Africa: Where Teens Watch Porn

Malawians are learning that all press might not be good press, but might be great blog fodder.

Last week the head of the Malawian Referee's Association failed to count properly and mistakenly awarded a cup final to a team before they had technically won.

Now comes porn.

The Malawian U-17 manager Patrick Kulemeka was fired for allowing his players to watch pornographic movies in their hotel rooms last March during the CAF Youth Championship in Algeria (and if anyone can ID the animal in the Algerian shirt, help us out).

Here's our question: Couldn't it have just been the National Geographic channel? And how would they know the difference?

What? You thought the same thing. We just have the temerity to say it, or maybe it's audacity.

Kulemeka was defiant in his defense claiming: “I accept the decision. That’s fine with me. I think I have sacrificed a lot as a team manager for the Under-17. We part in good ways and I wish the team all the best."

Oh wait, actually that seems to be the exact opposite of defiance, more like resignation. And that's a bit strange because, given what little detail there is in the The Daily Times' piece, it seems Kulemeka kind of got the shaft on this one.

First, apparently the executive committee that made the decision didn't even hear his side of the story. Second, Kulemaka intimates that this was going on in players' rooms well after they should have been asleep. And he asks, resonably, “I really don’t know how they expected me to go around the players’ rooms at 2am checking if they are watching pornographic movies,” Third, aren't the smut-loving Algerians partially to blame, what with their ubiquitous porn and all?

If there's any takeaway from this, we're not sure what it is. Other than maybe The Daily Times could use better fact checkers. They reported: "The issue of the players spending more time watching pornographic movies was raised just before the Under-17 played their third place game against Gambia."

Malawi's third place match, which they lost, was against Burkina Faso. At least that's what we're going to assume from this CAF report here.

That match recap is suggested reading if only for nuggets like: "The closest they came to annexing the ultimate was a decade ago in Botswana." We think that means Burkina Faso finished second sometime in the Nineties.

Malawi had actually been eliminated a week before the semis but advanced after Niger was disqualified for using overage players—hey, did we just bury a lede?

So really, we're going to blame this whole thing on Niger. If they don't run out their own Danny Almonte, Malawi is eliminated and the players are back home long before they ever have the chance to watch porn and get their coach canned.

Oh Patrick Kulemeka, we're sorry the fates hate you so much.

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This Is Somehow Howard Webb's Fault

Sure this took place in Malawi but this screw up is so monumental, that we're not entirely sure we can be certain it doesn't contain Webb's fingerprints. Plus it involves penalties.

Last week the MTL Wanderers beat ESCOM United 4-2 to win the Bingu Wa Mutharika Cup.

Seems straightforward enough right? Outscore the other team, win the Cup. That's how soccer works.

Oh silly reader. How little you know about Malawian football.

At the end of regulation, the two teams were tied 1-1. But, regulation was only 80 minutes, which, as this match recap points out, is totally copacetic in soccer provided both teams agree to it ahead of time (although said recap never states whether it was indeed agreed to ahead of time).

So the whistle blows and the teams are tied. The two teams go to penalties to settle the matter of the cup.

After four kicks, Escom had converted one and had three saved.

After three kicks, SF MTL had converted two and missed one.

Before MTL Wanderers took their fourth penalty referee Webb Verson Lwanja blew the whistle and handed MTL Wanderers the trophy. Thus marking the first time United was ever screwed by a referee's decision. Zing!

Bet anything Lwanja was also the kid in middle school who said in math class, "When am I ever going to need to use this in real life?" Turns out it's probably integral to his job as, according to this page on World Referee, he's also the head of Malawi's Referee Association

Do some maths. If ESCOM United save the MTL Wanderers remaining two kicks and convert their remaining penalty, we're looking at being level 2-2 after five kicks... unless they also agreed to shorten penalties the way they may (or may not) have agreed to shorten the match (which they didn't).

The linked piece also points out that ESCOM didn't protest the decision at the time, speculating, "possibly because the President of the Republic of Malawi was in attendance." The President is Bingu Wa Mutharika, the guy whose name is on the cup.

So when heads of state for whom a competition is named are around, referees are allowed to rob you of titles because of poor math skills? Man, African laws are confusing.

But the gift of this story doesn't stop giving. Enjoy some meta-irony courtesy of whoever wrote the recap in question.

Had the ref not erroneously stopped the penalty shoot-out, assuming MTL Wanderers missed their 4th untaken penalty, ESCOM United scored their remaining untaken penalty (5th penalty) and MTL Wanderers also missed their 5th untaken penalty, the two teams would have scored 3 out of 5 penalties each and the total score would have been 4-4 (including 1-1 regular time scores) which would have resulted into sudden death penalty shoot-out.

Is there anyone on the continent of Africa who can do simple addition? As was pointed out above, given the events as originally described the two teams would have each converted 2 of the 5 penalty kicks.

Anyway, Lwanja, by his own account, didn't screw up at all. "The ref told the media that he stopped the penalty shoot-out because of impending darkness. The same ref told the media that after ESCOM United had missed three of their four taken penalties he assumed (yes assumed) that they would not score the fifth one and therefore had no choice but to blow the final whistle."

And that's really what a good official ought to do, look at the teams, make a few assumptions, declare a winner, and let everyone get on with their day. Really, what other choice does he have? If you want to go back to the well, another Webb joke pretty much writes itself here.

The impending-darkness defense does make some sense in terms of the shortened game (if it had been shortened to accomodate remaining daylight) but that doesn't excuse just handing one team the win. Plus, this picture of Kamuzu Stadium, where the match was played indicates that the ground has lights, which would make "impending darkness" more or less irrelevant. Maybe Lwanja is from Endor.

Anyway, with the "win", MTL pocketed 10,000,000 MKW (Malawian Kwacha), about $71,000. And Verson Lwanja won the chance to officiate the FA Cup final.

Too bad he'll have to hope it's postponed for six months. That's the ban he was handed yesterday for his colossal mistake.

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