Just a reminder that it is your Unprofessional Foul duty to vote in the FA Cup of British Rock. The polls close at 5pm on Sunday, with the Quarterfinals scheduled for next week.
I am admittedly not an expert on string theory, but I do know that one of its basic tenets is that the universe is made up of 9-10 simultaneous dimensions, most of which we cannot perceive. Although somewhat controversial, I would argue that Chelsea prove this theory to be true: they exist on a completely different plane than the rest of the football universe.
I mean, just look at these guys! (Why yes, that is RvP scoring the equaliser against Everton. Haha!). So what is the solution to this time-draining practice? Well, the Argies think they have the answer.
Let's see. A guy is too fat to do his job. So, in response, he decides to sue. Yep, totally must be an American. "...he had failed to adhere to an ultimatum set down earlier this year regarding his physical condition."
[Ed. Update: once you've finally calmed down from watching the video below, check out this vid that captures an earlier incarnation of the Radnich/soccer insanity. He loves Posh Spice, and Freddy Adu. H/T to The Offside Rules]
In a moment you are going to watch the video clip below from KRON in San Jose. The clip features KRON's resident sports guy in a segment called "The World according to Gary".
For those who aren't aware, Gary's world is a place that no one should find themselves in. It is a world of stupidity, overseen by jolly old Gary, A guy who could not be bothered to do his homework before he interviewed San Jose's newest import and ex-Norwich player Darren Huckerby. This turnip lets KRON's viewers know just how much he thinks of the football and the Earthquakes as he wastes Darren's time with stupid and irrelevant questions.
Gary then shows his viewers "the greatest goal ever" which Darren scored in 1996 against Manchester United. What he is actually watching is a super goal Hucks scored against Birmingham 2 years ago. He lets the viewers know that it's the second best goal he has ever seen... clearly the first being the ONLY other goal he has seen.
Gary then calls Darren 'Derek' and digs deep into his extensive knowledge of the game to find out what Hucks thinks of Posh Spice.
It's no wonder people in the U.S are failing to connect with the MLS when the game is being shown so little respect and effort by soft heads like Gary Radnich, imbeciles who actually have access to players and an audience!
People like Gary who cannot be bothered to do their homework are not bringing the game any credibility!
Cringe-worthy, I know! Well Bigus wants to apologize to Darren for having been subjected to such a half-wit, and hopefully Bigus will get his chance to do so. Stand by for news on that. One thing is for sure, I will ask him some relevant and interesting questions that do not involve Posh Spice or Freddy Adu.
-Bigus
Life is full of asshats and it just so happens that parents of child-athletes seem to have higher proportion of asshats compared to regular society. Case in point, two Wisconsin gentlemen arrested earlier this week after an altercation at their daughters' soccer game.
A 45-year-old City of Waukesha woman was displeased by the comment and told Perlewitz his comment was inappropriate, the report said. Perlewitz and the woman exchanged words and later, when the officer’s wife arrived at the park and he told her that he got into a tiff with a woman, she asked who it was. Perlewitz said it was the “fat lady,” the report said. Newcomb overheard the “fat lady” comment and called Perlewitz a name and told him to pick on someone else, the report said. Even better is the seemingly animalistic ritual the two men engaged in after Perlewitz truth-speaking! Perlewitz then proved his true class as a police officer when Newcomb and his wife tried to leave. Perlewitz stood in front of the car blocking their path, then moved to the side of the car and in a performance that would have impressed Cristiano Ronaldo flopped to the feigning a foot injury.
Jeffrey Perlewitz, an off-duty Waukesha cop, and Ralph Newcomb were arrested and ticketed for disorderly conduct. The details of which could not be funnier.Perlewitz was watching his daughter play soccer when he saw his daughter get slapped by another player. He yelled to his daughter to “just slap her,” the report said.
To be fair, truth is an absolute defense to slander and she is a 45-year-old Wisconsin woman.Perlewitz approached Newcomb and asked if he had a problem, and the two men started to belly bump each other, the report said.
I just imagine a couple of walruses fighting.However, a witness said the car did not strike Perlewitz and that he, in fact, faked the whole thing, the report said.
No worries, the coach just came over and sprayed some of that magic spray and Perlewitz got back in the game.
From the "Just When You Think You've Seen It All" department comes this wonderful lede:
Having missed out on superstar Brazilian Ronaldinho, Manchester City have resorted to feng shui to boost their chances this season.Absolutely brilliant. How long until one of them worms up to the surface and leaves a giant gash in Vassell's leg?Magic crystals have been buried under the turf to energise the team's players.
Several have already been dug into the centre circle - and dozens more will be hidden beneath the corner flags before the season kicks off on August 17, according to The Daily Mirror.
One thing is certain: Thaksin Shinawatra is definitely angling to be the most eccentric owner in English football history (move over, Sullivan).
The older City fans won't like it one bit. Apparently the Thai owners love the superstitious principles of the Far East and hope the crystals will improve the team's performance and the club's financial success." This sort of activity makes me wonder just what lengths other next-tier-down clubs will try. Perhaps Aston Villa will be besieged by shaman and witch doctors right before a home fixture against Newcastle. Will Spurs bring a reiki master onto the payroll? Will Everton turn to stuffing sacred geometry maps all over Goodison Park? Yoga at Fratton Park? Regardless of what happens next, this makes for a continually comical offseason for Man City. Their fans get stuck on a ship bound for the Faroe Islands, they endure pitch troubles at the hands of a scheduled Bon Jovi concert, they sign a Brazilian from CSKA Moscow for close to 20 million pounds (I am scared for them as to how that pans out... Brazilians aren't suited to our turgid weather, and they get laughed at by Ronaldinho and his agent. What on earth could be next? Of course, Simon Brown, the feng shui consultant (also known as "guy who moves furniture around"), is impressed with Man City's decisions, not that they're paying him a lot of money or anything: It's like a Catholic putting a Crucifix on the wall, for Thai people these symbols are important. But if they really want to affect the players they should change the colour of their jerseys. Teams who wear red like Manchester United seem to win far more often than clubs in blue."
The Daily Mail managed to talk to some club sources, who were somewhat underwhelmed by the Eastern influence at Eastlands:"It's really bizarre behaviour.
Granted, it's a nice idea, but they'd have been better off spending the money on flying me over there to do a lion dance. On second thoughts, probably not."Crystals come from deep inside mountains and have a strong energy. Putting them under the pitch will bring that energy on to the field. The three-legged toad and lucky trees are aimed at promoting financial success.
No word yet on how long these crystals will protect new manager Mark Hughes from the danger of having a fickle maniac in charge of your job security.
It’s really difficult not to make fun of MLS when stories like this one pop up in the international press. (Okay, so the Sun isn’t exactly Pulitzer Prize material, but you get the idea.)
[Thanks to Bigus for the swift photoshop]
A quick wildlife preservation story for the morning rush, as Pompey revealed yesterday that they finally have permission to build their new training grounds. It's a major coup for them, along with the recent signing of Crouchaldinho, and money to burn on a couple of other players before the season starts.
However, the relief is tempered slightly by the main provision of their training ground deal: they must look after the local badgers.
While details are especially vague at the moment as to what this means, at least Pompey will now have a mascot more cuddly than the skin-and-bones of lanky Nwankwo Kanu. The grounds will cost them 15 million, and I'm still hunting down how much it'll cost to house and care for the displaced wildlife that will need new homes.
Does Redknapp have any space under his hairpiece?
After the jump, a vicious reminder of what badgers are capable of. I suppose it's a good motivation device for Portsmouth's swollen striking corps... keep missing sitters, and I'll set the badger on you!
[Also, I just wanted an excuse to link to this]
And last, but not least,
It's a funny old game, well that's the saying at least. Simon Jordan was not laughing yesterday though.
The animated Crystal Palace chairman is still fuming at the tribunal decision to allow John Bostock of his academy to join Spurs for a measly 700,000 pounds. So much so that he is selling up.
Well, let's look at this way. You are not a Premiership side and you cannot afford Premiership fees and wages. What do you do? Well, you can either say "sod it" and claim your place in the Blue Square division, getting your thrills sitting on a mini bus to Forest Green, or you can invest in a top-notch academy and find your own future players. Well Mr Jordan did just that, ploughing his own cash into the club. He began rubbing his hands together, dreaming of a home-grown super team. Cue the evil laughter... easy, right? Not quite. You see, that heavy laugh was heard all across London and scouts for Tottenham Hotspur came sniffing around. They had good look around and then left, taking one 16-year-old wonder-kid with them. How good is Bostock? Good enough for Barca! Have a look at this article I found from last year! John Bostock..Look out for him in 2013 But wait a minute? How much did Aaron Ramsey head to Arsenal for? 5 million pounds. Theo Walcott? 12 million pounds. Suddenly it looks as if Mr Jordan has been shafted, doesn't it? The tribunal argued that its previous highest award was 400,000 to Charlton for Jermaine Defoe. What really sticks out here is that Palace rejected 900,000 pounds from Chelsea when Bostock was just 14. Palace then gave him his debut at age 15. Palace Chairman Simon Jordan But I feel for him with this one. It's an absolute disgrace. What kind of message is this sending to other clubs? Don't bother funding academies, because the big teams will come and take the kids anyway. Where does that leave us? With not many young English players, that's where. In the end, all of this has been too much for Mr Jordan and he has decided to pack up his aviators and march his Gucci loafers elsewhere, and Palace are now for sale. Jordan has had enough. Quite frankly, who can blame him? Mr Jordan had this to say: I cannot wait to see what they have up their sleeves for tomorrow! -Bigus.
Back to Bostock for a moment. That's not bad, right? 700k for a 16-year-old kid?
John Bostock just couldn't resist the overtures of playing Spurs reserve games at Stevenage Borough's mighty Broadhall Way, oh wait, no, it was probably the money, that and the delusion that he would burst into the Tottenham starting XI anytime before his 21st birthday. Regardless, Master Bostock is a Spurs man... boy.
The Football League's tribunal decided that 700,000 pounds was a fair price for young master Bostock. Bargain, eh?
I have never been a fan of Simon Jordan. He struts around Laaaandan Taaaaaahhn fondling his long blonde hair while admiring his fake tan. He speaks when he should be quiet and ALWAYS has something to say."It's my specific intention to find a buyer this season... I kept my sanity by pumping millions into my academy, feeling the saving grace of my club was finding players who I thought would be chomping at the bit and ready to play in the first team. But that's been taken away from me as well. Bostock was one of the best players my academy has produced in the last 10 years and he has been sold for a packet of crisps."
What else is left to say after that? Well done, the Football League! On Tuesday you all but buried Luton Town and with Bostock you have truly proved what's important to you... and it certainly isn't grass roots football.
I love stories like this because they remind me just why we're all fans of this wonderful game. Despite their lunacy, you can't fault a loyal crowd of Man City fans from doing literally whatever it takes to see their team play.
As their UEFA Cup qualifier against EB/Streymur from the Faroe Islands loomed, a group of fans noticed how expensive plane tickets were to the tiny Northern European country, and so they made alternative arrangements: they hired a fishing vessel to take them.
For Mancunians, this is some seriously forward thinking.
It's a brilliant plan, and an inspiring one at that. It's just a shame that Mother Nature shat on their parade already. Within 24 hours of the original story via the Telegraph, the BBC reported this afternoon that the vessel was grounded in the Shetlands due to sustained poor weather. Dear oh dear. If you needed more proof that Man City were not God's team of choice, that would be it. However, as with all feel-good stories of love and devotion, the force of human kindness intervened, not without the natural PR upside, and gave these sullen Mancs a happy ending: a Faroes-based airline, Atlantic Airlines, has agreed to come and pick them up and fly 'em round trip for free. Said company president Magni Arge: This is a great opportunity for us to show there is an airline based in the Faroes which can serve both Shetland and the Faroes Islands and we've got some sponsors to help us make this feasible."
The plan was simple: drive from Manchester to Aberdeen, then take a ferry from the northeastern tip of Scotland to the Shetland Islands, and then board the vessel that would carry them on a 26-hour odyssey across to the Faroe port of Torshavn. Presumably they could then walk to Streymur from there considering how small the islands are."We've agreed to help these Manchester City supporters because this is a great event in the Faroes having Manchester City here.
Problem solved! Now all they need to worry about is the Blues coming away with a solid victory.
Ahh... today is a fun battle thanks to the natural rivalry involved between Bigus and I.
Liverpool and Norwich.
Two cities with a lot of history and a lot of past success. Of course, one's a lot better for music than the other, but we're looking at musical fans of the modern day, and it's an intriguing matchup:
In the LFC corner: the nerdy New Wave hero, Declan Patrick MacManus (aka Elvis Costello)
versus
And for Norrich City: the cocksure, high-pitched, high-strung British scream-rock of The Darkness?
Who will prevail? Let's analyze the combatants after the jump.
Seriously though, he's a treat for the ears and tbe brain. Capable of being cerebral and catchy all in the same concise three minute chunk of time, Costello is a legend. For me, it starts and ends with "Oliver's Army", the first EC track I ever heard and the one that's still fondest in my heart. And no, you eager sons of bitches, it's not my favourite because of THAT line where he says the n-word. Nope. It's just a well-constructed song. The doo-wop feel, the organ backing, the chorus and the playful, twee sound... can't beat it in the heat, for my money. "Pump It Up" was fantastic, and that duo is just the tip of the iceberg. What about "(I Don't Want to Go To) Chelsea," complete with its darker, funkier ska-infused melody? Come on people, this man is an institution, and he hates Chelsea! I also love Costello for his fervent use of the Fender Jazzmaster, the red-headed stepchild of the Fender family. It was the first guitar I ever owned, a sweet Japanese reproduction of the '58 classic set in pearl white with a cherry red pickboard and retro machine head. It's also a great fucking guitar, but only the weirdos use 'em. It was that connection for me that cemented Costello's legend in my mind. The album, Permission to Land, went to #2 in the UK charts, eventually selling 1.5 million copies in my homeland. They won a slew of rock magazine awards for their throwback metal sound, and then came the video and the next big hit single, "I Believe in a Thing Called Love". Seriously, this song is beyond insane. Go watch the video, listen to the song, and then return. A lazy, breezy rock n' roll hook gives way to a song sung almost entirely in howling falsetto, and a chorus that will drill into your brain, never to escape. It's a tough one today, people, I cannot lie. In the end, it'll come down to the simple matter of taste. Do you prefer intelligent New Wave with mild casual racism, or are you more of a beer-and-brute pub rock type? Are you someone who values longevity and constant creative evolution in your music, or do you have a fondness for short-lived, sensational novelty acts?
Elvis Costello is a great musician. Hate on him all you want; maybe you don't like his unique inflection, his obtuse lyrics, his quirky pop/punk compositions and general eccentricity. Perhaps it's his odd instrumentation, or his eclectic taste in collaborations (Honestly, I don't know what there is to dislike about any of this, but music is perhaps the most fiercely subjective and fickle of all the arts).
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The Darkness. Where do we begin? The quintet of cider-drinking pub rockers from Lowestoft hit the scene in 2003 with their single "Get Your Hands Off My Woman", a track that sent grown men rushing to the karaoke nights in a desperate attempt to hit frontman Justin Hawkins' high notes.
Your choice, interwebs. Do what you must. Liverpool, or Norwich. (I am scared at what the outcome will be, but confidence still reigns)
Pinwheels! A shirt fully inspired by the most boring toy ever. "Here son, here's a toy that I want you to blow into until you feel faint. Once you do that, it will continue to spin for about 1.2 seconds until friction stops the movement entirely. Play with it for ten minutes. Then you should tire enough to take that nap that Mommy and Daddy so desperately want you to take." Or something like that.
Once again UEFA has proven that it is unable to truly regulate clubs and hold them accountable for their chosen course of action. UEFA has denied Portuguese club Benfica's appeal of UEFA's reversal of FC Porto's Champions League ban. Rather than focus on a ban in the future that harms a club that is currently fundamentally different than the offending club, in that the manager and players are different, UEFA should focus on a penalty that strikes where it really hurts--Porto's history and pocketbook.
Large crowds, bitter rivals, and missed PKs.
Remember Luton Town? Remember them winning the League Cup against Arsenal in 1988 and making the final again in '89?
Remember how gutsy they were in the top flight?
Remember having a giggle as you climbed the stairs to the away section between terraced houses? Waving to people inside as they had their tea?
Remember Ray Harford, Joe Kinnear, Paul Walsh?
Remember the club that nurtured young talent before being forced to sell to the big boys? John Hartson, Matthew Taylor, Steve Howard, Carlos Edwards and Curtis Davies?
Well, remembering Luton Town could become the a nostalgic topic of conversation for football fans, as Luton could soon be reduced to the odd quiz question..."I know, I know... uhmmm that team that disappeared... mascot was a hatter... LUTON!!!"
What does this mean for the Bedfordshire club? They will start League 2 on Aug 9th 30 points behind the rest. Overturning that and accumulating the 47 points necessary for survival will take a season of play-off form... some 77 points or so! A tough challenge for a side that was forced to put it's entire team up for sale as administrators took the reigns of a side that has been mismanaged for years. I for one doubt that Luton Town will come close, which means that they'll drop from the Football League into the Abyss of non-league football. They will no longer be able to pay professional wages and will have to scrap around for talent that spend their days working like the rest of us*. But why should we care, Bigus? They broke the rules didn't they? Shouldn't they be punished? All of the mismanagement, dodgy dealings and back-handed business was conducted by the previous owners of the club! After nearly closing the gates after 113 years, LTFC was saved by a consortium headed by bland local news presenter Nick Owen. What does he get for his trouble? He gets to bend over while the Football Association shoves a rule book up his backside. What they should have done is recognize what this consortium has done to keep a struggling local side afloat, and to save a side that is the heart of a small town. No-one makes money from running a football club, and a club like Luton is a bottomless pit. The Football League should be doing all they can to help the supporters after years of mismanagement and false dawns. Isn't that what football is all about? It could be your club next! As you can imagine Mr Owen is quite upset about the whole thing. Speaking after the initial proceedings... On yer bike Owen....The F.A will do sweet F.A. Think again Nick. The Football League are sticking to their guns. After today's failed appeal, an official statement read: The deduction of 10 points was a heavy sanction, as it was intended to be, but was not excessive as a reflection of the seriousness of the breaches and the need to deter such conduct within football clubs." The F.A should go after the previous owners and impose fines. That would set a precedent to all of the dodgy folks who like to play fantasy football with the hearts of real football fans. Instead, they punish the punters. Also without teams like Luton, young players will have nowhere to flourish and learn. If Luton are to be relegated, it should be based on the merit of their football. At least the supporters can understand that concept. R.I.P Luton Town. It was nice knowing you.
It is entirely possible. You see, today Luton Town FC failed in an appeal to overturn a 10 point deduction awarded by the Football Association for paying agents via a third party. To this point, Luton had already been deducted 20 points for "financial irregularities".
It's a dump, but some folks love Kenilworth Rd. You enter the away stand between the houses to the right, and you can actually see into peoples' humble abodes as they go about their business."We can't believe the tribunal can be so vindictive. What on earth are they thinking of, trying to destroy us like this?"
And ahead of today's appeal? "We feel we have a very strong case because these misdemeanors were carried out by people who are absolutely nothing to do with the club now."
"The FA Regulatory Commission's responsibility was to decide the appropriate punishment for Luton's admitted breaches of the FA's own rules and regulations.
Heavy indeed! The punishment will surely see Luton disappear from professional football next season. It's good to see that in a summer of high-priced transfers and approved planning permission for new multi-million pound stadiums, in a year when the sequacious whims of a certain Portuguese footballer will make all the headlines and Ronaldinho will earn $400,000 a week for making Sol Campbell look old, that football can turn it's back on the very foundation of the game.
-Bigus
PS *Did you know that Barry Hayles was a carpenter when he played for non-league Stevenage Borough? Well he was!
Bad jokes aside, there are a few players whose names are appearing far too much, and it has to stop. At this point, all quality and calibre aside, I couldn't care less where they play next year as their sagas have become so protracted that you just wish the season began tomorrow and that we could enjoy 3 months with silence on the transfer front.
So who are these oiks that are overpopulating the world's sports pages with will-they, won't-they?
5. Anything involving Spurs Yep, I'm sick of all the rumours involving Spurs. I could single out just one -- the Berbatov-to-Man U break, the Robbie Keane-to-Liverpool story, or how they've chased several players of interest, only to have them all publicly say they're not interested. Rafael van der Vaart said he'd rather stay in Hamburg (which speaks volumes, really), Capel wasn't interested either, they were never in with a sniff of Podolski, but they're labouring on. Granted, they have made big signings of Modric and Geovanni, but honestly, they're being linked with just about anyone and everyone at the moment, and it's torturous to digest. Bentley is the latest apple of their eye, and meanwhile, we sit and sigh, waiting for August. 4. Emmanuel Adebayor Another one I'm sick of. The constant flirtation between his manager and AC Milan is becoming so indecent, it could almost be considered pornographic and unsuitable for consumption. There's also Adebayor's wonderful gift for PR, whereby he said publicly that he wants to remain at Arsenal during a press conference, only to go backstage and tell a Sky Sports employee that he's looking at all options including a dream trip to Milan. The broth is soured further by the constant fluctuation of his value, with his price ranging from 15 to 25 million and all points in-between, not to mention his club that's looking to offload more dead weight than the two numbskulls in Weekend at Bernie's. The Togolese striker will make a club very happy indeed; it just remains to be seen exactly which one. 3. Ronaldinho The bucktoothed Brazilian should really be higher on the list, but the homeland contempt brewing in the top 2 spots has consigned him to third, which is coincidentally a position in the league that his hungriest suitors, Manchester City, could never dream of achieving. We've seen pictures of fat Ronnie all over the web, and yet Trashcan Sinatra is still wetting himself over the prospect of hooking the long-haired midfielder to come play at Eastlands. The price seems high, and pundits are advising teams to look elsewhere, but he's still a marketable name, and that means everything nowadays. In addition to Man City, there's always AC Milan, who crop up so frequently in transfer rumours that I might dub them the Italian Tottenham due to their predilection for hijacking or voicing interest in any player that is for sale. Please, make it end. Ronnie's agent needs to be Old Yeller'd, lest we go insane with all the noise. 2. Gareth Barry. Of course he's on the list! Was there any doubt? The saga (that I detailed last week as best I could) is bordering on Monty Python-esque farce as neither Liverpool nor Villa show any signs of being able to compromise. Today's fresh coat of paint came in the form of Arsenal, who apparently expressed interest to O'Neill, who promptly then told The Sun in the hopes of scaring open the Anfield pursestrings. Savvy on his part, yes, but entirely boring for the rest of us. Barry's fate is essentially sealed away from Villa Park due to his comments in the media about wanting better football (and I'm still not convinced that my Reds could even give him that), but the question remains as to where he'll end up. There is an inevitability about a move to Anfield eventually being ironed out, but it would be magic if this could happen soon. It might spare us all the added grief of the merry-go-round. 1. Cristiano Ronaldo. At last, something he'll finish first in on his own merits! Despite roundly failing at Euro '08, he enjoyed the spotlight that Spain should have had by stringing the media on for two straight weeks with veiled comments and entendres that whipped the writers into a fucking agonizing frenzy. Talk of Real Madrid being a dream move immediately woke Calderon from his coke-and-sunshine binge, and the world hasn't been the same since. The petulant one is facing a three-month layoff after some ankle surgery, but it hasn't dampened the speculation much. For the love of all that is holy, I wish it had."Of course [I'm staying put], I have three more years contract so, no matter what, I have to stay. I’m staying at Arsenal."
Then, later on June 27th:"I have a lot of big clubs trying to buy me and it is up to me and my agent, Stephane Courbis, to sit down next week and find a good solution. I am in a position that I don't know where I will be playing but that is normal. If you told me seven years ago when I was playing in Togo without football boots that I would have a choice of playing in Spain or Italy it would seem crazy."
You can't teach media management like that.
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Am I missing any? Other candidates for most annoying transfer talk?
