When Luis Enrique speaks [in metaphorical terms about football and sexual ecstasy], people listen. He's promised the world a display of "Orgasmic" footy from his Barca squad (he coaches the reserves) today at The Bridge. Is it Delusions of Pleasure... or a top line to the magic the Catalans have in store today for Chelski and the world? Present party is hoping Leo and Sammy spray Cech wet with attacking grandeur, but the more reasonable sorts among us (looking... looking... they're here, I swear) have a feeling it won't cum quite so easy. Chelsea have a way of toughening up in these spots.
So here we are, just 15 minutes to kick. It's 0-0 after the first leg at the Nou Camp. A win or goal-scoring draw puts Barca through. Chelsea need to win to book their title rematch with United. And then there's always the possibility of PKs after another impotent, scoreless draw. We go flaccid at the thought.
Lineups después del salto!
First-- Michael Ballack, Nicholas Anelka, Alex, Dani Alves and Sergio Busquets are all on Darren Fletcher Alert-- one yellow and OUT for the final.
Second-- Questions! Will Thierry Henry man up and play? (Answer: NON) Who will play center back for injury and suspension-ridden Barcelona? Rafa Marquez is out with that knee injury (is it no longer even a chuckle-worthy irony that the most dangerous place on the pitch for a footballer is that spot five yards clear of other players and the ball?) and Captain Carles Puyol misses out after collecting one too many yella cards. It'll probably be Gerry Pique and Eric Abidal/Yaya Toure. (Answer: TOURE) That's my wild guess at 1.45 pm et. By the time you see this there will be an actual lineup right below...
right here...
So it goes:
For Chelsea--
Subs: Hilario, Ivanovic, Mikel, Kalou, Belletti, Mancienne, Di Santo
For visiting Barcelona--
Subs: Pinto, Caceres, Gudjohnsen, Bojan Krkic, Sylvinho, Alex Hleb, Pedro
Already y'all, we are off in a just a few minutes. Let's hope for a nut-busting second leg. (You promised, Luis!)
Countdown to no more Tommy Smyth: 2 games
ReplyDeleteOrgasmic football? I want what he's having.
ReplyDeleteI just noticed that the women in the Champions League Choir in the Heineken commercials are wearing Champions League dresses. I'm going to make my wife get one of those. Off to get the kid. Hopefully I'll see some of the first half.
ReplyDeleteESPN still has it next year right?
ReplyDeleteThese CHAAAAAMPIOONNSSS commercials are killing me.
Okay, open threaders, it's moral dilemma time. At home, Chelsea-Barcelona is DVRing, which I will watch with Mrs. Haaskivi at 8:00 tonight with some awesome grilled cheese from a new restaurant we found out about. Kids asleep, just me, her, sandwiches, and soccer.
ReplyDeleteHowever...I'm bored as fuck at work right now and could totally watch the game. Should I...
a) Abstain now to be surprised later?
b) Watch now and pretend to not know what happens, knowing that if Chelsea wins 5-0 that I'll have to sit through every agonizing goal?
c) Watch now and tell her it sucked if Chelsea wins (like I did yesterday)?
d) Something I haven't thought of yet. You have seven minutes.
Magnakai:
ReplyDeleteyou have to watch now and feign surprise later. What else will you do with yourself until 8pm?
That kid is as tall as Messi.
ReplyDeleteI can occupy myself with World Soccer Manager until later. I really just have to make it until 5:00, when I leave work and have children duties while my wife is on the wrong end of parent-teacher conferences.
ReplyDeleteAnd I love the CL dresses. WorldSoccerShop.com needs to carry those.
You're not dissing grilled cheese, are you?
ReplyDeleteIs it Chuck E. Cheese?
ReplyDeleteI would kill a man for a good grilled cheese sammich
ReplyDelete@LL: That's all they make. ;-)
ReplyDeletehttp://www.meltbarandgrilled.com/
@teek not at all. but generally, you'd agree, grilled cheese are a diy pleasure.
ReplyDeleteA frog killing for cheese eh? Shocking.
ReplyDeletethat's it! Georger's out for Baltimore
ReplyDeleteThat's fine, with you gone Paris will no doubt be ripe for the conquering.
ReplyDeleteWhat the hell was that Didier?
@mg That menu is ridiculous.
ReplyDeleteno, no NO they are NOT coaches, they're managers. Coaches are the assistants.
ReplyDeleteyeah, Melt Bar needs to franchise to Manhattan.
ReplyDeleteNERVY
ReplyDelete@Teek: I love the picture of the guy eating the sandwich at the beginning.
ReplyDeleteSwashbuckling? No.
ReplyDeletebetter not eat too many of those, you'll end up a Lampard.
ReplyDelete@Mags - now we all know where you live. I'll be there for dinner
ReplyDeleteTwo outstandingly Zendenesque crosses by Alves thus far.
ReplyDeleteWow, that was a hell of a shot by Essien.
ReplyDeletethis Michael Essien chap, maybe we should look into him
ReplyDeleteJesus...
ReplyDeleteUgh.
ReplyDeleteI give him 99 more cracks at that and I bet he'd miss all 99, but wow...
ReplyDeletewow what a strike.
ReplyDeleteShort corners? Really Barca?
ReplyDeleteEssien - 1
ReplyDeleteXavi - 0
TFA is prescient so far.
still doesn't change anything for Barca. 1 goal and they are through
ReplyDeleteI don't think Derek Rae knows what 'theoretical' means.
ReplyDeleteWell, it changes how the game is played as now we are treated to 85 more minutes of Chelsea reprising last week.
ReplyDeleteWait that was Toure's fault?
ReplyDeletegood point, PR. But from Barca's perspective, they needed to attack for a goal from the get-go, so that mentality stays the same (assuming they never wanted to play for extra time/PKs).
ReplyDeleteA Lucas-esque shot by Frankie
ReplyDeleteAlso makes Barca more susceptible to the counter as they are not the most patient side.
ReplyDeleteFrom Soccernet:
ReplyDelete12' And don't forget, Barca went 1-0 down early on against Real on Saturday and we all know what happened next. They pulled Madrid's pants down and spanked them silly.
OK, I'm watching, but I don;t feel it. Probably not going to comment much, except to say that next year's Tron kit still looks better than the road cone orange Cech is wearing today.
ReplyDeletechelsea have that '89 pistons "last year made us hungrier by a mile than any other team" look about them now. certainly, they can smell it. barca is the magician and chelsea is the raging mongrel with cocked bludgeon (easy fight to handicap, that)
ReplyDeleteso, Iniesta can't play in any matches during the day, right?
ReplyDeleteThat was a yard inside the area.
ReplyDeleteMaybe a foot, but yeah... inside.
ReplyDeleteIsn't there some rule where it's the ref's discretion if the foul carries in from outside the area to inside?
ReplyDeleteWow, Barca are really riding their luck now
ReplyDeleteThat would be one of the weakest penalties ever. Don't act like the jersey pull rule gets called Tommy, you dick.
ReplyDeleteI've yet to find a good stream and ESPN360 is choppy as fuck. I see that Chelsea fucking scored, though, which is making my grilled cheese date less than spectacular. I should quit now and save some surprise for later.
ReplyDeletetommy smYth is PISSED.
ReplyDeleteBarca's good luck = Valdes good timing
ReplyDeletePossibly, but the real foul was obstruction after the turn of direction, which was obviously in the box.
ReplyDeleteIf Chelsea lose out, they've had at least two penalties not called, by my eye, and I only turned it on as Essien scored. No worries though, I think, this Barca defense is a mess without Puyol and Marquez.
Plus Georger, Drogba was offsides. Just Tivo'd frame-by-frame. Linesman missed the call.
ReplyDeleteWow,
ReplyDeleteRough game for this referee to get. Not saying he is blowing it, just that there are already a bunch of calls (or non-calls) he will be answering questions about for years to come.
Please score Barça, nobody wants to see Chelsea/United again. Please...
How much money does Smyth have on Chelsea? Christ.
ReplyDeleteIf kickoff was at 2:45, ESPN360 is four minutes behind. That's completely retarded.
ReplyDeleteAll the money SAF pays for fellating him.
ReplyDeleteAnd now, despite my best effort, I'm sucked in. Can't really say I'm pulling for either, just for a good game from all three teams--FCB, CFC and the refs.
ReplyDeleteHa Ha everyone, where are your ESPN360 gods now?
ReplyDeleteand Alves is now ineligible for the final
ReplyDeleteAlves watches the final at home, just like you and me.
ReplyDeleteSomeone screencap Fat Frank in that position. I have a feeling that will be useful in future posts.
ReplyDeleteGreat Dr Evil poses from Guus
ReplyDeleteAnd now for the personal blog moment. There's a tornado warning in my county. Would have been more fitting yesterday, Mother Nature.
ReplyDeleteWow, I guess that proves that Tommy Smyth reads UF. I feel so dirty
ReplyDeleteI can't wait for ESPN to lose the CL so I can cut down on the amount of time spent listening to Onion Baggins.
ReplyDelete@Teek - what did he say. I am watching without sound so as to not to be fired.
ReplyDeleteWhat was it, Teeknuts? I turned it down listening for the roar of the tornado.
ReplyDeleteHe said the 99 of 100 thing about Essien.
ReplyDeleteSame comment PR said about missing that shot 99 more times
ReplyDeleteAlright, got a feed that's actually on time (provided it is, in fact, the 34:30).
ReplyDelete36.30...now
ReplyDeleteConfession time--PR is Tommy Smyth and I hate him.
ReplyDeleteI suspect Onion Baggins is a racial insensitive character played by Ricky DiNuncio from Teaneck, NJ. No one could honestly be this much of a caricature without trying.
ReplyDeleteDo you hope he dies in his forced retirement?
ReplyDeleteSmyth hates Messi it seems. I like how people are dumping on Messi for not scoring in this tie yet Ronaldo got a pass for two years of not scoring against a big four side and crapping himself for Portugal.
ReplyDeleteI don't understand how Messi had time to film the new Terminator movie while La Liga was playing the whole time.
ReplyDeleteDoes Barcelona know I actually bought a shirt of theirs? I own as many Liverpool shirts as I do Barcelona shirts. They need to start earning that.
ReplyDeleteChelsea playing that well?
ReplyDeleteBarcelona playing that poorly?
Or combo?
Some days more than others, but yeah.
ReplyDeleteBarça is NOT trying to catch Chelsea on the hop with the short corner. They almost always take short corners(esp against physically bigger teams). How do I know that and the guy being paid to know the game does not?!?
ReplyDeleteGet goalside, Barca.
ReplyDeleteI blame Unicef for Barca's shortcomings in Europe the past three seasons.
ReplyDelete@30f: You probably don't have a sweetass Derek Rae accent.
ReplyDeleteBarca are going to win 3-2. Write that shit down.
ReplyDeleteIt can't be helpful that Iniesta seems to have Landon Donovan's hairline.
ReplyDelete@Steve: The haircut's incidental.
ReplyDeleteMalouda looks like the guy with the shrunken head from Beetlegeuse.
ReplyDeleteyou mean he was a dumbass pre-haircut?
ReplyDeletepoint taken.
Simon Adebesi's goal is the difference on this white hot night.
ReplyDelete45 minutes closer to the soul-crushing inevitability of a United-Chelsea final.
ReplyDeleteWasn't the last time Chelsea played United a boring ass 1-0 United win where, had they played for a month without stopping, Chelski never would have even threatened goal?
ReplyDeleteThere's your CL Final preview.
You know what sucks? Chelsea played Liverpool four times this year, with a total record of W1 D1 L2, and yet may still go through past them.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I'm not listening to "World Soccer Daily" until after the final if Chelsea goes through.
Wait it was one way traffic towards Valdes? Wasn't I just watching a game where Chelsea were parking the bus and countering?
ReplyDeleteShaka Hislop, smarter than Tommy Smyth.
ReplyDeleteMaybe Barcelona needs a Gerrard-type figure to bolster their reserve in the locker room.
ReplyDeleteWell, that 60-40 Barca possession edge can be deceiving, right?
ReplyDeleteCome on now, a 10 year old is smarter than Tommy Smyth.
ReplyDeleteGeorger, a bag of onions is smarter than Tommy Smyth
ReplyDeletecome one guys stop making fun of the defenceless old man :( :(
ReplyDeleteTo be fair to Tommy, though, he's not at the Bridge- he and Rae are in the Bristol Broom Closet. So he is forgiven for only being able to see the feed, and not the whole pitch.
ReplyDeleteAlso to be fair, Smyth is probably exhausted from being up all night trying to steal people's Lucky Charms.
ReplyDeleteWouldn't he be defending his Lucky Charms?
ReplyDeleteCome on, Teek. One Irish stereotype is as good as another.
ReplyDeleteAlves does know that the goal isn't on the roof of the Bridge, doesn't he?
ReplyDeleteThat's a badass captain's armband.
ReplyDeleteThey've gotta get these Biscuits and Catfood or whoever the hell they are guys off the field.
How long til Drogba starts diving every 5 minutes?
ReplyDeleteWell, he just went down, so another 4:30...
ReplyDeleteDROGBA FAIL
ReplyDeleteExcellent fail. Anelka actually passes, and Drogba blows a relatively easy chance.
ReplyDeletethat stretch for chelsea with anelka up top and drogba on the right almost paid off
ReplyDeleteWHAT A TACKLE
ReplyDeleteA gif of that Drogba penalty whine may rival CR7's from a couple of week's ago.
ReplyDeleteIs there something where Spanish managers refuse to make subs when people are playing like dick?
ReplyDeleteThis game either needs another goal, or to hurry up and get to the last ten minutes.
ReplyDeletedid rae really say "us neutrals"
ReplyDeleteHey let's continue to run our offense through the guy who keeps hoofing balls into the crowd.
ReplyDeleteDrogba sure loves being on the ground.
ReplyDeleteShameful shit from Drogba. I keep telling you, they need to get rid of the continuous clock for injuries.
ReplyDeleteYou've got Bojan and Eidur (who is HUGE) on the bench and are getting close to twenty left without making a sub. Why I would think someone who wears a leather tie knows anything, is beyond me.
ReplyDeleteLionel needs to grow his hair back.
ReplyDeleteRed. Book it. Done.
ReplyDeleteAnd the French continue to ruin football.
ReplyDeleteOH MY GOD WHAT A DIVE
Make up call!
ReplyDelete(pay no attention to who got the card)
ReplyDeleteKarma Police, injure this man
ReplyDeletedie drogba die.
ReplyDeletethat was atrocious. and i'm a blues fan
ReplyDeletecan i resuscitate the howard webb jokes, pretty please??
ReplyDeleteIf Chelsea goes through, I actually want them to have all of their players for the match, just like United (save for Fletcher).
ReplyDeletePhil, it was Anelka that took the dive.
ReplyDeleteThere has to be a make-up call coming. Who is on a YC for Spartak?
ReplyDeleteEssien, still dirty as hell.
ReplyDeleteOops. I just have this habit of typing "Drogba" before "dive" because the two words are so often associated.
ReplyDeleteBelletti on for Drogba.
ReplyDeleteThat sound you hear is the bus being parked in front of the goal.
Good job, Alex.
ReplyDeleteAlex out for the final. Oops.
ReplyDeleteNo that sound is Platini screaming and stamping his foot, C-Ron style.
ReplyDeleteLAst great chance?
ReplyDeleteessien, perhaps dirty as hell. still, is their a player in the world, aside from maybe messi since his age, that you'd prefer to build a team around
ReplyDeletesee that should be a red for alex, by these standards.
ReplyDeleteAs much as I want Chelsea to go away, they have made Messi disappear. Takes some doing, that.
ReplyDeletei've said it before and i'll say it again in the future, and i will say it now, if essien weren't playing for chelsea he would without a doubt be one of my absolute favorite players in the world. right now he still makes the top 10.
ReplyDeletehe remains the sole footballer i that has ever made my dreams. somehow i knew him in high school and played a pickup game with him. weird.
yeah .... that's a pk
ReplyDeleteIf I was a Chelsea fan, I'd be very worried about the no calls now. No room for error.
ReplyDeleteThis match is just plain weird...I am watching it and I still think that Chelsea is going to lose...
ReplyDeleteI am just waiting for a 'Brave' John Terry mishap to occur. We've already had the Drogba dives..which are commonplace for Chelsea Champions League match
i hate that tommy smyth is pulling for chelsea.
ReplyDeletei root for chelsea because my uncle liked them. i'm wearing an essien jersey because hes the man
Obvious handball.
ReplyDeleteI posted this in the first half. Still seems to apply now:
ReplyDeleteWow,
Rough game for this referee to get. Not saying he is blowing it, just that there are already a bunch of calls (or non-calls) he will be answering questions about for years to come.
Please score Barça, nobody wants to see Chelsea/United again. Please...
they must play a different sort of football in norway.
ReplyDeletealso, ca. 7 minutes until i have to eat my words from last week regarding barca's inevitable goals...
Well, this is a disappointing scoreline.
ReplyDeleteMessi fall down go boom!
ReplyDeleteSorry, but there is no way he can give that now, Messi.
ReplyDeleteChrist, Pep should be fired for THAT.
ReplyDeleteI hate football.
ReplyDeletetommy smYth is pissed that Pep would dare talk to Guus during the game.
ReplyDeleteLook at the Barca players laughing on the bench. I just can't take La Liga seriously.
ReplyDeleteSo, should we have an anti-CL final liveblog?
ReplyDeleteHow is Lampard in the stands and on the field at the same time?
ReplyDeleteBarcelona look all outta sorts. They look like Arsenal.
ReplyDeleteOn a good night.
Maybe there is a Meredith Baxter Birney movie on Lifetime opposite the CL final we can liveblog.
ReplyDeleteFull credit must be given. Barca have been shut down without a sniff tonight.
ReplyDeleteNOSFERATU
ReplyDeleteXAVI XAVI XAVI
ReplyDeleteGOL GOL GOL GOL!!!
ReplyDeleteYAYYYY. Way to go Spanish Landycakes!!!!
ReplyDeleteYES YES YES
ReplyDeleteAnd Derek Rae blows the goal call.
ReplyDeleteReminiscent of Gerrard v Olympiacos
WOO INIESTA!
ReplyDeleteEBJT FTL
ReplyDeleteNICE!
ReplyDeleteoh no
ReplyDeletebad feeling about this corner
ReplyDeleteWell, I guess that's a sniff then.
ReplyDeleteIniesta, I fucking love you.
ReplyDeleteTenim un nom el sap tothom,
Barça, Barça, Baaaaaaarça!
How can Ballack get his runners up medal this year?
ReplyDeleteGod Eidur is good looking.
ReplyDeleteWhat?
Ballack is going deservedly apeshit.
ReplyDeleteOh my god Ballack is ready to bite the refs head off.
ReplyDeleteAfter the trainload of shit Ballack was allowed to get away with in the first leg, he needs to STFU.
ReplyDeleteThis game is wonderful. The past ten minutes had everything I find compelling about football.
ReplyDeleteI hope that ref has one hell of a security detail.
ReplyDeleteHow many different Cheslea complaints will there be? Ugh.
ReplyDeletePlease hold on Barça!
Yipee!
ReplyDeleteUt oh - Balllick has gone mad!
ReplyDeleteAny after the match red cards, do you think?
ReplyDeleteShit game, brilliant ending
ReplyDeleteHere comes the "Chelsea Huddle."
ReplyDeleteDont even care who Barca will be missing for the final...doesnt matter...
ReplyDeleteAny team with Drogba on it doesnt deserve happiness...
i'd rather ManUre win than Chelsea any day.
ReplyDeleteWell seeing how they were undeservedly a man, don't think Chelsea can have any complaints.
ReplyDeleteThat arm is way up in the air. That's yet another deserved penalty, no matter what Smyth says.
ReplyDeleteSo, we're all pulling for United in the final, yeah?
ReplyDeleteI'd rather Chelsea than ManU.
ReplyDeleteRonaldo is going to destroy Barca.
I'm glad I'm going to be in Mexico getting the swine flu on the 27th.
I'm going to rewind it to the Chelsea kid crying and leave that up the rest of the day.
ReplyDeleteYes I am a small human being.
There were at three questionable non-calls in the last few minutes; they could've gone either way, and they didn't for Chelsea. It's a cruel game, sometimes. Deal with it.
ReplyDeleteI hear Howard Webb is reffing the final. Thoughts?
ReplyDelete"John Terry looks utterly crushed, Ballack looks as if he's about to strangle someone and Hiddink maintains his nonplussed expression. You have to feel for Chelsea, though my sympathy is ebbing away as Drogba tries to get at the referee, then looks directly down the camera screaming "It's a f****g disgrace." What a complete tool."
ReplyDeleteSince when is an armpit a handball?
Three? One was an easy handball. What are the other two?
ReplyDelete