A speedy UEFA Cup Round-up

"Yep, remember when we could have won this Cup but played the dullest football known to mankind in the final? Ahh, good times..."

Well, it's the middle of the week and nothing else is happening in the world of soccer, so it's the perfect time for the Little Euro Cup to peek its ugly head out.

So, how did everyone get on today?

Portsmouth 3, Heerenveen 0
Solid performance from the newly Diarra-less Pompey, including a brace from Peter Crouch, who no doubt celebrated with some delicious nachos. The Eredivisie side aren't up to much, but Pompey came in this evening knowing they were already eliminated from the competition, so the lack of pressure brought out their flair. Good thing they're not advancing considering all the players they'll lose in January.

AC Milan 2, Wolfsburg 2
The Rossonieri sure do love their score draws! At least this time round, they led in the match instead of waiting until the last 10 minutes to score twice (like they did at Fratton Park).

Hamburg 3, Aston Villa 1
O'Neill's men were manhandled, but what does it matter? They had safe passage wrapped up weeks ago. A late scrappy goal for young'un Nathan Delfouneso (seriously, if Villa has any more speedy young wingers/forward, they should declare them at Customs) wasn't enough to counter Ivica Olic's double and Mladen Petric's volley.

Ajax 2, Sparta Prague 2
Look, last minute penalty equalizers! The Dutch left it late but were through anyway.

St. Etienne 2, Valencia 2
Hey look, Fernando Morientes scored. Remember that guy at Anfield? Yeah, perhaps best not to.

Club Brugge 0, FC Copenhagen 1
Why am I still recapping?

Deportivo La Coruna 1, Nancy 0
Ha, Nancy. Of course the Gallic pansies went down limply.

Feyenoord 0, Lech Poznan 1
Goal! Ivan Djurdjevic must have a foot like a traction engine. The cagey win puts the Poles into the next round.

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Love of footballer destroys promising career. Or something.

Alright, if there is one thing I really don't understand about football celebrity culture in England, it's the rise of the WAG. These women--the NASCAR wives of Britain--seem to do very little other than spend the money of their money-making boytoys. Sometimes, though, they do have opportunities to make their own way in life, and summarily turn those opportunities down.

Sorry, ladies. He's taken.

Abbey Clancy, Peter Crouch's girlfriend, announced that she has turned down an opportunity to model in LA, because she can't bear to be apart from Lurch Crouch. Why this made the press, I can't say. Someone made the mistake of asking her, I guess.

All in all, though, I think it's for the best. Sad as it is to say, if she were in LA she would be largely forgotten by the footballing world. Just ask Beckham. Clancy would also lose the attention of Crouch, and there are plenty of Brit women who find his money attractive enough to sleep with him.

Besides, if she were truly going to model in the USA, she would have to move to New York. Any concept of "modeling" based out of LA involves porn, and I sure as hell don't want to see Crouch get mixed up and filmed in that.

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