Dog Bites Man

In maybe the least surprising news of the day, a Mancunian was stabbed in Rome.

There is a history of violence between AS Roma fans and United fans as two years ago, Roma's Ultras took to knife wielding to welcome their English opponents in the Champions League quarters. And given how that affair played out, they are probably still none to pleased with their visitors.

After Roma's 7-1 defeat by Manchester United two years ago, police fear some of Roma's hardline supporters, known as Ultras, may have linked up with Barça's ultra-nationalist Boixos Nois to take on the Reds' hooligan fringe, known as the Men in Black.

Of course Roma fans also went Stabby McKnife on an Arsenal fan in this year's Champions League round of 16. So maybe Roma fans just like stabbing people.

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Hey, This Is What Our Weekend Looked Like

That bloody mess on the ground is WAG and qualified nail technician—and who says WAGs don't have any real world skills—Danielle Lloyd.

Lloyd got in fight in a place called Crystal where she was thrown on a table of glasses and bottles. As a result of the altercation, Lloyd needed an emergency procedure for a "deep laceration on her left calf." The rest of the photos are pretty brutal.

And if anyone can explain why, on leaving the hospital, both O'Hara and Lloyd are clad in sweats from a small northeastern liberal arts college, please enlighten us.

Anyway, a PR flack for the woman sleeping her way through Spurs' roster described the events thusly:

Danielle had been socialising with six friends, including her boyfriend Jamie O'Hara, when the unprovoked attack occurred at around 2.30am. Danielle was thrown on to a table of drinks by two females.

Unprovoked. Yeah. Right.

This is the second row for Lloyd in about a month as she was punched in the face by friends of O'Hara's ex. She looks kind of fakish, so maybe people do mistake her for a punching bag.

We're making a little light if only because it seems as if Lloyd is going to be okay, but she was kind of fucked up by the whole thing as her doctor noted: “She is very lucky that the major blood vessels and arteries were not involved, otherwise she would have been left permanently paralysed.”

Oops, Lloyd probably ought to lay low for a bit if she wants to avoid more unprovoked monthly attacks and keep her legs (and face) intact.

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Yes Virginia There is a Santa Claus Liveblog

We will be liveblogging the Champions League final today. Probably from a bar. Adjust your lives accordingly.

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The Good, The Bad, The WTF

There is a big to do happening today, isn't there? Something about champions of Europe, blah, blah, blah, complete with its own theme song. Must be a big deal. Anyway, to get you started off in some kind of mood as you kill the last few hours before the big game, here we go.

(Oh, and none of that pretending like you're not going to pay attention to the game. We and you both know that you are going to be staring at some kind of screen for this thing.)

It's the rare shirt that gets highlighted here which is contemporary. It's a first (I think) when the week's shirt is from the future. If you've seen the next Barcelona away strip, then you know what is in store. If not, steel yourself, because there is no turning back once you have hit the jump.


What color is that, exactly? I've seen it listed as Mango, but I think it comes off more as a salmon. Either way it's pink. Also, since it's no longer 2003, men aren't supposed to wear pink anymore. Barcelona must not have received my meticulously worded memo to that effect, or else I did not get it properly translated into Catala.

That color is horrid. The worst part may be how dismally it meshes with the usual flourishes of the Barcelona shirt. Staring at the badge now makes one queasy just because of the border that surrounds it. The same thing goes for the Catalan flag on the back of the collar. At least the trim, in navy, works OK there.

The sad thing is that I don't even think the shirt is the worst part of the uniform. Check out the socks.


Maybe, standing alone in a picture, they're not so bad. But these are the socks that Thierry Henry will have pulled all the way up to his lower thigh (should he stay). Now picture them. Not so pretty is it? In fact, these socks may force Henry to start a new trend--pushing the socks down and tucking them behind the shinguards. I know I would.

At least one of the other guys on the blog made the comment that these shirts look like Pepto Bismol in color. I, of course, would object, since I had another shirt pegged with that comparison. Instead I offer up that these shirts look like what happens when one ingests the Pepto a little too late and then it comes back up with your escaping stomach acids. Unfortunately, I can say that I've been able to see that exact color. Food poisoning is a bitch. And so are these shirts, on the eyes.

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Tuesday Backpasses: This guy must have been awesome

Trophyless no more. Take that, haters [Soccernet]
And a look back at a win that really meant something [Arseblog]
This Bucholtz guy has a point, you know? [Style Points Blog]
I hate 'em, but Rangers fans pulled off a great prank [101 Great Goals]

French kits to be in braille. Leave your NYK-baiting comments below [The Beautiful Game]
Hey, it's always fun when the goalkeeper scores, right? [Dirty Tackle]
Not quite as hard-hitting as our Brad Guzan interviews, but Lionel Messi is a nice catch [SoccerLens]
Yes, we'll be paying close attention to the Confederations Cup. Here is a US TV schedule [Match Fit USA]

Finally:
He made up for it, but damn, this is a bad miss. Leave your NYK-baiting comments below [The Offside]

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Wait, the Weekend is Over?

Yes, we're aware that the biggest match of the season is tomorrow. We're quite literally paralyzed with anticipation.

And that explains why we were seemingly derelict in getting stuff up on the site today.

Not buying it, huh? Okay. Well, we're not good liars but we do have really good reasons for our slackitude. Normal programming (and the good Lord willing a United loss) will return tomorrow.

(Oh, and not soccer related... RIP Jay Bennet)

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Ligue 1 Weekend Review

As the season winds down the Ligue 1 champion has yet to be determined, but it will definitely be a different club from the past 7 years. This week saw reduced scoring and tight matches as clubs at both ends of the table looked for much-needed results. The result of the week goes to Le Mans, who tied Grenoble 1-1 and in so doing probably did enough to stave off relegation.



Saturday, May 23rd:

Auxerre 1-0 Saint-Etienne - Both clubs started quickly, as Payet forced a save from Auxerre GK Sorin, while Birsa sent his shot just over the crossbar at the other end of the pitch. In the 40th minute Pedretti's cross found Jelen, who shot just wide, and the latter opened the second half by shooting over the crossbar. Jelen would get his goal in the 60th minute after a defensive mistake. Saint-Etienne would have 2 final chances to earn a draw, but Benalouane was stopped by a nice save from Sorin in the 76th minute and Ilan headed over the crossbar in the 86th minute.


Bordeaux 1-0 Monaco - Bordeaux earned a vital 3 points to maintain their lead atop the Ligue 1 table by bossing Monaco all over the pitch. The club from the principality almost opened the scoring in the 3rd minute, Pino shooting just wide, but after that it was all Bordeaux. In the 10th minute Tremoulinas sent a free-kick just wide, and 10 minutes later Jussie forced a save from Monaco GK Ruffier. The lone goal of the match came in the 35th minute when Chamakh headed home a free-kick. Newly-named Ligue 1 POY Gourcuff was stopped by Ruffier just after the restart, and Bordeaux continued their pressure. In the 64th minute Sertic was stopped twice in front of net by the Monaco defense, but Bordeaux had the only goal that they needed. Freddy Adu watch: Freddy broke his streak of sitting on the bench and not seeing the pitch by...not even being on the bench.


Le Havre 0-1 Lille - Le Havre, already relegated, put up very little fight in this match, with Lille holding 59% of the possession and getting off 10 shots on goal. In the 21st minute Vittek shot just wide, and Le Havre GK Revault was kept busy for the next few minutes, coming out to grab a cross from Beria and stopping Vittek 1-on-1. The second half began with some signs of life from Le Havre, as Lille GK Butelle was called upon to stop a header from Dieuze and a free-kick from Alla. The goal came in the 67th minute when Hazard found Bastos unmarked for the relatively easy finish.


Le Mans 1-1 Grenoble - In an even match between the similarly-situated clubs, the 1 point from a draw was the deserved result. In the 3rd minute Maiga had his header stopped by Grenoble GK Wimbee, while in the 10th minute a volley from Courtois was saved by Le Mans GK Pele. The save of the match came in the 16th minute when Wimbee did well to get to a shot from Gervinho, and the GK followed that up by tipping a shot from Stromstad just over the crossbar. In the 58th minute a shot from Maiga was pushed out by Wimbee, and Le Tallec hit the crossbar with the rebound. The breakthrough finally came in the 70th minute when Akrour steered home a header from a Batlles free-kick. The lead was short-lived, however, as Wimbee once again parried a shot out to Le Tallec, with the latter finishing the rebound this time for the equalizer. Grenoble had 1 final opportunity, but Akrour was stopped by Pele.


Lyon 3-1 Caen - Lyon somewhat salvaged their season with this win, ensuring their spot in next year's Champions League. Lyon put in a dominant performance, starting things quickly with a goal from Benzema that was disallowed for offside. Caen had 2 good opportunities, but Savidan put his shot straight at Lyon GK Lloris in the 15th minute and the GK stopped Deroin in the 21st minute. In the 34th minute Juninho was brought down in the area by Lemaitre, and the former stepped up to coolly finish off the resulting PK. Several minutes after the restart Ederson and Benzema both shot wide, but there were still goals to come. In the 70th minute Govou received the ball with a nice bit of control and then finished his shot easily, taking home the GSTGC award for the week. Caen managed to make things interesting in the 82nd minute when Yatabare sent home a cross from Savidan, but Benzema secured the victory in the 89th minute after a long run through the midfield.


Nancy 1-2 Marseille - Marseille kept their slim hopes for a title alive with their victory over a struggling Nancy. In the 2nd minute Kone was stopped by Nancy GK Gregorini, while Chretien went just wide in the 9th minute. Although Nancy scored the 1st goal, it was an OG from Macaluso who deflected a shot from Bonnart. The next Marseille goal was more legitimate, as Brandao slammed a shot into the upper 90 off a corner kick in the 56th minute. Over the next 20 minutes Marseille and Nancy both saw numerous chances go wide. The latter club drew 1 goal back in the 88th minute when N'Guemo headed home a cross from Gavanon, but it was not enough.


Nice 0-2 Toulouse - The Nice offense was anemic, and they managed exactly 0 shots on goal. In the 2nd minute Bonnet forced a save from Nice GK Ospina, while over the next few minutes Gignac took several close shots on the other end of the pitch. The Ligue 1-leading scorer opened his account for this match in the 13th minute with a well-struck shot into the bottom corner. He finished his brace in the 30th minute, sending home a pass from Capoue. The second half was similar to the first, with Toulouse providing all of the offense. Nice looked to have an opportunity in the 67th minute, but Mouloungui had his shot blocked. The match ended with a speculative shot from 35 yards from Tabanou that went over the crossbar.


Rennes 3-1 Lorient - This match was fairly even statistically, but Rennes made the most of their chances to secure the 3 points. In the 7th minute Sow had his volley blocked on the line by Lorient defender Le Lan, Gyan sent a header wide several minutes later. The floodgates opened in the 41st minute when Sow collected a long pass and sent home the shot. Just before the half Fanni sent in a diving header off a corner for a 2-0 lead. The beginning of the second half was mostly listless, but things picked up in the 77th minute when Jallet hit the bar with a header. Just 1 minute later his teammate Vahirua gave Lorient some hope, but Rennes struck again in the 82nd minute when Ekoko finished off a through-ball from Leroy.


Sochaux 2-1 Nantes - The victory gives Sochaux hope that they will avoid relegation. In the 3rd minute Sverkos forced a save from Nantes GK Alonzo, and the latter did well to beat Afolabi to a cross 3 minutes later. Capoue was then stopped by Sochaux GK Richert on the other end of the pitch. In the 34th minute Erdinq headed home a Martin free-kick to open the scoring, and another Martin free-kick in the 45th minute resulted in a 2-0 lead when Afolabi finished it off. The latter then gave 1 goal back in the 61st minute when he brought down Klasnic in the area and Bagayoko finished off the resulting PK. Nantes should have equalized in the 80th minute, but Capoue hit the post, and their last chance went for naught in injury time when Abdoun was stopped by Richert.


Valenciennes 2-1 Paris Saint-Germain - PSG saw an embarrassing result come after optimism stemming from an early goal. While Luyindula went just wide in the 5th minute, his teammate Kezman was able to send home a cross from Giuly in the 12th minute to give PSG the 1-0 lead. Valenciennes then began to apply pressure, with Pujol having his shot cleared off the line by PSG defender Armand in the 25th minute. The lead should have been 2-0 in the 43rd minute, but Giuly was stopped by Valenciennes GK Penneteau. They would rue the misses in the second half as Audel equalized in the 61st minute with a header off a Danic free-kick. Pujol gave his club the lead in the 66th minute, sending home a pass from Audel. PSG had 1 final chance to equalize, but Luyindula was stopped by Penneteau in the 91st minute.



So, after Matchday 37 the top of the table looks like this: (1) Bordeaux, with 77 points on a 23-8-6 record and a +29 goal differential; (2) Marseille, with 74 points on a 21-11-5 record and a +28 goal differential; (3) Lyon, with 70 points on a 20-10-7 record and a +23 goal differential; and (4) Toulouse, with 63 points on a 16-15-6 record and a +18 goal differential.

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Gone Walkin'

It's a gorgeous day outside, and we've decided to take the advice of one Roy Keane and run away from our problems, or rather walk away from them slowly with our dog on a leash and with a rather awfully ill-advised flat cap on. Apparently the front end of the cap keeps the paparazzi glare out of the eyes.

Normal service will resume tomorrow, but for now we've got one eye on Burnley/Sheffield United, and the other eye on that Intervention marathon on A&E. That shit is crazy; we're wondering when Adrian Mutu will turn up on an episode.

Until then, go walk that dog!

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The EPL. The Final Day. The Madness of Trying to Follow All Games at once.

Can the Tyneside hero get it done today? I say no

So here we are, folks.... the 38th game. This is it until the Confederations Cup rolls around in mid-June (of course, we'll be all over it), unless you count the numbing monstrosities of Serie A.

All games begin at 10am, and I'm stuck with Hull/Man U on the television, as are any of you with FSC, I believe. I have another game or two on the laptop, and so I'll be bringing you a tri-liveblog of sorts, and also will try to keep up with all the other games going on at the same time. u75 just did the impossible with the SPL, so that gives me hope.

So what's the story?

- Sunderland, Hull, Middlesbrough and Newcastle all fighting to not be in the 2 remaining relegation slots up for grabs
- Can Spurs snatch the last place in Europe with a win at Anfield (and Fulham losing at home to Everton)?


As you can see, lots to keep up with.

If rushed spelling and incoherent narrative are your cup of tea, join me after the jump. I'll be back at 10.50 to get comfortable.


I did have the lineups but what's the point? Use BBC and stay here for the frantic recording of all incidents!

11.03am: Not much so far, obviously. I'm following Villa/Newcastle along with Hull/Man U and the 'Boro game. I want to see the relegation desperation in full effect.

11.04am: Agbonlahor headed narrowly over. Squeaky bum time already for the Magpies.

11.05am: Milner just ghosts by Coloccini and gets tripped for his efforts on the edge of the box. Free kick, natch, but Villa waste it and Newcastle breathe again. Not a confident start by Shearer's men, by any means.

Man United kick off, and I recognize almost none of their team. Still hung up on how crap Fabio Coloccini.

Louis Saha just hit the crossbar with a header at Craven Cottage...

11.09am: I figure FSC are about 5 minutes behind the live feed.

I think Essien just put a corner narrowly wide against Sunderland, too.... this is going to get confusing.

11.10am: COME ON MAGPIES! Damien Duff cuts inside nicely from the left, leaving Milner for dust. His right-footed shot catches Friedel by surprise but the Yank manages to turn it around the post, on reflexes alone.

And again close for Newcastle! Taylor has time to turn and shoot on the edge of the 6-yard box but it's booted off the line by Carlos Cuellar. Lovenkrands turned a nice cross in, and Martins tries to turn it goalward. No such luck.

11.13am: GOAL GOAL GOAL GOAL AT CITEH! Felipe Caicedo taps it in from close range after Robinho's quick free-kick is knocked across the area by Micah Richards. Manchester Citeh 1, Portsmouth 0

Obafemi Martins volleys it over the bar from 12 yards... he should have BURIED that. Didn't know he had 8 EPL goals this season.

11.16am: GOAL AT THE EMIRATES! A James Beattie own goal as Fabregas fires the ball into the six-yard box after a short corner. I dunno if you caught it as I was blogging, but I did predict a 4-0 Arsenal win somewhere amid the lineups... they play so well when there's no pressure whatsoever. Arsenal 1, Stoke 0

11.17am: Kevin Nolan has a crack at goal but Friedel falls on it with ease. Newcastle are definitely forcing the issue.

Not much to report at KC Stadium. Nani got fouled a minute ago, but Hull look comfortable thus far. United's teenagers are playing with no urgency whatsoever.

11.20am: Anything going on at Anfield? Upton Park? Ewood Park?

GOAL GOAL GOAL AT EMIRATES! It came from a penalty... Shawcross fouled Robin van Persie, and the oft-injured Dutchman puts it away. Arsenal 2, Stoke 0

Geovanni has a decent volley parried away by Kuszczak.

11.22am: So close for Villa! It looked like Ashley Young got free on the left and put a wonderful cross in the middle for Milner, who was right on top of Harper and the goalie got there first to poke it away.

GOAL GOAL GOAL AT EMIRATES! What did I tell you... RvP puts a cross in and Abou Diaby (his goal at Villa was one of my picks of the season, for what it's worth) nods it in. Those Gooners. Carefree. Arsenal 3, Stoke 0

11.24am: Ashley Young is causing so much trouble down the left for Newcastle. Can Ryan Taylor single-handedly keep the door closed at the back? You know Coloccini's going to do nothing.

Nani has a free-kick 30 yards out and sidefoots it towards goal.... Myhill smothers and saves.

Newcastle celebrate, as Man United just took the lead at the KC Stadium, and what a goal it was! Darron Gibson got the ball out wide left, and rocketed a shot some 30 yards from a narrow-ish angle and Myhill lost it in the sun. To be fair, he had no chance. Hull City 0, Manchester United 1

That goal keeps the Magpies in the EPL if they hold for a draw or better and Hull stay at 1-0 down.

11.28am: Junior Stanislav hits the crossbar for West Ham at home to 'Boro. So that's something.

Viduka is ready to come back on after taking a head knock.

11.29am: So far, so good I think.... right guys? It's easy to keep track when there have only been 4 goals in 10 games. I imagine events in an hour's time will be rather different. Come the 80th minute, I might need to sub out. Help me out in the comments, folks, if I'm missing goals anywhere else in the league.

11.30am: James Milner appears mandated to break down Newcastle all by himself. He is shooting from all angles. None of them are going in. Villa have had 64% of possession thus far but the Magpies have had by far the better chances.

11.31am: Gabby Agbonlahor is close to breaking that brittle offside trap, but he fails. Was clean through, but he couldn't hold his run enough! Annd.... the feed's gone dead. Need to find West Ham/Boro if possible.

TO RECAP: if these results hold, Newcastle finish 17th and Hull go down.

11.33am: GOAL GOAL GOAL FOR BRUCIE'S WIGAN! Hugo Rodallega has the easiest of tap-ins following Sol Campbell's swing-and-a-miss to clear a Charles Insomnia cross. Wigan 1, Portsmouth 0 Sidenote: I bet Shearer wishes he has N'Zogbia to call on right now. Nice work, Joe.

11.34am: Stoke have a penalty!

Michael Ballack is on for Chelsea, replacing the hobbling Belletti.

Watching West Ham/Middlesbrough now. 'Boro have a mountain to climb, but at least Marvin Emnes is trying to do the Sherpa's work. He's been busy. As I type it, GOAL GOAL GOAL GOAL.... to West Ham! Herita Ilunga gets to the byline and puts a ball right across the 6-yard-box.... Jones doesn't collect, it rattles about a bit, 'Boro fail to clear and Carlton Cole sidefoots it home from close range. That's not good for Southgate, is it? West Ham 1, Middlesbrough 0

11.37am: Goals everywhere! Denilson lays out Ricardo Fuller, and the captain-slapping striker slots the PK. Arsenal 3, Stoke 1

And then at Anfield.... GOAL TO LIVERPOOL! Fernando Torres rises like a salmon to meet Dirk Kuyt's cross and guide it in off the crossbar. Liverpool 1, Spurs 0

Lots of ankle-biting challenges at the KC Stadium, but Hull are still rarely threatening the pre-pubescent United backline, marshalled by creepy Uncle Gary Neville on the right.

Lost my 'Boro feed, but gain the Villa feed back just in time...

11.40am: GOAL GOAL GOAL TO ASTON VILLA! Shearer is rather disheartened, and rightly so; some awful luck for the Magpies. Gareth Barry gets the ball at halfway, belts a shot from 40 yards, and it's going to Row ZZ until Damien Duff gets his foot on it, presumably to deflect it down to Row XX, but it spins past Steve Harper. Awful luck. Aston Villa 1, Newcastle 0

Everything to do for Newcastle and 'Boro now... Hull will stay up as all 3 are losing. Nothing happening in Sunderland/Chelsea to speak of.

11.42am: Lost that feed again... I'll keep trying. Thankfully, the 0-0 fests at Blackburn/West Brom, Fulham/Everton, and Sunderland/Chelsea are helping keep me focused.

11.44am: So close for Villa! John Carew surges forward, crosses for Gagbonlahor, but the youngster can't turn it in. Hull fans go wild at the KC Stadium, and rightly so; only in the EPL can you lose and still be safe.

11.45am: Ha, I was right, almost! GOAL GOAL GOAL AT THE EMIRATES, and Arsenal continue to prove their fearlessness in the face of no fear whatsoever. They cement their already-cemented 4th place with a 4th goal... it was Robin van Persie! Rory Delap tried an ill-advised backheader to Sorensen, but it's never making it, and RvP chests, controls, and volleys home from 12 yards. Arsenal 4, Stoke 1

Back to watching West Ham/Boro, and 'Boro appear to have woken up. A couple of corners in quick succession.... you never know. Goals right before half-time are at a premium these days, it seems.

11.48am: EVERTON SCORE! Steven Pienaar frees Leon Osman to beat the offside trap and the tiny Welshman(?) rounds Schwarzer and taps it in. Fulham 0, Everton 1

HALF TIME: West Ham 1, Middlesbrough 0

11.48am: Florent Malouda hits the crossbar at the Stadium of Light. Nevermind; Sunderland can lose and wake up tomorrow with his team still in the EPL.

HALF TIME: Aston Villa 1, Newcastle 0
HALF TIME: Blackburn 0, West Brom 0
HALF TIME: Fulham 0, Everton 1
HALF TIME: Hull 0, Manchester United 1
HALF TIME: Liverpool 1, Tottenham 0
HALF TIME: Manchester City 1, Bolton 0
HALF TIME: Sunderland 0, Chelsea 0
HALF TIME: Wigan 1, Portsmouth 0

11.50am: HALF TIME: Arsenal 4, Stoke 1

Well, I'm off to mainline some coffee and take some speed. This was rough, even with just a handful of goals to report. If teams start scoring at will after the break, I might need to be hospitalized.

Keep up the great work in the comments too! I need help with goals from some of those fringe games that aren't really on my radar.

Let's recap for a minute:
Hull will be safe. Middlesbrough and Newcastle will go down. Sunderland are safe, I think, no matter what, as the other 3 teams are losing. How's that for anti-climax? You'd think that considering the unpredictable season we've seen thus far (except for Man U winning, of course), we'd see some fireworks early today... that said, there's still 45 mins left. It's going to take some herculean efforts by all involved to turn things around.

12.02pm: It's worth noting that safety is well within reach for Newcastle. They just need one goal. One! A draw, coupled with the inevitable 3-0 Hull defeat, will keep them up on goal difference. Then, we'll spend the summer lauding Shearer as a savior when he's absolutely not. This one's down to the guts on the pitch (not literally); Martins, Viduka, Lovenkrands and co. need to show us just why they're worth keeping around for another season.

12.04pm: They're back out on the pitch at Villa Park, with the proverbial mountain to climb.

For what it's worth, my predictions:
- Hull will lose
- Newcastle will equalize
- Sunderland will lose
- Middlesbrough will lose

'Boro and The Perma-Tan to enjoy Colaship footy next season.

Oh, and Arsenal will now go on to win 11-1, simply because they're mindbogglingly consistent in their ability to turn up for games that don't count. It'll be some real champagne football, with great goals, wonderful skill, and absolutely no consequence to anyone or anything.

Everyone's underway again.

12.07pm: GOAL GOAL GOAL AT THE STADIUM OF LIGHT! Sunderland 0, Chelsea 1 ... you had an inkling it was coming. Still, with all 4 relegation-fighting teams currently losing, the table remains the same. Nicolas Anelka absolutely buries a shot from 12 yards for the goal.

12.08pm: Whither Michael Owen? You get the sense he'll be playing for Birmingham or Wolves next season, regardless of whether the Magpies escape or not. Fact is, one great England striker (Shearer) doesn't fancy the Guy who was Almost a great England striker. The lack of faith he has in Michael Owen is astounding, though not entirely undeserved. Looking at it straight, Shearer felt more confident in a 49-year-old injury-prone Australian, and Obafemi Martins, a guy who's essentially playing with one good leg after he declined urgently-needed leg surgery in order to help the Magpies survive.

12.10pm: FOR U75: exactly when does the Statute of Limitations run out on the season of the Invincibles? I mean, how long will you trade on that incredible performance considering you've won precisely nothing since?

12:11pm: GOAL GOAL GOAL AT UPTON PARK, and Middlesbrough have a lifeline! They need another, but something about the longest journey beginning with one single step, or something. It's Gary O'Neil with a thundering shot from the edge of the box.

GOAL GOAL GOAL AT THE STADIUM OF LIGHT! SBRAGIA FANS, REJOICE! Sunderland 1, Chelsea 1... looks like third place for the Blues. Kieran Richardson, a man of great inconsistency, does well to poach a goal after Cech failed to gather a cross from the left.

12.15pm: James Milner goes close to burying Newcastle, but his shot from 12 yards drifts wide of the far post.

Hey look, there's an ugly woman in the crowd at the KC Stadium!

Geovanni's off at the KC, replaced by Caleb Folan. I'd bet that's the last time we see him in a Hull shirt.

12.17pm: A temporary lull across England... where will the next goal come from? My money's on Anfield.

Meanwhile, at Villa Park, subs for Newcastle: Jose Enrique on, Lovenkrands off.

12.19pm: Middlesbrough's goal gives them hope, but they need another. More subs warming up at Villa Park, as that game heats up.

12.20pm: GOAL GOAL GOAL AT UPTON PARK... and I have a habit of typing things at the most inopportune times. West Ham take the lead, as Junior Stanislas (great name) ensures his infamy on Tyne and Wear with a speculative shot from 20 yards that sneaks underneath Jones in goal. That's surely it for 'Boro. Nighty night. I hate to say it, but sloppy mistakes like that are what put teams in the relegation zone to begin with. West Ham 2, Middlesbrough 1

12.23pm: Fine, I'll turn on the LFC/Spurs game as the other feeds are choppy. Just in time to see Benayoun almost score. As it stands, Everton will finish 5th, Villa 6th, Fulham 7th, Spurs 8th and no Europe... meanwhile, Hull and Sunderland will survive, and 'Boro' and Newcastle say goodnight.

12.24pm: I expected more goals, EPL Final Weekend! How dare you disappoint! At Villa Park, Michael Owen is gently warming up.

GOAL GOAL GOAL AT ANFIELD (Damn you West Ham, I almost won the bet to myself).... Liverpool score again! Eat shit and die, Robbie Keane! Look what you left behind! You're a fucking joke! Die! Stupid Robbie Keane! Fuck you! (just tempting fate HARD right now, and I don't care at all). Dirk Kuyt plays a nice 1-2 with SuperJew, and his shot gets deflected in off Alan Hutton. Liverpool 2, Spurs 0

Turner is playing well for Hull... meanwhile, the Macheda Magic Fairy Dust has well and truly worn off.

12.27pm: Any late drama brewing? I don't think so.

12.28pm: MICHAEL OWEN SIGHTING. He replaces the reliable, consistent Kevin Nolan, a midfielder who'll tear up the Colaship, me thinks. Can the oft-injured, oft-rubbish Owen do something magical? JUST ONE GOAL, MAGPIES. ONE FUCKING GOAL, and you're playing a Villa team as gap-ridden at Shane McGowan's teeth, especially since Martin Laursen's unfortunate early retirement.

12.30pm: Darron Gibson handballed at KC Stadium, and Hull bring on someone for Nick Barmby.

How did Gareth Barry not bury that? Nicky Butt gave the ball away with a stupid cross-field pass, and Barry jogs past the last man before putting his shot wide. Cut to agonized shot of Shearer and Iain Dowie, arguably the two LEAST-QUALIFIED men to get the Magpies out of this funk.

12.31pm: See? Macheda is rubbish. With one to beat, he blasts a shot a mile wide from 12 yards. Douchebag. And to think his goal against Aston Villa (SEE NEWCASTLE? ANYONE CAN SCORE AGAINST VILLA) is what quite possibly maybe decided this title race. Fucking death to Macheda.

12.32pm: RED CARD AT EWOOD PARK... apparently Jason Roberts elbowed someone but it should have only been a yellow card. And that concludes your game updates from Blackburn v. West Brom.

12.33pm: One goal. One goal. One goal. One goal. C'mon Newcastle. One single goal. Liverpool put 5 past Aston Villa. CSKA Moscow scored some. United scored 3. Everton scored 2. Villa aren't that great at the back. One goal. Seriously. Can you score one goal? Invoke the ghosts of David Ginola, Les Ferdinand, Faustino Asprilla (without a gun in his hand, mind you)... make Alan Shearer look like a good idea. One single fucking goal. C'mon. Seriously. Do it.

12.35pm: As Newcastle continue to not score, Villa make some subs. Emile Heskey on for Craig Gardner, I think. Or maybe it's a double sub. Will find out shortly.

Meanwhile, wake up folks.... GOAL AT THE STADIUM OF LIGHT! The least-troubled relegation-area team fall behind via a Solomon Kalou strike after they fail to clear a corner. With everyone else still losing, it doesn't make any difference. Sunderland 1, Chelsea 2

12.37pm: Seriously, is anyone else as disappointed as I am? Four teams playing for their spot in the best league in the world, and they're all losing. If you're not doing this for the money, do it for the pride. Seriously!

12.38pm: GOAL AT ANFIELD... and I'm glad my intentional hex effort paid off in the form of a goal. Waiting to hear who scored it. Probably Robbie Keane. Wow, what's that now, 5 goals this season? Load of fucking rubbish. Enjoy not Europe next season. Liverpool 2, Spurs 1

12.39pm: Yeah, woo, Robbie Keane beat the offside trap and scored. Who fucking cares? He's rubbish! He could equalize or score a hat-trick and I still wouldn't care.

GOALS SCORED IN GAMES OF NO CONSEQUENCE: 11
GOALS SCORED IN GAMES OF HUGE MASSIVE CONSEQUENCE (including Sunderland although they were really always safe): 8

12.41pm: HA HA HA HA SUCK IT ROBBIE KEANE! An immediate answer from the Anfield gods. Eat that shit up with a spoon, you useless 2nd striker. Liverpool 3, Spurs 1

12.42pm: How did Carew miss that? Gagbonlahor's cross finds the lanky Norwegian at the back post, but he misses the header completely.

12.43pm: The 3rd LFC goal from SuperJew, Yossi Benayoun. He eluded the limp challenge of Ledley "Sick Note" King to bury it past Gomes. Suck it, Spurs. We'll win the league next year, and you'll still be shite.

12.44pm: HERE IT IS... Welcome Sami Hyppia. Gerrard narrowly bends a free-kick wide, and Hyppia comes on to rapturous waves of applause, taking the captain's armband in the process. Classy move, if not a little late. Love that Finn. Enjoy Leverkusen and come back to coach our Academy in a few years' time.

Meanwhile, it says a lot that all the action worth noting is not happening at Villa Park or Upton Park. Sorry fellas, but your teams just aren't good enough.

GOAL GOAL GOAL GOAL AT THE STADIUM OF LIGHT... and Chelsea secure 3rd place. Malouda's shot is blocked, and Arsenal's favourite Ashley Cole tucks away the rebound with his right foot, no less. Sunderland 1, Chelsea 3

12.46pm: SCORE JUST ONE GOAL, NEWCASTLE. One goal. That's it. Play 1-1-8 and do whatever you can.

Still enjoying the SuperJew's goal against the Yiddos. Get in.

12.48pm: GOAL AT CRAVEN COTTAGE...zzzzzzzz Everton score again. Who cares? Not I. Any of you? Didn't think so.

Meanwhile, Newcastle still haven't scored. What a limp way to end up in the Colaship. Precious little fight from that lot, and Shearer/whoever's in charge will have a tough time rallying the troops for next season.

Zoran Tosic comes on for Danny Welback at the KC Stadium. Another boring, limp-dicked game there. Disappointed in the lack of fighting spirit from all relegation-threatened teams today. All of you went down with nary a fight.

12.51pm: That Everton goal was courtesy of Leon Osman again. Nice goal, too; beats a couple of defenders and rockets one from 20 yards. Fulham 0, Everton 2

GOAL AT THE STADIUM OF LIGHT! Can you Magpies not see how it's done? Sunderland bung in a 2nd against Chelsea, a feat far more difficult than scoring one against Aston Villa (still nothing yet)... Kenwyne Jones bags it, as well. Hey Spurs, there's the next expensive, inconsistent striker you'll be purchasing in July. Sunderland 2, Chelsea 3

12.53pm: SAMI HYPPIA ALMOST NODS ONE IN DURING HIS FINAL GAME FOR LIVERPOOL! Love that man. Meanwhile, Newcastle still haven't scored, although Jose Enrique came this close with a mishit cross, and then Shola Ameobi heads over from an Enrique cross. Also, Michael Owen hasn't even touched the ball yet. He's fucking rubbish. Like Robbie Keane.

12.55pm:
FULL TIME: Liverpool 3, Spurs 1
FULL TIME: Fulham 0, Everton 2
FULL TIME: Blackburn 0, West Brom
FULL TIME: West Ham 2, Middlesbrough 1 'Boro go down
FULL TIME: Wigan 1, Portsmouth 0

12.57pm:
FULL TIME: Arsenal 4, Stoke 1 I was close!
FULL TIME: Aston Villa 1, Newcastle Rubbish
FULL TIME: Sunderland 2, Chelsea 3
FULL TIME: Hull 0, Manchester United 1 Hull survive... ugh
FULL TIME: Manchester City 1, Bolton 0

12.59pm So there you have it. All 4 teams at the bottom lose, meaning the table stays the same. Hull and Sunderland rejoice, while the Magpies and 'Boro drop to the Colaship. To be honest, I wish all 4 of them could be relegated, while West Brom somehow get to stay (as they're the only team in the bottom 5 who actually ever bother to play decent football).

I'm amazed that there was no real drama today. Well, there was at Anfield, where Robbie Keane was royally stuffed by his former team in a comfortable 3-1 win. Get in. Oh, and Arsenal cantered to victory, which was to be totally expected.

Thanks for playing along, fellas. We'll try to liveblog some MLS until the Confederations Cup gets started... of course, we'll be all over that.

This was a lot of fun, and not as difficult as I expected it to be! Have a wonderful rest-of-Holiday-weekend, everyone!

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Liveblog: SPL final day

I am crazy.

That's why I set my alarm for 7.30 on a rainy Sunday with the idea that I would somehow put together a liveblog of three different games, one of which is not even on TV. Oh, and that game that is not on TV? That's the only one I care about. Join me (or read about my descent into madness later) inside for updates on Aberdeen-Hibs, Celtic-Hearts and Dundee United-Rangers.

While we are waiting, perhaps you can suss out exactly who the mysterious "Club X" is that Soccernet is introducing to Division 3?



0.00 Kickoff, I have no feeds.

0.00 OK, I have the Celtic match, I think. It keeps switching.

4.00 Guy keeps switching in between the two matches. I hate him.

6.00 GOAL GOAL GOAL Everyone's favorite diver, Kyle Lafferty, oddly not suspended by the team for this match slides home a goal for Rangers. 0-1 Rangers.

9.00 Yellow Card. Dundee United's captain Lee Wilkie carded for dissent.

10.00 Nice to see Mr. Match Fit USA here. I had both streams going, then they died. Please hold.

14.00 Down to one stream again. Currently, it is Celtic-Hearts. No idea what is happening in Aberdeen.

15.00 Me too, Mr. Davis.

17.00 GOAL GOAL GOAL GOAL GOAL GOAL Lee Miller fires Aberdeen in front! 1-0, and Aberdeen have the inside track on the Europa League with United behind.

18.00 Okay, so the goal came 5 minutes ago. I'm doing the best I can without an actual video feed of the match.

18.00 I'll take it too, considering Hibs had the early shots in the first ten minutes, a fact I was in the process of discovering as the goal flashed across the screen.

21.00 United with a good effort there. Goodwillie had knocked down his man on an aerial challenge, then won the ball. His run into the box was impeded at the very last moment. And I've been switched back to Celtic.

23.00 Commentators there seem to be intimating that Hearts are in control of the match.

27.00 Celtic look indifferent. Back to United-Rangers

28.00 I must commend this pirate, his feed is very nice. Now if we can just find some more Rangers goals, though United have not looked very threatening.

30.00 A ridiculously bad clearance by the United keeper almost leads to an easy chance for Rangers.

31.00 It wasn't really threatening, but United almost curl in a corner. A lot of swerve on that one. Back to Celtic not caring.

32.00 And just like that, Hearts take a 30 yard shot and Boruc gives up a meaty rebound. Smothers it just before the visitors can get to it. Still 0-0

33.00 On the other end, off of a corner, Paul Hartley has a shot from 25 saved well. Get me off this game. With Rangers in front, this game has no meaning.

34.00 Celtic seem to have decided to play after all. McGeady ahd a run over the top of the box, passed to Nakamura who, from 12 yards out, was well saved. Resultant corner came to nothing. Back to Tannadice.

36.00 WSR--or it could even be Gretna2008, their spot is waiting for them.

38.00 David Goodwillie, Dundee United's playmaker on the pitch today, down with an injury. He limps off and will be okay.

39.00 SPL's leading scorer Kris Boyd, beats the keeper but not the guy on the line. Still 1-0.

41.00 Back to Celtic. Just in time to see one of them get knocked out like Martin Havlat. Back to Rangers.

43.00 Kris Boyd makes a meal out of an outstretched arm. No call, none deserved.

44.00 Edu gets slaughtered on the edge of the box. Free kick coming. Yellow card for some guy named Prince.

45.00 GOAL GOAL GOAL. Papac took the free kick which found traffic. It was cleared to Mendes who threaded it along the ground from 20 yards. 0-2 fucking Huns. I can't believe I'm excited for them.

TWEET TWEET TWEEEEEET Halftime everywhere. Rangers are in control of the title, and I could really use another Aberdeen goal. See you in 15.

Wow. Aberdeen seems to be running a couple of minutes behind. They got another one before the break, through the not-suspended Charlie Mulgrew to go up 2-0. But Derek Riordan pulled one back for Hibs, also in stoppage time. 2-1 at Pittodrie. I'm scared.

I must say, I'm kind of digging on the one feed switching back and forth. It's better than trying to pay attention to two feeds. (Plus, it's the only thing I can get that keeps running).

45.01 We're back in Dundee.

48.00 Stream's gone choppy. We'll see how long it lasts.

51.00 Sub coming in for United. Switch to Celtic. Must say that Edu really seems to have been a catalyst for Rangers run to a likely title. DMB, not so much.

53.00 GOAL GOAL GOAL GOAL Rangers up 3-0. Kris Boyd. I didn't see it. Title race over.

Rangers have done what Wolfsburg did yesterday, and that is to make sure that there was nothing to worry about at the end. Mon the Dons, we need another. United have lost for sure.

55.00 McGeady wide from eight yards. It doesn't matter.

So, Wee Gordon Strachan out, or what? Celtic had the title sewn up in January, then lost the plot. Is he done in Glasgow?

Back to Rangers. They are celebrating in the stands, and there is no reason not to.

58.00 All I can offer on Aberdeen-Hibs are some stats. Aberdeen have a decent possession edge 57-43, are outshooting Hibs 7-6 with a 6-3 edge on target. Corners are 8-1. That's all very nice, but I want a third goal.

Fun (maybe) Fact: The SPL will have the greatest percentage representation in Europe next season. 6 out of 12 SPL teams will feature in European competition. Rangers, Celtic, Hearts, and Falkirk are confirmed. There's still fourth place in league and a fair play award to be decided. Motherwell led the fair play choice at last check, and Aberdeen, with half an hour left, are in the last league position spot.

65.00 I'm just plain nervous now, and it's too early to drink.

67.00 Feed has switched back to Celtic. It's a tomb in there.

jjf3-nice to see you up this morning. I would not be surprised, simply because Strachan has never been a popular manager, even while bringing home three straight titles and a nice CL run last season. I do think McGeady got out of line and was punished. Unfortunately for Strachan, it was at just the wrong time. But a gaffer has to control his team no matter what the consequence.

As for the big whale deal--yes, you are correct. Celtic fans are currently salivating over the poor finances of Rangers not realizing that, if there is no Old Firm alliance (the extreme-Rangers fold), they will not be able to strong arm the league like they have for decades.

jjf3-Don't tempt me like that. I need a fucking goal.

74.00 Nothing really happening at Tannadice. Both teams are just walking out the season. This is one of those games where it is a disservice if the ref adds injury time to the second half.

75.00 It's a few minutes behind, but Hibs have a RED CARD Ian Murray gets it in the 69th. He had a yellow earlier, so I don't know if it's a second or a straight red. God, it is going to suck when Hibs get an equalizer.

I think I may go puke.

80.00 A helicopter is flying over Tannadice. The SPL trophy is inside. Rangers fans are ecstatic.

83.00 Bastard Lafferty comes off. Aberdeen fans will appreciate that he scored the first goal today, no matter what happened last week.

Yellow card for Aberdeen. Get a goal you bastards. (my language skills fall to shit under pressure)

89.00 Poor David Goodwille. He really put in a good effort today. Nothing to show for it. One minute stoppage.

90.00 Celtic still scoreless, I don't care.

FUCK YEAH! Aberdeen awarded a penalty!

Rangers are your champions. Booo. They beat Dundee United today. YAY!

87.00 That ain't right. Aluko missed the penalty. I'm going to be sick but am not leaving my chair.

89.00 Hibs have had a couple of yellows late. Hopefully they have given up on scoring and are just focused on getting sent off.

90.00 It is in stoppage time.

Rangers just lifted the trophy. Lucky them.

YYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Full Time in Aberdeen 2-1 final. Going to Europe! FUCK and YES.

LB is liveblogging the EPL's final day at 11 EDT. Stay tuned. I'm going to go pass out for an hour.

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