The EPL. The Final Day. The Madness of Trying to Follow All Games at once.

Can the Tyneside hero get it done today? I say no

So here we are, folks.... the 38th game. This is it until the Confederations Cup rolls around in mid-June (of course, we'll be all over it), unless you count the numbing monstrosities of Serie A.

All games begin at 10am, and I'm stuck with Hull/Man U on the television, as are any of you with FSC, I believe. I have another game or two on the laptop, and so I'll be bringing you a tri-liveblog of sorts, and also will try to keep up with all the other games going on at the same time. u75 just did the impossible with the SPL, so that gives me hope.

So what's the story?

- Sunderland, Hull, Middlesbrough and Newcastle all fighting to not be in the 2 remaining relegation slots up for grabs
- Can Spurs snatch the last place in Europe with a win at Anfield (and Fulham losing at home to Everton)?


As you can see, lots to keep up with.

If rushed spelling and incoherent narrative are your cup of tea, join me after the jump. I'll be back at 10.50 to get comfortable.


I did have the lineups but what's the point? Use BBC and stay here for the frantic recording of all incidents!

11.03am: Not much so far, obviously. I'm following Villa/Newcastle along with Hull/Man U and the 'Boro game. I want to see the relegation desperation in full effect.

11.04am: Agbonlahor headed narrowly over. Squeaky bum time already for the Magpies.

11.05am: Milner just ghosts by Coloccini and gets tripped for his efforts on the edge of the box. Free kick, natch, but Villa waste it and Newcastle breathe again. Not a confident start by Shearer's men, by any means.

Man United kick off, and I recognize almost none of their team. Still hung up on how crap Fabio Coloccini.

Louis Saha just hit the crossbar with a header at Craven Cottage...

11.09am: I figure FSC are about 5 minutes behind the live feed.

I think Essien just put a corner narrowly wide against Sunderland, too.... this is going to get confusing.

11.10am: COME ON MAGPIES! Damien Duff cuts inside nicely from the left, leaving Milner for dust. His right-footed shot catches Friedel by surprise but the Yank manages to turn it around the post, on reflexes alone.

And again close for Newcastle! Taylor has time to turn and shoot on the edge of the 6-yard box but it's booted off the line by Carlos Cuellar. Lovenkrands turned a nice cross in, and Martins tries to turn it goalward. No such luck.

11.13am: GOAL GOAL GOAL GOAL AT CITEH! Felipe Caicedo taps it in from close range after Robinho's quick free-kick is knocked across the area by Micah Richards. Manchester Citeh 1, Portsmouth 0

Obafemi Martins volleys it over the bar from 12 yards... he should have BURIED that. Didn't know he had 8 EPL goals this season.

11.16am: GOAL AT THE EMIRATES! A James Beattie own goal as Fabregas fires the ball into the six-yard box after a short corner. I dunno if you caught it as I was blogging, but I did predict a 4-0 Arsenal win somewhere amid the lineups... they play so well when there's no pressure whatsoever. Arsenal 1, Stoke 0

11.17am: Kevin Nolan has a crack at goal but Friedel falls on it with ease. Newcastle are definitely forcing the issue.

Not much to report at KC Stadium. Nani got fouled a minute ago, but Hull look comfortable thus far. United's teenagers are playing with no urgency whatsoever.

11.20am: Anything going on at Anfield? Upton Park? Ewood Park?

GOAL GOAL GOAL AT EMIRATES! It came from a penalty... Shawcross fouled Robin van Persie, and the oft-injured Dutchman puts it away. Arsenal 2, Stoke 0

Geovanni has a decent volley parried away by Kuszczak.

11.22am: So close for Villa! It looked like Ashley Young got free on the left and put a wonderful cross in the middle for Milner, who was right on top of Harper and the goalie got there first to poke it away.

GOAL GOAL GOAL AT EMIRATES! What did I tell you... RvP puts a cross in and Abou Diaby (his goal at Villa was one of my picks of the season, for what it's worth) nods it in. Those Gooners. Carefree. Arsenal 3, Stoke 0

11.24am: Ashley Young is causing so much trouble down the left for Newcastle. Can Ryan Taylor single-handedly keep the door closed at the back? You know Coloccini's going to do nothing.

Nani has a free-kick 30 yards out and sidefoots it towards goal.... Myhill smothers and saves.

Newcastle celebrate, as Man United just took the lead at the KC Stadium, and what a goal it was! Darron Gibson got the ball out wide left, and rocketed a shot some 30 yards from a narrow-ish angle and Myhill lost it in the sun. To be fair, he had no chance. Hull City 0, Manchester United 1

That goal keeps the Magpies in the EPL if they hold for a draw or better and Hull stay at 1-0 down.

11.28am: Junior Stanislav hits the crossbar for West Ham at home to 'Boro. So that's something.

Viduka is ready to come back on after taking a head knock.

11.29am: So far, so good I think.... right guys? It's easy to keep track when there have only been 4 goals in 10 games. I imagine events in an hour's time will be rather different. Come the 80th minute, I might need to sub out. Help me out in the comments, folks, if I'm missing goals anywhere else in the league.

11.30am: James Milner appears mandated to break down Newcastle all by himself. He is shooting from all angles. None of them are going in. Villa have had 64% of possession thus far but the Magpies have had by far the better chances.

11.31am: Gabby Agbonlahor is close to breaking that brittle offside trap, but he fails. Was clean through, but he couldn't hold his run enough! Annd.... the feed's gone dead. Need to find West Ham/Boro if possible.

TO RECAP: if these results hold, Newcastle finish 17th and Hull go down.

11.33am: GOAL GOAL GOAL FOR BRUCIE'S WIGAN! Hugo Rodallega has the easiest of tap-ins following Sol Campbell's swing-and-a-miss to clear a Charles Insomnia cross. Wigan 1, Portsmouth 0 Sidenote: I bet Shearer wishes he has N'Zogbia to call on right now. Nice work, Joe.

11.34am: Stoke have a penalty!

Michael Ballack is on for Chelsea, replacing the hobbling Belletti.

Watching West Ham/Middlesbrough now. 'Boro have a mountain to climb, but at least Marvin Emnes is trying to do the Sherpa's work. He's been busy. As I type it, GOAL GOAL GOAL GOAL.... to West Ham! Herita Ilunga gets to the byline and puts a ball right across the 6-yard-box.... Jones doesn't collect, it rattles about a bit, 'Boro fail to clear and Carlton Cole sidefoots it home from close range. That's not good for Southgate, is it? West Ham 1, Middlesbrough 0

11.37am: Goals everywhere! Denilson lays out Ricardo Fuller, and the captain-slapping striker slots the PK. Arsenal 3, Stoke 1

And then at Anfield.... GOAL TO LIVERPOOL! Fernando Torres rises like a salmon to meet Dirk Kuyt's cross and guide it in off the crossbar. Liverpool 1, Spurs 0

Lots of ankle-biting challenges at the KC Stadium, but Hull are still rarely threatening the pre-pubescent United backline, marshalled by creepy Uncle Gary Neville on the right.

Lost my 'Boro feed, but gain the Villa feed back just in time...

11.40am: GOAL GOAL GOAL TO ASTON VILLA! Shearer is rather disheartened, and rightly so; some awful luck for the Magpies. Gareth Barry gets the ball at halfway, belts a shot from 40 yards, and it's going to Row ZZ until Damien Duff gets his foot on it, presumably to deflect it down to Row XX, but it spins past Steve Harper. Awful luck. Aston Villa 1, Newcastle 0

Everything to do for Newcastle and 'Boro now... Hull will stay up as all 3 are losing. Nothing happening in Sunderland/Chelsea to speak of.

11.42am: Lost that feed again... I'll keep trying. Thankfully, the 0-0 fests at Blackburn/West Brom, Fulham/Everton, and Sunderland/Chelsea are helping keep me focused.

11.44am: So close for Villa! John Carew surges forward, crosses for Gagbonlahor, but the youngster can't turn it in. Hull fans go wild at the KC Stadium, and rightly so; only in the EPL can you lose and still be safe.

11.45am: Ha, I was right, almost! GOAL GOAL GOAL AT THE EMIRATES, and Arsenal continue to prove their fearlessness in the face of no fear whatsoever. They cement their already-cemented 4th place with a 4th goal... it was Robin van Persie! Rory Delap tried an ill-advised backheader to Sorensen, but it's never making it, and RvP chests, controls, and volleys home from 12 yards. Arsenal 4, Stoke 1

Back to watching West Ham/Boro, and 'Boro appear to have woken up. A couple of corners in quick succession.... you never know. Goals right before half-time are at a premium these days, it seems.

11.48am: EVERTON SCORE! Steven Pienaar frees Leon Osman to beat the offside trap and the tiny Welshman(?) rounds Schwarzer and taps it in. Fulham 0, Everton 1

HALF TIME: West Ham 1, Middlesbrough 0

11.48am: Florent Malouda hits the crossbar at the Stadium of Light. Nevermind; Sunderland can lose and wake up tomorrow with his team still in the EPL.

HALF TIME: Aston Villa 1, Newcastle 0
HALF TIME: Blackburn 0, West Brom 0
HALF TIME: Fulham 0, Everton 1
HALF TIME: Hull 0, Manchester United 1
HALF TIME: Liverpool 1, Tottenham 0
HALF TIME: Manchester City 1, Bolton 0
HALF TIME: Sunderland 0, Chelsea 0
HALF TIME: Wigan 1, Portsmouth 0

11.50am: HALF TIME: Arsenal 4, Stoke 1

Well, I'm off to mainline some coffee and take some speed. This was rough, even with just a handful of goals to report. If teams start scoring at will after the break, I might need to be hospitalized.

Keep up the great work in the comments too! I need help with goals from some of those fringe games that aren't really on my radar.

Let's recap for a minute:
Hull will be safe. Middlesbrough and Newcastle will go down. Sunderland are safe, I think, no matter what, as the other 3 teams are losing. How's that for anti-climax? You'd think that considering the unpredictable season we've seen thus far (except for Man U winning, of course), we'd see some fireworks early today... that said, there's still 45 mins left. It's going to take some herculean efforts by all involved to turn things around.

12.02pm: It's worth noting that safety is well within reach for Newcastle. They just need one goal. One! A draw, coupled with the inevitable 3-0 Hull defeat, will keep them up on goal difference. Then, we'll spend the summer lauding Shearer as a savior when he's absolutely not. This one's down to the guts on the pitch (not literally); Martins, Viduka, Lovenkrands and co. need to show us just why they're worth keeping around for another season.

12.04pm: They're back out on the pitch at Villa Park, with the proverbial mountain to climb.

For what it's worth, my predictions:
- Hull will lose
- Newcastle will equalize
- Sunderland will lose
- Middlesbrough will lose

'Boro and The Perma-Tan to enjoy Colaship footy next season.

Oh, and Arsenal will now go on to win 11-1, simply because they're mindbogglingly consistent in their ability to turn up for games that don't count. It'll be some real champagne football, with great goals, wonderful skill, and absolutely no consequence to anyone or anything.

Everyone's underway again.

12.07pm: GOAL GOAL GOAL AT THE STADIUM OF LIGHT! Sunderland 0, Chelsea 1 ... you had an inkling it was coming. Still, with all 4 relegation-fighting teams currently losing, the table remains the same. Nicolas Anelka absolutely buries a shot from 12 yards for the goal.

12.08pm: Whither Michael Owen? You get the sense he'll be playing for Birmingham or Wolves next season, regardless of whether the Magpies escape or not. Fact is, one great England striker (Shearer) doesn't fancy the Guy who was Almost a great England striker. The lack of faith he has in Michael Owen is astounding, though not entirely undeserved. Looking at it straight, Shearer felt more confident in a 49-year-old injury-prone Australian, and Obafemi Martins, a guy who's essentially playing with one good leg after he declined urgently-needed leg surgery in order to help the Magpies survive.

12.10pm: FOR U75: exactly when does the Statute of Limitations run out on the season of the Invincibles? I mean, how long will you trade on that incredible performance considering you've won precisely nothing since?

12:11pm: GOAL GOAL GOAL AT UPTON PARK, and Middlesbrough have a lifeline! They need another, but something about the longest journey beginning with one single step, or something. It's Gary O'Neil with a thundering shot from the edge of the box.

GOAL GOAL GOAL AT THE STADIUM OF LIGHT! SBRAGIA FANS, REJOICE! Sunderland 1, Chelsea 1... looks like third place for the Blues. Kieran Richardson, a man of great inconsistency, does well to poach a goal after Cech failed to gather a cross from the left.

12.15pm: James Milner goes close to burying Newcastle, but his shot from 12 yards drifts wide of the far post.

Hey look, there's an ugly woman in the crowd at the KC Stadium!

Geovanni's off at the KC, replaced by Caleb Folan. I'd bet that's the last time we see him in a Hull shirt.

12.17pm: A temporary lull across England... where will the next goal come from? My money's on Anfield.

Meanwhile, at Villa Park, subs for Newcastle: Jose Enrique on, Lovenkrands off.

12.19pm: Middlesbrough's goal gives them hope, but they need another. More subs warming up at Villa Park, as that game heats up.

12.20pm: GOAL GOAL GOAL AT UPTON PARK... and I have a habit of typing things at the most inopportune times. West Ham take the lead, as Junior Stanislas (great name) ensures his infamy on Tyne and Wear with a speculative shot from 20 yards that sneaks underneath Jones in goal. That's surely it for 'Boro. Nighty night. I hate to say it, but sloppy mistakes like that are what put teams in the relegation zone to begin with. West Ham 2, Middlesbrough 1

12.23pm: Fine, I'll turn on the LFC/Spurs game as the other feeds are choppy. Just in time to see Benayoun almost score. As it stands, Everton will finish 5th, Villa 6th, Fulham 7th, Spurs 8th and no Europe... meanwhile, Hull and Sunderland will survive, and 'Boro' and Newcastle say goodnight.

12.24pm: I expected more goals, EPL Final Weekend! How dare you disappoint! At Villa Park, Michael Owen is gently warming up.

GOAL GOAL GOAL AT ANFIELD (Damn you West Ham, I almost won the bet to myself).... Liverpool score again! Eat shit and die, Robbie Keane! Look what you left behind! You're a fucking joke! Die! Stupid Robbie Keane! Fuck you! (just tempting fate HARD right now, and I don't care at all). Dirk Kuyt plays a nice 1-2 with SuperJew, and his shot gets deflected in off Alan Hutton. Liverpool 2, Spurs 0

Turner is playing well for Hull... meanwhile, the Macheda Magic Fairy Dust has well and truly worn off.

12.27pm: Any late drama brewing? I don't think so.

12.28pm: MICHAEL OWEN SIGHTING. He replaces the reliable, consistent Kevin Nolan, a midfielder who'll tear up the Colaship, me thinks. Can the oft-injured, oft-rubbish Owen do something magical? JUST ONE GOAL, MAGPIES. ONE FUCKING GOAL, and you're playing a Villa team as gap-ridden at Shane McGowan's teeth, especially since Martin Laursen's unfortunate early retirement.

12.30pm: Darron Gibson handballed at KC Stadium, and Hull bring on someone for Nick Barmby.

How did Gareth Barry not bury that? Nicky Butt gave the ball away with a stupid cross-field pass, and Barry jogs past the last man before putting his shot wide. Cut to agonized shot of Shearer and Iain Dowie, arguably the two LEAST-QUALIFIED men to get the Magpies out of this funk.

12.31pm: See? Macheda is rubbish. With one to beat, he blasts a shot a mile wide from 12 yards. Douchebag. And to think his goal against Aston Villa (SEE NEWCASTLE? ANYONE CAN SCORE AGAINST VILLA) is what quite possibly maybe decided this title race. Fucking death to Macheda.

12.32pm: RED CARD AT EWOOD PARK... apparently Jason Roberts elbowed someone but it should have only been a yellow card. And that concludes your game updates from Blackburn v. West Brom.

12.33pm: One goal. One goal. One goal. One goal. C'mon Newcastle. One single goal. Liverpool put 5 past Aston Villa. CSKA Moscow scored some. United scored 3. Everton scored 2. Villa aren't that great at the back. One goal. Seriously. Can you score one goal? Invoke the ghosts of David Ginola, Les Ferdinand, Faustino Asprilla (without a gun in his hand, mind you)... make Alan Shearer look like a good idea. One single fucking goal. C'mon. Seriously. Do it.

12.35pm: As Newcastle continue to not score, Villa make some subs. Emile Heskey on for Craig Gardner, I think. Or maybe it's a double sub. Will find out shortly.

Meanwhile, wake up folks.... GOAL AT THE STADIUM OF LIGHT! The least-troubled relegation-area team fall behind via a Solomon Kalou strike after they fail to clear a corner. With everyone else still losing, it doesn't make any difference. Sunderland 1, Chelsea 2

12.37pm: Seriously, is anyone else as disappointed as I am? Four teams playing for their spot in the best league in the world, and they're all losing. If you're not doing this for the money, do it for the pride. Seriously!

12.38pm: GOAL AT ANFIELD... and I'm glad my intentional hex effort paid off in the form of a goal. Waiting to hear who scored it. Probably Robbie Keane. Wow, what's that now, 5 goals this season? Load of fucking rubbish. Enjoy not Europe next season. Liverpool 2, Spurs 1

12.39pm: Yeah, woo, Robbie Keane beat the offside trap and scored. Who fucking cares? He's rubbish! He could equalize or score a hat-trick and I still wouldn't care.

GOALS SCORED IN GAMES OF NO CONSEQUENCE: 11
GOALS SCORED IN GAMES OF HUGE MASSIVE CONSEQUENCE (including Sunderland although they were really always safe): 8

12.41pm: HA HA HA HA SUCK IT ROBBIE KEANE! An immediate answer from the Anfield gods. Eat that shit up with a spoon, you useless 2nd striker. Liverpool 3, Spurs 1

12.42pm: How did Carew miss that? Gagbonlahor's cross finds the lanky Norwegian at the back post, but he misses the header completely.

12.43pm: The 3rd LFC goal from SuperJew, Yossi Benayoun. He eluded the limp challenge of Ledley "Sick Note" King to bury it past Gomes. Suck it, Spurs. We'll win the league next year, and you'll still be shite.

12.44pm: HERE IT IS... Welcome Sami Hyppia. Gerrard narrowly bends a free-kick wide, and Hyppia comes on to rapturous waves of applause, taking the captain's armband in the process. Classy move, if not a little late. Love that Finn. Enjoy Leverkusen and come back to coach our Academy in a few years' time.

Meanwhile, it says a lot that all the action worth noting is not happening at Villa Park or Upton Park. Sorry fellas, but your teams just aren't good enough.

GOAL GOAL GOAL GOAL AT THE STADIUM OF LIGHT... and Chelsea secure 3rd place. Malouda's shot is blocked, and Arsenal's favourite Ashley Cole tucks away the rebound with his right foot, no less. Sunderland 1, Chelsea 3

12.46pm: SCORE JUST ONE GOAL, NEWCASTLE. One goal. That's it. Play 1-1-8 and do whatever you can.

Still enjoying the SuperJew's goal against the Yiddos. Get in.

12.48pm: GOAL AT CRAVEN COTTAGE...zzzzzzzz Everton score again. Who cares? Not I. Any of you? Didn't think so.

Meanwhile, Newcastle still haven't scored. What a limp way to end up in the Colaship. Precious little fight from that lot, and Shearer/whoever's in charge will have a tough time rallying the troops for next season.

Zoran Tosic comes on for Danny Welback at the KC Stadium. Another boring, limp-dicked game there. Disappointed in the lack of fighting spirit from all relegation-threatened teams today. All of you went down with nary a fight.

12.51pm: That Everton goal was courtesy of Leon Osman again. Nice goal, too; beats a couple of defenders and rockets one from 20 yards. Fulham 0, Everton 2

GOAL AT THE STADIUM OF LIGHT! Can you Magpies not see how it's done? Sunderland bung in a 2nd against Chelsea, a feat far more difficult than scoring one against Aston Villa (still nothing yet)... Kenwyne Jones bags it, as well. Hey Spurs, there's the next expensive, inconsistent striker you'll be purchasing in July. Sunderland 2, Chelsea 3

12.53pm: SAMI HYPPIA ALMOST NODS ONE IN DURING HIS FINAL GAME FOR LIVERPOOL! Love that man. Meanwhile, Newcastle still haven't scored, although Jose Enrique came this close with a mishit cross, and then Shola Ameobi heads over from an Enrique cross. Also, Michael Owen hasn't even touched the ball yet. He's fucking rubbish. Like Robbie Keane.

12.55pm:
FULL TIME: Liverpool 3, Spurs 1
FULL TIME: Fulham 0, Everton 2
FULL TIME: Blackburn 0, West Brom
FULL TIME: West Ham 2, Middlesbrough 1 'Boro go down
FULL TIME: Wigan 1, Portsmouth 0

12.57pm:
FULL TIME: Arsenal 4, Stoke 1 I was close!
FULL TIME: Aston Villa 1, Newcastle Rubbish
FULL TIME: Sunderland 2, Chelsea 3
FULL TIME: Hull 0, Manchester United 1 Hull survive... ugh
FULL TIME: Manchester City 1, Bolton 0

12.59pm So there you have it. All 4 teams at the bottom lose, meaning the table stays the same. Hull and Sunderland rejoice, while the Magpies and 'Boro drop to the Colaship. To be honest, I wish all 4 of them could be relegated, while West Brom somehow get to stay (as they're the only team in the bottom 5 who actually ever bother to play decent football).

I'm amazed that there was no real drama today. Well, there was at Anfield, where Robbie Keane was royally stuffed by his former team in a comfortable 3-1 win. Get in. Oh, and Arsenal cantered to victory, which was to be totally expected.

Thanks for playing along, fellas. We'll try to liveblog some MLS until the Confederations Cup gets started... of course, we'll be all over that.

This was a lot of fun, and not as difficult as I expected it to be! Have a wonderful rest-of-Holiday-weekend, everyone!