Mess With the Bull, Get The Horns

In Italy recently, a referee was sent into hiding after thugs beat up somebody who looked like him. Mauro Bergonzi awarded two controversial penalties against Juventus in a defeat to Napoli in October.

"A dangerous incident happened. A group of people encircled someone they thought was a referee, they tried to abduct him and continually punch him. The only thing was he just looked like the referee," Cesare Gussoni told Friday's La Repubblica newspaper.

"He was a bank manager, poor thing, and he managed to reveal this at the end to save himself from more blows. On the advice of the police, the referee was forced to live under protection and went to another province for two weeks."

Juventus, remember, was one of the clubs caught up in the Serie A match fixing scandal and as a result was relegated to Serie B. The lesson here folks, is don't try and fix a match against the match fixers. They have the hired muscle on their side.

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Bigus Tripus, part 3

First full match report up, as they're filing on the way home from the most dismal, dreary part of the Midlands.

So Bigus, how did things go?

Coventry 1, Norwich 0.

Well that was well worth flying 3500 miles for.

If it was not for David Marshall, we would have lost by 4.

Let's start with the first 15 mins. Roeder started with a 5-man midfield who had no idea how to execute that formation, producing nothing but confusion. We couldn't keep the ball for more than ten seconds.

Juan Velasco was skinned twice and the alarm bells were ringing. He then showed Jay Tabb inside, creating a free shot, and that was one-nil. Off came Velasco to cap an outing to forget.

Will we see him again? Let's hope not.

He is not a patch on Otsemobor.

Roeder immediately realized the mistake he had made and changed to a 4-4-2, bringing on Cureton for Camara to keep Dublin company up front. He had been very lonely.

Pearce had replaced Velasco after 20, and Doherty moved to right-back. We were still awful and couldn't produce anything but long hoofs and wayward passes.

The Referee was one P. Taylor and his performance was woeful. He could not get the whistle out of his mouth and stopped the game about 15 times for no good reason. The game had absolutely no flow.

We started the second half a little better and looked as if we were going to get going.... then it happened. A second yellow for Doherty and we were down to ten. He should have gone in the first half as he performed his usual pull-down routine when beaten at the edge of the box.

This time, however, a nothing incident gave Taylor the chance to open his little book once again. Russell argued with him and tempers were up. Taylor had it in for Russell from then on and found a weak excuse to produce a second yellow to him not long after. Nine men.

The game was over. Cureton had a good effort saved at the death but judas between their sticks saved well. It would have been a stolen point and undeserved, but I'd have taken it.

At the end of the day we were crap in the first but the referee ruined any potential for a good second.

The Ricoh is a very nice place to see a game. Its a shame that most people in coventry disagree.

Attendance: 18,000... 3,500 to 4,000 were from Norwich.

Chant of the day: Your ground's too big for you.

- Bigus.

Packimo: not impressed with his first meat pie at an English ground

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Bigus Tripus, part 2

Well, the lads are still going strong, and it's the full Day #1 of the odyssey. They're up, and on their way to Coventry...

10 am. Packimo is feeling a little fragile today. He has discovered a new-found love for bitter. Especially Director's. I too had to bust out the neurofen [Ed Note: Advil]. It was that last Cobra at the Rupa Tandoori that did it! The rupa is my favourite restaurant anywhere in the world and if you are ever in soho then pop up brewer street and give it a go.

There were lively discussions at the table over the Premiership's 39th game. Split decision.

Packimo was also impressed with our trains. He is now going back to NY to demand 40 miles in 23 mins from the MTA.

Packimo is a Spurs fans but he was highly impressed by the Emirates stadium as the train rumbled by... in fact he was so enamoured he forgot to spit.

10:35. Just introduced packimo to the scotch egg.

Note: Bring some back.

- Bigus.

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Is There Such a Thing as a £25M Bargain?

See that guy?

That's Fernando Torres. You probably know that if you read this site, but he's really fucking good at soccer. You probably know that, too.

On February 23rd he scored his first League hat trick for Liverpool, then just 11 days later against West Ham, he did it again. And in a sport where a 1-0 result is pretty commonplace, that is just fucking ridiculous.

Evan Stone doesn't score that often.

So God help the Newcastle defense. I mean, sure the first hatty was against 'Boro, but the second one, well, West Ham had been playing pretty well and Robert Green had been maybe one of the 4 or 5 best keepers in the EPL for the first half of the season.

So El Niño, I tip my sombrero to you and your pie. And in honor of your recent badassness we will predict a ridiculous numero for this week's fixtures.

Just a quick note, we actually bothered to check last week's numbers against the results, and even padding with a couple of extra scores, we still couldn't break more than 5 right. Plus, with six sides scoring 3 or better, we totally low-balled it so badly we were barely even close on the rest.

We suck. But at least we're honest enough to admit it.

Here's a peek into this week's crystal soccer ball.

1-1
3-0
2-2
2-0
5-1
0-0
1-2
0-3
2-2

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Sepp Blatter, The New David Stern?

Sepp Blatter's at it again. He might as well change his name to Sepp Blather. So what's the crazy Swiss FIFA President up to now? Well, he wants there to be criminal charges for reckless tackles.

Blatter believes reckless challenges are one of the biggest scourges of the modern game and insists there should be harsh penalties for the perpetrators, including criminal charges where necessary.

Well then.

It is always a good thing to be highly reactionary to traumatic events. It never results in saying stupid things or statements that are not well measured. Here Sepp Blather is making a broad pronouncement that a) he could never enforce and b) is made to appease those who feel wronged by injuries suffered as a result of hard tackles.

The second biggest issue with Blather is the fact that reckless tackles are already punished by the game. Studs up tackles are prohibited and usually accompanied with a minimum yellow card and, when a tackle is particularly poor or mistimed, a red card is not out of the question (see Martin Taylor).

The biggest issue is: who the hell is Sepp Blather, the president of a private organization, to say how sovereign nations are to impose there criminal laws? That takes some some serious cojones.

Whether Blather is correct or not, I see him as acting as a new hamfisted David Stern trying to make his game sexier by eliminating and limiting what a defense can do. After the early and mid-90s NBA defense that really slowed down the game, David Stern started making rule changes to prevent teams from playing such stingy and aggressive defense, so sexy-basketball could attract more viewers.

I see Blather attempting the same, except he is nowhere as adept as David Stern in framing the issues and convincing others that he is correct.

Blather is more George W. Bush than Ronald Reagan.

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Jailed player is owed money... the FA agrees

Sestanovich waits for his check

Here's a fun one. Say you run a company and one of your employees runs into a little bit of legal trouble. When the time comes for them to tell you what's happened, the employee downplays it somewhat and the problem goes away, until you find out what the real crime was and immediately give them their pink slip.

However, they're not going to jail just yet, and the regulating body of your industry forces you to pay the employee you for the time after he was fired and before he goes to prison.

It doesn't sound right, but it is, according to the FA, and the unlucky club forced to cash out a criminal? Non-league Grays Athletic FC.

The club doesn't want to comply, and the FA is on the verge of suspending them for their principles.

Ashley Sestanovich, a body double for Thierry Henry in some Nike commercials a few years ago, was a promising midfielder for Conference side Scarborough. He won an FA Cup Player of the Round award in 2003 for his goal to knock out Port Vale, and had bounced around through several clubs [Sheffield United, Manchester City, Grimsby Town] before settling at Grays Athletic in 2005.

He didn't get a chance to do much there, participating in just three training sessions and 20 minutes in a pre-season friendly, as he was caught up in the planning of a robbery during which a man was killed.

From the BBC:

Sestanovich, 26, was convicted of conspiracy to rob a roofing firm in Streatham, south London.

The raid led to the death of Thomas Fahey, 42, who was shot in the chest at close range while visiting his brother at the office in June 2005.

Now Sestanovich was jailed for eight years due to his part in the robbery while the two other men involved were sentenced to life in jail, but because he was still technically a part of the club when his initial arrest occurred, the FA wants the club to pay out $28,000 in back pay and wages.

Understandably, the club is pissed that they're being forced to pay out. Said Grays chairman Mike Woodward:

"I am bitterly disappointed in the FA's judgment, all they seem to want to do is take money from football clubs.

We are being forced to pay approximately £14,000 to a player who only had three training sessions and 20 minutes in a pre-season friendly due to his involvement in a heinous crime which saw a young father shot in cold-blood.

Unfortunately my principles will not allow me to pay this money from either my own pocket, or from the club's, and the directors are of the same opinion. I feel sorry for the supporters of this club but I hope that you will back me on this decision."

You can hardly blame him considering the club is way down on the financial totem pole, and that they're shit out of luck after the FA's ruling. The chairman has put a plea out on the club website for donations or assistance from former players who have gone on to bigger things in order to get this squared away, and for all our sakes, let's hope they do.

If they don't come up with the bread in two weeks, the FA's going to suspend them indefinitely from all football until the money's paid out.

It's absolute bullshit, but that's the FA for you. It won't reduce Sestanovich's sentence at all, but when he gets out, he'll have a check from Grays Athletic waiting for him.

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Suddenly, Scotland!

This week, Taking a look up the kilt of Scottish football

The majority of the Scotland-centric articles I have put up on this site over the last few months have been dry recitations of the game within Scotland itself. In fact, until this week, none of them have really had the special UF flavor. You know what I'm talking about--the deliciously bad decisions that footballers, managers and executives make that we pounce upon with aplomb. Well, it seems that my persistence in writing about the country has paid off because they Scots have rewarded me with three fine stories for today. Inside find out about:

• The club that could be shut down for not paying for its office supplies
• The club that will shut down because its financier no longer feels like paying
• The National Team on the verge of signing up to play a friendly in what would be a politically sensitive situation, something of a trend for the team.

First off, Hearts are in the news today, as The Guardian is reporting that they have been given notice that they may be shut down if they do not pay for office supplies they purchased from Lynch McQueen. Heart's bill? $27,000, give or take. I implore you to look at the Lynch McQueen site. Nothing says "modern web-professional" like citing purchasing statistics from 1999.

Anyway, Hearts spent $20 million on wages last season, and are undergoing $100 million worth of renovations on their home ground, Tynecastle. Their Lithuanian owner, Vladimir Romanov, has a fortune estimated to be around $500 million, so I don't think Hearts are in danger. Still, let this be a lesson to you all. Pay your debts on time, or else the Brits will shut you down.

One team that definitely looks to be shutting down is Gretna. I wrote about their imminent double relegation on Tuesday, but now their future looks much more grim. For the third time this season, Gretna have established a new SPL low for paying fans at a match. 501 punters showed up for their thrice-rescheduled match against Dundee United. After the match, interim manager Mick Wadsworth had some disturbing information to share.

Wadsworth admitted that the club will possibly fold, and may have to do so before the end of the season. Gretna has had some financial problems, but these were supposed to clear up when owner Brooks Mileson left the hospital. Well, he's out and people still are not getting paid. It appears that he is no longer interested in the club and is willing to just see them off. It's a sad state of affairs in the wedding capital of southern Scotland, where it looks like Mileson is getting an annulment from the deathbed club.

Finally, the Scottish National Team has been considering an offer to play their hosts in Tehran, Iran in May. At this point, it's improbable, but it would be a good bookend for another trip Scotland took 30 years ago. This article in the Telegraph highlights another dubious away game decision Scotland made. In 1977, Scotland undertook a South American tour. They played in Santiago, Chile, in the national stadium. This was the same stadium used under Pinochet to house political dissidents before they were killed. Quite often, the killing was done on the pitch itself. The trip at the time was seen as a validation for Pinochet from the Scots. I believe that any game in Tehran will be used in the same manner by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, though with less bloodshed.

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About That "Dreaded" Vote of Confidence

The idea that a vote of confidence, the catchall term for any public announcement by a club front office backing its manager, is a kiss of death is one of those soccer clichés, like "a 2-0 lead is the most dangerous lead in soccer" or "Steven Gerrard is a box-to-box midfielder", that fans and pundits repeat often enough that they have been accepted as truth, reality be damned.

I bring this up, because after Newcastle's heartbreaking/hilarious loss to Blackburn on Saturday, chief exec Chris Mort felt compelled to defend the seriously out-of-his-depth Kevin Keegan. And now that the Newcastle front office has publicly given King Kev the dreaded vote of confidence, or DVoC (pronounced dee-vock), conventional soccer wisdom says Keegan's days at Tyneside are numbered. Or are they?

Before we withdraw from our 401(k) and put down a couple of Euros at Betfair, let's look at recent DVoCs in English football, and how soon the axe fell thereafter.

• Jose Mourinho
  DVoC issued: April 20, 2007
  League record at the time of DVoC (W-D-L): 22-6-2
  Left club by mutual consent on: September 20, 2007
  League record after DVoC (W-D-L): 5-7-2 (2-5-1 to finish 2006-07, 3-2-1 in 2007-08)
  Period of Dread: 153 days




• Martin Jol
  DVoC issued: August 21, 2007
  League record at the time of DVoC (W-D-L): 1-0-2
  Sacked on: October 26, 2007
  League record after DVoC (W-D-L): 0-3-3
  Period of Dread: 66 days




• Chris Hutchings
  DVoC issued: November 1, 2007
  League record at the time of DVoC (W-D-L): 2-2-7
  Sacked on: November 5, 2007
  League record after DVoC (W-D-L): 0-0-1
  Period of Dread: 4 days




• Steve McClaren
  DVoC issued: October 18, 2007
  Sacked on: November 22, 2007
  Period of Dread: 35 days




• Sam Allardyce
  DVoC issued: November 26, 2007
  League record at the time of DVoC (W-D-L): 5-3-5
  Sacked on: January 9, 2008
  League record after DVoC (W-D-L): 1-3-5
  Period of Dread: 44

Also of note, poor Sammy Lee didn't even get the benefit of the DVoC before being fired 14 matches into his Bolton stint, and two managers besides Keegan are currently serving Periods of Dread: Gareth Southgate, who received his DVoC on November 13, 2007, and Rafael Benitez, who got his on January 26, 2008. However, Middlesbrough has since lifted itself out of the drop zone, while the ownership is so unpopular that the supporters will throw a shit fit if Benitez is sacked for anything less than going Joey Barton on small Liverpudlian children.

The problem with using the DVoC as any sort of indicator or catalyst is that DVoC only comes at a time of crisis, perceived or real. It's not like Glazer needs to reassure Manchester United supporters that he's 100% behind Fergie. If a situation is bad enough that it warrants a DVoC, a firing is inevitable - the public show of backing merely gives the manager more rope with which to hang himself.

Then again, the DVoC might be significant for its effect on the team's mentality. If a situation is bad enough to require a DVoC, it's either horrible beyond repair or a temporary slump. If it's the former, there's no use keeping the manager around. If it's the latter, it reinforces the sense of crisis but still maintains the status quo, i.e. "The roof is leaking but we're going to keep the it exactly the way it is." At that point, it's probably better to give an ultimatum, or better yet, fire the guy and put him out of his misery.

My prediction? Newcastle will find itself in relegation zone and Keegan will make it to mid-April. Dennis Wise is handed the caretaker role to finish the season, and survive the drop on the final weekend.

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Cassano haters abound

In the wake of Antonio Cassano's little tantrum over the weekend, the Italian FA has banned him for five matches. The consensus is that his actions over the weekend have removed him from consideration for the Azzuri this summer. Donadoni is terrified to mess up the chemistry of the defending World Cup champions, even if it means listening to shifty Argentine carpetbaggers.

A (barely deserving) FIFA player of the year winner talking shit about Cassano, after the jump.

Real Madrid centerback Fabio Cannavaro told the Gazzeta Dello Sport that:

"The real champions are people like Maradona and Maldini, who played fifty games a season at the highest level,” Cannavaro told the Gazzetta dello Sport.

"I have always defended Antonio, but this time he is indefensible. He was wrong. He has impressive quality, out of the ordinary, but just as he is so talented he is so mad as well.

Yeah, Maradona getting sent home from USA 94 because of a little beak seed was very professional. Cannavaro later backtracked and said that no one at the Bernebeu thinks badly of poor Antonio, and he is a stand of up locker room guy. Of course, someone employed by Real Madrid would say that, as they still own his rights and were hoping to flog him off to some Latinophile English team this summer. That $25 million plus transfer fee is shrinking by the day.

We are not budging on our house position. Would Italy really be happier with some chronic underperformer like Gilardino, or some fossil like Del Piero, instead of the electric Cassano? Yes, Luca Toni is great, but what happens if he gets hurt? Let's not forget that Antonio and Francesco Totti enjoyed a fairly good partnership at Roma (until the former left for Spain and firebombed every bridge he could).

Maybe Cassano could be placed under sedation at a mental hospital in Zug until he is needed this summer.

In other Serie A news, Fiorentina dickstomped Everton in Florence yesterday. David Moyes' crew will now need quite the performance at Goodison to advance into the next round of the UEFA Cup.

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Jack Warner's Serbian relatives

The lessons of Jack Warner have gone worldwide. I've been able to break them down as follows:

1. Take control of a soccer association, either national or, preferably, continental.
2. ?????
3. Profit!

Today's A-Plus student is Zvezdan Terzic, the president of the Serbian Football Association. Unfortunately for him, the police in Serbia don't view the outcomes of Mr. Warner's coursework as legal, so Terzic now has a warrant out for his arrest.

Seriously, suits this nice cost money

Terzic is accused of personally profiting off of at least one transfer while director at OFK Belgrade, a position he held from 1997 to 2005. The transfer that the arrest warrant was issued for, is from 1998. This was the transfer of Vanja Grubac to Hamburg SV. Hamburg told Serbian investigators they were obliged to pay Terzic 1.1 million German marks (~$850,000) for the transfer. This is what Harry Redknapp refers to as "Monday".

While Terzic's mess definitely looks bad, it pales in comparison to the scheme launched by Dragan Dzajic, the Serbian NT's general manager. Dzajic and two other officals were arrested last month for skimming approxiamately $9 million dollars off of the transfer of Goran Drulic's $22 Million move to Real Zaragoza from Red Star Belgrade. To do so, they opened a bank account in Drulic's name and forged his signature to withdraw the money. Or, as Harry Redknapp calls it, "every other Wednesday".

Harry explaining where the money came from

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