Isn't It a Bit Early for This?

Something called The Frisky has a list of the Ten Craziest Sex Stories of 2009.

It's May. We're not even to the halfway point of '09. Jesus keep your clothes on people.

Anyway we bring this up because our friends Nives Celsius and Dino Drpic have made the list.

If you recall, Celsius (or is it 'Celzijus'?), the Playboy model wife of the Croatian defender, went on TV and bragged that she and Dino had sex on that pitch at Dinamo Zagreb's Maksimir Stadium. The club must have been knowledgeable to some extent as Drpic had even arranged for the lights to be turned on for the pitch promiscuity.

Drpic was shipped out on loan to Bundesliga side Karlsruher SC shortly thereafter.

Just a heads up, the stock photo image that The Frisky used to adorn their list is a bit creepy. We prefer Celsius as pictured above. Or if you're sleazier, there's some added NSFW Nives here.

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Tomas Ujfalusi has a hooker problem + UPDATE

You can clearly see he's blocked up. Give him a break, CFA!

Atletico Madrid defender and Czech Republic captain Tomas Ujfalusi has endured a difficult season at the international level. With just 3 games left to qualify for WC 2010, they're sitting 4th in their group behind Northern Ireland (!), Poland and Slovakia, and their chances of turning it around are slim.

Coach Petr Rada and his entire management staff have already felt the burn, being fired en masse by the Czech Football Association, and now Ujfalusi is under the cosh too, along with 6 other senior players.

It's not for poor form, mind you; it's for being caught with prostitutes.

(be forewarned: mildly NSFW pic after the jump)

Two Czech tabloids published the pictures of the lads cavorting with ladies of the night, and as part of the radical overhaul, the CFA decided to gut the entire team as well as management for their transgressions. Guess this will help them qualify now, right? No manager and a team full of new faces?

From the article:

The sacked players are Atletico Madrid defender Tomas Ujfalusi, Galatasaray striker Milan Baros, West Ham defender Radoslav Kovac, Frankfurt striker Martin Fenin, Reading midfielder Marek Matejovsky and Sochaux striker Vaclav Sverkos.

The decision does not necessarily mean a lifetime ban for the players - it will be up to the new coach to decide on their nomination in the future, the association said.

You can imagine that few of 'em would not want to come back after such a scandal and public humiliation. Ujfalusi is already announcing retirement from international football after his disgrace, though choosing to denounce the team's current form as the main reason for his decision.

Tomas Ujfalusi: no stranger to the naked arts

Personally, I think the CFA is off their rocker. Maybe they're taking their cue from the Scots and their lifetime bans for their former captain, but the whole thing reeks of desperation. Failure to impress in qualifying already led them to toss out their entire management structure, so why not use it as a good time to cast off the deadwood too?

Anyway, those of you thinking of betting on the Czechs for WC2010 should apply their money elsewhere. I think they're content to wait another four years for their turn.

In the meantime, he and his teammates should take the Arctic Monkeys' advice when it comes to hookers:



UPDATE
Oh, and the best part? Ujfalusi's been in trouble for this before! I guess it's just how the Czechs roll.

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Not Entirely Sure "Burn" Is the Term You Want Your Fans To Associate With Sex

Burnley FC, the team that almost screwed all of EPL London in the Carling Cup, isn't done with screwing just yet.

They have teamed up with something called 'The Condom Collective' to hand out condoms at Saturday's match against Sheffield Wednesday.

I image that sentence confuses people who don't know anything about English soccer.

But hey, sex and football. If they could offer up free beer, they'd hit the trifecta. Although Burnley isn't exactly handing out sexual partners, so there's still some work to be done.

Anyway club-branded condoms will indeed by handed out to supporters at Turf Moor this weekend. However, people can also have them "issued" to them if they are A) under 25 and B) undergo a Chlamydia screening.

Wait, isn't Chlamydia Marta's strike partner on the Brazilian women's national team?

We're not sure what the distinction is between "handing out" and "issuing" and we're not sure why the club only cares about the sexual health of people under the age of 25, but hey, anything that encourages more fucking but doesn't involve Jermain Defoe, we're totally in favor of.

By the way, the old dude on the left... he totally makes us want to do it. Yeah, you try not having his face and that of Sick Boy next to him pop into your head next time you're getting laid.

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World Soccer Pornography Daily

Sometimes I stream World Soccer Daily. One of the nice things about the stream is that it runs on a two-hour loop. It goes live from noon to 2 pm (Central), then the entire show restarts from the beginning about 2 pm. So if you're not listening at noon, you can just wait for it to finish then flip back to the start again. It's not a seamless loop as often several minutes pass after 2 pm before the rerun begins.

Today, I started to catch the show sometime during the second hour and, having missed the bulk of the festivities, waited for it to loop back around.

Then I started hearing people fucking.

Really. The silence on my computer speakers was interrupted not by Kenny Hassan but by a woman's moans. Listen for yourself (warning mp3 link and definitely NSFW). I managed to get an audio recorder app open to catch the streams before the sound cut out and the show cut back in.

Just a reminder if you work in broadcasting, every mic is a live mic.

And if you're the show's producer, you probably want to make sure you clean your load off the board before Monday's show.

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Sex is For Winners

Italian scientists are really at the forefront of scientific discovery. No, it's not a discovery about the perfect number of meatballs in Spaghetti Bolognese--the answer is 8. Standing upon the shoulders of Fermi, Galileo and Da Vinci, Italian researchers have finally discovered the key to sexual performance.

Chiara Simonelli, associate professor of the psychology of emotional and sexual development at Rome's La Sapienza university, has found a direct link between a man's sexual performance and the performance of his favorite team.

"If the team close to his heart loses, he's depressed, his desire falls and the sex fades away," she said on Friday at the presentation of the 2008 report on, Italians in Bed.

Simonelli went on to say that Paul Jewell appears to be the exception to the rule. Derby County is losing at a record rate, yet he still seems to be getting it up. Must be a masochist.

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