Yay, we're waiting for things to start!
STARTING XIs
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WEST HAM UNITED
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1 Robert Green
2 Lucas Neill
5 Anton Ferdinand
8 Scott Parker
9 Dean Ashton
11 Matthew Etherington
12 Carlton Cole
17 Hayden Mullins
20 Julien Faubert (welcome back from the awful knee injury)
27 Calum Davenport
40 Freddie Sears
Subs: Walker (GK), Boa Morte, Stokes, Zamora, Reid, Collison, Stanislas
MLS ALL-STARS
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1 Matt Reis
2 Frankie Hejduk
5 Christian Gomez
8 Juan Toja
12 Jimmy Conrad
13 Jonathan Bornstein
21 Shalrie Joseph
23 David Beckham
25 Pablo Mastroeni
33 Kenny Cooper
70 Cuauhtemoc Blanco
Subs: Onstad (GK), Ralston, Angel, Donovan, Brennan, De Rosario, Buddle
LB @ 6.58 ET:
Yeah, I realize there's no sense of formation. I can't be bothered figuring out who plays where just yet. I'm gonna wait until ESPN tells me. I'd imagine 4-4-2 across the board. If I see a 4-5-1, I might scream.
PR: Hey, why can't I post?... Wait, there it is. But my other comment is floating somewhere in blogging purgatory.
LB: Unsurprisingly, the intro is full of Beckham. Foudy is with us! Thank god... I was worried that someone was going to say something profound this evening. Phew! Thanks MLS!
PR: The Galaxy have given up like 33 goals. In fact, it's exactly 33 goals and that's 14 more than the team directly ahead of them and the team directly behind them in the standings. Not surprisingly none of the three Galaxy reps is a defender.
PR: So is West Ham really the best MLS could do? Or is this them being a 'victim' of its own success. I'm thinking both Chelsea and Celtic were embarrassed by not being able to simply walk on the pitch and win.
LB: Christ, now a Donovan mini-feature? Strangle me where I sit, please.
PR: Did Foudy just give Nicol credit for being able to find young talent? Uh, I'm pretty sure that's part of his job. Moron.
TITLETOWN! Fuck yeah. I so have to vote, because I don't know how to navigate this world until I know which American city is truly Titletown. Fuck you, ESPN. Fuck you and your stupid contests and the horses that the two of you road in on.
Re: The goal highlights. McManus' striking partner should totally be a guy named Fenster.
Free post to the commenter who comes up with the perfect description for the particular type of cruel disappointment-cum-envy on David Beckham's face.
Seven figures for Buddle to go to Norway? Too bad he's like 27 and not 21. Also, as good as Buddle has been this season, I'd totally take Tuttle over him. Okay, that obscure joke totally fails on the spelling of Edson's last name.
I love how the promo didn't even have names for any West Ham players. And did we even let Bellamy in this country? I thought we were trying to keep the terrorists out?
Ha! Ha! Landycakes, not only can you not hack it in Europe, you can't even start your own country's second rate league All Star game.
I think I started Ashton against Derby in my fantasy league last year. So I'm not the greatest of expert on West Ham.
Kick
2nd minute: We have our first Man U reference. I think they said "United" before they said "West Ham."
3rd minute: West Ham looks like a bunch of wussies in their powder blue kits. I should probably start describing the action, huh?
4th minute: Well, by the way Lucas Neill chased down that ball, I'd say he's been enjoying the bars in America.
5th minute: Cole blows the first best chance of the game. I'll give him some credit for not taking a dive because he could have gone down and might have drawn a whistle.
7th minute: No rhythm to this game. Some shitty defending by the MLS almost gives Ashton a freebie, but he also pushed Hejduk.
9th minute: Turn and a shot by Cole. But cleare by whom I couldn't see. Mastroeni maybe. Corner West Ham. Followed by another corner for West Ham. Not great defending here by MLS.
11th minute: Really, I'd try to be a little more descriptive, but so far this looks like an over-40 rec league game than anything you'd want to, you know, watch, or talk about watching. Shot by Kenny Cooper. Low and just wide. Looked more dangerous than it was.
13th minute: Too bad for the offsides rule or else Beckham could just plant himself in the corner and cross balls in. Otherwise, he's pretty useless trying to run on to the ball. Bornstein can't get the ball before it goes over the endline.
14th minute: Etherington on the edge of the box. But he commits a foul? Really? Almost looked like Hejduk with a hand ball.
15th minute: We're 15 minutes in and we see our first good patch of possession from the MLS in the West Ham third. But the build up results in nothing. Ball is turned over.
16th minute: Not a bad little give and go with Gomez and Hejduk. But the ball goes long. Goal kick. Then turned over to the MLS. Fans shouting something. I can't tell because it's in Canadian. And I don't speak that.
18th minute: Okay, that was a really good effort by Cooper. Gomez with a nice little loft to Cooper in the box, and he really stayed with it to get a rocket off on a turn. Too bad it went way wide.
20th minute: Cooper knocks it off the West Ham defender for a corner. Becks to take it. Ball was deflected up and Robert Green hauls in the ball which was sort of hanging in the air for long enough to make it interesting.
21st minute: As if ESPN didn't suck at everything else, their camera work in the last couple of minutes is really making the game tough to follow. Wide shot guys. Show me about 1/3 of the field the entire time. It's not hard.
22nd minuteBlanco must be color blind. He keeps giving it to the guys in the powder blues. Ashton launches one that worries the people in the 18th row but not Reis.
24th minute: Cole with a feed across. Ashton can't get it. Some MLS dope plays it back to give West Ham another chance. Oh great. More Beckham graphics. So far Toja and Cooper are about the only MLS players deserving on being on the pitch. This was the 10th place team from the EPL last year. Although I guess that's better than Tottenham.
26th minute: GOAL! Long ball ends up on the foot of Ashton who pokes it low and away past Matt Reis. West Ham 1-0.
27th minute: GOAL! That was quick. 1-1. Gomez with a feed from Blanco on the backheel. Gomez buries it in pretty much the same spot that Ashton put it. It was acutally a decent run through from Gomez to control it while keeping his speed and get an open look.
29th minute: Game has opened up. Both teams exchanging pushes into the other teams' third.
31st minute: West Ham has decided to solve the carpet by just playing the ball in the air. That's about 4 headers in 5 touches. Then they give it away deep on the left side.
32nd minute: A shot by Beckham. No way. From something besides a set piece. It deflected out for a corner. Corner comes back to Beckham who finds Gomez all alone at the top of the box and he hits it into a different zip code than the goal mouth. So they have zip codes in Canada?
33rd minute: WARNING. I just heard thunder. That's a 50-50 that my electricity goes out in this storm. Public works in Houston totally suck. So if I go dark, there's your explanation.
34th minute: Think there was a good chance from Blanco while I was giving a weather report. Neill on the counter, punches it too far for Cole. GK for Ries. Cooper almost follows a lazy ball back but Green clears it. Throw for MLS.
36th minute: So can you get laid in London if you lose to the MLS All Stars? I guess we could ask EBJT and Fat Frank.
37th minute: Nice job by Hejduk to pick up the ball in midfield. He plays it through to the wide side, but Toja stops his run. Bummer. MLS back in the West Ham third. Blanco to Cooper to the end line. Goal kick.
39th minute: Hey a foul. Let's see if Blanco takes it. Nope. Becks.
40th minute: And the ESPN camera almost cuts completely away right as Beckham runs to strike the ball. Idiots. Ball ends up being headed clear before it got to Carson. MLS gets it back and Beckham with a strike from distance goes wide right. Made a nice sound as it hit the ads behind the goal, but it was never a danger to Carson.
41st minute: Oh awesome. Corn on the cobb. Fuck is this, ESPN? They really are showing us the food available at the stadium?
42nd minute: Toja with a nice push on Faubert. MLS wasting time in the midfield. Bornstein blows the first touch open on the left. He plays it back to Toja... Hey. Blanco. 2-1 MLS.
Was just talking about the wasted effort when Toja recollects the ball and gets it to Blanco on the left this time. He does what Bornstein didn't in controlling it, then cutting it back nicely and with the open look went top shelf on the far side. Carson had no chance. Nice effort by Blanco. Decent stuff.
45th minute: One minute of stoppage time to be added. More shitty camera work. Hejduk checks his run. Beckham plays it all the way across to Blanco who draws a foul. Beckham will take another free kick. This should be it for the half. Parker carded for encroachment on the kick. He also took it in the nuts. Re-kick was dangerous. Right into the box and right toward a trio of MLS'ers but it was cleared wide by West Ham. Another ball in is cleared harmlessly and we're at half.
HALF-TIME: How does Beckham get an assist on that Gomez goal? I mean, I get it. I realize Beckham passed it to Blanco, but it was an innocuous pass from the halfway line that would have been rather mundane if it weren't for Blanco's backheel. So ridiculous, really.
It's LB back for a bit, taking a breather from my bourbon abuse here on the couch.
Who the fuck is Estelle? I reckon this half-time show is going to be awkward.
HALF-TIME: Kudos to Roy for keeping us awake during the 1st half. The lad done good. Meanwhile, about 90 seconds in, my fears for Estelle are confirmed. The song is a weird amalgam of jazz, samba samples, Jamiroquai b-sides and a DJ who really has no place being there. He's just scratching a record. I can do that. The guitarist feigns interest and does nothing to convince us that he's actually playing his instrument.
Meanwhile, a world away, Bigus jr. has been inspired to play a little futbol for himself.
Now Herr Garber is about to rattle on about expansion. I will use this opportunity to pour another drink. Voice your displeasure in the comments!
McBride is coming back to MLS.
"I'm a big Juan Pablo Angel fan." Really, Commish? In the meantime, the most captivating part of that mini-Q&A is the presence of streamers getting thrown in from the stands. Commish quips that "someone's gonna get thrown out soon" as one lands on the ESPN desk, and while he says it with a smile on his face, you really get the impression that he's not joking.
Look out, idiot Columbus fan!
HALF-TIME: Seriously Commish, expanding the league just because soccer is popular is not reason enough. Quality, not quantity, you hopeless fool. Dilute the league, and watch people flock back to other margin sports.
RESTART: Cooper and Blanco off, Donovan and Angel on. Contain yourselves, folks. The pyrotechnics is surely just around the corner.
A ticky-tack foul and I'm reminded why this match is annoying me.
Etherington is off, and Luis Boa Morte (he of the former Arsenal experiment) is on.
47 mins: Bigus, to answer for you, Faubert is still in the match and is unhurt at present. Still, he's been rather shit, so you decide which is better/worse.
Beckham whips in another cross weakly to the near post, fooling no-one. I swear, his ability to cross is dwindling with every passing day, and that's all he's got left!
50 mins: The crowd breaks out the "We Want Brennan" chant again. A tepid sideline chat with Kenny Cooper, and no real football worth talking about. Yet.
52 mins: Good pass from Davenport to Faubert down the left, and some tugging by Bornstein near the edge of the box nets him a yellow card. Ashton lines up behind the ball for the free-kick. Boa Morte hits it into the wall and it deflects into Reis' hands. Much ado about nothing.
54 mins: Toja's played well, but his 1-2 with Angel at the top of the box amounts to nothing. Sportscenter decides that now is a good time to cut in and tell us about Carlos Delgado's 2-run home run. The tension in Toronto is palpable. Lord Beckham touches the ball and passes immediately to Joseph. The ball makes its way all the way across to the left wing, where Bornstein whips in a dangerous cross to the edge of the 6-yard box and no-one gets a touch on it. It whizzes by Angel and out for a West Ham throw-in.
57 mins: Roy, Ian... I completely agree. Does the MLS have an agreement with the EPL for the All-Star game? Bring in Sevilla or Fiorentina or Atletico Madrid. Surely the top-tier European teams wouldn't dare honour the fixture, but an AS Roma contest would be much better than West Ham.
60 mins: Great cross in and Ashton has a wide-open volley and unleashes right at Reis. Then a sweeping move for MLS breaks to Beckham and he blasts a shot well wide left.
The excitement quells after Beckham's terrible miss, and then we cut to a sideline interview with Steve Nash! Beckham now has a free-kick which he also puts wide.
[Sorry, had a phonecall and missed the magic]
64 mins: Toja and Hejduk make way for De Rosario and Brennan.
65 mins: Damn phone won't stop ringing. I'm back now though, and with a full, freshly-topped-up glass of bourbon!
The action is getting scrappy now, and definitely opening up. The obvious chasm of talent between the bench of an All-Star, hand-picked squad vs. the full first-team squad of a mid-table EPL team is becoming evident now, and should the floodgates open for the MLS ALL-STAR TEAM I daresay that Stone, Foudy, Harkes and co. will point to this development as being a sign of some progress.
Shit, my bad. Gomez came off, not Hejduk.
67 mins: GOAL! No Ian, I am not dead, although Reis was caught dead by that wickedly deflected shot by Ashton from the top of the box, and this match is level once more. Came off Joseph's hand and then someone else's head en route to the back of the net. Reis was flat-footed, and Ashton was rather non-plussed, based on his muted celebration. Nice strike though. 2-2
69 mins: PENALTY! Lucas Neill slides clumsily into the back of De Rosario, who was clean through thanks to Angel's pass. De Rosario will take...
70 mins: GOAL! Slammed emphatically off the underside of the crossbar and bounding into the net. Green dives to his left and De Rosario shoots straight. Twice in this game, we've seen goals within 90 seconds of one another. 3-2 MLS XI
71 mins: GO-OH, no, it's not. De Rosario's powerful run down the middle feeds Angel on the left, and he smashes it home. Except he was offside, but not by much. The crowd goes mad, but the goal doesn't count. Still 3-2. Somewhere in all the maelstrom, Onstad (the 3rd and final Canuck on the roster) comes in for Reis.
Beckham swings in a neat cross that Green stumbles out to punch clear, and the resulting corner amounts to another near-miss. As I mentioned a few minutes ago, the gap between a bench full of first-teamers (MLS All-Stars) and a bench full of teens and reserves from a middling English club (West Ham) is becoming rather apparent.
74 mins: I've never seen a middle-aged right winger who stays glued to his sideline get so many people excited before. He whips in cross after cross ineffectually but the crowd is insane for him. It must feel rather good.
/jealous
Stanislas comes in for West Ham? Stokes? Someone with a name beginning with S.
78 mins: More phonecalls, but the hysteria of the match has calmed down considerably. Still MLS push forward, and West Ham are just in scrappy survival mode. It's alright given that it's the English preseason. To be fair, they've acquitted themselves well tonight, and that penalty was a little weak.
80 mins: De Rosario's causing plenty of trouble, making Ferdinand look rather shaky and useless. Ashton, the two-goal hero, leaves the game to be replaced by Kyel Reid. Oh, and it was Stanislas who came on a few minutes ago, replacing the healthy Julien Faubert. I am convinced JP Dellacamera kept calling him "Flaubert" when he touched the ball, which leads me to two possible conclusions:
1. He is an idiot
2. He is a really big fan of French romanticist writers of the 1800s
Which is true?!?!??
84 mins: Both teams are fading somewhat now, and while the crowd is as loud and vocal as ever (and it's great to listen to), the teams are not matching that intensity as we slowly wind down. A long ball forward to Cole gets chested down at the top of the box to Parker, and Mastroeni's clumsy challenge gets them a free-kick right in front.
87 mins: Reid hits the free kick clumsily into the wall and that's the end of that action. The ball does break into the box off the deflection, and a Hammer gets booted in the head as the two players both challenge for the ball; one leads with his head, the MLS lad with his foot. (Who was involved? I missed their names! Damn you bourbon, ruining my short-term memory)
Another sub for the MLS All-Stars, as Buddle and Ralston come in for Hejduk and Bornstein.
Boa Morte whips a vicious cross in from the left, just inches from the Hammer at the far post. Coulda shoulda been 3-3. Into added time, and Stokes comes in for Cole. Cole's played well, but he won't look this good when the EPL rolls around.
Four minutes added on.
90 mins + 2: A tired challenge on Donovan by Neill yields another free-kick, this one miles from goal. Of course Beckham is preening and standing over the ball to take.
Shit, came close! Joseph clatters it on goal, and it's narrowly deflected wide.
90 mins + 3: A decent move forward by West Ham, but Parker can't find help at the top of the box and the MLS sweep away from danger.
90 mins + 4: FULL TIME. 3-2 MLS All-Stars. Blanco rushes out to midfield to do the handshakes, and the shirt-exchanging begins. De Rosario really made a difference, didn't he? I'm waiting for endless, needless close-ups of Becky Pants, but to no ava-WAIT, there he is!
FULL-TIME Guys, guys, guys... please stop. I will never say anything nice about Beckham (especially not tomorrow in a nice little post). He's now being interviewed, and I swear, he's dull as dishwater.
Blanco is shown stood quietly in the middle, not being interviewed, and you just know he's jealous that Becks gets the post-game Q&A when really, he didn't do much. He didn't deserve an assist for his thrilling 10-yard pass to Blanco on Gomez' goal, and if anyone other than Blanco gets Man of the Match, then I might have to eat razorblades for dinner. Fuck. I hope that doesn't happen.
FULL-TIME Bigus: Faubert was rather anonymous. Granted, it's a pre-season friendly on plastiturf, but even so... not much to write home about. I'd hold judgment until October, when we probably will be able to say outright that he's crap. Not worth what they paid for him, that's for sure. He's probably do well at Spurs, a team with no ambition but loads of money to waste.
POST-GAME Phew, thank g-d this one's over. All joking aside, it was a good match for the most part. Lots of speedy, attacking football and some well-taken goals. Now let's see Rob Stone hand over the Man of the Match trophy... Commish gets a few words of fluff first... and, your winner is?
Blanco! He's still an obnoxious oaf, but he played well tonight. Not really that difficult against the Australian donkey Lucas Neill and Ferdinand the lesser, but he made the most of it. Time for some words... Stone asks him what this win and this award means to Mexico, Europe, The USA and the rest of the world. I am confused as to what that question means, exactly.
Christ, now they're asking him, for question #2 of this interview... what was it like to play with David Beckham? Fuck me sideways with a zamboni. That's the follow-up question? Christ almighty. Blanco should have punched him out. Damn you, Stone!
Donovan didn't do shit. Let's not run away with the hyperbole. It was a good match, MLS deserved to win, but it doesn't do much to improve the standing of MLS around the world, lad. It's a pre-season game for the 5th or 6th best team in London!
END Alright, you've all gone, so I'm off too. Thanks for playing along and following the fun with us, and now it's time to get back to drinking.
From Toronto:
MLS All-Stars 3, West Ham United 2
Hoolahan. The tricky winger joined Norwich this summer.
Bloomfield Rd. Will expansion yield persuasive powers?
Hoolahan. The tricky winger joined Norwich this summer.
Bloomfield Rd. Will expansion yield persuasive powers?
Pizza Pillock. Southgate chows down after penalty miss.
