CL Liveblog: Manchester United v. Porto

If we have to explain, it's already too late
Credit to Bigus

United's war on five fronts can come to a merciful end this evening with anything less than total victory at FC Porto's Estádio do Dragão. But as ever, even when it's not about Liverpool, it's about Liverpool. The Reds supporter is in an awkward position this hour-- does he root for a bloody end to his sworn enemy's European campaign... or does he get out his wiles, and Manc crest, and pull for United to ride into Porto and slay the Hulk, thus ensuring more fixture congestion and "nightmarish rotation hell??" We already know Bad Karma Bursitis's feelings on the issue. Those are his quotes a few words back, and he was not-at-all quietly rooting for the Reds to lose, gracefully, but lose on aggregate to Chelsea yesterday.

ED'S ADDENDUM: To clarify, I absolutely did not root for my team to lose yesterday. I merely said if we did lose, I wouldn't take it as painfully as any other loss. Plus, some stuff about being healthy, focused, etc. I will root for United to win today though, simply because I wish for their tired, flagging squad to be buried under an avalanche of more fixtures. Anything to keep their focus away from the EPL.

LAD'S ADDENDUM TO ED'S ADDENDUM: Pithy, elegant, but ultimately, untrue.

Sadly, the level-headed among us know that Liverpool in 2009 is no Russia in Winter 1942. I'd say they're more like Holland in Spring 1940-- talk a big game, puff their chests a bit, but ultimately destined for quiet capitulation.

So there's the intrigue. As for the game at hand: the ball is round, the tie is square (or, more honestly, it's rhombus, tilting in Porto's direction under the weight of their two massive away goals), and we are set to watch Manc blood flow like the Mondego!!

Oh, and for the rest of our Iberian-interest crowd, I'll be sure to check in on Villareal's afternoon playdate with Uncle Arsene and his Super Adventure Club.

The madness begins... after the hop.



FC Porto XI: Helton, Sapunaru, Rolando, Alves, Cissokho, Gonzalez, Fernando, Meireles, Lopez, Hulk, Rodriguez.

Subs: Nuno, Stepanov, Guarin, Mariano Gonzalez, Costa, Madrid, Farias.

Note: Porto's lineup is unchanged from Old Trafford. However, manager Jesualdo Ferreira is banned through an old, since appealed and reduced UEFA suspension. BBC is reporting a rumor that he's not even sticking around the stadium to watch the game. Don't blame him if it's true-- better to go home, have a drink, and check the score online every 15 mins. Less stressful.

Man Utd XI: Van der Sar, O'Shea, Ferdinand, Vidic, Evra, Anderson, Carrick, Giggs, Ronaldo, Berbatov, Rooney.

Subs: Foster, Neville, Evans, Nani, Scholes, Tevez, Macheda.

Note: Big changes for SAF. After fielding a 75% strength side in the first leg, it's Luftwaffe, Panzer divisions, etc.. all barreling toward the front.

(In London, it's a makeshift Gooner backline, with Gibbs, Silvestre, and Eboue being trusted to protect Fabianski from what are sure to be braver-than-usual-advances from the Yellow Submarine, who themselves are without Marcos Senna.)

4 mins to kickoff: Yesssss. The Anthem! Chaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahmpionsssss!!!

2 mins to kickoff: Porto fans doing some scary call and response business with the PA. No English team has ever won here, as we've been told 8,764 times in the past fortnight. But still, it's a precedent, no?

0:00 : AAAAnd we are underway. Our friends at ESPN2 confirm the bit about Ferreira not being in the stadium.

1 min: No HD tonight?

2 min: A clever build up from United ends with a Rooney cross cleared by a Porto noggin. Berbatov recovers the ball, but is ultimately dispossessed.

3 min: Free kick for Porto from 30 yards and an angle.

Hulk is the man who has a go-- skips low and into van der Saar's gut.

4 min: Lopez runs at the United defense... Ferdinand prevails, but Porto look to be their old attacking selves from the first leg.

6 min: Nothing was happening.. then Ronaldo scores from 40(???) yards out!!

Tommy Smyth says 35 yards. So 40 it is.

United 1, Porto 0 (United 3, Porto 2 on agg)

9 min: Anderson and Lucho Gonzalez, Porto captain and form United player, collide on the Porto side of the halfway line. Lucho prevails in the writhing contest.

10 mins: Tommy Smyth Wisdom: United have been hurt by the absence of Rio Ferdinand.

11 min: Porto looking about us stunned as I feel. Most of the play is in the middle third.

12 min: Lasagne Boy Carrick tries his luck from just outside the 18-yard box. Alas, he is not Ronaldo and it's a goal kick.

But United are right back in. Rooney's swinging cross falls on vacant green.

15 min: United are playing games with Porto in the midfield. Congested, as Rooney and Berbatov are both dropping back. Still, United tap dance around.

17 min: Carrick's run is halted by... Ronaldo, who'd drifted in... Porto take possession, but Cissokho throws in a weak cross for van der Saar to collect.

18 min: Carrick is down with a nick. Why? Cos Ronaldo stomped on his foot on the way up the field before.

18 min: Scholes getting warm.. just in case.

20 min: Lopez brought down by Carrick 25 yards out. Free kick for Porto.

Alves takes it...

...and licks one about a yard or so wide of van der Saar. Daaamn. Boy kick ball hard.

22 min: Getting chippy in the midfield. Anderson in none to pleased with a Lucho tackle.

24 min: Porto with some possession, but only on the perimeter. Attacking throw.

25 min: Lopez tries to bicycle boot one past van der Saar.. this is made more difficult by Ferdinand, who shoves him to the ground as he turns. No whistle-- a theme for the night?

26 min: Porto midfield starting assert themselves. Still, no REAL chances. Speculative through balls all cut off by the Vidic-Ferdinand Axis.

28 min: a weak clearance/pass from Giggs gives up possession. Porto counter with an awkward cross to Hulk, who's waiting in the box. The ball skips through his legs, and United take a clearance.

29 min: Lucho is down for the count. And as per usual, with (seemingly) real injuries, there was no contact. Just and awkward kick and slip. He's gripping his knee... we'll see. Either a torn ACL or he's back in 10 seconds. Ten months or ten seconds. That's the rule for footy injuries.

30 min: Berbatov lays one off for Ryan Giggs, who doesn't miss by much. United now pressing for a second.

Rooney playing behind Ronaldo at this point...

31 min: Gonzalez on for Lucho, who is, apparently, actually injured. United's luck.

33 min: and our esteemed announcing tandem do their best apologies for Giggs outrageous PFA nomination. He's a sub, shit.

35 min: Old Onion Man points out that, with all the players gone to ground, it must be slippery. That, and it's definitely Portugal.

35 min: I'm not just lazy/stupid... there's not much going on in the way of chances. Spoiled by yesterday? Perhaps.

38 min: Rooney is limping and Lingering is whining. All is right with the world.

38 min: OOOOoooh see that? Metataaaaarsal, eh??

39 min: Helton comes out to challenge Ronaldo near the touch line... ends up kicking it out for a corner...

Carrick receives the corner, then shoots into a crowd of United players. Happily, Macheda is not there to re-direct.

Seriously, as great the first Macheda winner was, the second could've been the work of a heavy traffic cone.

41 min: The cards are finally out... as Vidic sees YELLOW for scything down Rodriguez. Free kick...

43 min: Hulk flies a weakass balloon into vdS's arms. United counter... Ronaldo is pulled down just outside the box. He earned one there... but it's a corner.

44 min: Giggs corner is flicked on by O'Shea to Vidic who slides and puts a golden opportunity into the stands.

45 min: 2 mins until my halftime burrito.

45 + 1 min: Ronaldo free kick is floated across the box, where Porto take over...

45 + 2 min: A Lopez long-range effort is smothered by van der Saar. Bruno Alves header from 10 mins back stands as Porto's best chance.

45 + 3 min: Giggs cross kicked, oddly, away by Porto keeper Helton.

HALFTIME.

First commercial is...

Heineken. Pure class. Chaaaaaaaahmmpiooooooons!

Now for 20 mins of Soccer.com and... wait, no Proactiv? That's next season I guess.

So advertisers think we are:

Beer-drinking, boot-buying, lawn-week murderers. Got it one-third right, I suppose.

Burrrittos!

(microwaving)

Meanwhile, halftime as well in London, where Le Arse lead 1-0, 2-1 on aggregate. Walcott is the goal scorer, so commence the buggery circles.

By the way-- anyone else get the email about the Macheda jerseys from WorldSoccerShop?

"Represent United's Newest Star Federico Macheda" ...is their pitch. Mehh.

Not the best microwaved Chicken Chimichanga I've had, Jose Ole, not the best.

Chhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahmpions! (Never. gets. old.)

I will never get AT&T. That commercial was officious. Seduce a woman with two-word text messages? I'd need at least 3.

Back underway!!!

46 min: a downpour now in Portugal. Only going to get murkier on that pitch.

46 min: Berbatov played through by Rooney, but strikes one right into Helton's chest. Porto clear the lines.

47 min: Football in RAIN??? Certainly not, Tommy. Not suitable at all.

48 min: Miereles slices a wide-open chance from the top of the United box. Tails away and away and ends up with the fans.

50 min: Gonzalez-Meireles-Gonzalez-Hulk-Section 334 behind the United goal.

52 min: Meireles attempts to give Ryan Giggs the Heimlich near the center line. Giggs picks the ball up before he could have possible heard a whistle.. which comes, eventually. Of course.

53 min: Cissokho hip checks Ronaldo... free kick from 30...

Giggs with a taut, but ultimately lacking in pace ball into the box... Helton collects.

55 min: Meireles heads wide on a clever Gonzalez cross. He was marked, but still got a piece. End result: NIL.

57 min: Patrice Evra's face, meet Mariano Gonzalez. There Will Be (is) Blood.

Free kick for Porto. Dangerous spot, to van der Saar's left.

Hulk?

Bruno flying in?

Hulk rips one right into the Dutch keeper's chest. Cleared.

60 min: Rodriguez wheels around, but outside, the United defense. Shoots wide.

Evra ends up with a Yellow for the challenge that led to earlier free kick.. and the bleeding of his own blood.

UPDATE: Super Adventure Club 2, Villareal 0. That's that.

61 min: United looking for that second goal now. Berbatov follows a blind cross by whacking Sapunaru to the ground. Ref sees. Does No-thing.

64 min: Farias for Rodriguez, for Porto. Second substitute for the Portuguese. Rodriguez ran 7.15 km. So you know.

66 min: Ronaldo feeds Rooney into the right side of the box, his cross pushed out for a corner.

Giggs's kick is headed off into the stratosphere.

AAAnd back in. For another corner.

Giggs again...

Steered away. Anderson intercepts, but his pass back to Giggs is snuffed out. We're back into the midfield.

68 min: SO... QUESTION? Do United not have any TALISMANIC players? They are on pace to win FIVE trophies. Yet, still, no talisman. Strange, that.

69 min: Berbatov off for Nani

69 min: Rooney nearly bulls through the Porto box... ultimately cleared. But wow, great effort for England's best young temperamental Everton fan.

71 min: Vidic gets a foot on a long, low cross. United do not look impossible to crack. But not likely either.

Carrick has run more than 8 km. He must be tired. Or not?

73 min: United are letting Porto hangaround. Hangeeng around, hangeeng around.

74 min: Hulk dribbles down to the byline, then plants one into the side netting. Goal kick. Hanging around, but not doing much else.

75 min: Porto win a corner!!!!!!!

It's their first.. and it's headed a mile wide by the misfiring Bruno Alves.

76 min: Giggs and Rooney JUST miss running tap and go on the edge of the Porto box. That goes through to Giggs and it's Goodnight, Porto.

78 min: corner, another!, to Porto.

Anderson off for Paul Scholes. Both sides have now used 2 subs.

79 min: Kick floats past van der Saar, right onto Rolando's head... but... ahhhhhh, he put's it wide from just right of the post.

80 min: Sapunaru off for Tomas Costa. Last change for Porto.

81 min: Hulk long-range blast tipped for a corner.

Farias hooks on to it, but cycles over to put yet another Porto chance into the stands.

@umlaut yea, they're just playing for the long cross and header. Not the intense, driving to the net from the first leg...

83 min: Rooney tries his best impression of his teammate from 77 minutes earlier. Ball ends up in the ether.

85 min: United back the whole squad into the box and still Porto fly test balloons over the defense.

Nachhh!!! Porto's best chance of the night is a laser from yards out, right into van der Saar's chest.

Man United hanging on now...

87 min: United making in-roads now on the left. Giggs wins a corner. Tick tick tick

88 min: Giggs is your man of the match, if not for Ronaldo's singular moment. He's everywhere. PFA, hell yea!

89 min: Costa cross is muffed by Farias. Porto just cannot got a header on goal.

Twitchy bum time, regardless. Thanks, Mr. Rae, for introducing "twitchy" to the discourse.

90 min: Mr. Hulk slices another wide from just outside the corner of the 18-yard box.

Three minutes added.

90 + 1 min: Ronaldo with a clever low ball that Helton just nips wide. Another corner. United are looking like they're though. THEY ARE DEFINITELY GOING TO WIN.

90 + 2 min: Porto cannot get out of their own end.

90 + 3 min: Porto have one last rush...

...but nothing comes of it. Again. A failed header.

It's over in Porto.

Instand Postgame Analysis: Porto never had a chance. That United goal could've come in the 6th... or the 86th minute. United were always going to win. And "rotation hell" or not, they're probably going to win every trophy this year. When it matters, they buckle down.

Finally this evening, a big congrats to Lingering Bursitis. His midweek dream has been fulfilled.

Signing off. It's been a pleasure.

UNITED 1(3), PORTO 0(2)... MANCHESTER UNITED GO THROUGH ON AGG, WILL PLAY ARSENAL IN SEMI-FINAL, BEGINNING APRIL 29