Once a week, we poll ourselves to find answers to the burning questions of the football world. We are, of course, experts in the field, so the results can be taken as definitive. This week: Which are the 5 worst commercials on Fox Soccer Channel and GolTV?
It's safe to say that advertising on these two stations is pretty darn cheap. This leads to a couple of bad commercials being shown repeatedly until they sear your brain. After the videos, a special bonus, answering the unanswered question posed by our number one pick.
#1. Pennytalk
Easily the number one pick and the only commercial to show up on every ballot. This commercial can be encapsulated by one quote. "Pedro I did it. I got the tickets." What are the tickets for? Who is the British chick marrying? Why is the Indian woman calling her mom in what would be the middle of the night? Our answers below.
#2. Prócede
Giuseppe Franco and Gary Busey, together at last. Every guy on here was afraid to show their head until they used the product. Best of all, it makes you look like your hair is as thick as a bit of yarn. Really, though, who is Giuseppe Franco and why should we care?
#3. Cuervo Black
King of the annoying voice over. We don't know what's worse, assuming the bartender doesn't know how to mix a liquor with Coke, or mixing tequila with Coke in general, because that shit's nasty.
tied #4. Wallbangers
Put your favorite star or team on your wall. Great idea, they're called posters and don't cost $100. I can't wait for one thing--for the porn industry to seize on the idea and start selling them to basement dwellers everywhere.
tied #4. XL Travel
I may be cheating here a bit, but I think this is the one we were thinking of. To put it succinctly. Guy is watching a soccer match, involving Man United, presumably on Sopcast in an empty early-morning bar setting on a Mac, stealing any and all wifi bandwidth. Jackass.
Other votes-Soccer Wave; Riddex; Kick Medic (no link); Guinness.
Our answers to the Pennytalk questions:
What tickets are the Brazilian guy so excited he scored? matchbox 20; Sepultura; Spamalot; Hannah Montana; Oceanic flight 815.
Who is the Brit marrying? The ManU supporter from the XL Travel Commercial; underemployed rockstar (a dishwasher who plays Guitar Hero); a flunky producer; scummy LA guitarist.
Why the Indian woman is speaking to her mother back home in English during the middle of the subcontinent's night? Self-explanatory; Anna's coming out of the closet; her mother works for the call center at a collection agency and her daughter is calling pretending to be a bead beat.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
UF Weekend Poll
Sunday, February 17, 2008
UF Weekend Poll
Once a week, we poll ourselves to find answers to the burning questions of the football world. We are, of course, experts in the field, so the results can be taken as definitive. This week: Top Ten hated players.
Extra bonus for you, dear reader, uncensored emails with votes and comments by every participating UFer.
1. Cristiano Ronaldo
2. John Terry
3. Ashley Cole
4. Frank Lampard
5. Landon Donovan
6. John Obi Mikel
7. Rafa Marquez
8. Marco Materazzi
9. Wayne Rooney
10. Torsten Frings
We sure do hate Chelsea, don't we?
And now, the emails.
Lingering Burstitis:1. John Obi Mikel - fuck this dude to high heaven. He's a dirty player, moans incessantly to the refs, gets away with murder on the pitch. That, and he's only 20 years old, which means we'll have to fucking deal with his bullshit in the EPL or wherever for at least another decade. Can't stand the guy. Wish Crouch had ripped him in two with that karate kick.
Ian:
2. Cristiano Ronaldo - ugh. I am jealous of his talent, I am sickened by the fact that he plays for Man U, and I long for the day he gets hurt.
3. David Beckham - he would be higher, but he's competing with a lot of fucking hate already. Plays the media better than he plays in the MLS, forever running his mouth for good and bad, inspired by money and promotion, and has lost a lot of his fucking talent. If the game were just 90 minutes of free kicks, he'd be immortal. However it's not, and he is pretty fucking useless otherwise.
4. El Hadji Diouf - parlayed one good game in a World Cup into a high-profile move to my club, where he proceeded to change hairstyles more than he scored goals. Then, he somehow managed to find another EPL team to take him, and he's continued in the tradition of being fucking terrible.
5. Tim Cahill - he's a douchebag, and he plays for a team I hate more with every passing second.
6. Ashley Cole - he's worn the colours of two teams I hate. Oh, there was some sex thing, too.
7. Landon Donovan - fucking wuss. Tried to make a name for himself in rough-and-tough Europe, but boo hoo it was too hard, so he fucked off back to MLS where he peddles his mediocre skills and still gets endorsements. Loves to disappear when it counts.
8. Titus Bramble - it's hard to hate such a dunce, but that goal against us almost fucking killed me a while back. He's a muppet in football boots.
9. Frank Lampard - Ghost Dad in midfield. Only reason he scores goals is because he takes penalties that his team didn't earn. A fucking huge waste of time.... disappears more from games than grass stains.
10. Andrei Shevchenko - I was so fucking happy when you missed that penalty in Turkey. Eat shit and die, you overpriced 5-goal-a-season scorer.1)c ronaldo
Badly Drawn Boykins:
2)landycakes
3)j terry
4)cashley cole
5)michael owen
6)p robinson
7)ronaldinho
8)ronaldo (fat one)
9)D Kamara
10)Materrazi1. Mikel John Obi - First of all, pick a name - you were born John Michael Nchekube Obinna. Second, learn how to tackle properly. Third, what a dick.
The NY Kid:
2. Stephen Hunt - What a dick.
5. Rafa Marquez - What a dick.
6. Luca Toni - Get up, you pussy.
7. Pippo Inzaghi - Maybe not a dick, but he's definitely one of those players who are infuriating to play against, but would happily have on your team.
8. Rivaldo - What a dick.
9. Lothar Matthaus - What a retired dick.
10. Ashley Cole - What a dick.
Precious Roy:1) Torsten Frings: Hey, old grudges die hard. I'm shallow that way.
Sven:
2) Rafa Marquez: Thought I might be the only one, but nope.
3) Jared Borghetti: I'd hate him more if I didn't think he wasn't useless now
4) Cuauhtemoc Blanco: Anyone noticing a leitmotif?
5) Frank Lampard: Fuck that guy
6) Ashley Cole: I hope his gets the HIV.
7) Sylvain Wiltord: Ref should have blown the whistle long before he scored to tie Italy in the Euro 2000 final. Dick.
8) Wayne Rooney: Ugly as fuck. Stupid pick-up lines. And he's probably already cut more ass that I ever will. I wouldn't be so upset about that if he weren't such a twit on the pitch.
9) John Terry: See "Frank Lampard"
10) Mark Viduka: I probably wouldn't have remembered what a dick he is if someone else hadn't had him on their list first, but they did. And I'll hate a foreigner over Landycakes any day.1. C Ronaldo -- Because he's such a supremely cocky douchebag, I wouldn't feel the slightest twinge of regret if I got the chance to mow him down, end his career and deprive the world of such an awesome talent.
Spectator:
4. Diego Maradona -- Die already, you bloated sack of coke & snot residue.
5. Frank Lampard -- #1 for breaking Xabi Alonso's ankle... #2 for getting much too much credit for all his 'goals'.
7. Raphael Marquez -- Because he's the captain, all my hatred for the Mexican nat'l side gets heaped on head, therefore ruining his hair and whatever lame-ass headband he's wearing.
8. Arjen Robben -- Constantly under sniper fire, even his receding hair line irritates me.
9. Rivaldo -- I'm not sure why he drives me up the wall, but he does.
10. Claudio Reyna -- Sure the guy had talent, but his lack of on-the-pitch leadership in the 1. Ashley Cole - Cunt
2. Robbie Savage - Even on Derby, still a cunt
3. Robbie Keane - Unbearably crap
4. Gennaro Gattuso - Dude just seems like he beats up kindergarteners
in his spare time
5. Steven Gerrard - I know this is blasphemy in these parts but I'm
sick of how he always manages to somehow "earn" free kicks just
outside of the box
6. Fat Frank - For being fat, and ugly
7. Brave John Terry - For being a prick
8. Sheva - For being the nadir of outrageous transfer fees
9. Cristiano Ronaldo - For being a whiny priss
10. Darren Bent - Get Bent (I don't really hate him that much, just
enjoy saying that)
ü75:1. John Terry. Always a douchebag, he solidified this position for me
after he ripped a swapped shirt out of the hands of an Andorran player
in the tunnel after England performed miserably. It takes a real
fuckwad to do that to an amateur player. I sometimes wish that kick
to his head had done just enough brain damage to rob him of his
abilities on the pitch but nothing else.
2. Leonardo. That elbow to the head of Tab Ramos still stays with me.
USA had a shot that day, but without Ramos, they went limp.
3. Daniele DeRossi. Similar to above, but not as vicious of a player.
4. Fabien Barthez. He bothered me since I first saw him winning the
Champions League with L'OM. I hated his stupid floppy hair (back when
he had it), but more for his short sleeved keeper shirt.
5. Cristiano Ronaldo. True Story ahead--I was out at a rock show with
my wife on Friday night. I was wearing an Aberdeen shirt because they
had performed so admirably the night before. A guy approached me and
asked if it was an Arsenal shirt. I answered him, explained which
club it was, and why I had chosen to wear it that night. He
recognized that a draw with Bayern was huge, and started telling me
about how the day before he had run into problems while wearing a C.
Ronaldo jersey. I nodded, smiled politely, and tallied his score.
Doesn't know that Arsenal almost always wear white sleeves (except in
the recent Redcurrant season). Wears a C. Ronaldo jersey. Is gay (or
Bisexual--he was confused) with "poet" tattooed on his arm. Went to
Bob Jones, Was "blessed". He scored enough points for me to not give
him a link to this site. In all honesty, the only one that mattered
was that he wore a C. Ronaldo jersey.
6. Wayne Rooney. I liked him until he moved to Man U from Everton.
It wasn't that it was Manchester United, honest. It's leaving your
boyhood club to go to a club that is inherently more likely to win you
titles. Okay, it was because he chose United. That, and he has the
face of a Greco-Roman wrestler
7. Matterazzi. All you need to know are in the fan compilations up on
youtube. Dirty, and a liar about it, to boot.
8. Landycakes. Whenever a USNT thread pops up on hattrick,
non-Americans like to chime in and tell us how Landon Donovan is our
best player and they never understand why most American soccer fans
don't like him. Yes, he is a good player who has pulled off sompretty
important goals in his career. But, we like players who challenge
themselves. We like players who push themselves to get better
everyday. It's part of the Puritan work ethic that is instilled in
this country. We really don't like it when our great talents decide
they are good enough. Iverson got ridiculed for his "Practice?!"
speech. Landycakes could have easily replaced "practice" with
"Europe" in that speech, and let Americans know how he felt about
challenging himself. And that catching the kiss and putting it in his
pants goal celebration is just damn gay.
9. Joe Cole. Anytime he loses the ball, his immediate reaction is to
chase the guy down and foul him from behind. Wears his damn shorts
too tight as well. I don't really want to see any of that, thanks.
10. Roy Keane. Like Joe Cole above, he was big on retribution.
Unlike Joe Cole, he was up front about it, and thus garners my
respect. If he had been like, say, Materazzi, this guy's a #2 for
certain.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
UF Weekend Poll
Once a week, we poll ourselves to find answers to the burning questions of the football world. We are, of course, experts in the field, so the results can be taken as definitive. This week: The Top Ten domestic leagues around the world.
1. English Premier League. The surprisingly unanimous #1. The reasoning varied for some, but for the most part we agreed that it is the most dynamic and unpredictable of the top tier leagues. Any squad (save Derby this season) has a chance to defeat another squad on the schedule. Also gets bonus points for the attractiveness of the game as well as being broadcast in English.
2. Spanish La Liga. La Liga was a strong second choice among participating UFers. Cited for laving a "Latin style, but fast", one of us docked it from beating out the EPL because there are simply too many theatrics in the pitch. Consistently one of the most watchable leagues, no matter which teams are playing.
3. German Bundesliga. 3 and 4 were a dogfight between Germany and Italy, with the Bundesliga taking the honors. I, for one, said that the difference was in the crowds. German stadiums are consistently packed with raucous crowds, while Italian crowds tend to depend on who the opponent is. Others rated it because of its history, and not so much for what it is now.
4. Italian Serie A. The definition of a league coasting on its reputation. Most of us hate to watch it, but we all seem to respect it. Of course, it doesn't hurt that the very same reputation of years past still brings the best players from around the world to play, and get paid. Points were also docked for the general perceived dirtiness of the league and its ownership, with scandals abounding seemingly every decade.
5. French Ligue 1. There was a pretty hefty drop from the Top 4 down to France. The domination of Lyon definitely hurts its standing as a league. We do see it as a great league for incoming African players to get a chance to prove themselves.
6. Dutch Eredivisie. The Eredivisie, though not strong all the way through, deserves respect as a Euro league which does a great job at developing young talent. Players come here as raw teenagers and leave to the bigger leagues as finished talents. The prime hunting ground for larger leagues looking for new talent.
7. Argentine Primera Division. The highest rated non-European league. Argentina gets picked not just for its top teams like Boca and River, but also for its fanatical followings all the way through. Besides, no other league at this level can cite the openness of the league to teams winning titles. Recent seasons have seen teams lime Lanus and Newell's win titles, the rough equivalent of Middlesbrough or Newcastle winning in the EPL.
8. Portuguese Liga. Another league defined by its exports to other leagues. See Cristiano Ronaldo. Also, for a smaller league, these are teams that tend to do well in Europe. Besides, this is the league of Freddy Adu, someone most of us want to see do well.
9. Major League Soccer. There was a big drop in points here, but MLS did show up on over half of the submitted ballots. Some see this as a league on the rise, with the Beckham signing giving it validation. Others voted for it to spite Mexico. Whatever, it all works.
10. English Conference. See kids, this is how a single outlier vote can affect your statistics within a small sample size. Always take as large a sample as you can.
Others receiving multiple votes: Mexico, Scotland, English Championship,
Others receiving single votes: Brazil, Russia, Greece, any Women's league, Turkey, USL, MISL, Hyundai A-League (because it's fun to say).
Sunday, February 3, 2008
UF's Weekend Poll
Once a week, we poll ourselves to find answers to the burning questions of the football world. We are, of course, experts in the field, so the results can be taken as definitive. This week: Who are the Top 5 players you'd most like to have in you squad?
#1 Steven Gerrard. Definitely more than just a Scouser homer pick, right? Lingering Bursitis sets us straight- "homer pick, maybe, but when your team needs a big goal, he comes through with it. Won the CL in 2005 by dragging the team on his back, and that FA Cup Final win vs. West Ham was all Stevie G too."
#2 Cesc Fabregas. Arsenal's wonderkid midfielder comes through in second. With the top 2 picks, it's obvious that the EPL really is the best league in the world. According to Ian, his appeal lies in that he is "still really young, but doing a damn good job in the midfield against players that are all bigger than him."
#3 Lionel Messi. Like Fabregas, he's young, but unlike Cesc, he's Argentinian. Don't ask me what that is supposed to mean. According to email transmissions from ü75, Messi has a "ginormous upside", and that's much better than a ginormous backside.
#4. Cristiano Ronaldo. Easily the most hated on man in any email conversation we have. The only people who seem to like him are Manchester United fans and people who have him in their fantasy squads. The nicest thing we can say abput him is that he doesn't dive quite as much as he used to.
#5. Juan Roman Riquelme. The third set piece specialist to show up on the list, Riquelme squeaks in at the fifth position. His shots baffle keepers, and he is "the reason Boca will win the Clausura" according to one UFer who actually follows that kind of stuff.
Others receiving more than one vote: Ribery, Drogba, Henry, Kaka, Essien, Beckham
Others receiving one vote: Totti, Pirlo, Torres, van Persie, Thuram, Agbonlahor, Nakamura, Altidore, Dempsey, Tim Howard, Heather Mitts, Cannavaro, Bojan, Pato, Micah Richards, Walcott, Ashley Young, Inzaghi, Convey.
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