Please Style Your Hair Appropriately for the Confederations Cup

The 2009 Confederations Cup is being held in South Africa from June 14th through June 28th as a "dry run" for WC 2010. Stadia need to be ready, crime needs to be dealt with, hookers need to be clean, and hair needs to be appropriately styled.


According to Ideate (a blog dedicated to small businesses in South Africa), adidas' Kopanya campaign encompasses not only the creation of a match ball inspired by African art, but also ads using "barbershop signage as an African art form." Apparently it is considered a measure of fame if you have a particular haircut/hairstyle named after you so adidas has put together this series of ads based around famous players.

The Kaka: Emo mop-top on the pitch?

The Xavi and the Gerrard: Spiky speed?

The Morris, The Pienaar and The Fanteni: The herd mentality?

We're 92.6% certain this is some not so subtle pseudo-viral marketing thing. Fortunately for adidas the posters are pretty sweet, but we do have some questions:

1. Last time we checked, England weren't playing in the Confederations Cup, so why is Stevie G present? Is it because he is one of the centerpieces of their footy adverts?

2. If adidas is using players from teams not even in the Confederations Cup, they are certainly missing the opportunity to explore some better hairstyles. We think they should add Cisse, Fellaini, and Sagna to the mix.

Any other suggestions?

[HT to: Frankie J - who knew this guy read UF?]

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UF Monday MarketPlace

Welcome to the Christmas Congestion edition of the UF Monday MarketPlace. We’re back from a week’s hiatus and hoping your portfolio has not suffered in our absence. In any case, let’s get straight down to it.



BUY! BUY ! BUY!


...until we freak out on national television and tell you to sell the kids for food.

Buy Arsenal— Ughh… this is painful to write. But let’s be fair, Arsenal are about the surest bet in English football these days. The relegation zone is like an off campus bar at midnight, one in, one out. Top of the league is a mess. No one wants it. For reliable returns, pick up stock in the Gunners. They’ve tied Liverpool and beat Chelsea, lost to Stoke and Fulham… they’ll beat Villa next week, then lose home to Pompey a couple days later. And you know what? They’ll still be in 4th/5th place. Deny this, you scum, I dare you.

Buy Fulham— Here’s one the MarketPlace got right a couple weeks ago. Number Eight with a bullet, some decent holiday results and the prospect of European football at the Cottage becomes entirely viable. If they can nab 2 or 3 points from their next two (at Spurs, home for Chelsea) and hold on to Bullard through January’s silly season, I’d say Seventh is theirs to lose.

Buy English teams with financial troubles and troubled assets— hold the line just another ten days lads, Juande Ramos is coming to bail you out. Lassana Diarra for £20 million and Portsmouth are considerably better off than a week ago. There’s still blood lingering in the water, but not like we thought. As for the other rumors—too many to list—let’s just say, for me at least, if they want to pay a cent for Roman Pavlyunchenko, Levy should cover the shipping costs.

Buy The New Manager Effect— Ricky Sbragia… Big Sam… Redknapp and Kinnear a bit earlier… It’s happy hunting for new EPL managers this year. So get ready for Man City to explode in late January. Hughes will be out. Three or four high priced international stars in. David Pleat’s postman could pull these guys out of the relegation zone.

Buy Spanish clubs in the Champs League— Villareal get Panathinaikos, Atletico get Porto, Barcelona get Lyon, and Juande gets Liverpool. At least three of the four go through, the latter being the most in doubt.

Sell! For Chrissakes, Sell it all! Light it on fire, just be done with it!!


...until next week, when everything bounces back but your checking account. Sawwrry.

Sell the Beckham-MLS marriage— The end is nigh. He’ll come back from Milan in the spring, but the next trip out will be the last. With all the talk of building the American game, Youth Academies, etc… it comes down to this: the decision to leave Europe was made in haste. About four years too early. Becks thought he was through for England and Madrid, and so he made his move. But a funny thing happened about five minutes after signing up with Alexi Lalas (Lalas!) McClaren couldn’t qualify for the Euros and Capello was forced to put him back in the lineup. Beckham was caught like Juliet standing over dead Romeo.

Sell Mark Hughes— Captain Obvious says: Unless you’re in this for the long haul, it’s time to make the move. Vote of confidence or not. Only a couple days left now…

Sell The Club World Cup— Not good for business when the highlight of your tournament is a split decision between a Fergie press conference and Carlos Tevez’s touchline tantrum. It’s nice for the Asian and South American clubs, but for our Anglo-centric purposes, a complete bummer.

Sell Leeds and Forest returning to the top flight anytime soon— Leeds may be due for some NME now that Gary Mac’s been told to pack, but automatic promotion is out of the question and who-fuckin-knows with a League 1 playoff. Forest are rooted to the near-bottom of the Colaship. Glory days are far off.

Sell English tabloid rumor-mongering / the January transfer window— Some rags are better than others, but there’s reason to expect this January will be any different than the last. No big players or teams make moves of real consequence as anyone of value is cup-tied. For entertainment’s sake, Citeh will do it’s best to nut money on anyone who’ll take it and Juande should be counted on to do some arse-backward stuff with his Real riches.

Sell Gareth Southgate— Nothing to do with this week. Middlesbrough haven’t been terrible. It goes back to the Woody Allen thing about dead sharks.

Sell yer (new) laptops, Ipswich!-- Norwich is just gonna send more Cubans to steal them anyway...

Wait! Hold Still! Do Nothing! Freeze Up! We're confounded...



Hold on Liverpool— The second half at the Emirates was an exercise in waste. Arsenal lose Cesc and Adebayor in ten minutes playing time and how do the league leaders respond? By playing on their heels and leaving Ryan Babel on the bench until the 87th minute, is how. This would be an easy Sell if not for the profligate Chelsea and stuck-in-the-mud United. For the Kop’s sake, Torres better get back soon.

Hold on QPR— Read this quickie from the Beebs: Experiencing boutique football at QPR… The set-up doesn’t seem as unhealthy as the headline might imply. The new manager seems to have an idea of what’s up. The dedication, and better, the cash seem to be there. And still, it all seems kind of sheisty. Or so it seems.

Hold on Djibril Cisse— Buy the form, sell the hair, Bigus says. I’d have to agree. Of course, neither is permanent, so take your chances.

Enjoy Spartak and Everton... we'll seeya next year!

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Hair Today!

So...Kevin Keegan has finally got his man. Deportivo's Argentinean defender Fabricio Coloccini has finally signed for Newcastle today. But here at Unprofessional Foul we are never to be outdone by credible, established football sites..Oh NO. While everyone else discusses the atributes and skills of Coloccini and what he could bring to the Newcastle side, I am going to pay some attention to the ridiculous mop of hair that surrounds that Argentine bonce. What the f--- IS that? Is it 1985? Is he 16? Does he play in a glam rock band? Well if that head of hair is going to be appreciated by any Premiership manager it'll be old Kelvin Koogan. The Koogster was known for his own head of hair back in the day. He took the perm to new heights..literally!

So with Coloccini's frilly fop ready to grace the Premiership this weekend I thought we should have a look at some other horrendous do's that have invaded the world's pitches.

But I cannot depart on this crusade alone..Oh no..I am not nearly qualified enough to criticize the flopping, rising, combed, bouncy, curling bangs of others...So I reached out for some help...Tyson Kennedy works for top stylist and famous head pruner Rodney Cutler. He also fronts the band 'Steriogram'. Check them out here and here. Good stuff eh? Welcome back! Anyway I asked Tyson to have a look at some of the main offenders with me...The worst...AND most interesting barnets that have ever crossed the white line...Lets start with Coloccini's new employer..The Koogster...

Take it away Tyson!

TK: Reminiscent of the dashboard jesus bobble head... The butt of many bad perm jokes, big hair to match big hips. However, it was one of the most sought after hairstyles of the 80s. (Bigus-...and the 70's!).

Bobby Charlton

He may have played 106 times for England and scored 49 goals but I am ignoring that to point out that Bobby 'the comb over' Charlton had one horrific hairstyle..Just think how many goals he could have scored without that fop in his face?

TK: If this comb over was any further back, he'd be combing his arse.

Roberto Baggio

Ah Roberto Baggio...A great player, but remembered most for his blown penalty at the 1994 World Cup.

TK: WHAT? WHAT? Is there something crawling in my hair??

Abel Xavier

Oh lord.. Abel Xavier...Squeaking out the last days of his career at the Galaxy.. This is a beauty! With a matching beard!

TK: I call this look... the man's man Prince. I would love to see him in an ascott singing 'Purple Rain'.

Chris Waddle

You can keep your 'diamond lights' Waddle. Wowser, what can you say, I am almost lost for words...

TK: "When I'm not posing for my mugshot, my hair doubles as a scarf".

Carlos Valderrama

Now where is Carlos Valderama when You need him? When my kid throws up on the floor or when the windscreen on the Dickus family wagon needs a wash? General household work? I think he has missed out on a wonderful makerting opportunity. The 'Valderama!' "One swoosh in the loo, and your toilets like new!"

TK: TROLL DOLL!

Toda

Toda: This Japanese international had a short and forgetable spell with Spurs...These days he can been seen at the local bingo hall with the other tint and rinise oldies...

TK: "This comes in an array of colors. I can't go anywhere unless my hair matches my handbag".

Rio Ferdinand.

Rio experimented with the corn rows...No one should be that hungry!

TK: There is nothing more intimidating than the European Gangster! WORD!

Ruud Gullit

Ruud Gullit...The departing Galaxy manager used to look like this....

TK: When a seagull shits on your head it's supposed to be lucky... right?

Jason Lee

Oooo.Oooo This next beaut is one of my faves! Before 'Clerks' and 'My Name is Earl' there was THIS Jason Lee. Fans used to serenade him (to the tune of 'He's got the whole World in his hands') He's got a pineapple, on his head, he's got a pineapple, on his head. He's got a pineaple, on his head... Pineapple on his head!.

TK: This haircut is for the man that wants to mop up the opposition.

Carlos Puyol

Carlos Puyol currently plays for Barcelona and just last week, U.F 'er The Likely Lad got a close up when Barca trained in Central Park. Click here for that (I am a shameless whoare!).

TK: DAGGIEST OF DAGGY DAGS!
For anyone not from the southern hemmisphere... DAG means shite hanging from sheep's bum. (Tyson is from New Zealand..You know, Flight of the Conchords, the Haka, Rugby, racing and beer, I think that's it?-They are easily amused!).

Bacary Sagna

Arsenal's fleet footed right back Bacary Sagna...He has a chord hanging from his shorts. Give it a pull and the curtains close. Evening ladies! That picture makes old Bigus want to buy one of those beaded carseat 'back' massagers.

TK: Bo Derek on Steriods...

David Beckham

Beckham has had more hair styles than the cast of Grease...This one was obviously inspired by DeNiro's character in Taxi Driver. Beckham is more 'tickle' than 'Bickle' however!

TK: Sharp looking dude, imagine what he's capable of once his golden balls drop!

Christian Ziege

Ahh German tough guy Christian Ziege...Travis Bickle again..."Ar zu torking tu me"!

TK: "Mom, I think I just used depilatory cream instead of hair gel."

Alexi Lalas

Now, He has just been fired by the L.A Galaxy and he reckons the M.L.S is as good as the Premier League (One good reason why he got fired!). Yep it's Alexi Lalas. The hairy U.S international used to rock the Jesus look.

TK: I love the mixture of the bibical look and 70s vagina.

Fabriccio Coluccini

Finally lets look at the mop at the top. The hair that inspired this piece. Newcastles Argie defender Fabriccio Coluccini. Wigs are sure to appear at St james park immediatley. Those Geordies are extremely un-imaginative and very predictable .

TK: This is the Michaelangelo's David look... comes with small package.

Thanks to Tyson for joining me wade through a mind blowing collection of the bristly, the brushy, the wooley, The fuzzy and of course the daggy!

Find Tyson at Cutler, here.

Bigus is taking a break next week. I haven't won anything, but I am off to Disney. You know you'll miss me!

-Bigus.

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