What passes for love these days?
Is it those "____ is engaged" or "in a relationship" tags on Facebook? Is it driving 10 hours only to get caught on video sucking a pink dildo by two Scousers? Is it the mighty pre-nuptial agreement? Is is setting a World Record for kissing?
I say no to all these things.
In this day and age, love is turning down a lucrative Playboy offer so as not to ruin good contact with your ex-husband. That's what the delightful Jaciara Dias decided to do, and they might even get back together.
And judging by this picture, Deco, the ex-husband in question, is a very lucky man.
From the Daily Mail, a newspaper whose plan for surviving the economic crash appears to be printing nothing but pictures of hot women in bikinis:Deco admitted he was shocked by Scolari's sacking last week and explained that he rejected other offers to hook up with his former national team boss in west London. But he may be ready to at least return to Dias's arms following a lengthy split dating back to last March.
That's lovely! Love is not dead after all!
She said: 'Playboy offered me a lot of money for me to pose naked. I would say that it was a millionaire proposal. It was a good opportunity, but I didn't accept because I do not want to spoil the good contact that I have with Deco at the moment. I have the opportunity to grow in other ways, to show my value as a model and actress.'
Deco does have a new girlfriend, or at least did when he signed for Spartak London in the summer, but Dias doesn't care. She still loves the pint-sized midfielder:"I do not know if they are still together," said Dias. "What I can guarantee is that we have a very good relationship, that all those sorrows and the trauma of separation are left behind. At the beginning everything was very difficult and painful but now... thank God."
Here's hoping it all works out. 
A new manager at Stamford Bridge who should turn things around, and the chance of love again with his former wife! What more could he ask for?
UF feels like we should offer some advice to Deco, because getting back with exes isn't all fun and games. It helps when they're gorgeous, of course, but the crazy will still be there just under the surface, ready to flare up at any given moment.
Oh, and you'd drive yourself mad thinking about the things she may have been doing while you guys weren't together (including, but not limited to, some dalliances with former teammate and ex-Portugal captain Fernando Couto).
So take it under advisement. In the words of UF's resident love guru MoonshineMike, "it's not all peaches and cream, BUT she is so uber hot so that helps ease the crazy."
To be continued...
Monday, February 16, 2009
It's not all bad news for Spartak London players involved with gorgeous women
Lamps is missing 12.5 million pounds
Spartak midfielder Frank Lampard might well be looking at a summer of coupon-cutting, with the news this morning that his fiancee, Elen Rives (the bread of this lady-text-lady sandwich), is breaking up with him.
They never married, but she'll probably leave with half his fortune.
This stuff is never pretty, especially as they have two children caught in the middle, but I'm sure they'll sort something out, for their sake if nothing else.
The problems appear to revolve around some cheating on Lamps' part, although as part of the financial deal, she'll likely be signing confidentiality papers, meaning we'll never hear all the sordid details of his infidelities (clearly not a thought that ever occurred to Danielle Lloyd), which is probably a good thing.
And so, the speculation begins. What went wrong?Friends of Lampard have put the split down to the trauma brought on by the death of his mother Pat in April.
Stay classy, Frank. Apparently, thanks to Mrs. Jay-Z, you should have put a ring on it if you liked it.
But the seeds of the break-up appear to have been sown when Miss Rives, 30, twice endured allegations of his infidelity. Friends of the model said she has never forgiven him for his alleged fling with an eastern European brunette during a boys-only jaunt to Las Vegas two years ago. Lampard, 30, was pictured with the woman by a tabloid newspaper and is said to have spent four hours with her in a villa.
'Elen felt humiliated by the whole episode,' said a friend. 'Frank has also never given her an adequate explanation for what he was doing, so it has simply festered. 'He has also not followed through on his promise to make her his wife - but it is the Las Vegas trip which has done all the real damage.'
Lampard had been accused of playing away before. In 2006 a woman claimed she had sex with him at a hotel in Barcelona - Miss Rives's home city.
However, Elen is no angel either:The footballer, meanwhile, is said to have been enraged to discover in a Sunday newspaper that his fiancée had been married before. A friend of Lampard said: 'There was Elen going on to Frank about the importance of being honest with one another when she had been married and never told him.'
(I'm betting the friend is EBJT)
And so, another footballer's relationship ends in tatters, and right after Valentine's Day too. Michael Chopra still had it worse.
So Frank. Today, wake up, get down to training, and figure out how to be more influential in games. Your last excuse just walked out the door.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Let's be careful out there
Facebook is both awesome and scary. It's awesome when some girl starts chatting you up about your fandom of Manchester United and invites you over for a shag. It's scary when she turns out not to exist because you've just been put on by two Liverpool supporters. It hits this blog when they tell your wife about what you've done, and then put the picture you sent the fictitious"her" with a pink vibrator in your mouth all over the interwebs.
So, yeah, there's a lot of bedroom FAIL going on with United supporters lately. Next thing you know, we'll be reading about Sir Alex shagging sheep. Crap, no wait, that's a joke on Aberdeen. Strike that.
Speaking of Aberdeen, it's about 400 miles away from Sheffield, where Stuart Slann lives. Back on January 31st, Mr. Slann took up the invitation of one "Emma" for a meetup in Aberdeen. Emma Read is the Facebook nom de plume of one of two Liverpool supporters Stuart had met on holiday in Cancun back in November. Long story short, it did not end well.
Winding back to November, we find out that Stuart vacayed in Cancun for three weeks. During that time (at the bar, natch) Stuart got to know a couple of Scousers, who were also in the Yucatan for some winter sun. By all accounts, everything was amiable for a bit, but the Liverpool boys, who just happen to be cage fighters, eventually tired of Stuart's bragging on Manchester United. One night, they challenged him to sing some Liverpool songs. Stuart refused, and the cage fighters threw Slann into the pool, breaking his ankle. However, their revenge was not complete.
Upon return, as told by "Emma" on this Facebook page, one of the Scousers decided Stuart needed a little bit more winding up. Under the onlne guise of Emma he contacted Stuart on Facebook, and got Slann to fall in love with "her." Emma then invited Stuart up just north of Aberdeen for a romantic tryst.
Slann dutifully made the 10-hour trip and even waited while his online love had to stay late at work. Emma then asked for Stuart to send a picture of him being saucy. Stuart complied with a picture of him sucking on the pink vibrator.
After sitting for three hours without Emma showing up, Stuart finally decided to call up Emma and find out exactly what the hold up was. Imagine his surprise when he heard a couple of all too familiar voices. This video combines both the picture and that phone call.
Now Stuart's in a whole heap of a mess. His wife (oh, did I forget to mention he was married?) is leaving him, and the above video on Break is approaching 500k views. How does Stuart feel about it? Well, someone was good enough to take a screenshot of his Facebook page upon his return home. I'd say he's not happy.
Anyway, let his be your UF The More You Know moment. If you will excuse me, I have to go delete some people whom I don't really remember from high school. I suggest you do the same and apply caution in you future endeavors on that wonderful/evil site.
Ligue 1 Weekend Review
This weekend in Ligue 1 saw only 2 clubs fail to score, a multitude of red cards, and several contenders for the Goal-Scorer to Get Carded (GSTGC) award. The result of the week goes to Toulouse FC, who beat Sochaux-Montbeliard to vault into the 4th spot in the table.
Saturday, February 14th:
Auxerre 2-0 Lille - Auxerre took fewer shots, had less possession (43% - 57%) and were down to 10 men, yet they prevailed thanks to 2 early goals. Lille started better, with Bastos forcing a save from Auxerre GK Sorin in the 7th minute. The GK was called into action again in the 21st minute when he stopped a header from Cheyrou. Just 10 minutes later they were on the wrong side as a poor clearance resulted in the ball finding its way to Jelen, who still needed 2 shots to get past Lille GK Malicki. Bastos had 2 chances to equalize, being saved by Sorin in the 32nd minute and hitting the post in the 33rd minute. Then in the 35th minute Auxerre put away the match with some crisp passing through the midfield, ending with a goal from Chafni. Lille must have had some hope when Kahlenberg was given a straight RC in the 78th minute (and had his gaffer sent to the stands for arguing the card), but 10-man Auxerre did not let up the pressure and secured the 3 points.
Bordeaux 1-1 Grenoble - Bordeaux dominated the match but saw points (and their place in the top 4) slip away with a late Grenoble goal. Cavenaghi provided much of the pressure, hitting the crossbar early and forcing a save from Grenoble GK Wimbee in the 30th and 42nd minutes. The second half was much the same way, with Cavenaghi forcing another save from Wimbee in the 59th minute. This time the rebound came out to Chamakh who calmly finished to give Bordeaux the 1-0 lead. Auxerre struck back in the 76th minute when a poor clearance from Bordeaux GK Rame fell to Courtois. The latter hit the post with his shot, but Cesar slotted home the rebound. Grenoble had a chance to steal all 3 points, but Feghouli hit the crossbar in the 84th minute.
Caen 1-1 Lorient - Both clubs maintained their winless streaks by playing to a draw in a contentious match that saw 10 YCs given out (including 2 to Lorient's Genton). Caen scored on their first decent opportunity of the match with Savidan sending home a pass from Deroin in the 34th minute. Lorient struck back almost immediately after the restart when GK Audard sent a long ball to Morel, who sent in a cross that was headed home by Saifi. Audard then distinguished himself on his own end, making a fantastic double save on Eluchans to preserve the draw.
Le Mans 1-2 Nice - Le Mans once again failed to get their 1st win under new gaffer Daniel Jeandupeux as they allowed 2 late goals to Nice. Early in the match a pass from Andre to Le Tallec resulte in a shot from the latter that hit the post. Nice responded through ben Saada, who hit the crossbar in the 30th minute and forced a save from Le Mans GK Roche in the 44th minute. Le Mans struck first, getting a goal from a difficult angle from Helstad in the 52nd minute. Nice got the equalizer in the 76th minute from Fae, followed shortly by 2 dismissals for fighting in the 77th minute as Cerdan received his 2nd YC and Remy was given a straight RC. The match-winner came in exciting fashion in the 90th minute, as a cheeky backheel attempt was stopped by Roche only for Traore to slam home the rebound.
Rennes 1-1 Nancy - Throughout most of the match Nancy appeared to consist solely of Hadji on offense and Bracigliano manning the goal. In the 5th minute Hadji forced a save from Rennes GK Douchez, and a short while later Bracigliano stopped Briand. Just before the whistle Bracigliano was called upon again, stopping Pagis. The goal finally came in the 57th minute when Dia set up Hadji for the easy finish, earning Hadji the GSTGC award for the week. The latter should have had a brace in the 84th minute after stealing a pass, but he was denied by Douchez. Nancy immediately came to rue that miss as Hannson sent in a cross for Briand to finish, providing the equalizer.
Valenciennes 1-1 Nantes - In the 4th 1-1 draw of the day, Valenciennes managed to hang on to an early goal to remain unbeaten in their last 6 matches. In the 9th minute Neves was denied by Valenciennes GK Penneteau, and Nantes were on the back foot just 5 minutes later when Rafael volleyed home a shot off a corner kick. Nantes GK Alonzo was under pressure from that point on, stopping Tiene in the 30th minute and Saez in the 37th minute. The pressure shifted in the second half, and Nantes equalized in the 60th minute when Klasnic dribbled past 2 defenders and left Penneteau flat-footed. Alonzo preserved the draw in the 70th minute with a magnificent double-save on Audel and Puyol.
Paris Saint-Germain 2-1 Saint-Etienne - Saint-Etienne had 65% of the possession and committed 19 fouls, both of which were a result of playing from behind for most of the match. PSG struck in the 26th minute when a Camara header was cleared off the line only for Sakho to slam home the rebound. Saint-Etienne equalized almost immediately when Machado hit the crossbar and Payet finished the rebound. Unfortunately for Saint-Etienne, it took PSG only 3 minutes to regain the lead, as Giuly sent in a fantastic cross for Clement to head home in the 36th minute. Payet looked for his brace in the 55th minute but his shot was over the bar. PSG had 2 more chances to increase their lead, but Sessegnon shot over the bar in the 69th minute and Saint-Etienne GK Janot stopped Luyindula in the 89th minute.
Sunday, February 15th:
Lyon 3-1 Le Havre - Lyon took 18 shots (9 on goal) and had 61% of the possession in a truly dominant performance that solidified their place at the top of the table. In the 9th minute Benzema forced Le Havre GK Revault into an outstanding save, and in the 12th minute a parried Benzema shot came out to Grosso only for the latter to be stopped by Revault as well. In the 30th minute Makoun had a header cleared off the line, and then the nightmare began for Le Havre. In the 34th minute Ederson abused defender Franquart for an easy finish. In the 45th minute Franquart deflected an attempted cross directly to the feet of Keita who finished to give Lyon a 2-0 lead. Le Havre spent the rest of the match on their heels, forced into numerous fouls (which earned Mensah 2 YCs). Lyon quashed any notions of a comeback in the 74th minute when free-kick specialist Juninho sent in a 30-yard masterpiece for the 3-0 lead (2-minute mark on the video). Le Havre avoided the shutout with a Nestor header in the 82nd minute.
Sochaux 1-2 Toulouse - Toulouse needed a little help to take all 3 points, and Sochaux defender Faty was clearly the goat of the match. A free-kick from Mathieu early in the match forced a save from Sochaux GK Richert, and the latter's club responded in the 12th minute when Afolabi finished off a Maurice-Belay free-kick to the back post. Sochaux should have had a 2nd goal in the 19th minute but Sverkos' volley hit the crossbar. They did get another goal in the 34th minute, but it was an OG from Faty, as he tried to head the ball clear. The collapse was complete in the 67th minute when a cross from Capoue found Ligue 1-leading scorer Gignac, who dribbled past Faty and scored easily.
Monaco 0-1 Marseille - The club from the principality suffered their 6th home loss of the season as their drop down the table continued. Early in the match Cheyrou shot directly at Monaco GK Ruffier for an easy save. Pressure then came in the other direction, as Mollo went barely wide with a free-kick in the 15th minute, shot wide in the 20th minute, and had a free-kick saved by Marseille GK Mandanda in the 27th minute. In the 45th minute Mandanda made a stellar double-save on Adriano and Licata, with the latter also being stopped by the GK just after the restart. The breakthrough finally came in the 77th minute when Kone got onto the end of a deflected cross to give Marseille the 1-0 lead and the 3 points. Freddy Adu watch: Once again, not even on the bench.
So, after Matchday 24 the top of the table looks like this: (1) Lyon, with 49 points on a 14-7-3 record and a +17 goal differential; (2) Paris Saint-Germain, with 45 points on a 14-3-7 and a +10 goal differential; (3) Marseille, with 44 points on a 12-8-4 record and a +14 goal differential; and (4) Toulouse, with 44 points on a 12-8-4 record and a +11 goal differential.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Mark Hughes is not enjoying Valentine's Day
In the day's only Premiership action, Citeh lost to Pompey 2-0, perhaps condemning Sparky to the sack. His Wikipedia page says he is still employed, but that could change. So far all of the FA Cup games have ended in draws, and Chelsea and Watford are at nil nil in the second half. Elsewhere PSV is hosting AZ Alkmaar, and Barca seeks to continue their torrid stretch against Real Betis. Feel free to profess your love for Lionel Messi here.
Friday, February 13, 2009
Friday Backpasses: He blew in Scotland. Then he got better
Record ratings for the US-Mexico match [NYT Goal blog]
Hurt feelings at Wisla Krakow-Spartak Moscow friendly match [101 Great Goals]
The next England shirt is fugly [Football Shirt Culture]
Another day, another NSFW list of Italian WAGs [WhyGo Italy]
Russel Brand takes a 5-year-old to Wast Ham match [Guardian]
Peter Kenyon duped on the radio [The Spoiler]
Finally:
Gennaro Gattuso has an odd pregame ritual [Eleven Devils]
UF Presents: Valentine's Day Love Poetry!
We hope you are enjoying today's special Valentine's Day festivities.
Although we have declared our undying love for Kickette, there is more where that came from...
FOR KICKETTE
Footie love we share
Handbags in our plot too
Us: dust-ups ends in red
You: Birkin bags in blue
For Valentines we choose you
--by the Fan's Attic
And, there's even more bad wonderful poetry below. After the jump you will see how our hearts overfloweth onto thyn keyboard to thee our poor, poor unsuspecting readers. Please try your hand in the comments, but trust us, the bar has been sent very high.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I'd like to mark you tightly
And come in studs up too.
--Sven
AN ODE TO GAEL CLICHY:
A defensive master
although just a young pup
no one is faster
you always catch up.
I love thee Gael Clichy
even though I'm not gay
you in the back is just peachy
you save our arse day after day.
Remain a Gunner you must
playing at the Emirates
watching you I'm just
the guy who...
Never mind.
--by the NY Kid
AN ARSENAL HAIKU
Please, please, please Arsene
Sign some depth to the damn squad
And heal Rosicky
--by Precious Roy
ANOTHER ARSENAL HAIKU
I hate Arsenal
I fucking hate Arsenal
I hate Arsenal
--by Autoglass
Women like nagging.
Women are late.
Kick off's on time.
It's football thats great.
Football is honest
Football is true
I do love my football
except those c*nts in the blue
Its yellow and green.
that does it for me.
I do love my Norwich.
I'm sick you'll agree.
But City dont lie.
and they don't make you iron.
they just lose every weekend.
and leave you a crying.
--by Bigus
TO FERNANDO TORRES
Nando, Nando, Nando,
your goals are so sweet
Nando, Nando, Nando,
your hair can't be beat
Nando, Nando, Nando,
please win us th'EPL
Nando, Nando, Nando,
I'd follow you into hell
Torres, Torres, Torres,
Liverpool's number nine
Torres, Torres, Torres,
With us, you sure do shine.
Now score some f*cking goals against Man United.
--by Lingering Bursitis
Hucker hucker be
I love thee
Your pointy spikey hair flows. down the touchline it goes.
Your goals to games tally is fine. Like the finest of fine wines.
You are a wing man.
To me you are the king man.
--by Bigus
TO THE TUNE OF "WE'RE AN AMERICAN BAND"
Saturday morn at 7.30
Last night's drinking has got me in a haze
Fire up the computer
Searching for a feed as my eyes glaze
Hull City away to Pompey
I got to tell you it's my thing
Two teams in a 4-5-1
May sound dire, but it makes me sing
I'm an American fan
I'm an American fan
I'll watch about any match
Hope for a Spurs loss, natch
I'm an American fan
--by ü75
I wandered lonely as Robbie Keane
That floated on high o'er Anfield's 4-2-3-1
When all at once I saw a crowd
Celebrating another Gerrard goal.
Beside Stanley Park, beneath John Lennon Airport,
I packed my bags and fucked off back to Spurs.
--by Lingering Bursitis
My name is Robbie Keane.
I had a childhood dream.
To play for pool, I'm such a fool.
As dreams aint what they seem.
--by Bigus
The players stroll onto the pitch
We close our eyes and make this wish
Oh please, this match let there be
Not just one goal but two or three
The celebrations do begin
We hope our team will surely win
The whole time we never trailed
It finally ends, we have prevailed
We cheer and do our victory dance
On couches, wearing underpants
--by Spectator
And one more...
RED CARD: ODE TO GARY DOHERTY
I'm sorry ginger pele
For calling you a c*nt
I was listening on the radio,
They said you caught him blunt.
And then I saw the replay.
Your genius was punished.
Its Andy D'urso who's the c*nt
His face should be demolished.
So sorry ginger pele,
for judging you too quick.
I will not do it anymore.
"He's off!'... Ahh Grounds YOU PRICK!
--Bigus
Wookin' pa nub in all da wong paces
Suppose you are an English footballer. You have two things to do in life. You go to train for maybe a couple of hours in the morning, and then you spend the rest of the time wooing a female populace who all want to be WAGs. There may be some other incidental stuff, but that's the gist of it. The endgame in the WAG search is that you move her from the G file to the W file and spend the rest of your life tolerating each other as long as he makes money and she stays thin, just like the Beckhams.
Sometimes, though, that type of fairy tale ending just doesn't happen, and she ends up dumping you on the Facebooks while you are on loan in Wales.
Michael "D-Pack" Chopra has had a rocky season. He has spent time at both Sunderland and Cardiff City, with a second loan deal to the Welsh side completed just 55 seconds before the deadline of the winter transfer window. The word is that he will sign for Cardiff in the close season, and, well, that just won't do for his wife of seven months.
You see, Heather Swan is a woman of cultivated tastes. Such women cannot be moved out of Sunderland. Not only is she decently good-looking, she is also a Reality TV star. Top shelf stuff there lads.
Anyway, to the crux of the story. As Mirror wrote up yesterday, Swan notified the world of her intent to leave Chopra by changing her relationship status on Facebook to Single. It shouldn't have surprised the Bluebirds striker, as she had moved out after four weeks of marriage, but he still did not take the news well. His response was to cancel her mobile phone service.
Unfortunately, it was too late. If one were to blindly believe the wikipedia link above (and why wouldn't you?), Swan has already announced her engagement to another fella. I bet he can't wait for the month and a half of bliss to follow.
The best part of the article, for me, lies in the last paragraph. It seems that the only positive for Swan of the marriage was their one-year-old son. Now, I wasn't a Math(s) major, but I think that kid popped out well before the nuptials. Perhaps, instead, he was the best thing about the engagement. Either way, I hope that kid fares better than this one. Oh look, that dad's a Cardiff player too (and look at those late to arrive comments; We had not seen those). No hope for the kid then, I guess.
If you have been missing out on the Facebook fun, come join our group. There's some (not much) exclusive content on there, and you can play "guess which commenter is which" with the real names. No fair picking out which one is Mike Georger.
Spotted on Off the Post, a neccesary daily go-to site.
Babies Having Babies
Tomorrow is Valentine's Day and assuredly there will be some babymaking going on, or at the very least the act of and not necessarily actual babymaking. What's that have to do with soccer? Besides soccer being sexy and a good metaphor for a sex life because it often ends in scores of 1-0, it has to do with this young, very young, Manchester United fan who just became a father.
As seen in The Sun, Alfie Patten is a proud new father. Congratulations are in order because Alfie has managed to fertilize an egg before he grew hair down there. The boy is only 13!! Which means he was probably twelve when this all went down. The mother is 15.
I implore you to look at the photos The Sun has, it shocks the mind. Although, it only figures a ManU fan could be so foolish.
Up The City! I’m Begging You…
This week, my good mate, Bigus Dickus’ Norwich City Canaries head to Preston North End for yet another critical match in their drive to again survive to fight another year in the Football League Championship.
After Chelsea, there is no football club on the planet that I follow more closely. There is no football club who’s week-to-week fortunes affect my very happiness. Norwich’s relegation scraps have me on the edge of my seat.
Why do I care deeply about some two-bit Anglian club run by a drunk fry-cook and her incompetent boardmates? Because they are my Tortured Friend’s Team. Find out what this means after the jump…
Bigus is my good mate. We’ve shared many a fantastic evening. We wind each other up into a (mostly) friendly rage most every week talking football. And if you are a mate of Bigus’, Norwich City is in your life.
Norwich City are my cross to bear because they are Bigus’ cross to bear. Much like my wife has had to suffer the slings and arrows of being married to a Buffalo Bills fan – the foul moods, the exultation-followed-by-inevitable-heartbreak – I suffer with Norwich because I can’t stand the thought of watching my good mate’s team drop to (shudder) League One. The lad would be devastated. I can’t bear the thought of watching him endure such a thing.
So every week, like a Stockholm-Syndrome victim, I follow the ins and outs of Carrow Road. I check the table. I follow the transfer rumours. I try to figure out how in hell a club in Norwich’s position could possibly hire an utterly inexperienced manager at such a critical time. I do the points math. I try to figure out how many points Watford’s two matches in hand are worth.
I do this because Norwich are in my life as surely as they are in Bigus’ life. Last Spring, there were a group of us dying every Saturday as Norwich stumbled to safety. There were weeks when a critical Chelsea victory somehow mattered less to my state of mind than a Norwich away draw.
Now, you might think that I would hate Norwich for this. Hate them like I hate the demons that have ruined other friends’ lives. Demons like alcohol, depression or cancer. But I worship Demon Chelsea. I have a Blue fever to Bigus’ Yellow. I can’t help but sweat every result in the Canary saga.
England, too. Do you remember watching England with your English mates the last, say, 20 major international tournaments? Have you bought an England shirt in fellowship? Does the thought of PKs haunt your dreams?
Or do you have a Tottenham supporter friend? If so, nothing more need be said.
Who is your Tortured Friend’s Team?
How have you debased yourself cheering them on for your friend?
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