and went out and got one. Thomas Vermaelen officially signed a four-year deal, with a transfer fee of up to £10m going to Ajax. I'm assuming that this is a good purchase -- for all of the complaining about Wenger's transfer policy, at least there can be no complaints about his recent scouting (Arshavin, Nasri, Sagna, etc.).

[Guardian]
[BBC]
[Official Arsenal.com page -- that was fast!]

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Maybe He Just Needs Veneers

FC Porto left back Aly Cissokho's reported €15 transfer to AC Milan has been put on hold due to a hangup in his physical. This is not especially noteworthy, except for the fact that the problem is with his teeth. Seriously. Today is not April 1 and best I can tell nobody is having a laugh at my expense. This transfer is being impacted because of Cissokho's teeth. (rimshot).

This is a perfect story for Rick Reilly and his tooth fetish. Reilly could pull all the teeth jokes out he wanted and then work on a set of dentures. Alright enough. I'll leave the teeth jokes to the master.

Sky Television quotes Milan's chief executive, Adriano Galliani discussing the issue found in the physical and the issues it presents.

"Our doctors found some problems with his teeth which cause muscular trouble, which he has and which could deteriorate."

Muscular trouble? Because of his teeth? Surely he jests.

Apparently not.

After a brief bit of internet research, it appears teeth have been an issue for soccer players in the past.

• Steven Gerrard had his wisdom teeth removed in 2004 in an effort to solve his persistent groin injuries.
• Robin Van Persie and Florent Malouda have had the same procedure as Gerrard for persistent injuries.
• Marcel Desailly blamed his teeth for achilles issues.

So, all you soccer moms and dads out there, make sure to take care of your kids' teeth, lest you want them to have chronic injuries that can only be fixed by going to your local dentist.

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Real Madrid's Secret Printing Press

So Madrid has spent just over €160M over a few days for two players. How much is that?

It's €160M, duh.

But for fun let's do a compairson. Ready? For that same amount of money Real Madrid president Florentino Perez could have paid every MLS teams' salary bills for the next seven season (6.8 seasons actually, and it's assuming no designated players). Wasn't that fun?

Yeah, not really. I'm sure they could have fed half of Mali for that amount as well. Or bought 17 villages in Bhutan the complete 'Homeboys From Outer Space' on DVD. Etc., etc.

It's a mind boggling amount of money. And it's just the transfer costs. Madrid still have to pay Kaka's and Cristiano Ronaldo's wages. So where does all that coin come from? Funny you should ask...

First off, Madrid is a very rich club. Forbes ranks them 2nd behind only Manchester United in its annual list of team valuations. Additionally, they have higher revenue and less debt than the Mancunians.

Two things: First, any list that has Newcastle worth $300M can only be taken so seriously. Second, unless Madrid is planning on unloading a couple hundred million Euro worth of its own players. the club's valuation alone wouldn't explain where all of this money is suddenly coming from.

There are other explanations for that.

Unlike England where the league negotiates its TV rights, in Spain clubs are free to negotiate their own individual rights. Apparently Real Madrid is pretty popular in Spain as they were able to secure a six season deal for €1.1B (or about $1.4B) with Mediapro. For comparison the same folks paid FC Barcelona €600M for five years (somewhat interestingly, Mediapro is a Catalan company).

Assuming straight line payments, that means a little over €157M for Madrid every year in domestic TV money. As another comparison, EPL money gets a team in the neighborhood of €35M.

This comes with a big caveat. First this is for the current contract that runs out next season. So, the number is about to go up. Plus the money isn't evenly distributed, you get more for being a bigger draw. So United, Arsenal, Chelsea, and Liverpool are probably up somewhere closer to €50M. Stoke, eh, they're getting less (and apparently aren't spending it on more pitch real estate).

Point being: Madrid have a lot more money than their Spanish (and English) counterparts.

But media reports have circulated around the Spanish capital of new Real Madrid president Florentino Perez having €300M to spend (over half of which he's already dropped on Kaka and Cristiano Ronaldo). So even if every penny of Real's TV money went to transfer funds, that only covers a little over half the supposed transfer till.

Where does the rest come from? Good question. That one is also a head scratcher for Barca's economic director Xavier Sala i Martin:

I do not know where the €300 million that Florentino Perez thinks he has for signings actually comes from. He says he will recoup it by selling replica shirts and so he will have to sell 30 million of them. That is impossible.... Someone is going to have to give them money and it would be good if he explained it. How can it be that a football club has so much money to spend, bearing in mind the current economic situation in the country and the politics of credit restriction in place in all banks?

Translation: Shenanigans.

Sala i Martin is wrong. Madrid don't need to sell 30 million shirts. They just need to sell one really, really expensive one. In reality, some of the money will come back in merchandise sales as the Daily Mail points out shirt sales jumped 137% during the 4-year stay of David Beckham.

Moreover, as was pointed out by a commenter, Real are a social trust, and as a result aren't necessarily subject to the same laws and pesky regulations that might hamper their stature and status.

So, this whole thing is just who knows who. Then, over here, you have favoritism.

Real Madrid doesn't need to put up collateral or service debt. Their debt is held by local banks or creditors and those banks are often chaired by people allied with the club's interests or, it not, they come under political pressure not to put economic pressure on the club. And if Real Madrid need a line of credit, then apparently, hey, there's €300M available.

And they must need it as Perez believes they have to "do in one year what [they] would normally do in three."

Another bit of peculiarity is that, according to Sid Lowe this time the money is from a Catalan bank, La Caixa (is that Catalan for 'the box'?)

No wonder Sala i Martin is pissed, it's his people (Mediapro, La Caixa) bankrolling his biggest rivals' quest to get the band back together. Maybe someone should remind him that they paid nothing for Andres Iniesta and they have the big ears trophy. Oh, and he lives in Barcelona. That should assuage things for a bit.

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Kaka to Real Madrid for €65m (£56m)

j/k!!!!
Cue the Galácticos theme music.

Real Madrid wanted Kaka, AC Milan wanted the cash, and Kaka wanted to be wanted. You can't put this one much better than the man himself:

The soap opera is over. The negotiations are closed. I have sealed my transfer to Madrid.

David Beckham, no stranger to having to make big decisions on transfers, advised Kaka that this was a good move to further his career. And AC Milan released a very nice statement that Kaka's "loss on the field, though serious, can be filled. It will, however, be very difficult to fill the void left by Kaka the man."

For those of you keeping track at home, this is the second highest transfer fee paid behind the €76m for Zidane. Now the question is where does Real Madrid go next? Crissy Ronaldo? Ribery? David Villa? All of the above?

[NY Times]
[Guardian]

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Rumor With A View

The season is nearly done and the rumors are flying. Fans of all clubs biting their fingers hoping their teams' stars are going to stay and that their manager will sign some classy players in time for the new season. The papers are rife with speculation and made up bollocks and that's where the return of this regular piece comes in. I'll look at the rumors published in today's rags and try to assess their feasibility.

Let's wade through today's nonsense, shall we?

Inter Milan and AC Milan are set to battle it out over signing Arsenal striker Emmanuel Adebayor. (Daily Mail)

Highly Likely. The fella wants out and has already stressed his desire to play in Italy. Italy is where the lazy go to earn money. Everybody knows he's gone and AC are likely to be his resting place. Emphasis on rest.

Liverpool midfielder Xabi Alonso could be on his way to Real Madrid for £21m if Florentino Perez returns as club president. (Daily Star)

This old chesnut again. Sure, Rafa wanted to flog Xabi last year, but he has recently indicated that he is happy keeping the Spaniard in his team. That said, this was an obvious rumor, much like the 578 concerning Ronaldo to Real.

Tottenham are targeting Lazio striker Goran Pandev. (Daily Mirror)

Stating the obvious, Harry Redknap is looking to off-load the sulky Pavlyuchenko and King of the Sitter Missers Darren Bent. No secret that Spurs are after forwards. They will be linked with 20 between now and August.

Wigan have lined up a deal with Real Madrid to receive £21.5m for Latics winger Antonio Valencia.

Possible. Madrid have been keen admirers of Valencia and they have him earmarked as a back-up plan to Ronaldo, who is going to be the subject of more speculation before staying at United. Yawn....

Out of favor at Rangers.

Rangers midfielder Barry Ferguson is poised for a £1m summer move to West Brom. (The Sun)

Ferguson is 31 now and has recently been stripped of the Rangers captaincy. No surprise that he will be subject of paper talk. I can see him going to a side like West Brom. They would have to sell first as they are more than equipped in this area for an assault on the Colaship title.

Red Bull Salzburg left-back Ronald Gercaliu says he would be interested in joining Celtic. (The Sun)

Wow, really? Name a 'Red Bull Salzburg' player who wouldn't. Not news. Next!

Swindon Town have told Celtic to double their bid for striker Simon Cox after offering £1.2m for the striker and defender Sean Morrison. (Daily Mail)

22 year-old Cox is on fire right now. Many Colaship sides are also interested in signing him. Last season he scored 29 goals for mid-table Swindon Town. However, I can't see him going to Scotland. Not when he can join a top 3-4 Cola side and maybe even Wolves or Birmingham.

Manchester City are stepping up their bid to take on former Manchester United striker Diego Forlan for £20m from Atletico Madrid.

Who would pay 20 million smackers for a 30 year old? A rich Arab, that's who. Forlan has thrived in Spain but misfired for Man U, last time in he graced England with his presence. Still, Citeh have money to burn. I reckon Forlan will be a back-up option for Mark Hughes who would rather buy Santa-Cruz from Blackburn for the same price. The Blackburn forward is also 3 years younger and in his footballing prime.

On the move? Bojan Krkic.

Celtic are hoping to sign Barcelona forward Bojan Krkic on loan. (The Sun)

Now why would Barcelona want to loan out one of their prized youngsters to Celtic? Krkic only played 14 times this season but is still only 18. Besides, it's not exactly easy to bust into that line-up is it? If I were Barca I'd loan him to another Spanish side for experience or keep him around the bench. Krkic scored 5 time in the Spanish Cup this season to help Barca win it. Can't see him going anywhere.

Wolves are set to swoop for Standard Liege centre-half Oguchi Onyewu. (Daily Mirror)

This rumor has legs. The 27 year old American failed to crack a permanent place in the Newcastle side whilst on loan but newly promoted Wolves are looking for reliable center backs for the new campaign. Shackell was sent on loan and Ex-Hearts man, Berra, has received mixed reviews, leaving McCarthy with room at the back for improvement.

Arsene Wenger's future as Arsenal manager has come under more scrutiny. The Frenchman has been stung by criticism in the recent shareholders' meeting. He is also annoyed by the news that striker Adebayor is set to quit. (Various)

Yawn...I'm sure the shareholders are happy for CL football and happy that they haven't seen their cash gambled on pricey imports. The stadium is full, the youngsters are coming through and their manager doesn't want to spend large amounts of cash. Yeah the shareholders are pissed. Next!

Carlos Tevez's exit from Old Trafford looks sealed after the Argentine forward failed to attend Manchester United's player of the year dinner. (Various)

Tevez has already said that he isn't certain to be at United next season. His agent says United have not been willing to meet his valuation of the player and I personally think that Fergie thinks that handing a fella 26 million for his services smarts. Especially as 3rd-party ownership is not allowed and Tevez could likely fight for a free transfer. That said, Tevez is loyal to his people and has taken all of this personally. I am sure he has been discussing his options and there will be no shortage of suitors from Madrid to Merseyside. Will he join United's deadly rivals? Hmmm... Possibly.

Liverpool?

Midfielder Stewart Downing, forward Tuncay, striker Afonso Alves and defender Robert Huth will leave if Middlesbrough are relegated at the weekend. (Daily Mail)

No... Boro's top players will leave if they are relegated? Wow. Daily Mail. What a scoop! Most players have a clause in their contract that addresses relegation and it's a certainty that the above players will be fleeing the Riverside at speed should they be relegated this weekend.

Wigan striker Amr Zaki, who is on loan from Zamalek, insists he was the one to pull the plug on a permanent move. (Daily Mirror)

Bollocks. Wigan have fined Zaki and Steve Bruce's patience has been tested many times this season with Zaki's failure to return from international duty. Bruce will easily sacrifice Zaki's talent for a reliable team player.

All of these rumors were collected by the BBC and published here.

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