Euro Eulogy: Croatia

When I did my preview for Croatia, I didn't really think that they had much of a chance after losing Eduardo, despite hyping their darkhorse status. Sometimes I write the opposite of what I think, which is probably a holdover from my dayjob. But Croatia lived up to the hype, upsetting the Germans, and then coming within 15 seconds of making it to the semifinals. Why Slaven is a fucking rockstar, after the jump.



There's not much to say about Croatia on the football side of things. They beat the Germans, generally played inventive, attacking football, and were ultimately undone by a miracle shot at the end of the quarterfinals. Then again, some would say that they deserve their fate after being unable to break down the depleted Turks in normal time. Surely there was some convoluted Balkan grudge going back to the 1300s they could have drawn on, right?

The loss to the Turks didn't just hurt the team, either. A Croatian newspaper enlisted the help of a psychiatrist to help its readers out. The advice:

"The country must look to the future," advised Vlastelica.

"The supporters must think of September when the 2010 World Cup qualifiers begin.

"From now till then it is vital that you don’t disrupt your daily routine, do not stop working and above all do not take tranquilizers."

Bilic himself apparently wanted to quit coaching and go fishing, but apparently he has decided to stay on with the national team through the 2010 World Cup.After all, he can pretty much play any rock club in Zagreb after what went down over the past several weeks. There are probably several chairman in the Premier League who would be willing to allow dodgy earrings and chainsmoking on the touchline. Bilic can probably name his price and get at a job at a medium-big club. The fact that he's staying means we are going to be treated to more amusing press conferences involving Bilic and the English press, as Croatia are drawn in England's qualifying group. In fact, I'm laying odds that Slaven ends up coaching the Three Lions at some point in his career.

In terms of players, Luca Modric gave us glimpses of why he is going to be a huge bust at Shit Heart Lane. He's just too small for the Premiership, and he's going to get kicked to pieces. Although his choke in penalties means he is going to fit in quite nicely with Spurs. Verlan Corluka looked good at right back, and should have that position locked down for Citeh come August. Ivan Klasnic, who had a kidney transplant, is on his way from Werder Bremen to Wigan, and Olic Pranjic, and Petric will all be on clubs' radar screens.

The whole team now must deal with the burden of expectations going into the next World Cup. Expectations can be brutal, as the French showed in this tournament.

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Euro Trash Day 14: Wow. Just... Wow.

Holy shit.

Unreal.

Oh my god.

You're kidding me.

You're fucking kidding me.

We leave any out?

Probably. What happened today wasn't unreal. It was completely real. Unexpected, yes—I think Tommy Smyth had even said something like, "Well Turkey are out"—but it totally happened.

And here's the thing. It was actually kind of boring. For 90 minutes, Croatia had, what, two good chances (and you just knew they would pay for missing that sitter that Olic sailed off off the crossbar at about the 18th) that weren't the result of a massive goaltending blunder.

For long stretches of the second half—and we're talking like Mesozoic long—Turkey didn't even look like they were interested in scoring. "Hey, one point for the draw. We'll take it."

Uh, doesn't work that way anymore in the knock-out stages, kids.

So when Turkey's back-up keeper, Rustu, came off his line in the 120th minute for the sole purpose of what looked to be giving Luka Modric the chance to put the ball on Ivan Klasnic's head, Turkey were, ahem, cooked.

And for the second time. Remember how they were eliminated by the Czech Republic in the last game of the group stage?

That's why what happened next was so unbelievable. There shouldn't have even been enough time for it to happen (seriously, where did 74 seconds of stoppage time come from?). But a greedy ball across midfield to a couple of players who were way offside for Croatia gave Turkey the ball and Rustu did what he could, specifically: kick it long and pray.

A head, a bounce, and a Semih Senturk strike later Rustu, and all of Turkey owe one to the supreme being of their choice.

When it went to PK's did anyone think Turkey wouldn't win? Okay, after Modric missed his first kick did those people still not think Turkey would win? (But hey, Spurs, you've got a young player who is already a seasoned choker, nice going).

And if you just saw the highlights, it wouldn't make for a compelling watch. A couple of goals. Two missed PK's and a save. I'm certain of this because it's what SportsCenter led with on the heels of the surreal turned real. Twenty seconds, there's your recap. Now here's some news on Pac-Man Jones. Awesome, huh?

No.

That's the thing about futbol, you have to endure the whole thing for the parts of it to make sense and to matter. You can't just give away the ending. Only after the build-up in the narrative do you care that the chick in The Crying Game is a dude, or that Bruce Willis himself is dead.

Oops. Spoiler alerts. Sorry. Rosebud is also the sled, by the way.

Okay, so long parts of the match were boring, but you can't take a shortcut to get the drama. Sorry, you just can't.

Anyway, Turkey are bulletproof. Yeah, they're down about five players to cards, a couplathree more to injury, so they look dead before they even take the field against die Germans. But, as noted, Turkey have already been eliminated twice and, yet, here they are, one win from a spot in the finals.

I'm guessing they are going to warm up for the semi with soccer balls made of kryptonite.

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