FA Cup of British Rock - Quarterfinals - Match #1

These are the ground rules: 16 8 teams, each represented by a musician or band who happens to be a supporter. You, our fair reader, vote on who advances. Use whatever criteria you wish: favorite team, favorite band, prettiest uniforms (looking at you Elton), etc. Ballot stuffing is not encouraged, but will be tolerated, because we’re just as corrupt as the real FA. Voting closes this Sunday, July 27.

Round 2 of the FA Cup of Rock kicks off with a bit of a different look. In one match we're going to the bench, and in the other, well, simply using history as our guide will give the opponent a bit of a new threat up top. Who will prevail? That's for you to decide and for us to overturn if you decide incorrectly. Hey, we're trying to get into an African spirit here at UF in preparation for the next World Cup.




The Clash and Queens Park Rangers

~versus~



Black Sabbath and Aston Villa



With apologies to Pete Doherty, were going to use our managerial powers for this match. And why not? The whole point of making a sub is to try to gain an advantage in a match where the outcome is still in question. But as we look down the QPR bench, we'll take a pass on Robert Smith and Andrew Ridgely and instead start warming up Mick Jones. And when your choice is between an increasingly pudgy gother and the other gay guy in Wham! it's not even a tough decision. Strummer is gone. Topper is now like a chiropractor or something. But Jones is still making music. Okay, nothing Carbon/Silicon does will ever touch what Mick Jones accomplished with The Clash, but lightning never strikes twice. Just be thankful that lightning made five albums (sorry, not going to count Cut the Crap, especially here considering that it didn't even include Jones). Where punk was always a self-defeating proposition—eventually, you're going to become somewhat skilled with your instruments—the Clash moved beyond both being angry simply for the sake of being angry and being shitty simply for the sake of being shitty. And they made London Calling.

There is no such relief coming from the bench for Black Sabbath and Aston Villa. And why would they need it? They are working on 40 years of ear-bleddingly big, if gloriously dumb, riffage. So what's a couple of more rounds in a made up tournament (hey, at least we're not asking you which band is more "Now")? But should progression through the FA Cup of Rock rounds mirror progressions through the band's career? If so, then we're into Sabbath's Dio years. And before you slam the Man on the Silver Mountain, remember it was Heaven and Hell, Dio's debut album with Black Sabbath, that helped bring the band back from increasing irrelevance. Don't believe it? Everyone with a copy of Never Say Die! raise your hand. Thought so. Sure, Dio's maybe 5'1" (5'6" with the hair) and also American (shhh... don't tell the people in charge), but, like the cosmic white dwarf material itself, there's a lot of heavy rock crammed into that small package.

So does Sabbath see the next round and a chance to return to the glory of their latter Ozzfest years? Or does sanity, reason, and taste prevail so that Clash City is rocking a semi-final?

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FA Cup of British Rock - Round of 16 / Match #5

These are the ground rules: 16 teams, each represented by a musician or band who happens to be a supporter. You, our fair reader, vote on who advances. Use whatever criteria you wish: favorite team, favorite band, prettiest uniforms (looking at you Elton), etc. Ballot stuffing is not encouraged, but will be tolerated, because we’re just as corrupt as the real FA. Voting for the Round of 16 will close on Sunday, July 20.

Round 5 combatants are really old. But seeing how they have no actual job skills, they have to hit the road every few years so they can rake in a couple more boatloads of money. Rough lives. But at least they aren't modern day slaves like the footballers they support.




Yes. Sure, they only barrack for Accrington Stanley but it's tough to beat a band in sepia.



Aston Villa fans looking none more Black Sabbath. And man, that's a lot of hair, but what's Ozzy's problem? Dude too cool to rock the 'stache?


Doesn't Steve Howe and Billy Sherwood sound a bit like a striker tandem? "Howe feeds Sherwood with a beautiful low cross, and he slips it passed Keith Emerson, who had no chance of stopping it." Rick Wakeman, that's more a manager's name. This might all be slightly irrelevant as Yes singer Jon Anderson is the only admitted follower of Accrington Stanley. And how much do we actually know about the recently promoted League Two side? Answer: not much. As for Yes, or just Seventies prog rock in general, that we can discuss ad nauseum. We're not proud and we'd rather not do that lest we induce said nauseum in our devoted readership. We're also not sure we'd want to sit through an entire League Two match, much like we're not sure we'd want to sit through all of Tales From Topographic Oceans... again. Although both are probably about the same length, I'd bet you've get more goals in the former than there are tracks on the latter. Americans talk about soccer being boring, but they made six Yes albums platinum? (Full disclosure: I own both The Yes Album and Fragile... as well as 90125, but is it really Yes if it doesn't have Steve Howe?). Anyway, I'm sure Anderson would aver that if the Accies get relegated, there's is no disgrace.


And from the other end of the classic rock spectrum we have Black Sabbath. And you know what's great about this match-up? These two teams could actually face off. Not Aston Villa and Accrington Stanley (well, they could in the real FA Cup obviously) but Yes and Sabbath. Each has easily had eleven members pass through their ranks. With Ozzy, Dio, Ian Gillian, Tony Martin, Ray Gillen, and Dave Donato, Sabbath gets over halfway there on singers alone. Although, probably don't want to let Ozzy on the pitch given his declining motor skills. And this could be an interesting match, as the art rock pansies might get beat up early, but you don't fancy anyone in Sabbath to be match fit enough to go 90, or even 45. So a late surge is possible. Now, is Black Sabbath like Villa in any way? Hmmm... Tony Iommi is on the verge of hitting his 40th year of consecutive and serious riffage service in the band. Have the Villans had a player roaming the midfield for 40 years? Let's go with "No." Maybe we'll just start a rumor that Randy Lerner is particularly Paranoid and leave it at that.

So, who do you like? The early progenitors of prog? Or Sabbath fucking Sabbath?

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