Relegation: it's full of conspiracies

For all the perceived machismo in soccer (C-Ron not withstanding), it can descend into banter and vicious gossip more in tune with that of the local sewing circle. And with the final EPL weekend of 2008/09 looming on the horizon, the brewing discontent on Tyneside is hard to ignore.

It's also rather hilarious.

Right off the bat, Alan Shearer, he of the bland punditry and blander managerial nous, is pointing fingers in the direction of Sir Alex Ferguson and threatening to tell teacher that he's not playing fair.

With United's trophy secured and a more important Champions League final to prepare for, there's every chance that Fergie's side will be rather, ahem, depleted in their final league game against Hull City. Of course, Hull are right there in the dogpile for the drop, and Shearer's not happy that the perma-tanned microphone wearer Phil Brown might have an advantage in the fight for survival.

Of course, we'd be remiss in mentioning that the Magpies have had countless opportunities to climb out of the hole since Alan's arrival, and that Shearer should spend his Monday evening watching hours of Aston Villa game tape instead. One win and 2 draws in his 7 games as Newcastle boss isn't very good, is it?

What we forgot to mention was the "special" relationship between Ferguson and Brown, presumably derived from the latter's constant attempts to rattle Arsenal's cage. Fergie helped Phil get a job at Derby County back in 2005, and the two have enjoyed a friendship for many years. There's also the whisper that SAF still loathes Alan for turning down an offer to play for Man United back in the 90s. Considering the grudge-holding reputation of the drunk Scot, I wouldn't be surprised at all.

As one would expect, Phil is mumbling pleasantries and the usual pre-match jingo about "expecting no favours" and "working hard" and "it won't be easy." On the inside, he knows it will be simple, although given the Tigers' form since October 28th (2 wins and 9 draws in their last 28), they'd have a hard time beating the United U-10s.

Meanwhile, in his high chair at St. James's, Alan wonders whether he'll get any help from his Match of the Day cohort, Martin O'Neill. The prognosis appears grim. Shearer is trying to get Bassong's red card overturned so he can play in the final game (good luck with that, Alan), but other than that, there ain't much sunshine in their future.