Tuesday backpasses: Put them in the bin

Short list today, Nothing after the jump. Fucking United.

Thierry Henry probably should have kept his mouth shut before the game [The Sun]
David Bentley spoke through his boots to Arsene Wenger [The Spoiler]
Spurs apparently have money to spend. First Modric, now Villa [Daily Mail]
Maybe Spurs have that money to spend because they are being sold [News of the World]
Torres promises to score two. We'll know in 17 hours if it worked [The Sun]

That's all. If you love (half of) us, then pray for a Liverpool win tomorrow.

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Forgotten Ronaldo does something that we'll never forget

Pictured: Ronaldo, diligently checking from afar for evidence of man parts where lady parts should be

Sometimes you have to dig deep to editorialize the story hiding within something rather mundane, and sometimes, well, let's just say the story writes itself.

This was one of those occasions where you sit back and let the quotes do the heavy lifting for you, because, as we all know, you simply can't do any better.

And so I bring you this well-circulated gem, from soccernet and a million other places:

"Police are investigating claims by AC Milan striker Ronaldo that a transvestite prostitute sought to extort money from him following an altercation at a Rio de Janeiro motel."

Yes, sweet lord. Thanks for bestowing upon us this mighty gift.

Ronaldo, the tubby striker of various World Cups and the proud owner of the most gap-toothed smile in footballing history, was doing a little rehabilitation back home at a Rio nightclub when he decided to take home three ladies of the night to help him with his strengthening exercises. Nothing too untoward there; we've known of Man United players taking two or three ladies home, and the less we mention about the Sunderland gangbang, the better.

However, they were not ladies of the night. They were men of the night, and they were also interested in some of Ronaldo's empanada monies in order to keep quiet. To his overweight credit, he held firm, and the quartet took a nice walk down to the local police station to sort matters out.

"Two of them accepted pay-offs of 1,000 reais (US 600), but Ronaldo has claimed that the third, named as Andreia Albertini, demanded 50,000 reais (US 30,000) and threatened to post a video on the internet if he was not paid."

It can't get much more embarrassing, but at least he has a good explanation, right?

" 'He just wanted to have fun and meet some other people outside his usual environment,' [Police inspector Carlos Augusto] Nogueira said. 'There is no crime at all.'

He added: 'He (Ronaldo) is quite shocked. He said he just wanted to have some fun and for the press not to be informed about this. Ronaldo told me he is suffering some psychological problems as a result of his injury.' "

Which makes me wonder... what was Eddie Murphy's excuse? I don't remember seeing him wearing a knee brace.

That being said, this story does bring to attention the dangerous new scourge that is soon to descend upon professional footballers and athletes around the globe: extortionist transvestite sex workers. I predict that by 2010, the lardy insanity of Sepp "Jabba" Blatter will have to go on record with plans on how to eradicate it. We think Malaysian match-fixing is the bottom of the barrel? Surely, this proves otherwise.

Just remember for the future, dear Ronaldo: if you're hungry but they have meat in the trousers, do not dine.

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Euro 2008 Team Profiles: Italy - More Confusing Than A Woman Right Now

You'd think that winning your qualifying group for the European Championships would bode well for your chances heading in, especially when that group contained one team coming off an appearance in the World Cup final (France), another team that made it to the knock out stage (Ukraine), and a pesky-as-shit Scottish side that fought until its last minute of play to try to steal a spot this summer.

Oh, and you also happen to currently hold the title of World Champions.

That ought to make you one of the favorites, either that or the fact that you are one of the favorites in seemingly every international tournament ever because you are Italy.

None of that, however, means much in terms of performance on the pitch and gauging by current form of some of the Azzurri's key players, it'd be hard to consider them a lock for anything. Hell, having drawn France (again) and the Netherlands, Italy might struggle getting out of Group C.

But the two players who arguably had the most to do with Italy taking home the last World Cup, eh, they donta looka sogood.

Fabio Cannavaro has had a pretty sub-par campaign at Real Madrid and Andrea Pirlo has been equally as unspectacular at Milan this season.

And is Roberto Donadoni going to leave Del Piero off the squad again? After being in Ranieri's dog house earlier this season at Juve, Del Piero has turned it around and had a bit of a renaissance, but what that means for this summer is anyone's guess.

So maybe Italy has some question marks.

But they do still have maybe the world's best keeper in Gigi Buffon. Actually there is no maybe about it, as Buffon tops the IFFHS' list of best goal keepers of the last 20 years (he shares the ranking with Peter Schmeichel). And they have a scoring machine in Luca Toni who, to this point, has 35 goals across all competitions in his first Bundesliga campaign. Plus his WAG is fucking hot (even if she's NSFW).

The Italians have their bulldog in the midfield in Gattuso, and in the 4-3-3 (than can be a 4-5-1) employed by Donadoni, Camoranesi (who better have learned the words to the national anthem by this point), will have to work pretty hard going box-to-box and falling back if and when Italy grab leads. So he could be the maybe the most important guy on the pitch. Still, they don't need to be spectacular in the midfield, just technically solid and they can probably find a way to disrupt the Dutch and the Romanians. France will be trickier.

So who knows? Italy were massive fucking failures in 2004, having entered as favorites only to not get out of their group after draws with Denmark and Sweden. But when they had lower expectations in Germany in 2006 they, you know, won.

They are going to need a result in their opener against the Dutch. And you can probably pencil in a W against Romania. Even then, 4 points probably won't be enough and it will come down to the match against France.

Seems sort of inevitable.

Breakout player: I can't even be sure either of these guys will make the squad, but one of the forwards from Udinese, either Di Natale or Quagliarella will be the difference between Italy advancing or not (I'd err on the side of the former who has 5 goals in 17 national team appearances).

Biggest question mark: Again, Pirlo and Cannavaro. Lean more on the latter as age (he'll be just shy of 35 by tournament's end) might be catching up to him.

Worst player: Materazzi is the card magnet, but I'm less a fan of Ambrosini, too many wasted touches in midfield. I'd also personally feed De Rossi a bowl of dicks for his cheap shot on Brian McBride in the '06 Cup.

Who's the coach (and is he as racist as Aragonés?): Roberto Donadoni. Lippi took a "sabbatical" after the World Cup by not renewing his contract and Donadoni stepped in to immediately begin sucking. He started 0-2-1 with loses to Croatia and France and a home draw to Lithuania. He did manage to right the ship and win the group, but there is still some unease in the Italian press over his selection. Of course the Italian press would have unease over Jesus selecting Lazarus to raise from the dead (certainly there's someone more deserving, no?). Personally, I don't think anyone who played in the MLS will skipper a Euro champion in my lifetime. I also don't think I put enough thought into that statement to back it up.

Could England beat this team? Nope. Not even with their Italian manager, but maybe after a couple of questionable cards on Materazzi.

Can this team win it all? And what is their ready made excuse if they don't? Would anyone be that surprised if Italy pulled it together and found a way to emerge from their group and then engineer a couple of results to get to the final? No, they would not. Their excuse if they don't? See the question about the coach.

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Nobody does it lamer. Amirite?

Landycakes, preparing to suck

It has become fashionable, to a point, in US soccer circles to bash Landon Donovan. So much so that some bloggers feel the need to take up Donovan's cause and tell those haters, Chris Crocker style, to Leave Landon alone! Yeah, that's not what I am looking to do here. Instead, I am going to take a look at a recent blog post that whines that we Americans don't appreciate what a treasure we have in him. Join me as we take a paragraph by paragraph look at the inanity of being a Landon Donovan apologist.

Last month's friendly in Krakow against Poland, was exactly that: a friendly which should not be considered some sort of great conquering victory of the US National Team. Sure you’d rather win than lose these sorts of matches, but realistically I still saw some of the same issues that have worried me about the United States since the end World Cup 2006 in this performance.
For those that do not recall the match that well, last month the US defeated Poland 3-0 on the strength of a pretty disastrous performance by Artur Boruc in the Polish net. I saw plenty of worrying things too. The central defense, though responsible for the first two goals, consistently fails at shutting down attacks, leaving the keeper exposed. Perhaps this writer and I are on the same wavelength.

One thing I was overly pleased with was the outstanding play of Landon Donovan. For all the criticisms of Donovan from some quarters of the American soccer community, he continues to be hands down the best player the United States has produced in this particular generation. Those who criticize him and make up silly nicknames do not understand soccer in this country and the types of quality Donovan brings to the field.
Never mind. There were exactly two things I was pleased about with Landon in this game. One, the match was on European soil, and he still played. Two, his free kicks did not fail at the first hurdle. Usually in Europe, Landon hides behind his opponents so he cannot be delivered the ball, which he would invariably give away if he got it. And his free kicks over the last two years either hit the wall or go twenty yards over target. In Krakow, neither of these happened and it led to two goals. Newsflash--that's what is supposed to happen with an attacking midfielder who takes the free kicks. Don't laud him for doing his job. As for whether or not he is the best player in this generation, quite simply, no. Of course, it depends on how you define the generation. Keller and Friedel are both much better, but they are old. I'd still stake my team on Howard before Donovan, because at least I know the Tourette's guy knows how to play in Europe. Field player-wise, I concede that Donovan is the most dangerous within 5 years either way, but I do note that he has shown a disturbing pattern of being bullied out of games against European competition. I believe that there are a few young guys coming through the US ranks who will make Landon a Eric Wynalda like memory on the US team--a good player for the time, but one who could not hold a candle to the players now. Oh, and apparently I am an idiot and do not understand the game.

Donovan’s set piece taking in the Poland match was reminiscent of his early days on the national team. Even better was to watch Donovan’s breakaway. While he didn’t finish the goal off, my point to so many critics of Donovan and of MLS in general has been consistent: Landon Donovan is more fit and has greater pace than almost any player on the planet. While many of these same fans are obsessed with speed and feel MLS is somehow inferior to leagues in Europe simply because it is slower paced (by that logic the Mexican league which is hands down better than MLS would be in an even lower tier because it is even slower than MLS) and by extension Donovan is inferior to any player in Europe need to watch the Poland match. Having been returned to midfield along side Clint Dempsey, the two played well off one another and linked together well with a rather inept striker tandem.
Ooh, that's a long 'graph. Once again, please do not laud Donovan for missing the wall with his free kicks, it's what he is supposed to do. As for the breakaway, he didn't fucking finish it, end of story. You can talk about his pace, his nose for the game, whatever; but you have to note that, when five yards clear of the last defender and only the keeper to beat, he bottled the ball well wide of the mark. At the very least he has to force a save. Don't let the other team off the hook because you missed. Then there's an aside about the MLS being faster than Mexico's league, then he talks about the inept forward tandem and how Landon and Dempsey saved them. Yes, the Johnson-Ching attack is horrible. Let us never have to say those names togather again with respect to the US National Team.

On his day nobody does it better than Donovan. The loudmouth critics can climb under a rock for now, as Landon Donovan has once again fired a statement across the bow as to his quality and pedigree. Thank goodness the US National Team, deficient in so many other areas has his services whenever needed. Donovan has also matured from a young hot head to a grown veteran leader whose skill level and quality is unmatched in the modern history of soccer in the U.S.
When is his day exactly? Does he get one every couple of years or so? I remember the one he had in 2002 against Mexico, that was awesome. When will we get another of those in competition that counts? Yes, Landon can be good to great, he just prefers to do so against teams that can charitably be called "lesser". That's what I have always had against Donovan. For a man with all of the talent in the world for the sport I love, he decided long ago it was not worth it to challenge himself. He would prefer to let his enormous talent stagnate so he could live at the beach with his underworked actress wife rather than try to make it in Europe. That is an opportunity I and others would kill for, and he just said, "Nope. I'm homesick." and sulked off home. He could have had unmatched quality, but instead will be eclipsed before he stops losing hair.

Those who don't like Donovan make up clever nicknames and attack him for his lifestyle choices. The Poland game and the first month of the MLS season should give these critics pause. I will go a step further: Without Donovan it is highly likely the US would not have improved its status in world football and in CONCACAF since hosting the 1994 World Cup. It is also conceivable to see the US miss the world cup if Donovan were to be injured or as some critics suggest, dropped from the national team.
Uh, you already used that nicknames bit-it's up in the second 'graph. And yes, I do attack him for lifestyle choices, see above. It's an American thing to do, dammit. See someone who could make more for themselves and feel disgusted when they decide to settle. Horatio Alger would agree. As for the MLS--see argument above about lesser teams. Landon is a sub-World Class player in the prime of his career playing in a league that does not match his quality. I would hope that he is doing well.

Holy shit, what the fuck? The US would not have gotten any better if Landon had not been born? You have got to be kidding me. You want to speak about generations, let's talk generations. Let's talk about all of the kids playing from the time they can figure out which goal to run towards. That did not happen two generations ago. And what a disservice to all of the other players on the NT. Do you really think that Oguchi Onyewu, even with his current form woes, is a lesser player than Alexi Lalas? That Clint Dempsey is no Joe-Max Moore? Please, get some perspective. And that goes for the World Cup qualis as well. Landon could amputate his head tomorrow and the US would still qualify without problem. Just because you have a Landon Donovan wallbanger you pray to does not make him a god. He's not going to get dropped, either. All we, the US fan base, ask is that Landon Donovan do his job for the team. Create chances, finish them when appropriate, don't hit the wall with free kicks, and actually show for a pass when in Europe. Then, maybe, we may stop talking shit about Kartik's man-crush.

Oh, and stay off Cribs, too. It's just embarrassing when your girl leads you around the house like that.

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Keep Your Politics Out Of My Sport

Sport is generally a sojourn away from the tedium of life. A milieu relatively free from politics, race and religious issues, and all those other "adult"-type things. When those issues do arise in sport, the ripples of the pond seem like tidal waves.

Or, at least it does to me. Which is why Malaysian Muslim groups calling for the exclusion of Chelsea manager Avram Grant and defender Tal Ben Haim on the club's summer tour is so shocking to me.

Malaysia has no ties with Israel and normally bars Israelis from entering the country, but the home minister decided at the weekend to allow the pair to enter the country, on the grounds they were taking part in a sporting
event, free of politics.

A group of 21 Muslim and non-government groups now want the government to
reverse its decision and has sent a petition to the minister.

"If the Israeli footballers are allowed entry, the government would be seen as being insensitive to the feelings of the Palestinian victims of Israeli ethnic cleansing and atrocities, and the majority of the Malaysians who sympathise with them and support their struggle for justice and peace," the petition says.

So, the question is whether the Muslim-Israeli relations are better than the Israeli-Israeli relations between Grant and Ben Haim, who said he would not have signed with Chelsea if he knew Grant was going to be the manager. Just think, if Chelsea had known this it could have prevented the wasteful signing of Ben Haim.

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Monday Backpasses: Crazy in Malaysia

A match-fixing scandal in Malaysia, again [Daily Telegraph]
Which may threaten an international tournament there [Soccernet]
Which will hurt teams using the tourney for Olympic prep [Football 365 South Africa]

Even more Malaysian zaniness tomorrow. In the meantime, hit the jump for more awesome links.

English PFA team of the season [Sky Sports]
And how The Spoiler would update it [The Spoiler]
Top 10 flop buys of the EPL season [The Sun]
One guy knows a lot about gay football movies. [Guardian blogs]
Artur Boruc is such a good Catholic he doesn't even know which one to put on his incendiary shirt [BBC]
More violence in Colombia [Soccerway]
Coleen McLoughlin felt up in Miami. Rooney SMASH! [This is Extra Time]

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East Stirlingshire does the impossible

In rather surprising news, perennial Scotland bottom squad East Stirlingshire failed to live down to its billing this season. That's right. The team that finished at the bottom of the Scotland ladder for five seasons running managed to secure a vital win on the last day and finish 41st in the 42-team four-tier league system.

To do so, East Stirling put together a pretty good stretch run--three wins, two draws and a loss in the last six games. The team that ended up finishing last, Forfar Athletic, did much worse, with only three draws in their last six matches. The end result is that East Stirling finished one point better than Forfar, and boy are they excited.

What has been left unsaid in the few articles trumpeting East Stirling's stunning 9th place finish is what it means to the club. Depending on the SFL's mood, one of two things were going to happen at the end of the season if East Stirling finished last again. Sometime in the last year, the Scottish Football League passed a new rule that put possible sanctions on teams who finished at the foot of the ladder too many times in five year period. Luckily for East Stirling, Rule 1:21 was not made retroactive when enacted.

In its most basic form, Rule 1:21 provides for two possible penalties. The first is that the club can be changed into a non-voting member of the SFL. The team would still be allowed in the league, but not allowed to take part in any discussions or votes about revenue, sponsorships etc. The second possible outcome is that the club may be voted out of the league entirely. Trust me when I say that the Third Division crowds of 500 would look pretty good to a team in the East of Scotland league.

So, Forfar Athletic, you lot are now on the proverbial clock. Get off the foot of the table next season, or you'll start hearing the whispers about being replaced by Clachnacuddin FC (or, more likely, Cove Rangers). Unless, of course, Gretna go out of existence first.

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And Ashley Cole Looks Like That Dude From Fine Young Cannibals

So watching the end of the Villa v. Everton match on Sunday—and that was some Arsenal-esque defending in the clutch by Everton—when Marlon Harewood came on for Aston Villa.

All I can think of is, "Man, he is a deadringer for somebody..."

I'm pretty sure the teams swap goals again before I finally have my Archimedes moment and realize, "Hey, he's totally Frank Thomas' doppelgänger."

Then I think I'm being all clever and figure I've hit on a regular feature—some kind of 'separated at birth' gimmick—for UF. So I'm actually searching for a pic of Harewood when I come across this.

Then I found it links back to this.

Admiral Akbar? Really? And I don't even know who that other plastic dinosaur dude is.

No way, Harewood looks just like Frank Thomas. (or Frank Thomas). I mean they are even both big, physically menacing guys.

Anyway, there are dozens of them already up at Football365. Most of them suck total ass, but Ricardo Carvalho does look like Adam Ant in that pic. Roy Keane... eh, a little less so.

But, shit, just like every good idea, somebody has probably already had it.

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It's Alive

"It" being Fulham(ls).

Diomansy Kamara came on as a 64th minute substitution to spark a 3 goalsplosion for Fulham and overcome a 2-0 deficit against Citeh, saving the Cottagers from certain relegation.

Leaving them in just probable relegation.

In fact at one point Saturday, had the results held, Fulham was officially relegated. That was probably when the Liverpool b-team was getting a scoring lesson from Birmingham and Fulham was being Fulham.

But then Kamara went nuts. Okay, it was just a brace, including the stoppage time winner), and Danny Murphy had to tap in a missed PK, but still Fulhamerica lives. And pro-rate that shit out. Two goals in 25 minutes. He would have had 7.2 over the full 90.

Anyway, Fluham's win is big news around here because well, we're Americans. And we love America.

Still, looking at the two remaining fixtures, it's still going to be VERY tough for Fulham to avoid the drop because Reading get to play Derby the final week of the season. And Derby is the worst team in maybe the history of the EPL (suck it, Barclay's). In fact even next week Reading might get a break as they get a Tottenham team that has clearly mailed it in (a home draw to fucking Bolton?).

Figure Fulham need at least four points and make it to 34. Three of those have to come in a win at home to Birmingham next week. Then also at least a point at Fratton Park. The good news is that Portsmouth might be resting everyone remotely skilled in advance of the FA Cup final.

They also need some help then. Again, Reading, currently on 33 points will probably get to 36 against Derby. So, the best chance of that help might be in the form of Sunderland. If Sunderland can win at Bolton next week, that would probably leave the Wanderers stuck on 33 as they finish at Chelsea, and Chelsea is still likely playing for a shot at the Prem that last week. So Bolton have no chance at Stamford Bridge.

It's a long shot. Unless you think Derby can double their win total for the season at the expense of Reading.

You just knew the Cottagers would rue all 12 of those early season 87th minute collapses. But hey, Lawrie Sanchez looked sharp on those sidelines.

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For Those Of You Who Hate Cristiano Ronaldo....

This blogger may or may not have an unhealthy obsession with hating Cristiano Ronaldo, but he undoubtedly has a bit of flair that goes with his hating. He wants everybody to share their hate for Ronaldo or their love at his website. It certainly is worth a punt.

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