What awaits in the Quarter-Finals?

How will the bastard fix this one?

Now that the CL Round of 16 is over and the dust has settled, we're ready for whatever's next. Platini can't have been happy that all 4 teams from that league he hates have made it through to the next round, which now gives him a week or two to figure out how to rig the draw.

We have a few ideas of our own after the jump. Who do you think will end up playing who?

Not surprisingly, we're all kinda envisioning some all-English clashes. Despite several efforts to figure out probabilities of 2 all-English QFs or no all-English QFs, I don't think we figured it out, so give us your best math professor impersonation in the comments. Sorry. We're just better at crass jokes.

Precious Roy:
Barca v. Porto
Bayern v. Villareal
Arsenal v. Chelsea (fixed)
Liverpool v. United (fixed)

Not bad. Entertainment with the Rafa/Fergie showdown, a London derby is always nice for ratings, while ze Germans get a soft draw and Barca get another plaything to bat around before advancing.

Spectator:
United v Porto
Barca v. Bayern
Arsenal v. Liverpool
Villareal v. Chelsea

Far more cynical, although the odds of United and Spartak getting the soft draw is rather high. Happens all the fucking time, oh, and with a Gooner/Scouse tilt, we'd be able to spend the week prior arguing over 500+ emails about the games. Get in.

The Fan's Attic:
United v. Bayern
Chelsea v. Arsenal
Liverpool v. Porto
Villareal v. Barca

Magic! A soft draw for the Scouse, United and Arsenal both mired in tough games, and a little La Liga reunion for the remaining Spaniards. The scoreboards shall all be festooned with 1s and 0s.

Autoglass:
Barca v. Porto
Bayern v. Villareal
Arsenal v. United
Liverpool v. Chelsea

The Blues fan envisions another go-round of the LFC/CFC bullshit that's bored the masses the last 4 years running. Meanwhile, Arsenal kiss goodbye to their CL hopes, and the other two promise to be walkovers.

Ian:
Arsenal v. Bayern
Chelsea v. Liverpool
United v. Villareal
Barca v. Porto

Fergie would shit his pants at this draw. They love running the score up on Villareal, while all their biggest competition will invariably scrap the other matches to death, leaving him to defeat the pallid remains. HOPE THIS DOES NOT HAPPEN.

u75:
Bayern v. Liverpool
Chelsea v. Villareal
Porto v. Barcelona
United v. Arsenal

This outcome would make Georger's head explode. Who would he root for?

The NY Kid:
Arsenal v. Porto
Chelsea v. Liverpool
United v. Bayern
Barcelona v. Villareal

Christ, can everyone stop predicting Chelsea/Liverpool? Oh, and it figures he gives his team the easiest draw.

Lingering Bursitis:
Chelsea v. LFC
Arsenal v. Barcelona
Porto v. Bayern
United v. Villareal

Doomsday. The Arse/Barca would be good for a few goals (reckon Arsenal would win that one, ultimately), the Germans are safe, United are safe, and I get to relive my recurring nightmare of John Arne Riise and his awful, awful header.

The Likely Lad
Arsenal v. Chelsea
Man. U. v. Bayern
Liverpool v. Villareal
Barca v. Porto

This is more my dream draw than any real prediction. Arsenal/Chelsea would be like the Iran/Iraq war, we could just root for carnage. The Man. U. matchup with Bayern would be fun a)cos either Man U. or the krauts would be knocked out and b)cos we'll get to see all the old school footage from the 99 CL final. Liverpool will dickstomp Villareal, allowing me to crow on about how the Rojos should just pack up and play their league ball in Spain. And finally, I want Barca to win this bitch, and while Porto are no walkovers, I think it's a good matchup. Fin.

Thoughts from y'all? The commenter who gets the most correct will win something. A soccer book or somethin'.

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The EPL Weekend Ahead: Life and Death in Stoppage Time

I'm rubbish at predicting scores, and he's rubbish at running a club. Couldn't hurt for us to switch, could it?

Well, I was outright crap last week (4 winners, 0 exact scores), thanks to a slew of 91st and 92nd minute goals that choked any fun out of the rest of the weekend. Stoke daggered my hopes of collecting on a Newcastle win that appeared rock-solid at half-time, Man U needed every last second to steal 3 points that they most definitely deserved, while Hull left it wonderfully late to score their 2 goals and win against 'Boro. Oh, and the Everton/Aston Villa game!

Note to refs: when the wristwatch says 90:00, please just blow the damn whistle. Note to Everton: just because you've equalized late doesn't mean it's full-time. Idiots.

So what awaits this week? Which manager will be canned next, and right before the holidays too (like so many corporations)? It has to be Ince. Yet again they've made headlines in the papers about some meetings they had this week, although if Paul tells us they were routine and par-for-the-course, we should just believe it. Definitely no crisis summit at Ewood Park, nope. Nothing to see here, folks. Move along. After all, they haven't completely bottomed out yet.

One thing he could do before leaving is figure out the Curious Case of Roque Santa Cruz. Does he only score when he feels like it?

Come thinktank with me and my terrible glimpse into the future. It's full of score draws!

Middlesbrough v. Arsenal (kick-off: 7.45am)
I'm just waiting for the letdown, although does midweek count? Their fondness for winning one week, losing the next, means this could be more dropped points for Wenger. I'll go with that again, just because 'Boro have been unlucky lately and Arsenal aren't dominant away from home. 'Boro 1, Arsenal 1

Aston Villa v. Bolton
Might be tougher than expected, but should still be comfortable for the luckiest side in the Midlands. Aston Villa 3, Bolton 1

Liverpool v. Hull
Ugh, this match has TRAP written all over it in big, bold letters. That said, Hull have fatigued a bit over the last 7 weeks (1 win, 3 draws, 3 defeats) but their away form is still impressive: 2nd in away goals scored with 15 (to Chelsea's 21), and they've scored in every single away game too. Surely that run will continue, but LFC have turned it around after those two momentum-killing draws to Fulham and West Ham. Keane will score. How's that for confidence? Liverpool 2, Hull 1

Manchester City v. Everton
A team that's all-strikers v. a team that has no strikers at all. This should be fun. The Mark Hughes Rollercoaster Fun Ride will continue tomorrow with another win against good opposition that will awaken yet more false hope. Poor Joleon Lescott must be soiling himself considering how many small, fast men he'll have to man-mark.
Man City 2, Everton 0

Stoke v. Fulham
Do I have to choose? Stoke 0, Fulham 0

Sunderland v. West Brom
Do I have to choose (Pt.2: Electric Cisse-aloo)? Sunderland 1, West Brom 0

Wigan v. Blackburn
This is Paul Ince managing for his job yet again, although I'm not exactly confident for him. Perhaps it'd be best to just get the messy break-up over and done with now, instead of that weird half-week workweek between Christmas and New Year's Day. They put up a battle when LFC were in town, but Wigan at home should do better than they did last weekend. Wigan 2, Blackburn 1

Tottenham v. Manchester United (kick-off: 12.30pm)
Berbatov will likely wuss out of this sparkling return trip to his old stomping grounds, which is sad considering Spurs fans really do deserve the satisfaction of hounding him mercilessly. Spurs will give up a lot of space in midfield (because that's what they do!), and Fergie's cult will gladly take the early xmas gift. Let's hope Rooney gifts us with another petulant, violent outburst. Tottenham 0, Manchester United 3

Portsmouth v. Newcastle (Sunday, kick-off: 8.30am)
Do I have to choose (Pt. 3: The Re-Kinnearing)? I'm sure Michael Owen's brace last weekend means he's going to go another month without so much as a sniff at goal. That'll bode well for a trip to Fratton Park and the insane fluky volley stylings of Glen Johnson. Portsmouth 2, Newcastle less than nil

Chelsea v. West Ham (Sunday, kick-off: 11am)
Thankfully there's no Monday game this week, but this one will make you long for the workweek's most wretched day, and frankly, that's a sad thing indeed. It's been a while since Scolari ran up the score on someone. Chelsea 4, West Ham 1

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The Weekend Ahead: Managerless Mackems

He's forever blowing Bubbles... and home games

It's probably time to get into the prognostication game, right? We've only missed over a 1/3 of the season, so hopefully our stats won't compare badly to the likes of Cardillo as we get started.

The big question on my mind at the moment: is there anyone in the EPL that actually wants to win the damn thing? It seems like over the last 6 weeks, all the contenders have shown their strengths and flaws in beating each other up, gaining vital away points and then drawing at home to teams who should be skidmarks by this point. Just when someone dares nose ahead, they underachieve and drop back into the muddle.

Looking at November tells it all, really.

Manchester United: Snuck past Hull 4-3, lost at Arsenal, thrashed Stoke, were lucky for a point at Villa Park, scrape a win over their Manchester rivals.

Chelsea: Dismantle Sunderland, Blackburn (Ince is next for the door, obvs) and WBA, only to draw at home to Newcastle and then lose at home to Arsenal.

Liverpool: Lose to Spurs and end unbeaten start to the season, dominate WBA and Bolton, then two consecutive goalless draws at home to Fulham and West Ham.

Arsenal: Lose at Stoke, beat Man U at home, lose to Villa at home, get murdered by Man City, beat Chelsea.

It's the most perplexing thing at this point since trying to locate Carmen Sandiego. Can you remember a season that was this, ahem, evenly-matched in December? Everyone's fallible, all teams are human (and are capable of great error), anything is possible.

Which is making this decision to finally start predicting scorelines seem even more foolhardy. Ah well, hopefully I'll be better at this than Roy Keane was at figuring out which Spurs players to purchase.

Come Teemu Tainio with me after the jump.

Fulham v. Manchester City
Oh good, a difficult one right off the bat. Do you go with the wonderful Bullard, or the tandem of Robinho and Ireland who seem to shit the bed on the road? That's like deciding between Hall and Oates as to which one you liked better. Fulham 1, Manchester City 2

Arsenal v. Wigan
Is the Gallas situation over and done with yet, or is he the walking, talking epitome of a player who only sings when he's winning? I predict a draw, and then further French self-immolation in the media all week. Arsenal 1, Wigan 1

Blackburn v. Liverpool
If ever there was a team you'd want to face when trying to score your first league goal in over two weeks, this would be it. Ince is clinging to his job by a thread, and this defeat will likely finish him off. Ugly Dutchman will find his boots again, and just in time too. All I want for Christmas this year is a healthy Torres. Blackburn 0, Liverpool 3

Bolton v. Chelsea
This is tougher than you'd think. Stupid F*cking Bolton won 4 of their 5 November games, but Luis Felipe Hackman is still seething from last week's Stamford Bridge shaming at the boots of Robin van Injured. It'll be harder than Frank Lampard would like, but the Blues should right the ship a little here. Bolton 0, Chelsea 1

Hull v. Middlesbrough
The first of this weekend's "who gives a fuck?" fixtures. Hull haven't won in 6, 'Boro are an enigma, and this game will be intolerably boring. Hull 2, 'Boro 2

Newcastle v. Stoke
They're not out of the shit just yet, but Joe Kinnear has his side playing with confidence, something that Allardyce seemed to beat out of them like it was a bad thing. The Potters on the road are dire (2 points from 18), so that trend should continue tomorrow. Newcastle 2, Stoke 0

Manchester United v. Sunderland
If I were a gambling man, I'd bet the house on this one. Fuck, I'd bet the car, the children, the flat-screen TV and the Cuisinart blender you got for Christmas last year but have yet to use. Still, it looks nice gathering dust on the kitchen counter. Who said domestication was easy? Man United 4, Sunderland 1

West Bromwich Albion v. Portsmouth (Sunday)
WBA are playing good football, and Pompey are not. It's that simple. Tony Adams is not the second coming of Jose Mourinho. He's not even the second coming of Kevin Keegan. All the losing they've been doing lately, in the league and in Europe, is going to take its toll on that thin squad. Gamble on this one! WBA 1, Portsmouth 0

Everton v. Aston Villa
Villa may have just lost to Vilnius in Europe (ha!), but they did it the Wenger Way, kiddies to the slaughter. The league is an entirely different beast, one with claws and an inability to feel pain. This is their chance to grab hold of 4th place and never look back, although Moyes' tactics will surely aim to choke all life and excitement out of the game. Still, O'Neill's ready. Everton 1, Aston Villa 2

West Ham v. Tottenham
Draw draw draw draw draw Redknapp draw Zola draw draw draw Bent is falling back to earth draw draw draw Gomes mistake draw draw draw draw. Draw. West Ham 1, Tottenham 1

So there you have it. A week in the EPL. If you lose money on these, it's not my fault. Do what everyone in soccer does: Blame Sepp Blatter.

But back to Roy Keane for a quick minute: we knew him as the most volatile player ever to marshal a midfield, right? So why did he slink off so meekly from the Stadium of Light? Thoughts in the comments, please. And give us your predictions too. If you're that much better than us, shit, maybe we should swap positions.

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